I was just wondering...

If you have had a false recovery (or recoveries) with your spouse, were there any warning signs that occurred that now - in hindsight - made you realize that things weren't quite right? That perhaps the spouse wasn't REALLY ready to do the work on recovery?

I know in my case, each time WH came home and said that the A was over, I sensed that he was doing what he felt was "right" vs. what he felt he wanted to do.

There was no enthusiasm toward me or toward wanting the marriage. Almost as if he were being pulled along with a leash.

Looking back, I can say that he didn't really WANT to give up OW, not any of the times, despite the n/c letters he sent. In fact, he broke the n/c himself in at least one of the recovery attempts.

Sometimes you can just "feel" things aren't right, and I could feel them with him. He seemed fairly withdrawn from me, not invested in the marriage. Oh, he said the right things - things he had read here and on SYMC. But the actions never followed.

That is exactly how I feel. My wife has committed to not seeing the OM ( other than he lives down the street) My problem is that our marriage is back to the way it was before the A. I call that time in outr lives the time when we cooked a recipe for failure. No talking living apart together. Now we are doing the same thing. I cant stop thinking about the betrayal and she just wants to move on " It was a bad decision". I cant forgive her I cant stop thinking about it and now dont know if I want to be with her. It is killing me.

The A is over but now I think I need a Plan A for me.

I guess this is part of the roller coaster feeling. I feel the same thing. Although my ww has not said that she is committed to m or that she wants to stop contact. She has shown signs from time to time only to revert back.....

travel fool,

Are you and your W in any kind of counseling? Marriage Counselor? Harleys? Penny Tupy of SYMC?

You both sound like you need to learn how to be together and to build a better marriage than you had before.

No She doesnt want to go. I read and read all day long. Buy her books and print out articles. She thinks we can do this alone. after all " It was just a mistake" Argggg a mistake I cant live with.

OK, so she doesn't want to go.

Have you considered talking to one of the Harleys or to Penny - just yourself? They could give you some guidance and direction.

I have thought about it. But what good is it if only one participates. Did you do it alone? Does it help?

Oh, my yes!

I've talked to Penny a lot! She's helped me tremendously (even though H and I are currently separated).

And I've talked to Jennifer Harley solo as well. That was some time ago.

I think even one session would be helpful. They could give you some guidance, even if your W isn't interested in participating.

As far as I'm concerned, it is worth the money for the investment in your marriage.

Hey ISGirl,
How have you been?
Two answers for you....

1. At first, I think I labeled anything positive as a recovery. Anything that I could construe as a good thing...We were in recovery. So that frame of mind made it easy to have false ones. I was up and down on the roller coaster right along with her. NC was never official, there would be periods of a week or so but never any long term.

The whole time could be described as endless hours of sadness puntuated by moments of sheer misery.

2. Looking back we never had a false recovery because neither one of us was willing to work like we should have until after we separated. I was so caught up in her feelings for OM and her's towards me I couldn't see straight. Not to mention my own tryst with OW. My wife felt guilt, pain, love, hate, imprisoned and freed all at once so she was a litte whacked also.

I guess I ask myself at what point can you lable yourself "in recovery" so you can have a false one?


As I read this again, I didn't really answer the question, huh?

If you have had a false recovery (or recoveries) with your spouse, were there any warning signs that occurred that now - in hindsight - made you realize that things weren't quite right? That perhaps the spouse wasn't REALLY ready to do the work on recovery?

Warning signs....I didn't really know what to look for. Like you I did have the feeling that my wife wasn't doing what she felt but rather what she should. At the time it didn't matter to me. Add to that the fact that I was in the "Doug's Doormat" version of plan A she could do pretty much anything. I was happy she was still coming home.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by d_rose:
<strong> At first, I think I labeled anything positive as a recovery. Anything that I could construe as a good thing...We were in recovery. So that frame of mind made it easy to have false ones.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, how right you are. I believe that most BS's are so eager, so desperate for their WS to come home that they settle for crumbs instead of insisting on the entire meal. The BS is wearing blinders and is - probably - in a foglike state in the early moments of recovery. Bliss...the spouse is home, the A is over (well, maybe).

As time goes on, however, and we experience repeated failures and/or ongoing rejections by the WS, we get stronger, see the bigger picture and realize that no longer is a partial investment or commitment going to cut it.

I think you hit the nail on the head. All effort is conscience. Nothing is done without a thought. That is what is really tough. Do you ever get back to doing things without thinking?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Originally posted by ISGirl:

I believe that most BS's are so eager, so desperate for their WS to come home that they settle for crumbs instead of insisting on the entire meal. The BS is wearing blinders and is - probably - in a foglike state in the early moments of recovery. Bliss...the spouse is home, the A is over (well, maybe).


</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was the opposite sort of BS.

I said, "Get out and stay out!"

He was the sort of WS who took crumbs from my table.

"Let me prove myself to you. I will do anything."

