FL, I believe in the power of prayer, and I believe that God will talk to us and guide us to what He wants.

Perhaps that is why you are posting here...

If God is telling you to confess, and you choose to tell God that you know what is best for you, you will suffer. Not that God is vengeful, He is just.

If you are a prayerful person, as you mentioned you are, I would pray for guidance and strength to do what is right.

Let go of the responsibility, turn it over to God. He is much better at handling it then you are...

FL,,,

Is this something he has asked you about in the past and you lied to him?

Is it something he is just in the dark about and you feel he has a right to know.

I know I still wait for honesty from my wife.

It has to come from her willing to confess,,, not from my threats or pressure. I want a genuine confession initiated by my wife.

BY being honest with him I know you are only thinking about the pain it will inflict.

The ironic thing is that with more and more of your honesty,, even if it is painful,, you restore a certain amount of trust to the Marriage.

Its not really what you have to confess that matters,, it is how you confess.

We BS may get hurt by a WW's confession, but we calm down and we also reflect on your feelings as well. Honesty is such an important factor in restoring trust.
I wish my wife felt as you do. I wish I could hear her say as you have said. It eats at you to withold the truth from the man you love.

While your confession may in fact hurt him,, he will reflect on why you confessed. Tell him why!

Sit him down and explain how you feel,,,,, you are hurting ,it is hindering your recovery.

You love him enough to understand he,, as the man you love deserves to know.

Shirley Glass and I both agree that honesty can be painful but it is so so necessary to unturn every stone, leave nothing to chance.

To Most BS'S a confession is a sign of true commitment. Why wouldnt it? There are so many lies in an Affair. After the affair is over it is time for total honesty. With every word of honesty you spill you restore a portion of the trust that was lost in the Marriage.

I love the truth,,, it is so powerful and so necessary during the healing process.

Hurt him. Yes I am saying it. HURT HIM!

You have to hurt him to help him. Cry with him hold him,, this has to come out, and will strenghthen the bond between the two of you.

Have you ever heard that a broken bone heals back twice as strong,,, the same principle applies hear. Do not let him discover anything else and be blind sided. Let him hear it from you and let him know it is because you want him to know.

Be strong I know this is hard. Its in you to do what you know should be done. I hope you choose to do it.

Prayers to you and your H, FL...

Well, coming from the BS perspective....

For me, the worst part, the most painful part, was how much my WH could continue lying to me, even after I told him that I needed the truth, that being lied to was in some ways worse than the cheating. I told him, flat out, several times that if he had anything else to tell me, he should do it right then. That finding out later, and finding out he had continued to hide things from me and lie to me, whether actively lying or just through omission, would be far worse than just finding it all out up front.

He didn't listen to me. And everything he had been hiding eventually came out. It was obvious to me that he wasn't being completely honest, and it was amazing how circumstances worked to reveal things he thought he could continue to hide.

And in the end, I think that's what ended our marriage more than anything else. Because after hearing so many times that "honest, that's it, you know everything now, there's nothing left to tell....," and finding out each time there was PLENTY left to tell, I realized I would never be able to trust him again. And that means on ANYTHING - after doing that so many times, I knew that I would always be suspicious if he were a little late coming home from work, or if he had to go on a business trip again (he used that as an excuse to be with her a LOT!)

What I'm saying is this - every time I found out something new, and found it out some way other than him telling me, my ability to get past it all crumbled a little bit more. Eventually, there was just nothing left to build new trust on. He'd proven to me that he could successfully lie and deceive me, even after I was suspicious, and so I knew that I would always question everything he said or did from then on. And that's no way to live.

There's no way I can say we would have definitely recovered if he had been more honest - but I know the road to recovery was completely shut down by his inability to quit lying.

One last thing - I know you think you are continuing to hide things because you don't want to cause him more pain. But finding out my WH had done something AND continued to lie about it even when confronted hurt far worse than if he had just told me about it himself in the first place. I would contend that the reason you don't want to tell has far more to do with the pain it will cause you than the pain it will cause him. You already know that the secrets are going to hurt him sooner or later - and later is worse, especially when compounded by lies.

I respect your wishes not to divulge these sins to us or to your H, but I'm truly concerned for you about about what these sins you keep referring to are doing to you right now. But whatever they are, always remember that your children and your H love you very much no matter what you did and the last thing they would want is to see you self destruct. Please FL for their sakes as well as yours, get some help ASAP.

thanks to all those that have said prayers and offered support and love. it was the same type of prayer on wed, asking God to guide me, releasing the responsibility to Him, that helped me feel more at peace. i believed He would help me and my H thru this.

but then i start thinking of how much this will hurt him and my stomach gets sick and my head hurts and i just cannot comprehend how i could of ever done what i have done and how i can ask for forgiveness from H.

soulloss, i am comfortable posting here but thanks for the offer.

eric, i was thinking of you today, wondering how it was going for you and Autumn. i do VERY much want there to be no lies between us. i don't know if that will be enough comfort for my H to bear the pain of finding out. even if this meant he wanted to divorce, i could accept his decision, i just don't want him to be in pain any worse than he already is.

but i also cannot live with myself the way things are now. he has a right to know. i don't know if he would ever find out by himself or not. but that is NOT the point. i don't want to leave him where he is in now, at risk of discovery on his own and in the dark.

and how do i recover from all this? i hurt so much too. i've been getting better and better at being strong for him and it has made a difference. right now i feel like i will break into a million pieces and never get back together.

i don't know the best way. i will continue to repeat the same prayer over and over to God, that he guide me and give me and H the strength we need. i will stay open to His guidance. It is all i can do now.

