I have posted a few times at various points in this journey--My WW (married for 18 yrs) has been in an EA (as far as I know, nothing further) for about 3 mos with a younger male "friend" of hers. I had intercepted a number of e-mails providing black-and-white evidence of this relationship, but did not confront her with them until now on advice of our counselor, although I had confronted her some weeks ago without the e-mails. Against the counselor's advice, at our latest counseling session I did indeed tell WW that I had the e-mails. She minimized their importance and said that they didn't mean what they said, it was not what it appeared, etc., although any rational person would see these messages and know that something was going on. She is in complete denial and is now angry with me, of course, for exposing the evidence. She is in scramble mode, has no intention of ceasing contact with OM, and won't even admit that her relationship with OM, the secrecy, the concealment, etc. were the least bit wrong on her part. I have shared general knowledge of the e-mails with WW's best friend and her sister, because they started asking questions about WW's behavior, and I didn't want to just make a blind accusation--I felt that they needed to know if they reuly wanted to help, which they do. WW is very angry about that also. What should I do next--formulate a Plan B deadline, ask her to leave, continue with my best efforts, expose the evidence to other family and friends...?? She has threatened to leave if I tell anyone else, but at this point that may not be a bad option. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks for the great people on this board!

Dear AJ:

I would like to know what was your counselor's take on the emails. How did he/she handle your statement about that?

Maybe it would be a good place to talk about it in your sessions. If your wife is in denial then with the help of the counselor you all could help her realize the extent of her involvement with her "friend".

I am sorry that you are in this situation, AJ, but the most important thing is to make no decisions in the spur of a moment. Are you reading and applying the MB principles in your M?

Learn as much as you can here. There is help and there is hope.

The counselor actually handled the confrontation in our session--I haearlier shown her (Counselor) all the e-mails and she agreed with me that there was a definite problem. Besides the e-mails, there has been very suspicious behavior by WW--lots of absences from home, cell phone calls, secrecy, concealment--the classic signs of an affair. I had attempted to directly confront WW about this relationship, but got a flat denial and absolute refusal to end or even reduce contact with OM. The counselor is incredulous at WW's complete denial of any wrongful conduct, even in the face of written expressions of her feelings. I asked WW myself if she honestly thought that there was nothing wrong about her conduct toward me over the past three months--she said maybe she used poor judgment a couple of times, but no, she didn't consider it wrong and doesn't consider it an "affair". She is in scramble mode now and is very possibly going to move out of our home (and away from our daughter).

AJ4,
Is the younger OM boy married or have a signifcant other that might be surprised to hear about the A (either an E or P)?

k

<small>[ September 26, 2004, 02:45 PM: Message edited by: krusht ]</small>

AJ4,

Also seems like VERY EXTREME behavior (moving out of your house??) for just a minor mis-understanding!

k

AJ, they almost always threaten to "move out" if you expose them, but it is always an idle threat. Don't let it stop you. The greater threat to your marriage is the affair and you may lose you marriage if you don't do everything to end it.

Your best bet is to expose to your family and friends and make her little affair as uncomfortable as possible before it proceeds to a new level. What you are doing is forcing her to see it through the eyes of others when she is forced to explain it to them. An affair can't survive for long once exposed to the light of day because it bursts exposure ruins the fantasy aspect.

Who is the OM? Is he married? Are there any exposure opportunities on his end?

Hi AJ,

I read all your posts and I would suggest that you continue in Plan A for now and continue all exposure until there is no one left.Sure your WW is mad but that goes with the territory.Kind of like when Dorothy splashes water on the Wicked Witch of the west.It hurts and stings the WS to have the reality brought to light versus the secrecy of Infidelity but it's necessary.She's not only in scramble mode but denial mode.Anything to help her get through each day right now.

Keep putting the gentle pressure on.Take care of yourself in the interim.Plan B comes later.Don't go there just yet.

O

I did indeed tell WW that I had the e-mails. She minimized their importance and said that they didn't mean what they said, it was not what it appeared, etc.,


Really?

She is in complete denial and is now angry with me, of course, for exposing the evidence.

If the emails did not mean what they said then why pray tell all her anger and bluster?

Of course she's angry... you stepped on her fantasy...

Plan A like crazy and expose the affair further...

Be the loving spouse at home ready to meet all her emotional needs... when she will let you.

Do not get angry in return ... but speak softly the truth.


Pep

To answer a couple of the questions posed in the replies (thanks for the responses, by the way), OM is divorced with 2 young sons, but is supposedly dating one of WW's friends now--this is a strange relationship, because WW is always around them and there is still lots of contact between WW and OM. Kinda strange for a dating couple, eh?
I had tried to cover this in a separate post, but WW is now furious with me because I shared the e-mail evidence with her sister and her best friend, thinking that those closest to her might be able to reach her and help. She has diverted the subject from the content of the e-mails to my sharing them with others. Says I have "permanently damaged" these relationships and that the only reason she has not moved out is because of our 10-year-old daughter. She is starting to recruit new friends that are also friendly to OM. We live in a small town and I know she is terrified of this getting around, but she seems so addicted that she can't avoid contact with OM, even though he is supposedly dating someone else. In fact, OM's new girlfriend has suddenly become one of WW's best friends. WW is 43 yrs old, highly educated professional person, but is acting like a rebellious teenager--from all I have read on this site and in Dr. Harley's book, this is to be expected. I am continuing to take the high road here at home and do everything I can to show her I love her and want her back. Thanks for the support!!