My wife informed me today that she is leaving Sunday Oct 3 to be with OM. She is flying halfway acroos the country to be with this jerk. I am sad but I am also relieved. He won't be calling my house anymore. I won't have to put up with this craziness.
My wife also related to me how crazy OM's daughter is. She is a very spoiled 19 yr old that has no boundaries. My wife even said that her boyfriend has lots of guns. What a crazy situation to put yourself in. I fear for her safety. I don't trust the OM(how could I0. I can't stop it, God knows I tried. I Plan A my butt off all summer and couldn't change the outcome.
She said I get no satisfaction in causing you pain. Well this is the most painful experience of my life. It exceeds the death of parents.

So one more week. I want to cry but I can't anymore. I feel so betrayed and useless.
I see my IC this afternoon and I see my pschiatrist tomorrow. All I can do now is keep on breathing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hopefulinnc:
<strong> My wife informed me today that she is leaving Sunday Oct 3 to be with OM. She is flying halfway acroos the country to be with this jerk. I am sad but I am also relieved. He won't be calling my house anymore. I won't have to put up with this craziness. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HINC,

I'm so very sorry to read this. Is this a permanent move for your wife, or a visit? But yes, you will be better off protected from the craziness.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Well this is the most painful experience of my life. It exceeds the death of parents.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, in fact, I have used the same exact words. The pain of betrayal by someone you trust to protect you is HORRIBLE, unimaginable to those who have never experienced it.

I'm very glad you're seeing your counselors. Take care of yourself.

Thanks for the reply. I plan on taking care of myself. It is my only option at this point.

It's hard when the WS moves out, but in some ways it is also easier. You will be removed from the daily hurt and rejection. In may case this time apart has really helped me to heel. I don't know how people do it everyday with the other person there causing constant pain. Although you will miss your WS, you will be surprised at the peace you will be able to find. Get the calendar out now and start scheduling stuff, do NOT sit around the house. The weekends where I don't have anything to do are the worst.

Take care and good luck to you.

You CAN survive this. You'll come to be grateful for the fact that she took her drama with her. You can't change her, you can only change YOU. Move forward. Have a life. It'll take time, but you WILL survive!

C

Thanks to all for the words of encouragement. yes she takes this drama with her. I won't have to face it everyday. I have to make plans to stay busy. I am usually a home body well that is gonna have to change. I am sad and heart broken now but I will survive this. I must think positive.

Hopeful -

Sorry you are hurting so badly. I know how devastating it feels. I was alway a homebody too, and still am for that matter.

This is the best thing that could happen for your marriage. Wait till your wife is around the 19 year old spoiled daughter, and the OM's wife. I suggest that you go out now and get stocked up on some popcorn, so you will have it when the show begins.

I still don't think your wife is going to be crazy enough to go. We will see.

HINC,

Well, a date has been set. Now reality starts to really set in. It is for you, but for the first time it will be for her as well. She has been in this fantasy affair for 6 years, NOW it becomes real.

There really is nothing you can do, but conduct yourself with honor, honesty, and grace. This is going to happen and there is no doubt it hurts. But, HINC, as I have said before, things will be better for you. The first few weeks will be terrible for you, but you will notice as time goes on, that your life will develop its own patterns and pace. Your life has been a mess for many months now, but it will get better.

Start planning what you will do on the holidays, Thanksgiving (can you cook the turkey <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> , if so invite your family home). Think the same way for Christmas, make sure you decorate and make it as festive as you can. I realize your children are elsewhere, but if they can come home make it a great Christmas. Your youngest will need this alot. He will need your stability. I know he thinks he is big stuff in college. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> but he will miss many things.

In short, just typing here, I have given a lot to do and heck I am not your W <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . But I think you get the point, you will be busy and you know you need to be. Take good care of yourself, and your kids. They will need you for support more than they realize.

You, my man, ARE going to be very busy and it sounds as if you have wonderful people in your life. Enjoy them fully. Look forward to this, it does not substitute for what is happening in many ways, but it offers you an opportunity to show your kids, family, and friends what YOU are made of, seize it.

God Bless,

JL

Hi Hopefulinnc,

There is nothing wrong with being a homebody.I am one too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I love puttering around the house doing stuff.It has helped me tremendously over the past year.My home is my safe place and nowhere else do I feel as secure as here.