H will be as blindsided by this as he was from my first confession. It is not that he is confronting me and i am lying. It is that I did not tell him everything there was to tell. and back then he did ask me if this was everything and i did lie then when i said that is all there is to know. i wish i would of trusted him then, he told me he wanted to know it all then (you all told me stuff like that too!!).

i am not keeping this in order to spare me pain, no matter what it may sound like. i am concerned about H. i feel strong enough to handle whatever happens. i think that is why i am finally able to look at this clearly now.

BSs, i know you all want the 100% honesty on D-day, but what you have to understand is that as a WS, your W/H may not be strong enough yet to look at the truth themselves let alone confess to you.

i feel strong enough to confess now, but at the same time, i cannot comprehend how he is going to be able to take this news because it is not just about me, but also about a "good" friend of ours who, 1/2 way thru my whole mess discovered what was going on with me and decided to get a piece of action for himself too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> how can H deal with the betrayal i have laid on him and now on top of that deal with the betrayal from a friend????

FL,

I think you should pray on this for awhile longer, and talk to your IC some more about this. Perhaps he/she can help you decide on a strategy to disclose this to your H, perhaps even with IC present.

But, take your time with this OK. I know you will do the right thing, but sometimes it is not easy to see HOW to do the right thing.

If you do want to discuss this at all with me and you probably don't you can email me at . I will leave this address up for awhile and then remove it.

But, do take your time OK?

God Bless,

JL

<small>[ September 24, 2004, 03:17 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

Hi FL,

I just wanted to add that if there was ever a place to use a sounding board as to what you should do then we are it.Share with us and let us help you determine if the information you have is absolutely necessary for your WH to have.Now,as you know we are not professionals,but we are BS's and can at least make an educated guess as to how the information might be relayed to your WH and if it should be.

I generally agree with the idea that you need to be open and honest about everything with your spouse.But,where Infidelity is involved and at a certain point in time,what becomes necessary and what is just a brain dump on your spouse? My counselor used to tell me that information can be considered constructive or deconstructive to recovery and I believe him for the most part.

The point is,you nor your WH knows if this piece of information you harbor is going to reveal any new information that will bring about healing or just cause more pain for no one's sake.For example,if I were in recovery with my WH and he was holding back the fact that he had sex a certain way with the homewrecker like he had with me that was "special",well,that to me is just plain hurtful and un-necessary information to explain to me.

At some point,the numerous painful facts that go along with adultery have to be overcome with positive recovery information and goals.Essentially,you could go on eternally with tidbits of pain from what transpired but is that ultimately going to help you and your H recover? I admit it's a fine line but that is why I suggest you consult us and let us be the "judge" if you will.

O

<small>[ September 24, 2004, 02:46 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

jl, thank you for the address. how can my H possible deal with this info??

i'm totally falling apart right now. i'm praying no one walks into my office. i am trying to get myself back together enough to get to my car, but at the same time i don't want to drive.

how could i have done this?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FinallyLearning:
i feel strong enough to confess now, but at the same time, i cannot comprehend how he is going to be able to take this news because it is not just about me, but also about a "good" friend of ours who, 1/2 way thru my whole mess discovered what was going on with me and decided to get a piece of action for himself too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> how can H deal with the betrayal i have laid on him and now on top of that deal with the betrayal from a friend????</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FL you have faced the music before and shown that you are a person worthy of her H's love, now he MUST know that this 'friend' is no friend at all. Unlike you, this 'friend' has not done the honorable thing in telling him how he betrayed him and showed his remorse to him. Your H will be hurt by this revelation, no doubt about that, but there is also the chance that by confronting this 'friend' with the truth, it will also give this guy the opportunity to show his remorse to your H. If this happens then your H's pain may be minimized.

FL,

I don't know what you are talking about obviously, but your H is stronger than you think, and you have done a lot to rebuild this marriage. Your bank account may well be higher with him than you think.

Just sit down and agree to take time to pray on this for say a week. See your IC, and talk about strategies and such. Don't try to solve this right NOW. OK?

God Bless,

JL

PS: I will take off the address now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FinallyLearning:
<strong> jl, thank you for the address. how can my H possible deal with this info??

i'm totally falling apart right now. i'm praying no one walks into my office. i am trying to get myself back together enough to get to my car, but at the same time i don't want to drive.

how could i have done this? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FL- I'm seriously concerned about you. Take some deep breaths- and postpone driving until you are a bit calmer. Driving in the state you are in is dangerous.

