My wife is caught in an EA with a co-worker who is a deputy for the sheriff's office.

I have spoken with this man. He showed his arrogance. He implied that he was hurt by his wife (divorcing after 8 years), when he spoke of himself in the 3rd person. He stated that he could turn off his feelings and emotions at the flip of the switch (how can one do this if they are a true friend?). He implied that my wife was a slut when he asked me if I actually thought that he was the only one that my wife was pursuing.

As soon as we finished, I wrote everything down. I told him to back off, and he said that he would never get involved with a married woman or co-worker. I presented our conversation to my wife on Sunday.

Yesterday, my wife came home from work and we spoke about our living arrangements. She was staying with a female co-worker for a few days to babysit. Well, she decided to take the dog... a direct ploy to hurt me (we treat him like a child).

Well, I told her that I felt crushed by all that was occurring, and I didn't know how to keep being strong for our marriage. I asked her to leave the house, and I packed a bag for her. I did LB a little... as I was upset. I didn't yell at her, but I was frustrated and I told her that if she was going to pursue another man and defend him to me, then she would not do it from our home and with my support.

She went to the lady's house. Well, we are to talk on Sunday about bills, our dog, and the living arrangements.

I do not believe that we can come together until we are apart. At this time, her money situation is not as good as mine, and she can't afford to be elsewhere and also split the bills with me.

Well, she has stated that she is uncomfortable in the house, as she feels like I am smothering her. I have stated that I do not feel comfortable in the house because I do not know how I will be hurt from one moment to the next, and that it scares me a bit.

Well, I need to hear what you good people think about this. We cannot live in the same house right now. She will not even consider it. Do I leave our home, pay the bills, and enable this affair to continue to develop by supporting her financially?

Do I leave, and just not worry about anything (we have separated in the past when dating, and it was a no contact separation for many months)?

Do I have her leave, with the hopes that at some point she begins to wonder about what she is losing?

She has gone from wanting space, to divorce, back to space again. I don't know what this means... and the rollercoaster is making me sick.

I have done a decent plan A; however, she has taken advantage of it. She has used what ENs she let me meet, which weren't much, and continued to obtain emotional support elsewhere.

At this point, how do I proceed? We cannot live under the same roof for a time. How do I plan A? I cannot plan B yet, as we have to have contact due to our dog and some bills.

So, what do I do? I have exposed this to her family and my family (EA), and they agree that she is not thinking logically or rationally. She will not listen to them either.

We are going to talk on Sunday... I don't want to discuss our relationship per se, but I am also not sure what to do about our living arrangements and how to give her options.

Sorry this is soooo long, but I would really appreciate your input. Thank you, and God Bless.

How long have you been in Plan A?

Not long at all. Only for about a month.

I don't want to move out of Plan A right now, but I don't know how to work it without living with my wife.

There is no way that we can remain in this house together.

Because of our past experiences with space and time apart, I fear that I won't be able to do any affective plan A'ing, because she typically will practice no contact during this time.

So, what do I do?

Anyone else?

sorry, double post
CR

<small>[ September 24, 2004, 06:46 AM: Message edited by: Coasterride ]</small>

I am not an expert but if I were you I would use the meeting on Sunday to put your best foot forward. Obviously don't LB. Just try to be her best friend. Tell her what you've said in your post. That you are concerned for her being able to survive financially. That you want to be able to be there for her but you don't want to enable the A. This is just setting your boundaries of having NC. Just try to be upbeat as possible and if a split up is necessary make it out that it is definitely only temporary. Read as much as you can on plan A and do it. Just be positive and be her friend.
CR

I appreciate the response. Would like to get some additional feedback.

Specifically, when I am sitting there with her on Sunday do I keep the stance that if she is going to pursue this, that it should be done from outside of our home? Or, am I the one that has to leave?

I will still be paying all of the bills whereby enabling her to live the good life and in turn supporting her continued pursuance of this OM.

What do I do?

How do I plan A from afar? Can I, if she won't talk to me at all, or have contact?

Again I am no expert but if she expresses interest in staying in your home you should welcome her with loving arms on the condition that she has NC. You should not be the one to move out. Again have a positive outlook. Let her know that you believe your problems can be worked out and your marriage can be made better. Of course it will be work but it could also be fun falling in love again. Of course, let her know this can only happen when she has NC with OM.
Good Luck!!
CR

What else needs to happen in Plan A? have you exposed the A to all involved? OM's W or GF? Her family?

It may not be time for Plan B, but that time is coming, you are already sensing that.

I would invite her back On Sunday, but tell her that you can't live with this A much longer and if she wants to continue it then she needs to find another place to live...ask her when she thinks she can move out by...

