There are lots of new people here so I will give a brief history first.

We have been married 18 years, and it hasn't been pretty...abuse, neglect, abandonment- you name it.

Turns out he has ASP (anitosocial personality disorder) which is generally thought to be untreatable.

It got to the point a year ago that he left (and left us destitute). I moved out, and I live at my job. The house has been vacant.

He has been involved with numerous women over the years briefy, (during the times when he was gone) and more recently with a woman friend who has been doing her best to get her hooks into him.

She knows nothing about what he is really like, but I suspect that as time has gone on she has been getting an idea and that it will be shortly over.

From his point of view she is a friend and they have sex sometimes. He doesn't have feelings for her- she is just a place to run to when he needs a place to run. He says he has been using her etc.

I have set aside the marriage aspect of things. I know I am better off not living with him until he is well.

I have been concentrating on praying for him to be healed and reconciled with God. (He is a believer- conflicted- but a believer, nontheless).


Roughroad said something a while back that struck me: that he needs to get there on his own.

I agree.

Anyway, my news is this:

Yesterday I went to the house to check on things. He was there. He was CUTTING FIREWOOD for the winter. (this is significant, as it is the first time in years he has done so on his own initiative.)

He had moved his things back there, and was talking about some REPAIRS he plans to do there.

He said he is going to hire someone to do some leveling so that we can use the land like we should have done years ago...

(this from a man who for years said he hated it there...)

Moreover, he asked about getting a job in the area.

I invited him over for supper, and he did also some maintenance work for me at my job, for which he was paid, and he GAVE THE MONEY TO ME.

He brought a present for our daughter, an MP3 player, and she was delighted.

More importantly, he shared some things about his life, that he is usually rather secretive about. He has been keeping bad company, but has gotten out. He showed good judgement.


I don't know what all of this means, but I will take it as a good sign.

They say that around age 40, some men with ASP start to come to their senses; they begin to see the consequences of the self destructive path they have been on, and come to their senses.

I think I need to tread carefully now.

Shul

Shul, well i am glad for you both as well as for your daughter. you didn't tell him you were coming to the house right? you just went to check on the place and he was there?

i think you need to be even more cautious right now. i think you had gotten a "place" that was good for you and now your H is showing some improvment. i would even be hestiant to ask him over for dinner. really space those things out. i know you are concerned about the affect of everything has on your DD and rightly so. maybe have an invite come from you then her then you, etc. i wouldn't want her to get into a position where she is disappointed but i'm really skeptical about everything coming from you as well because of all that has been "gained" so far.

without coming to the house i would be curious how you would have ever known about what he had done (move back to the house, etc.) and is why i feel like maybe he needs to be given more time to come around rather then invite him over all the time (generalizing here). do you get what i mean?

still pray as always but maybe focus your prayer a little more to reflect the new developements and for God to really show you what you need to do and not do given the circumstances. i'm sure you already are praying for God's guidance but just wanted to offer that again here.

i'm not sure when i stopped praying for my M, i mainly concentrated on praying for God's will to be done in my life as well as H's and OW's. but i found out yesterday from my lawyer that my H has not filed anything yet. He's been telling me since May that he's going to file and even told me a few weeks ago that i should expect a summons in a couple of weeks. i'm not sure what's going on but it seemed to be a little sign to me that i needed to start praying again for my marriage in addition to God's will in my life and H's.

continued prayers to you and yours, and continue to keep us posted, RR

RR,

I figure if we pray for them to be reconciled to God, the marriage part will also come in time.

I decided a long time ago that I won't bother about lawyers. If he should choose to inititate something thats up to him , but he won't. It would be his loss and my gain financially anyway.

RR, remember that you and your H are one flesh, one spirit. I am convinced that only death can sever that- not divorce or separation.

God has joined the two of you, like crazy glue it is permanent.

I do palliative care and bereavement counseling, and I can tell you that even with the death of a spouse the bond is very strong. It is like having ones arm torn off, even when the relationship was not a happy one.


Yes, I didn't know he was there at the house. He hasn't been calling. I did offer it to him awhile back when he said his job was ending soon. But I didn't expect him to move there. I thought he might move to the city with ow.

I am going to let him alone. I will let him initiate visits. But not overnight ones. I don't want to sleep with him while he is with someone else anymore. It diminishes me.

I will say that he was showing afffection, but he has a bad cold so he kissed me on the forehead as he was leaving.

I really don't know what is going on in his head. I think he is still going to see ow in town some nights. But she is not the problem anyway. It is a symptom only.

He still doesn't know that I don't want to live with him. He thinks I am waiting for him to come back and support us etc. He thinks it is all a trap when I am nice to him.

So I will let him be.

I still think of this as bridge building.

I shared on another thread that last year I had some workers here who were repairing a bridge.

Instead of tearing out the old rotten supports, they put in new strong ones, and then it made the bridge safe to cross, and the old ones will fall away on their own in time.

For us to Plan A (which is really just loving one another expecting nothing in return,as we are instructed) we need to be trusting God for our needs. When we do that we are building strong supports, we are not shaken by their actions- we show them love anyway, yes?

And they can't help but respond.

God's love in us draws them like a moth to a flame.

But I think my husband also needs to experience the void of my love a wee bit.

In Hosea, God says that when they eventually get into trouble, which they all do, them they come looking for his love, his help. He speaks of withdrawing himself.


Maybe it is so that we don't take him for granted, and I think that is also the case with me and H. I thin he has been taking my love for granted.

This calls for wisdom, one day at a time.

And in the end it is God who is at work in them, and he is able to do way more than we are. He can bring about circumstances, change hearts, heal lives, set captives free.

I am waiting to see what will happen next.

Shul, you must keep him at arm's length, let him come to you on his own. You know this.

Have you ever read James Ellroy's book My Dark Places? It's kind of an autobiography. He writes about reopening the case of his mother's murder, which occurred in the late 50s when he was a boy and his parents were divorced. His life from that point forward until he was around 40 was a blurry mess of homelessness, petty crime, and drug abuse. I think perhaps he had ASP. The writing is excellent, and the story is remarkable. The language is quite rough, so if you don't like that sort of thing, be warned.

Just a random thought...

GC

Hi Gc,

No I haven't read it but I will order it from the library right now.

Yes, I will let him come to me.

I think God is dealing with him right now, and I should not interfere anyways.

Shul