Listen to me- I know somewhat how you feel. I know that the *ugliness* of the past- the deceit, the lies, the pain- can build up in your soul to the point where you can hardly bear it-and ALL you want is for things to be washed away- clean and innocent. You WILL get to that point. You WILL. This is the hard time- but it will pass.
Is there a chance that you can get in for an emergency meeting with your IC to figure out a plan of action?

Holding you close in thought and prayer.

FL, thinking of you and hoping you can hold it together. Don't drive if you can't drive.

Have your feelings of guilt over this grown as your M has recovered? In a way, that suggests that you are approaching another milestone in your recovery. It's as if you've been stuffing this part of things, and your healing has progressed to the point where it doesn't want to be stuffed any longer.

GC

JL, you must of missed reading one of my posts.

they are golfing together right now. i asked this guy to back away from my family. i told him he could not be our friend anymore. he told me that he is now working on his marriage and that he and i could actually be useful to each other, bounce ideas off of. i told him that my H was the ONLY person that i wanted to discuss things with. i told him, this experience has changed me very dramatically. he says he values my H's friendship too much and he is sure my H values his too. i said, you cannot be our friend anymore because of what we did.

i thought he was going to cancel out of golf today but he did not.

this guy also does not want his W to know anything. i discovered later, he has cheated on his W before too.

I'm a BS. My wife left for a period of 3 months. I have no idea what went on. I keep waiting for her to drop a new bomb on me...thinking "he's strong enough now" , you know what, it's bulls***. It is really you feel secure enough now, that you've got your spot back in the relationship that you can tell him this and not be afraid of him leaving. I know lot's of people say they are doing it to protect the BS, but, no...it's self-preservation. You are not at peace on this, you obviously haven't experienced God's forgiveness on the issue, it's tormenting you, and that is not forgiveness.

I can tell you this, I would rather have my wife tell me now, in private, between us, then to have it come to me in a year or two, when the pain has subsided. If it were to come out then, I would probably divorice, just on my own self-preservation. I suspect her infidelities cross over more than one man, but all she is admitting to is one man...so, when/if that day comes, I don't think she knows what will happen from my side.

You should tell him. A couple of reasons... is this man still his friend? Is there contact? How do you trust this man with your husband, knowing his actions with you? This list goes forever, and I'm at work...you KNOW it's time, God has shown you this...step up, and risk trusting God and your husband. Your husband deserves it, he trusted you all this time during recovery didn't he? See how tough it is, trusting when you fear the result the most?

Hang in there.

FL,

If what TMCM quoted you as saying did happen then I agree that that information should be told.But,in a safe and secure environment with a counselor IMO.

Please get a friend to help you home.Its not safe to drive when you are so upset.

O

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">:
[QB] [QUOTE]Originally posted by FinallyLearning:
i feel strong enough to confess now, but at the same time, i cannot comprehend how he is going to be able to take this news because it is not just about me, but also about a "good" friend of ours who, 1/2 way thru my whole mess discovered what was going on with me and decided to get a piece of action for himself too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> how can H deal with the betrayal i have laid on him and now on top of that deal with the betrayal from a friend????</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FL- not sure how I missed this before. Listen to me...I had TWO A's- BOTH with "friends" of ours. (oh my...that is hard to write.) Both were over before I confessed (DDAY).

It was NOT fun for either of us. The continuing lying by ommission would have been worse though- for both of us.

Talk to your IC...sending you hugs.

FL,

I don't know what you are talking about obviously, but your H is stronger than you think, and you have done a lot to rebuild this marriage. Your bank account may well be higher with him than you think.

Just sit down and agree to take time to pray on this for say a week. See your IC, and talk about strategies and such. Don't try to solve this right NOW. OK?

God Bless,

JL

PS: I will take off the address now let me know if you do send email because I don't check that address nearly as often as here.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Have your feelings of guilt over this grown as your M has recovered? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">yes. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> In a way, that suggests that you are approaching another milestone in your recovery.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">good for me, huh?? NOT. i now have to break his heart worse than i did the first time.

i do agree with those of you that are telling me to take some deep breaths and calm down. i need to be going soon, kids will be home shortly, school is letting out, mom has to be there, remember, dad is golfing right now.

i know i am not good at driving while stressed out this bad. and considering we just got a new van!!! i better not do to it what i did to the last one when i drove while stressed out and crashed for no apparant reason.

i am typing this slowly, trying to take deep breaths.

i do thank all of those that have posted to me today. i think i have to stuff it back in right now. because i cannot solve anything right here and now. i have to be strong. i have to have faith. i'm going to take off but i will check in briefly when i get home and let you know i'm there. then i'll be back on monday, i suppose...

never in my life did i think i would make such a mess of things <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />