Have you ever really thought about the elements you would like to have in place in your relationship with your partner?

Yeah, we all know the pieces that are necessary, just from our own "gut" or from reading here. So we know about "radical honesty" and other terms that are bandied about.

But, have you ever really sat down and tried to write out your recipe for your relationship?

Honesty...hmmmmm, ok, great. What would that look like in practical application in your everyday lives?

Affection...same question.

What would a typical workday look like? How about a weekend day?

Writing out a recipe for your marriage may help you and your spouse to negotiate improvements in your relationship and help dust off some of the misunderstandings.

And Plan B'ers...what would your marriage look like in Recovery?

all good questions....i would love to see the repsones

Recipe

1 part Ward

1 part June

Add 2 small people

Coctails with the Rutherfords on Friday night

LOL

Great questions I recognized the recipe when it was so bad it drove my wife to the A. Cant figure out the good one.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by travel fool:
<strong> Great questions I recognized the recipe when it was so bad it drove my wife to the A. Cant figure out the good one. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Perhaps, like any good chef knows, it takes trial and error to get the ingredients just right.

I've actually been trying to figure this out for the past month. I think I have figured out elements that are important to me- and am guessing as to what is important to my H. The problem is getting him to *buy* in to the changes. JL has been helping me make some of the changes on my own, but it is getting a bit frustrating not to have H actively working with me to make our M better. He doesn't believe in marriage counciling or any of the related *stuff*. I read a post on here the other day by a husband who was gung ho about making the marriage work and actively working on it and wished that my H had the same enthusiasm.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sadfww:
<strong> I've actually been trying to figure this out for the past month. I think I have figured out elements that are important to me- </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What are they? Can you post the details here? It will help everyone in developing this recipe.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I read a post on here the other day by a husband who was gung ho about making the marriage work and actively working on it and wished that my H had the same enthusiasm. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's a big difference. That is key. Without the enthusiasm being visible, it is difficult to believe that it is real.

Great thread:

Lets see...

1st Ingredient...Laughs, let go to some comedy shows, rent/buy some comedy movies, jokes a plenty, I want us to smile till it hurts

2nd Ingredient...Dress Up, lets hit the town, wine and dine, taking my lady on the town would be nice, a show, a play, dancing maybe

3rd Ingredient...Spontaniety, romantic spontaneous things, flowers, kissing in public, romantic surprises...that's the ticket.

4th Ingredient...Recreation, We are planning this one as we speak, I pick the sport and she picks the language. I'm thinking tennis, she's thinking Italian. So we can meet that 15hour a week Harley Principle. Spending time together doing something physical should help us bond without thinking about it, then Learning a new language will be like our secret code, we could go to Italian Resturants and use our language, before long we'll have to travel to Italy and try out our new dialect.

5th Ingredient...Dream for the future. I want the sky to be the limit, anything is possible. More children? Possiblity! Buy a home in the country maybe, see the world, go on a cross country trip, travel..Dreams are important and no dream is too big for our M.


Final Result: Best friends, Lovers, Partners, Confidants, TeamMates, Ying/Yang all of the above. These are my ingredients, it's just the application that's the hard part. Can one spouse really initiate all of this and some how encourage the other spouse into participating without pulling and pushing? I truly don't believe my W is ready for all of this just yet, but I know she would love it to happen. Dr. Harley said one spouse CAN save a M, I'm going to take him up on that challenge <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

IS- since you asked, I'll spell out what my *dream* marriage would be. Just a point of clarification- I am a FWW. It has been 8 years since contact and 5 years since Dday.

Anyway, these are the elements that I want to bring into my marriage:

1) Every day affection- instigated by BOTH of us (I generally am the one who makes any affectionate gesture.) This could take the form of physical touching- or verbal affection.

2) Finding something recreational we both are very interested in. We used to enjoy doing things together. At this point, our recreational choices have WIDELY diverged. I want us to enjoy going out and doing things together as we used to do. I want us to be able to have discussions at home about things that interest both of us. The 15 hours a week recommended by Dr. Harley isn't something that we even come CLOSE to. I want at LEAST one date night every week. It's difficult because our kids are so little- but I want to strive for it.

3) NO MORE LOVEBUSTING. As I have posted before, my tongue at this point is full of scar tissue - I have been working REALLY hard at not responding or reacting to H's comments and actions that bug me. But I want H to make a real effort at controlling HIMSELF too. Twice this week he has been- well just downright mean and angry. Not particularly at me- just at the house, the kids etc. While our household has gotten calmer since I have been trying to implement the marriage builder concepts, it isn't where I want it yet.

I'm running out of time so that's all I'll post for the moment. Thanks for this exercise- it actually helps to write things out in black and white.

Oh Family,

I want your recipe, that is what I want!

(except for the more children <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

My ex is the kind of person who is game for anything, anywhere, anytime and laughter was never a stranger to us, and he is passionate about every single thing he does, especially me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But alas, he just can't get that honesty part down.

I'ld have to make the largest ingredient honesty but definately throw in all the rest, (especially learning italian together and then going to Italy, man oh man wouldn't that be something to do with your mate)

Great thread ISGirl!

Family,

How very cool! You pick the sport, she picks the language! So...you're going to learn Italian, huh? How are you doing that? Are you attending a class together or using another approach?