So,I am glad too that my WH is gone,like your WW.My WH left for 5 days and I feel so much better already.No drama,no cell phone beeps from the homewrecker,no arguments or parental tug o'wars,etc.Pure bliss.I can say that now and I am sure you are struggling but you will feel better in time with or without your WW.

I agree that this is THE most painful experience one can endure aside from losing a child,which I have never had to deal with thank God.I think one of the biggest reasons why is that we have loved and depended on our spouses to get us through and support us in terrible times but of course they can't do that if they are in the midst of adultery and the very ones causing such pain.It's a horrific dichotomy.

Take it one day at a time ok? One minute,one hour,one day.Step by step.You can do it.

O

<small>[ September 24, 2004, 12:49 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

JL is exactly right. Your life will develop it's own patterns and pace.

When I went to Plan B, I was just relieved to be off the rollercoaster. Later I felt good, just because I was not being hurt day after day.

After that I started enjoying my life again. Now I hardly think of WH at all, and I don't miss him anymore.

IF your wife leaves, you will get there too.

Believer-she is crazy enough to go. I would bet money on it. The OM's daughter is also crazy. This little girl has been leaving very ugly messages on my wife's cell phone all summer. My wife finally cancelled the phone. She might do anything.


JL-I cook a mean turkey on the grill. I expect my children to come home for both Thanksgiving and Christmass. Maybe by then I can put on a festive face.


Octobergirl-thanks for the reply. As one who is in the midst of this how do you mentally put this in it's place. I am pretty good at compartmentalizing but this is driving me nuts.

One question, my wife's 50th Bday occurs on the 27th. I plan to send her a picture of the house with the new maple tree I plan to plant in her honor, with the only message being Happy Birthday".

I also just LB but couldn't help it. I found the slip of paper by the computer where she wrote down the flight info. On it she has a return date of the 16th. I told her there was no need for a return flight. She said I can't carry my personal effects with me and I can come back and get them. I agreed but I said you can only come here 1 time to get your stuff. She said I can come back to our town any time I please. I again agreed and siad I can't control that but you can't come here but 1 time to get your stuff.

My mind is racing and my heart is bleeding.

hopeful -

How is she planning on getting her things there? If I were you I would arrange to send them to her, as soon as she leaves. Let her know that you want her to have her things, and there is no reason to waste money coming back.

Do you have a Plan B letter ready?

Plan B letter has been ready for months. I suggested that I ship her stuff to her. She said that is expensive, I said that is OK

She is flying. Youngest son wrecked her car 3 weeks ago.

Ship her stuff. Let her know you don't want her to be without it. Otherwise she will still you in her head as a safety net. You need to give her her freedom.

She'll be back.

Hi again,

I agree to shipping the personal effects of WW.If she fights you on coming back home,tell her you will have all her things packed and stacked in the garage for her retrieval.No need for her to enter the domain and cause a scene.

As for the heartbreaking pain I am sure you are going through,all I can say is,time is the answer.It's so cliche I know but truly,in time,you WILL start to feel better.Your thoughts become so much clearer and you wonder why you stay with the WS for so long.On the other hand,if your WW realizes what she is losing and comes back with the intent to make your marriage better,then you can deal with that if and when it happens.But either way,taking care of you and redesigning your life in new ways that help perpetuate healing is the focus right now.

How do you do this? There are many ways.Examples are,rearrange the house to your liking,paint,clean,decorate with pictures or art that pleases you.Have a reason to smile when you walk into each room of the house.Like Feng Shui,try to bring in positve energy into your home.

Do things that you may have put off for years like hobbies,repairing that old tractor in the garage,fixing up an old ping pong table(I did this),landscape,garden or start a garden.Keep yourself busy to get through this time.If you are too down and feel poorly,take it easy and rent a non adultery movie,have some hot chocolate or coffee.Read a favorite book.Take a long hot shower.Pamper yourself,even though you are a guy,there are things I am sure that you feel good about doing.See friends and family and don't ever be afraid to talk about what you are going through.You need to let it all out.

If you go to Plan B when she finally leaves,this will also help you in time.It is very hard at first,but it a Godsend of a plan to help you detach from the daily pain of infidelity.I was so much better when I was in this plan way back when.It's amazing how better you cope when the source of your pain is not right there next to you,burning you.

