Hello all. I'm new here. I have been finding out over the past 2 weeks that DH has been having an EA with a co-worker. I say finding out because he's been filling me in very slowly with just deep it became and he's only known her for 5 weeks! We are both committed to working through this, but how do I help him over his guilt? We have two daughters (ages 5 and 7) and he can hardly bring himself to play with them because he feels so guilty. Sex hasn't gone well because he feels so dirty and not worthy to touch me (I don't think his affair ever became physical but I won't say that for certain). I'm afraid if he doesn't get over his guilt, there won't be any hope of working through this.

choliver902

I can't speak for your husband, but as for me I will never get over my guilt (PA). But it helps me so much when my wife let's me know she still loves me inspite of my failure. I draw strength from it and it reminds me someday this will be a blur in the past.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SleeplessInSF:
<strong> I can't speak for your husband, but as for me I will never get over my guilt (PA). But it helps me so much when my wife let's me know she still loves me inspite of my failure. I draw strength from it and it reminds me someday this will be a blur in the past. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This AM driving to work I was listening to a Christian radio program..... and this struck me...

"God's Grace cannot reach you until you have adequately dealt with your guilt."

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by choliver902:
<strong> Hello all. I'm new here. I have been finding out over the past 2 weeks that DH has been having an EA with a co-worker. I say finding out because he's been filling me in very slowly with just deep it became and he's only known her for 5 weeks! We are both committed to working through this, but how do I help him over his guilt? We have two daughters (ages 5 and 7) and he can hardly bring himself to play with them because he feels so guilty. Sex hasn't gone well because he feels so dirty and not worthy to touch me (I don't think his affair ever became physical but I won't say that for certain). I'm afraid if he doesn't get over his guilt, there won't be any hope of working through this.

choliver902 </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, as a FWW I can relate to what your spouse is dealing with.

A WS's guilt arises from:

1) the fact that he KNOWINGLY AND INTENTIONALLY hurt and betrayed his loved one.

2) the fact that he betrayed his marriage vows

3) the fact that adultery is a sin (if religious)

4) The fact that he lied repetitively (at least by ommission if nothing else)

5) The fact that his spouse has lost all trust in him - and may never regain it...and finally

6) The gut-wrenching realization that he may have jeapordized everything that is truly important....his spouse, his children, his home..his LIFE.

I went through all of these emotions myself- sex became distasteful to me, I developed a dehabilitating anxiety disorder and I utterly hated myself for quite a long time.

It hardly seems fair that you have to be the one to now help with his GUILT- when you are the injured party. But being with him- and telling him that you love him and want to work things through with him will go a long way.

Have you read Dr. Harley's books? Working through his concepts and program together will help. Time will also help. And finally, would he possibly consider posting here? Seeing that there are other WS out there- who have successfully kept their marriages together- may help.

Thinking of you through in this difficult time.