SHE should leave. A person in the A needs to be the one leaving the family home, to get a dose of what they are giving up. Why should YOU leave? What have YOU done wrong?

Get a Plan B letter prepared. Set a time schedule in your mind, how long are you prepared to Plan A for?

Don't argue too much about the dog, if she wants to take it...fine...the dog will PROBABLY come back...hard to find a place that will take a dog too.

In Plan B, it is a time for you to preserve the love you have and for the A to get a dose of reality. It's a chance for the WS to see what having ALL their EN's met by another person would be like, and they are lacking... Your Plan A will stick in her mind until she looks at her OM and is disgusted she chose him over YOU.

Many folks are squeamish about moving to Plan B. I found in my case that it helped my WH get a dose of reality he could not have thought or learned any other way...what life would be like without his family...

Hi ejb,

A few points to consider:

*you do not leave the house,the WS does.

*do not finance your WW's affair.If you have to separate accounts then do so.If she makes her own money at a job,then she can live off that and how well she does is not your concern.If your WW wants to continue on in an A then let her feel the consequences of it.Financial hardship is almost always a given.

*you cannot do an effective Plan A while the WS is living elsewhere so make sure this is what you want to happen.If you can put up with her in the house while plan A'ing a bit longer that may help but if you are losing your love for your WW while she uses you then consider plan B after the move.

Plan A is recommended for about 3 months but not much longer because then the effects aren't worthwhile and you are being used and looked at as a "doormat".But,it's not written in stone and many of us have had to make adjustments.Myself included.I did Plan A for a month but my circumstances were such that continuing on was impossible.In the grand scheme of things,I don't think it would have made one shred of difference if I had done it longer,but that's me.I was rapidly losing the love I had for my WH and he was moving away in another state for a job anyway.

Does this help a little?

O

<small>[ September 24, 2004, 08:03 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

I appreciate the responses.

We have separated accounts. I can keep our finances above water without her $$.

I spoke to my FIL, who I am very close with. He is sick that his Daughter, my wife is doing this. He has told me that he has been in the same boat, but from the WH side of things. He and my MIL split for 7 months several years ago... he was the one to leave. He indicated that if it was him, he would want to know that she was in the house and safe, and not scrambling to find a place to stay.

I respect him, but I told him that I didn't think that I could pay the bills, support her, and at the same time enable this affair to continue.

I don't think that Plan A is an option any longer. On Sunday, I will tell my wife that she doesn't have to leave our home, and that I want her there with me. But, this is not an option. Though I think that I could continue to be a doormat for a bit longer, she will not come back in that house.

She is extremely stubborn, and would sleep in her car before thinking about coming back into that house, because it would be something that I would want.

Basically, what prompted me asking her to leave in the first place, was when she defended the OM to me. She stated that she couldn't trust that I wasn't making up the details of my conversation with the OM. I couldn't believe my ears. I wanted to hate her in that moment. I wanted this to be over, so that I could move on with my life and find the woman of my dreams.

The problem, is that in my heart I believe that she is the woman of my dreams... but I am starting to resent her and I can feel my heart turning cold with the onset of bitterness.

So, please more advice if you will. Talking makes me feel better... but I am very unsure about the moves that I am making here. I am still stuck in the rut of feeling sorry for myself, and expecting some type of a positive reaction from her. When I don't get one, it hurst... and I haven't become strong enough to let that bounce off of me.

Thanks!

bump for more replies

Hi again,

One more from me for the night. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I understand how you feel when your WW defends OM.All WS's do it and it stinks but that's where their allegiances are as misguided as that is.

I think MB has the best option for trying to save marriages but the alternative to not following the rules is definitely not favorable.At least we have a plan here that Dr.Harley has confimed works for couples who are both involved in recovery after Infidelity.However,the rates for survival after it are low,about 2/3rds of marriages do not survive Infidelity.It's when both spouses make the effort to rebuild their marriage that you have the best chances.

Ultimately though you are dealing,many times,with several complex issues in adultery,not just unmet needs.So if you have a spouse who is determined to go their own way then there is not much you can do but try to have self recovery versus marital recovery.Even though you may not recover your marriage,you will definitely be more aware and educated about marriage and problems the next time around,if there is one.

I would like to give you a lot more hope and there always is until the very last but that's what we are dealing with,in reality.Your WW is very self centered right now so expecting any remorse or any tid bits of help and care toward you may just not happen.Like Dr.Harley mentioned in his book,the WS throws stones at you instead of helping you out of the hole,or whatever that analogy was.

I think you will be ok.Don't finance the affair and start drafting a Plan B letter and read up on it.We'll see you tomorrow.

O

tomorrow is coming quick. any further suggestions?

Appreciate the advice.