Last night was day 2 alone in my house. The cat did not even sleep with me. Also, leaving the seat up is not all its cracked up to be. I am amazed at how little motivation I have. My yard looks like crap, the bushes need trimming and I need to paint. Yet all I could do last night was one single load of laundry, some banking, help my BIL fix some damage to the walls and ceiling and play my video game (fable for Xbox, if anyone cares). Oh, and I did feed the cat and make myself some dinner. Slept OK, fell asleep around 11:30 and was up by 4:30.

Got a busy night tonight, party at my mom's, then volley ball with my friends.

The question I now have is why can't I stop loving my wife? Her actions are so crystal clear even if her words make no sense. I thought I could do this without out much trouble, but it is so hard.

What scares me is that I know part of the anxiety I feel is based on the fact that I have a deep fear of being left alone. It is one of the things that truly uproots me as a person. I feel like I am lost with nothing holding me to the Earth.

All I want to do is call her and talk. About the kids, about the weather, about our family, about work and about us. All I want to do is hold her and tell her how much I love her.

I wish I was a vulcan.

Just wanted to send you a hug and prayers. Next week my husband plans to leave. I also have this deep fear of being alone. I often wonder how a WS can be married to someone so many years and end contact with us but cannot end it with the OP. Someone they have no real history with.

I know it's so hard but I hear it gets better. It's good that you are still going out and doing things. I have a habit of withdrawling from people when I go through a hard time like this.

My husband has done and said so much. I wonder why I still love him. I wonder why I can't turn my emotions off like he is doing with me. I guess my answer is I am still in love with the memories of the man he was and the man I know he can be. Hopefully one day our spouses realize what they gave up and come back.

Take care of yourself.

Tina

I am just curious, is three months a short time to have a WS move out? I know some people it happens within days of DDay, but it seems that if it does not happen on DDay, it takes a while, like 6-9 months.

This is just my morbid curiousity talking.

SadMaryLady, you said you wonder how the WS could leave the BS without seemingly, a look back. I wonder this too, but also wonder if it's true. But don't forget, when there's an OP around, they have someone to comfort on and something else to focus on.

canthelp this. It took a year before my husband asked me to leave (and yes, I HAD to be the one who left). And bleck...i had to wait another 4 months before I could actually leave and unfortunately, if there were 2nd thoughts on his part, it was impossible for us to change the course.

canthishelp -

Time to get busy friend. I was just like you - hated being alone. I spent months wallowing in my pain, which did me no good at all.

The best thing for you is to stop obsessing about your wife, and the fact that even the cat won't sleep with you.

Start some projects. Doing them will raise your self esteem. I cleaned the house sparkling, rearranged the furniture, decluttered, organized, painted inside and out, exercised, did the yard, detailed the car, went out with friends, started a business, and on and on.

Finally I started feeling good about my life again, and my self esteem came out of the toilet. Now my cat even sleeps with me!

If you are unable to get motivated, time for some anti-D's.

Canthishelp,

I know this sounds cheesy but it is the truth -

You will NOT be alone - there is love all around you. It just takes a while to get over the initial shock and the idea of it. After awhile, like believer said, you learn to enjoy it. You have no choice but to become all that you can be.

One way or another this is a new beginning for you (and possibly for your marriage), you will get to a point where you will embrace the opportunities and have hope, and faith in life and in yourself.

Hang on there guy, you too will get there like the rest of us.

Weaver

canthishelp, I have been thinking about you. You will be OK. I felt the same when my FWH left me. My bed was so cold (he left New Year's Eve), and empty, and I don't WANT my old dog sleeping with me . . . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I was miserable. I couldn't sleep at all. Just laid there, sobbing, thinking of everything, wondering how it had gotten to that point. I hadn't even found MB yet, not until over a month later.

The first thing I did for MYSELF was I bought myself an electric throw blanket from Wal-Mart. It was amazing. I turned that sucker on at night, got all warm and snuggly, and *poof* dreamworld! You must find out what might help induce YOUR sleep. Some people, my H included, like to use a body pillow when I am not home. He stacks the pillows up where I would normally sleep, and snuggles up to them like he would me. He never had trouble sleeping when I wasn't home until he came back from the separation. Now he misses me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I know it seems bleak, but it gets better. You are going through the hardest parts right now. Like when you go running, you hit that one part of the run where you might think you can't go on, might have to quit - but if you push past that, you get to a place where the run is easy - the runner's high. You will get to that place, after you push through where you are right now. Just focus on getting through each day the best you can, and time will heal you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The question I now have is why can't I stop loving my wife? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The question is, why do you think you should/could stop loving your wife? Her A is not about you at all. It has nothing to do with your feelings, your thoughts, your actions, NOTHING! It is all about her. This is how she is dealing with her life right now. If you look at her as a drug addict, you might not take her bahavior/actions so personally. Drug addicts lie, steal, manipulate . . . they hurt those around them. But they are still loved. Why should your WW not get that love from you? Your love for anybody on this planet should not be dependant on receiving back from them.

That is how I was able to see my relationship with my H. Just because he didn't think he ever loved me, blah blah blah, I can't control him. I can control me. I meant that I loved him all those years, I meant that I still loved him, I meant that I wanted to be M for my whole life to him. So, I let my actions reflect my beliefs. I told him this is how I feel, you can feel however you want. Your feelings do not affect mine.

Just some food for thought. It took me a while, and lots of reading and church-going to accept that concept. But when I did, WOW. Powerful. Both for myself, and my H.

Have you tried jounaling? I was like you, I wanted to talk everything out with my H, I missed him so bad. BUT, his head was not with me at that time, my words meant nothing to him. So, I wrote him letters, dated and everything, and I never gave them to him. It was a HUGE relief getting it all out on paper. Then, I put them in date order, in a notebook. It is hard for me to read them to this day, they are so full of pain. AND, I am thinking about finally letting them go. At the time, they saved me. I would get so full of words, and felt like I would bust. Then I'd write. I had tried talking to H, but got no satisfaction at all - mostly just more upset.

And you will be able to tackle those home chores again. It just takes time. Let yourself wallow, don't throw in a bunch of guilt for not being busy, and before you know it, you will start doing them again. Life goes on, and so will you. It just takes time.

Keep posting, try journaling, spend lots of time with your friends, get a warm blanket or some pillows, read some good books - maybe not even relationship books! *gasp*

SS

I just don't understand this whole situation. I guess no one really does.

I told my WW again today that as long as the OM is in her life, our marriage is over. She does not think she can choose, but I know I can, no matter how much it hurts. I would absolutly love it if she called me right now (stare at phone - breath in - breath out - Nothing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )and said that she wants to be sure about leaving me and will stop the A. Even if we only worked on it and it did not turn out the way I want it to. I cannot live with her as my wife while she sees the OM.

The MC called her yesterday and talked to be about her behaviour. He scheduled a private appt with her two days before our next seperation meeting. I hope she starts down the path to heal. She has been lost so long, and I did not even realize it. She was right under my nose screaming at me for help, and I ignored her. Told her to keep her chin up and tough it out. I feel like a bad person.

I am going to try the journelling. It may help me. I still have the hate notes the OM wrote to my WW a few weeks ago. How can she be so blind?

One day at a time.