I spoke to my W last night, she is gone visiting a friend for the week. She is so cold, unrepentant, rebelling against God and has a cold heart over her 2 A's in the last 3 months.

I point blank asked her if she wanted to be married to me and that if she didn't we should just go start the paper work.

She said this is what she wants, but I know she knows what the Lord wants her to do but she is going in a total 180 degree path.

I think this is more of a sprirtual issue for her and not fog but mabey it is fog.

You have to understand the detail of her sleeping with these two men are non emotional, no love for them except after her weight loss surgery pure wanting to know if any other man desires her. This could have happened with any man who would have her.

She gets back Sunday, I am afraid of the boys safety. She is off her Paxil. All of her family knows and her syblings are in total shock and are scheduled to arrive on Oct. 7. I am almost wondering if there can me a mini intervention.

I am totally willing to work on the marriage and take her back. I still in the midst love her unconditionally and can forgive her if she would just humble herself and repent and ask for forgiveness.

This is so sad, all she is thinking about is her. She told me last night that she has not even thought of the boys, 5yr and 3yr. She does not realize the ramifications that will occur with her proceeding with a divorce.

Does anyone have insight or discernment into this situation.

Thanks

My original Story.

My W and I have been married 10 years. We met at a bible college. Wife grew up in alcoholic home, Her F had intervention when she was S in Highschool. She always struggled with her weight. Has struggled with rejection/abandonment issues. Discovered purging at the age of 16 and I found out she has been doing it ever since on average 2 times a month. 1.5 yrs ago I supported her with weightloss surgery. She is at her goal weight and lost 135lbs. DDay #1 was June 23 found out she had been with a guy on 4 different occasions. 1st two times oral sex, 3rd time she intended to go all the way but had couple glasses of wine and guy did not want to take advantage of the situation. This was at the house. 4 time their was brief intercourse because he lost it very quick and she did not feel anything. Started MC right away. I gradually got the details over the next 4-5 weeks. She met him at a halloween party last year, she had too much to drink he kept her from falling and she remembered that kindness and finally got the nerve to leave a note on his truck across the street. He is friends with our neighbors. She did not protect her thought life. I thought things were progressing and I took two weeks off work to go up to the NW and heal some more with my Christian friend and family. When I came back I discovered by cell phone bill that she had been with a different man from your flight school class. She is studying to get her private piolets liscence. I did find out that this man did ask if he could kiss her after her second to last class. All I know is that she had been with him in early August sexually and while I was up in the NW trying to heal she saw him again sexually. I committed in our MC session that I would not ask for details of the second man and she promised to have no further contact with any man outside of our marriage. Our church pastor is involved, MC. Most of my family knows only her parents and one sibling know. This too has been a source of anger on her part that people know. MC said to limit those who know but I can honestly say that those who know are people who care for us and are praying for my W and our marriage. I feel that she is responding out of great anger even in these affairs. She tells me it is not about the sex or anything. Yesterday she said she is mad at God, at me and at herself in that order. She says that she has felt traped in our marriage and that she does not love me or ever did. I have gone through all the emotions but have not LB. I have read Dobson's book on Love must be tough, Every mans marriage, Every mans battles, every womans battles. It is one day at a time. We are under one roof with two boys 5 and 3. What hurts the most for a Christian woman like her is that there is no remorse or repentance. This is very hard. She knows I am going through my struggles but she will never know the pain and tearing I am going through. I am able to forgive her. The Lord has done a tremendous work in my life as a result. I want our marriage to be better than ever, I just hope she can come around and reconnect with the Lord and receive the gift of repentance. Maybe she is in what you would call a semi fog. We have still been intimate and it has been hyper ever since the first dday. I am realizing that I need to give her space and take care of myself and the boys. Can any one comment.

KB have you read Surviving an Affair or His Needs Her Needs? You need to order them both if you haven't. 2nd Make sure that you read everything that you can on this website starting with the section on affairs. You need to stay in Plan A right now. Check out the link in my signature for some Plan A inspiration.

These A's are all the same. WS always say the same things "I never loved you" "Our whole marriage was a mistake" " I have felt trapped for years" blah blah blah... Don't try to understand this crap. They are foggy brained aliens and we must ignore their comments for now. Just be sweet and loving and arm yourself with knowledge. Knowledge is power and you need to "lock and load!"

After you have studied this material I would recommend some counseling with the Harley's over the phone. You can get that set up through this site. They are really good at this stuff. Make sure you are taking care of yourself and keep posting here when you need to vent.

C.

<small>[ September 24, 2004, 11:59 AM: Message edited by: shmaley ]</small>

This is interesting to me. I had weightloss surgery in 2001. I also lost about 130 lbs. Why did your W not want to give you her gift of higher sex drive and feeling more attractive? I've learned that many people subsutitute the food addiction with a different addiction. Has she considered counseling?

Hi kbatcher,

Well,despite your WW's affairs,it sounds to me like she is having a massive internal struggle with her self esteem,self worth and issues revolving around her family.All of which have presented in these behaviors she is now exhibiting.She has put herself at great risk from STD's,depression and alcohol induced problems.I find it very worrisome that your WW is trying to obtain a pilots license when she clearly has issues with alcohol.

I think that until your WW is willing to seek out some serious professional counseling she is on that slippery slope and heading for bottom fast.You and the marriage are just blocks in her path right now so she will use that as an excuse for her poor choices.

Unfortunately,sometimes these people need to hit bottom before they can climb back up and you may just have to witness that but be there for her when she needs you.I did so with my mom who,many years ago,was a an acoholic.I did the tough love scene with her and it was enough for her to pull herself out of the tailspin she was in.Now,she is the most beautiful woman I know with a heart of gold,so close to God and so close to me.Truly a miracle of change.

If I were you,I would Plan A for now,take care of yourself and the kids,suggest counseling for your WW if not with you than for herself.You can explain that you love her and are concerned about her health,or what ever you want to say.Don't come across as judgmental or pressure her but she definitely needs a gentle push in the direction of professional help.Especially if she has taken herself off Paxil without a doctors' recommendation.Not good.

As suggested,get the books HNHN(His Needs,Her Needs) and SAA(Surviving an Affair).Get into counseling either with WW or alone.And remember,the stronger the denial,the worse the pain.Your WW is probably deeply hurt by what is going on and may not know how to get out so she is angry at everyone instead of taking a cold hard look at herself.She may not like what she sees if she does.I know you are hurting too as are your children but the best defense in dealing with an A right now is Dr.Harley's plan.Do what you can but don't expect to be able to fix all this at once or soon.Your's is a complex,emotional situation and that will take time to deal with.Be easy on yourself.

O

Shmaley-

Yes, I have read both of those books. I have been doing plan A for 3 months now and I am able to do it without LB. I am taking care of myself.

We are both in MC once a week with a very good counselor and supported through the church meeting with another couple who have gone through this as well.

C-dub

My wife read in a previous journal that if she ever got skinny that she would not let me have her anymore. So sad. She is just looking for validation from any other many than just her H. I have been reading that what I am going through is quite common after weight loss surgery. She may need some more specific counseling in this area.

Octobergirl- I think you have hit it right on the head. We may have to go to ground zero before any of this gets better. Thanks O, it mean a lot.

Thanks to all of you. I will hang in there for her. She is worth it!