I don't know if this was helpful or harmful... I think it had more to do with the dynamics of our pre-A and mid-A marriage.... H had become somewhat of a dead weight around my neck... spending money, drinking, was a slob around the house... I was not too happy with him even before D-day.

In a sense, D-day gave me the courage to say to him out loud what I had been silently thinking to myself for some time "You need to take your UNhappy self elsewhere and leave this house, because you are miserable to be around."

Pep

Pep,

Interesting theory...about the dynamics of the relationship pre-A.

See, I had always pictured myself to be the Pepperband type of BS..."you screwed me over, now get your sorry butt out!"

Yet, when it actually occurred, I could not envision throwing him out or throwing in the towel on the M.

H had been an active member of our M, a willing participant in most every aspect. Of course, now I realize that he was suppressing feelings, not communicating honestly about what he wanted to do.

So, taking that theory one step further, I am wondering how the pre-A dynamics affect the behavior and recovery efforts of the WS.

Hmmmmm...gotta think on that.

So, taking that theory one step further, I am wondering how the pre-A dynamics affect the behavior and recovery efforts of the WS.

Interesting...

Let's hope others weigh in with their opinions.

Pep

Hi ISGirl,

It's nice to see you around again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

For me,when my WH came home for the second false recovery,I was aware within that second week that something wasn't right.He had reverted back to his old ways of expecting me to do everything and be like a "maid" so when I didn't make him that third cup of coffee,he says to me that aha! he knew things didn't change.I was like "Huh?" He basically wanted to come back home and not do a darn thing to change himself,even though I was already in the process but the maid routine was not going to happen anymore.Like pep said,I was done with the way things were and this was a time to make everything so much better,on both sides but I was the only one doing the work,as brief as it was.

Also,he was continuing to e-mail the homewrecker and use the cell phone but he got caught.That was the real beginning of the end for us.It's only gotten worse,on so many levels.There is no going back for me.I just know in my heart that my WH will never change and I don't want to be with someone like that anymore.I will not be used.

Hope you are fairing better than I.

O

Hi Octobergirl!

Yeah, I'm not here on MB as much as I used to be...mostly over at SYMC, but wanted to start these threads and get some great minds thinking on the two I opened today.

I think in your example about the coffee and things going back the old way, it kinda sounds like your H was just waiting for you to drop the ball - however small the oversight. Then, BAM! There you have it: "I knew it would never work."

Far too often, I think, a WS who comes home prematurely is just waiting for the BS to make a mistake so s/he (WS) can say, "I knew it all along...my M was a mistake" and justify the continuation of the A in this manner. I guess at that point they are still in the fog, who knows? What I do know is that they aren't fully prepared to do the hard work in the marriage.

You're right about the WS looking for an out.My WH didn't seem phased one bit when I found out about him e-mailing the homewrecker after he announced his committment to the marriage again.Almost like,so what? I could have made him a hundred cups of coffee but that was not and never was the real issue.Nevermind that I was in counseling,reading books till my head was going to crack,working my butt off to please him,trying not to pressure him,completely open to discussion,etc,etc.

WS's probably all same the same mantra anyway right? "We grew apart","I wasn't happy in the marriage", "It will just never work out".Yada yada yada.Whatever helps them get though their days.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

O

his isgirl....your time lines in your sig our similair to mine. All i can say about false recoveries, how important n/c is with OW.

My biggest mistake was not getting a no contact letter wrote and sent to OW. I could just kick myself in the [censored] for that.

We had 2 good years of recovery (which i beleive, but WH says he just told me what i wanted to hear.) Anyway, i beleive in the 2 yrs there was no contact (maybe the odd email here and there). She lived far away from us, about 3,500 miles.

But 2 yrs later, she turned up, called him and he couldnt get to her fast enough (his words).

The only advice i can give is please everyone follow MB's plan for recovery right down to the minute detail. I didnt. What a mistake.

You asked about things not being right and having a feeling. Looking back, the only thing i can think of that my WH did that seemed different was his personal interest/hobbies didnt seem to matter anymore. He had no enthusiam for things he onced enjoyed. I just chalked it up to him growing older and getting tired, but actually i guess he was still pining for OW. In other words those things didnt matter anymore without her.

Sorry, i couldnt be of much help.

take care
A/c0810

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by A/C0810:
<strong>My biggest mistake was not getting a no contact letter wrote and sent to OW. I could just kick myself in the [censored] for that.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, don't kick yourself too hard. My WH has sent OW TWO n/c letters and he is the one who broke n/c each time as far as I know. If their heart isn't pure and they don't really want to end the A, a hundred n/c letters are not going to help you.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Looking back, the only thing i can think of that my WH did that seemed different was his personal interest/hobbies didnt seem to matter anymore. He had no enthusiam for things he onced enjoyed. I just chalked it up to him growing older and getting tired, but actually i guess he was still pining for OW. In other words those things didnt matter anymore without her.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah, sounds like withdrawal and possibly depression as well.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry, i couldnt be of much help.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Everything is helpful to someone. That's the beauty of this board.

^bump^ ... for the new week ...

... for new responses.