That is so creative! You guys rock! You have a great recipe going.

Sad,

Thanks for the details on your wish list. I'm going to start posting my thoughts in a few minutes.

About the divergent interests...any chance of negotiation like Family Matters...you pick the activity, he picks something else, and then next weekend flip-flop?

This is actually a strategy used in Divorce Remedy. You don't just focus on your goals, but you imagine how things will be different. This way, when things are happening that way, you can start recognizing it.

Going by my own Top EN's:

#1: Affection:

Recover and Post-Recovery:
-When I'm feeling that my hsuband is being affectionate, he will write me SILLY poems, make me coffee more often and send me flowers once a month or so.
During Separation:
-I will feel that my husband is showing me more affection when he resumes the use of "I love you.", when he sends me cards with a simple "hello" inside, when he calls at times when it is not expected and when he emails me with work-anecdotes.
(footnote: I have always received the emails and I'm beginning to receive the unexpected calls. Baby steps.)

#2: Honesty and Openess
Recover and Post-Recovery:
-I will feel that my husband is being more open and honest with me when he shares both positive and negative thoughts about our marriage. I will feel that he is more open and honest when he shares at least a somewhat detailed account of his activities when we are apart. I will feel that he is being more open and honest when he is eager to share his day with me.
During Separation:
-I will feel like my husband is being more honest and open with me when he thinks before answering my questions. I will feel like he is being more honest and open with me when HE ASKS ME about MY activities, thoughts and feelings.
(footnote: Overall, his openess has improved from what it was in our marriage. But I think he is still very dishonest about the things he is doing. Even though he will NOT commit to not dating so I know it's a possibility, he does not answer my questions about his nights out with all honesty.)

#3: Admiration
Recover and Post-Recovery:
-I will feel more admiration from my husband when he freely offers at least one compliment per day, without me having to "fish" for it. I will feel his admiration when he finds SOMETHING to compliment me on, even if it's a small thing that we both know is true, like, "Your hair is so thick and soft. I love the way it feels running through my fingers."
During Separation:
-I will feel my husband's admirations when he notices the changes I'm making and gives me kudos for them. I will feel his admiration when he tells me things he likes about me.
(footnote: admiration is very important to me and it's something my husband has a hard time understanding. He doens't understand how it can help to motivate me and just feel good about myself. He thinks it should all come from within. A lot DOES come from within but it's always nice to hear it from someone you love.)

#4: Sexual Fulfillment
Recover and Post-Recovery:
-I will feel more sexually fulfilled when my husband and I make it a POINT to go to bed at the same time and have sexual relations. I will feel more fulfilled when each person initiates about 1/2 of the time. When I am feeling fulfilled, we will have had some kind of intimate touching at least every other day.
During Separation:
-????? except: I will feel sexually fulfilled as long as my husband and I continue to have sex when we DO see each other.
(footnote: SF was only a problem for us for a little while, and it was me who didn't want it. It improved drastically after his affair..lol..and in very good ways. One good thing is we are still hot for each other.)

#5: Recreational Companionship
Recover and Post-Recovery:
-I will feel that my need for companionship is filled when we resume doing things we used to do like going out to dance clubs. I will feel that my need for companionship is filled when we are scuba diving, surfing and golfing.
During Separation:
-I will feel this need fulfilled when we go on dates during his visits, and don't just stay at home cuddling and watching movies. I will feel fulfilled when we go to amusement parks and dance clubs. I will feel this need fulfilled when he sincerely invites me to come along with him and his friends for parties or whatever.

A Day In The Life of My Marriage

OK, starting with a weekday...a workday for both of us...

We would both get up at the same time - a good morning kiss - and walk around the block with the dog.

We'd start our morning routines at the same time so we could chat while I apply makeup, etc. (he used to wait until I left for work, cuz he worked from home).

Goodbye kiss, and "I love you".

During my commute, an occasional call between us, just a "miss you" call or sharing something I heard on the radio or he read in the paper or on the Internet.

At work, up until lunchtime...occasional emails or phone calls.

Same in the afternoon.

Evening...exercise together, cook together at home. We had developed a habit of going out to eat a lot, and cooking together made me feel very connected to him, and we had fun with it. We took turns being the sous chef!

Dishes/cleanup together. Sit on the couch and chat about our day, specifics, not just telling each other, "oh, it was the same old crud as every other day." We should care enough about each other to want to be invited into the specifics of each other's days. This would be without the intrusion of/distraction of the television set.

During this conversation time...touching...lots of touching. Stroking each other's head, tender showing of affection.

A little tv, maybe, but only if there is really something one or both wants to watch. Try to avoid the mindless channel surfing that happens to so many of us.

Go to bed at the same time. If he's not tired, come to bed with me anyway, and let the tv in the bedroom put him to sleep.

Oh, don't forget the goodnight kiss...and cuddling.

You know...it's funny.

Re-reading my post above about a day in my marriage...

made me feel re-connected to my WH...

made me remember how in the past when we were together I felt so insulated from outside forces and threat...

made me remember how strongn a team we seemed to be...

wonder if that is ever to be recaptured.

^bumping^ for the new week...

for new responses.