O

Thanks to all who replied. Believer, Jl and Octobergirl thanks. I am leaving now to see my counselor. A wonderful woman who has been through this herself. I will post later this evening. It will help I think to talk to her.

hopefulinnc..

I am very sorry for your pain.

I wanted to tell you a little bit about my experience as a young adult when my parents split up. I am now about your age.

When I was nineteen my parents split up. My mother previously had many affairs. In fact, during the first year of their marriage, she committed bigamy while my father was in the military stationed at Paris Island. She was jailed for this, so he dutifully got leave, took care of the situation, then returned to finish his training. He loved her very much.

On and off through the years, their relationship had suffered a number of setbacks.

After she finally divorced dad in order to be with a man she had been seeing, the other man summarily dumped her. Since she had left the marriage to my dad with nothing more than a few dollars and her clothes (her choice, other man was wealthy), she had no where to sleep and no money. Being the prideful woman that she was, she didn't come 'home' but stayed with a girl friend until she could find another man.

Before she died, she had been married 8 or 9 times, and had more affairs than I can count. A couple of years before she died, she confessed to me how much she wished she had appreciated my dad and stayed with him.

The reason I am telling you this is not to provide you with hope that your wife's new relationship will not workout, (I can just about guarantee that it won't), but to make a plea to you.

In my parents situation, there were three children. Two of us obvious offspring of my fathers, and one of us that obviously came from another man (my father loved him as much as us).

When their relationship ended, my father was torn to shreds. He fell apart, started drinking and became completely unstable. I was already living away from home, so my 17 year old brother now set out on his own, and my dad was left with my unofficial half brother (9 years old). My mother wanted nothing to do with any of us.

You can imagine what holidays were like. I ended up married at 21, bought a house with my wife, and we became the only stability in the family.

So, here is my plea to you.

I beg of you sir, for your children's sake, do not fall apart. Do not let what this woman is doing to your family, wreck it.

Stay strong. Go ahead and plan the holidays with your children at your home. Trust me, they still see it as their home, they are just living away. My daughter is 24, lives in another city, but still thinks of our house as her home.

Your wife's presence will be missed, but you will still be a family. You can't possibly imagine how important this is for your kids. They might even deny it since they know or will know how hurt you are.

I pray that your wife gets a serious dose of reality NOW.

God bless.
Gimble

Gimble-thanks for the story. Your Mom sounds like my wife-3 affairs in our marriage that she admits. I don't know if that is the truth. One of the things my wife admires in me is my stability. I do what I say I will do when I say I will do it. So yes I am working hard, harder than ever before in my life, to stay strong for my children. My oldest, a daughter, is not dealing with this very well. She is not talking to us much. The middle son,25, is angry as hell at his mother and so is the 18 yr old who just left for college. I got the house in the agreement so they all have "home" to come to. I will be strong for them. But right now this moment I am very weak. But I will rebound and turn this change into a positive for me and my kids.

Well folks just got back from an IC session. Her advice is just like yours. Take care of my self and go about my business as I please. In effect, act like I'm single. But she doesn't want me dating or anything like that. Says I need time to heal. But she says "your a handome man and I know many women that would find you attractive. She said the most attractive thing about me is that I was a faithful husband. And I was and am. She also advised, just like you folks, to keep myself busy. I'm trying but as I drove home a song came on the radio, I don't know the name but it was "just one more day with you." I cried. I couldn't help it. I'm lost tonight, been knocked down, but I will get up for me and my children.

Hi hopeful,

I'm sorry you are down.I was there too in a bad way a few nights ago but I am better.You will be too.Believe it.Ride it out is all I can say.That is the best you can do.I keep thanking God that I didn't go out and get hooked on drugs or alcohol to numb my pain so what was the alternative? Survivor(of pain!)

It's tough.I kept thinking,am I really enduring all this pain? It's seems so monumental at times.But I am doing it,one day at a time.I get out of bed for my kids too now,they keep me going.

Also,I don't listen to the radio much right now.I did however get a bunch of The WHO CD's and others and blast them when I'm in the car.You know,songs NOT about romance or infidelity.Or classical music.Maybe try that for a change.

I hope you have a good night. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

O