I posted a question on the Just Found Out site, but think I might get more response here.
I read once that a woman has to despise her husband to give herself permission to have an affair. I found that to be true in my case. I now realize I have more to lose than I thought I did during a 6 year affair. My heart is closed off to my H, I don't even want him trying to meet my needs, let alone me meet his. Where does one begin? The reasons I want my marriage to work are my DS13 and my DS11. I want to show them marriage is a good thing, I've just really messed up and still can't get my heart right towards H..any thoughts?

Perhaps the place to start is to recognize your owe your H. You owe him for the betrayal, the humiliation, the emasculation and the erosion of his self esteem. You owe him for the lost years, which he will never get back. We can't wind back time, you know.

Start by making amends to your H. Restitution for the damage inflicted upon him.

Have you ever gone to some party that you really didn't want to go to? After you were there you started having fun and by the time it was over you were glad you chose to go?

Welcome to MB. Sometimes begining to meet his needs is a chore that you find more like work than enjoyment. But, as you deposit into his life and he does the same it becomes something more tolerable..even enjoyable. Soon you begin looking forward to meeting his needs.

It's not easy after you have spent 6 years sabotaging your M. Yes...you purposely set out to undermine the relationship. How do I know? Because I did it too. You started fights so that the mood would not include intimacy. You made him mad so that you wouldn't have to go out with him. Time and time again. Finally, the love was empty and neither cared anymore.

Think about the OM. What did you do to show him that you loved him? You need to start making yourself do that to you H. Start meeting his needs. It's hard at first but it does get easier.

Let me ask this... are you still in contact with the OM? Where is he in this picture?

Keep posting... You're at the right place.

2scared

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Waking Up:
I posted a question on the Just Found Out site, but think I might get more response here.
I read once that a woman has to despise her husband to give herself permission to have an affair. I found that to be true in my case.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe the resentment you feel for your H is the resentment you feel for yourself knowing that you have robbed and cheated him out of 6 years of his life while you enjoyed yourself at his expense.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I now realize I have more to lose than I thought I did during a 6 year affair. My heart is closed off to my H, I don't even want him trying to meet my needs, let alone me meet his. Where does one begin? The reasons I want my marriage to work are my DS13 and my DS11. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you sure that what really frightens you is that if your daughters find out what you did, you will end up losing the love and respect they have for you and will hate you for betraying their father?

You forget that it is not only you who gets to decide whether your marriage goes on or not, your H has an equal say in that as well, and if you have not told him about your affair, you are manipulating him for your own selfish reasons.

Your H may not be angel but he doesn't deserve to have his life stolen by a woman who pretends to be his W.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want to show them marriage is a good thing, I've just really messed up and still can't get my heart right towards H..any thoughts?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How? By continuing with your affair? You yourself stated that you have problems ending your affair due to guilt and pride.

I apologize for my harsh words to you but if you truly want to save and rebuild your marriage, you are going to have to give up your pride and face the horror that you have brought to your family with your affair. If not then you will eventually find yourself all alone with your pride.

<small>[ September 24, 2004, 01:46 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Hi,

don't be discouraged and please keep posting - there are people here who have been through similar things and can help you a lot!!

I guess the first thing you need to do is to give yourself a lot of distance to the OP. There is no way you can feel things for your S, or to see your priorities in life clearly, while the OP is still dominating your thoughts.

Also you need to think about telling your S if you haven't already done that. The reasons for telling also have a lot to do with you - ie do you want to be able to feel respect for yourself at the end of the day, or can you live with having lied to someone who (at least at some stage was) really important to you and the father of your kids??

Its not easy but you've made a step by coming to this website. Also try counselling, if you haven't already done that.

Uphill-
Your words are convicting and true. As bad as I "thought" things were, he did not deserve what I did.

2scared-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Welcome to MB. Sometimes begining to meet his needs is a chore that you find more like work than enjoyment. But, as you deposit into his life and he does the same it becomes something more tolerable..even enjoyable. Soon you begin looking forward to meeting his needs.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A chore is a good word, that is how I feel. If you don't mind me asking, how long did it take for it to stop feeling like a chore?
Also, how did you finally end your A?

Contact with OM is limited to a few phone calls, he has moved out of the area. I live in a very small town where everyone knows everyone, so contact is out of the question. I am not allowed out of town by myself for obvious reasons. As I posted on Just Found Out, my job will be ending soon and there will be no contact.
I do not like what I have become. The lying, cheating and deceit has taken a toll. Perhaps in time my H can respect me and I can respect myself.

Coffeeman-
Yes, I do resent what I have done. My sons do know what I did and I am regaining their love and respect. But I realize it will be a long time before they totally trust me. My H does want the marriage to work, which I have a hard time understanding why.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I apologize for my harsh words to you but if you truly want to save and rebuild your marriage, you are going to have to give up your pride and face the horror that you have brought to your family with your affair. If not then you will eventually find yourself all alone with your pride.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I appreciate your words. I recognize my choices brought the horror on my family regardless of the reasons why. I will spend a lifetime making up for it.

