I was reading one of your comments in SadMarylandLady's thread and I wanted to comment to you without jacking her thread.

Here's my 2 cents friend.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FamilyMatters:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by VnusMars:
<strong> I'm making the changes I need to make for her to take me back (better with money, not being out with my band on the weekends, etc.) I have cut off all OW completely, and I'm starting to grow up and fix the insecurities that led me to my OW.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">VM,
OW? YES, cut off ALL OW from your life, even those whom you were never involved in, but they had even the foggiest interest in you. You should send all OW a NO CONTACT LETTER (NCL). Actions definetly speak louder than words. I have sent NCL's, blocked email addresses and phone numbers. It's possible your W won't instantly go WOW YOU'RE REALLY TRYING, and run to you and jump in your arms, but SHE will mill over it in her head even if her mouth doesn't confess it. Are you in Plan A? If you aren't, I think you should consider it PRONTO. It sounds to me like your W knows OM will not make her happy, but she has resentment towards you for past actions. Start today anew, start your Plan A and try to avoid any talks about your R. Is your W still in contact with OM? If she is, you might need to do some exposing, but if you have things in your life ie..OW you need to lead by example and don't throw it in her face like look I got rid of OW#1, and OW#2, you should have ended your R with these women a long time ago, right? I hope I'm understanding your post correctly, but from what I gather you both have OP in your life that need to GO. It's time to recommit to your M, lead by example and start Plan Aing. I'm not sure about exposing your W's A, you might post a thread to get more comments about exposing, seeing if that's a good move. The reason your W loves you one day and calls you a pig the next is probably because she's in contact with OM and one day she wants him, one day she wants you. D-day was only 2 weeks ago? Good, you are in a good position to save your W and yourself a whole lot of drama for nothing. Your W is already seeing that OM cannot totally replace you, so I think if you make LASTING changes she will have no reason to leave. You might need the same thing I needed; A Total Attitude Adjustment. It's time you see your M and your W in a new light, this is how you make LASTING CHANGES. See, if you start changing things now just to keep her, that won't work. You need to change somethings long-term, that you can stick with and give your W the security that this is the NEW YOU and you aren't EVER going back to the OLD YOU. It's a process, it takes time but the rewards are there. How does my plan sound so far?

1. Cut off all OW Pronto, Write NCL's and leave your W a copy. No long drawn out letters either. The letters should be short and simple. You love your W, and you want your M to work. Tell them to not to contact you ever again, you are a M man.

2. Read everything you can about Plan A. You might want to order "Surviving an Affair," and "His Needs , Her Needs". Plan A is all about ending your spouses A and giving them reason to come back to the M. If you can't end her A you are in for a long rollercoaster ride, so please read everytbing you can on that Plan A.

3. Get into Plan A. Try to identify what your W's Emotional Needs are and start filling them. If she won't take the Emotional Needs Questionnaire, maybe you can guess, but it helps if she can take it. My W's 5 top needs were, Conversation, Family, Recreation, Financial and Sexual Fulfillment. Right now OM is filling some of those needs, and your filling some of those needs or she would be gone already...get it? You need to fill as many as you can, this aids in lessening her need for OM in her life.


4. Probably MOST important..STOP THE LOVE BUSTERS. If you are fulfilling her EN's but you keep LBing, it's like shooting yourself in the foot every time you take a step. Come here to vent, do not vent to your W, no outbursts. You are going to get frustrated sometimes, maybe alot of times but it's important to control your LB's. It's time to look at your actions and see where you can make improvements that you can maintain for the life of your M.


Whew, that's enough to start with and should keep your pretty busy. I haven't posted to you before, but I've been the WS before and I've been the BS before, my W and I are in early recovery. I'll be checking in on you and giving my 2 cents, but there are many here who know far more than me. I'm just sharing with you the steps I took, your situation may require some tailoring, ONE SIZE DOES NOT FIT ALL. Hang in there VM, you're situation is actually optimistic, your W already admits that OM CAN'T do the things YOU do, she said he's IMMATURE right? It's time to satisfy whatever need this guy is fulfilling and also work to get him OUT of your M, lead by example.

Hang in there VM, dont' go down without a FIGHT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ September 24, 2004, 08:20 AM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

OW? YES, cut off ALL OW from your life, even those whom you were never involved in, but they had even the foggiest interest in you. You should send all OW a NO CONTACT LETTER (NCL).
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Done. It took a few weeks after D-Day, but as of right now, as of 9/7, actually, all contact has been cut off, period end of story. And it feels good!