Smur-

As I stated above, family does know of OM. D Day was 2/14/04, H went ballistic, made threats I'm sure he would have followed thru with had he been able to find OM. I told him it was over with OM, that was not true. I just wanted OM out of harms way. Stupid I know. OM is gone. Has been for months. Only contact is phone as stated above. That will be ending also. In spite of things said and done on D day, it was the beginning of bringing me out of my fantasy land. Now I see the impossibilites of the life I created in my head.
PS, it's very humiliating to expose what I have done and read it in print. I know I am in the right place for advice and I appreciate all of it, harsh or kind. Thank you all and please keep writing.

Waking up

I am a BS that applaudes you coming here...welcome.

i only wish my wife was where you are at now....she continues contact as we speak....actually as im typing....

My ww and i had a discussion the other night and she asked about the trust thing. how can we restore the trust thing. My answer to her was by taking baby steps. I think baby steps are what is needed. you need to let your walls down and let your H in. It wont hurt...I think the pain and anger your feeling now are normal. As long as you have stopped contact with OM then i truly believe that you will, in time, let H in.

If you are still on contact then it wont happen. This is my current situation. My ww sees no futire for our M because of all the pain. She is still in contact. I told her, as well as others, that until you stop talking to OM you wont see what changes are taking place in your M. You wont want to see those changes.

let him in....even just a little and i promise it wont be as bad as you think

Is there a reason you can't stop all contact NOW? How can you reconnect with your H when you're still "connected" to OM?

Just A Husband-
Your reply touches my heart and encourages me to take baby steps. I feel overwhelmed as though everything has to happen at once. The baby steps advise is right on for me. Thank you!
My heart goes out to you and your W.

c-dub:
I guess because I don't feel strong enough today. My contact is very limited and the times that I am not talking to him, I am getting stronger by reading the recommended books, this forum, spending more time with my family, praying and counseling.

Waking Up,

First let me state something so obvious but still I feel it needs to be said, you are NOT a monster. You made a very poor choice in having that 6 year affair, but you are making restitution by having confessed to your H, and regaining the love, respect and trust of your sons. But you know what? your continued phone contact with the OM is sabotaging all your hard earned efforts to save and rebuild your marriage and your relationship with your sons. If both your H and sons discover that you have been in phone contact with the OM, you may not get another chance and that would be very tragic for your H, sons, and especially for you. Tell me, is the OM worth losing everything you hold dear?

TOOMuchcoffeeman,

NO!! But why am I having such a hard time ending the phone calls?? You don't have to answer, it's the addiction thing..I will end contact, I have to...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Waking Up:
TOOMuchcoffeeman,

NO!! But why am I having such a hard time ending the phone calls?? You don't have to answer, it's the addiction thing..I will end contact, I have to...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course its addicting because the OM probably satisfied your most important EN [emotional needs]. It is hard to let go and also terrifying to contemplate a return to the years when you may have been emotionally neglected by your H. But this is an opportunity for you and your H to start a NEW marriage that will replace the ruins of the old marriage. BOTH of you deserve to have a happy and healthy marriage.

But more importantly do the NC because the ultimate beneficiary will be you.

Waking-up.....

Can you please share whatever your currently taking with my wife....i wish i could bottle it and sell it or better yet give it away....

You mind is open to letting your heart in....let it happen.

Even among all the anger that ww has inside of her....the other night she gave me a kiss while i slept...i thought i was dreaming....i wasnt sure...it was just a kiss on my cheek.

That one kiss meant more to me than any other thing has in the last 6 months....I told her that the kiss was a baby step....actually for me it was a huge step....a sign of hope....

show your H some hope...anything...any little thing....a simple touch....brush his arm "accidentaly" ....its the little things that always mean more....

I only speak for myself...this is what would show me hope....i guess its also wishful thinking on my part.....

Even a smile can cause wonders.

Just a Husband
I see you have a sense of humor, that is good, keeps one from going crazy..
Some things that help me try to do the right things are: 1) My secret is out 2) My kids are watching closely 3) I don't want to be a failure 4) God has stood by me thru all my mistakes, how can I continue to disappoint him? 5) If I can't give my H what he needs because I love him, I can try to do it because I love God and the other will come later.

WU

I wish i could say that i know your pain..but i dont...i know your H's pain....My heart is very heavy today and i wish you all the luck...You have already taken the biggest step forward....keep going.

Just A Husband
I don't know if you believe in prayer, but it took lots of prayer for me to get where I am today, not just my own prayers, but prayers from others. I have sent a prayer to heaven for you and your wife and I know God heard and answered immediately. Keep loving your wife inspite of herself, that is the God kind of love.

WU

thank you

i am touched and tearing....i dont think anyone has ever prayed for me before....or at least they never told me.

Thanks

You are very welcome. I will continue to pray for you and your wife.
Just to let you know, God hears your prayers too! If you don't know what to say, Help! is a good word to start with.