Are you in Plan A? If you aren't, I think you should consider it PRONTO. It sounds to me like your W knows OM will not make her happy, but she has resentment towards you for past actions. Start today anew, start your Plan A and try to avoid any talks about your R. Is your W still in contact with OM? If she is, you might need to do some exposing, but if you have things in your life ie..OW you need to lead by example and don't throw it in her face like look I got rid of OW#1, and OW#2, you should have ended your R with these women a long time ago, right? I hope I'm understanding your post correctly, but from what I gather you both have OP in your life that need to GO.
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I have let go of mine, as stated above. She is still in contact with and seeing her OM, as much as is possible given he lives on the opposite side of the country - literally.

One thing I need to make clear - she knows that I know about her OM. In fact, she sat me down and told me everything pretty early on, how they met, when the A started, and she keeps me "posted" on how things are going with him now - she even cried to me the day she told him she wasn't moving out there right away, and then a few days ago was complaining to me about his immaturity and insensitivity!!

We are separated still, and she hasn't yet stated she is willing to committ to working on things. In fact, she mostly threatens to leave town and be with him because he is better for her than I am. But then the next day she turns around and says I am the one true love of her life and she misses me, too.

We had set some sort of unspoken deadline - she told me "I may move away to be with him in a few months" and I used that arbitrary date as "I will do whatever she asks for those few months and if it's not enough and she leaves, then I will have closure." And she has kinda hinted at the fact that at the end of those 2 months she might decide to stay here, dump the OM, and start working on us.

We're NOT working on us right now, except that we keep in contact, we have discussions (often her being angry and spiteful, but sometimes good) and spend short bursts of time together, and she has said certain things that make me feel like she is CONSIDERING the prospect of working on us.

See my new post (I'll put it up right after this one) for details on new developments that came up today.


The reason your W loves you one day and calls you a pig the next is probably because she's in contact with OM and one day she wants him, one day she wants you. D-day was only 2 weeks ago?
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Yes, I think she's confused...she even wrote a long heartfelt email to me that said "my head and my heart are doing battle and I think my heart may win, maybe not." But then the next day she's saying "you're a whore and I deserve better!"

D-Day was July 27.


See, if you start changing things now just to keep her, that won't work. You need to change somethings long-term, that you can stick with and give your W the security that this is the NEW YOU and you aren't EVER going back to the OLD YOU. It's a process, it takes time but the rewards are there. How does my plan sound so far?
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I am trying that. I realize that alot of my behavior was based on immaturity and a need for attention and ego boosts.
I can raise my level of self-confidence and grow up and act my age, I need to do that for myself, as well as for her.


1. Cut off all OW Pronto, Write NCL's and leave your W a copy. No long drawn out letters either. The letters should be short and simple. You love your W, and you want your M to work. Tell them to not to contact you ever again, you are a M man.
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More or less done - I HAVE cut them off, I've told her I've cut them off, and the cell phone bill will help show I'm not talking to them, but perhaps an email that I send to them and FW to her would help. I'll think on that.


2. Read everything you can about Plan A. You might want to order "Surviving an Affair," and "His Needs , Her Needs". Plan A is all about ending your spouses A and giving them reason to come back to the M. If you can't end her A you are in for a long rollercoaster ride, so please read everytbing you can on that Plan A.
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Yes, well, I have mixed luck dealing with her A, sometimes she says he's the greatest and is flying out to see him and sometimes she's telling me she's staying here because she loves me. I will read Plan A.


3. Get into Plan A. Try to identify what your W's Emotional Needs are and start filling them. If she won't take the Emotional Needs Questionnaire, maybe you can guess, but it helps if she can take it. My W's 5 top needs were, Conversation, Family, Recreation, Financial and Sexual Fulfillment. Right now OM is filling some of those needs, and your filling some of those needs or she would be gone already...get it? You need to fill as many as you can, this aids in lessening her need for OM in her life.
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I will try this, but I think this may have to wait until such time that she is more willing to work on it.


4. Probably MOST important..STOP THE LOVE BUSTERS. If you are fulfilling her EN's but you keep LBing, it's like shooting yourself in the foot every time you take a step. Come here to vent, do not vent to your W, no outbursts. You are going to get frustrated sometimes, maybe alot of times but it's important to control your LB's. It's time to look at your actions and see where you can make improvements that you can maintain for the life of your M.
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I NEVER get into LBing - I got a little snippy the other night, but all the screaming and insults are being done by her. I'm being apologetic, non-confrontational, conciliatory, and deferential.
I keep saying "I'm having patience with you while you sort through things" and I mean it.
I actually think part of her is mad that I AM being patient, that she wants me to fight back so she'll have more of an excuse to leave or be done with me. I won't do it - I want her to grow out of the anger and rage on her own, and see that I'm still there loving her and willing to work on things.


Hang in there VM, dont' go down without a FIGHT
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Thanks, that's what I'm doing...

OK, I posted on a new thread some recent developments, read on...