From a BS who had 2 d-days...((hugs)). In the middle of his A (d-day was at the beginning of the A, FWS didn't try to hide it), FWS told me he had had an A while we were engaged.

Yes, your H will be hurt...terribly hurt. It will feel like d-day all over again. It will bring up even more questions.

But I wondered why FWS told me. It really was looking like we'd separate at the very least since he hadn't ended the first A I knew about. I realized, though, that FWS told me because if we had any *hope* for recovery, I had to know the whole truth.

Sometimes I wonder if I would have been happier not knowing, but I know FWS did this for *us*.

You will be surprised how much we BS' can take. It won't be easy. It will not, but I believe your BS will see the hurt and pain you have caused yourself. Sometimes I think a WS' hell is worse than the BS'. Take care.

JL, thanks again. i'm not sure why you keep saying you don't know what i am talking about...

give me a break here, i've had to type it once and then 2 people have quoted it already!!! yes that is me actually trying to laugh.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> BSs, i know you all want the 100% honesty on D-day, but what you have to understand is that as a WS, your W/H may not be strong enough yet to look at the truth themselves let alone confess to you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is so true, FL, and a wonderfully eloquent way of putting it. When you do find the right time, I think you should tell your H what you wrote above. Until now, you weren't strong enough to see the truth.

I used to pray so hard to God, not to bring my H home, but to let the Holy Spirit communicate His will to me, and to give me the strength to hear that will - through the noise of my human brain.

I asked the Holy Spirit to work His will in me while I was conscious, unconscious (sleeping), and in my subconscious. Whenever I felt as you are describing now, overwhelmed with emotions and feelings, I would pray for God to hold me in the palm of His hand, for Christ to hold me in his arms, and for God to please carry me at that time that I was too weak to walk on my own.

FL, I am praying for you right now. Something is working inside of you right now. Take your time, as JL said. God will guide you in His way. Give your problems to him, and do not take them back from him. He will deal with them in His way, His time. Have faith in Him.

Love, Amy

FL,,,,

Thanks for asking about me and Autumn,, right now I am froze,,, My head is filled with to many unanswered questions. I am just kinda numb today.

Let me reply a little to Octobers post,,,,
She is correct in saying that some counselors support the (what he does not know will not hurt him) but this is not the case for most marriages,, during a survey 82% of betrayed spouses that got full disclosure from WS went on to have a healthier and happier Marriage. Excerpt.. from the book Not just Friends.

October is also right by saying people react differently to pain. Your husband may consider your confession a deal breaker.... but this I promise,,, He will only know because you told him. Every time someone asks "How did you find out" He will reflect on your confession,,,, He will probably ask himself,,, "Why did she tell me this" The only answer is because you wanted him to know the full truth.

Also like you said this is not just about his reactions. This is about you and how it hurts you to leave your husband in the Dark.

All of your statements sugest that you want to tell him,, that you have to tell him, not just for him but for you as well.

I think you have decided to tell him allready. You are now preparing yourself for the result of your confession.

Will it hurt him,,,, you allready know it will.
Will he leave you,,,, you expect that he will.
Can you be happy by concealing your confession,, your statements indicate that you are not.

It is a decision,,,, a decision that will have consequences if you confess,,, but it also has consequences ,,as you are now feeling them,,, if you do not confess.

Let me relate just for a sec.
MY wife answered all of my questions about her first affair,, it took her some time but she knew it was smothering our recovery.
When she confessed,,,, it hurt me very much. I became nautious and sick feeling,, I cried like a baby. When the storm settled I began to feel relieved by her confession. It was the truth and I knew it because she sat me down and did not have to hurt me, but it ate at her. She had lied long enough it was time for her husband to hear the truth. It takes alot of love and dedication to confess to the person you have hurt. If your husband is anything like me he will realize this and in a sence come to respect you for it.
I still think about the courage and dedication it took for my wife to hurt me with her confession.
It is one of the main reasons I was able to hold on. IT SHOWED SHE LOVED ME,, IT WAS HONESTY!

HI FL,
So did this 'Family Friend' blackmail you into a PA, by saying he would tell your H about your A? And this guy is playing golf with your H right now??

I'd be furiuos, if I were your H. That would bother me more than the original A. Not so much at you, but at my 'so called friend' for basically raping my W. And that I'd been played so long by both of you.

Or, did you think, 'in for a penny...' and volunteer for this 2nd A? I think it would make a differnce to your H. Were you forced?

Eitherway, this man is playing your H for a fool. If your H finds out from anyone else, I cant imagine how bad it would be. If you do reveal, I would definitely do it in front of your MC. Please take care of yourself - Dru

<small>[ September 24, 2004, 03:43 PM: Message edited by: Drucilla ]</small>

FL -
You absolutely must tell your H and discuss with him telling the OM W. You must support his decision. Open your self up completely. Answer all questions.

Will it hurt him? Yes, but it will be no where like the hurt that he will feel when this comes back thru some locker room talk. If he finds this our via the grapevine I dare say that your M will be over that day. I know if I found out something like this indirectly, my wife would be on the street that night. If she cames to me and told me the complete truth. If she showed me each day for the rest of our M that I could trust her, then we might have a chance.

You must realize that he can sense that you might not have told the complete truth and there is something wrong. He is acting like there is nothing wrong because he can see how much it hurts for you to talk about the A.

As another poster said, those M where the A is not fully discussed usually don't make it.

made it home ok. i'm really tired though. both kids are playing with friends, H wont be home till after dinner. i'm going to take a bike ride. sounds contraditory since i am tired but i don't want to sleep.

no, the guy did not blackmail me, he used the logic that if i'm going to cheat on H, i should do it with a friend that cared about me instead of some guys from the internet.

and in my screwed up state, that logic actually made sense.

i said this took place 1/2 thru my mess but that is not true, it was more towards the end and it was actually the thing that got me to wake up and stop what i was doing. it still took me a while because i was still very addicted to the main OM.

ok, that's about all i have in me for today. time for me to let my head rest. i'm exahasted but i do feel better. first i confessed to IC, then to you guys, sure seems like i must be practicing for the one that really counts, my H.

God, please forgive me.

BTW!!!

Don't tell husband while on golf course with OM, and has a GOLF DRIVER IN HIS HAND!!! (Or, as a BS, maybe go ahead and call him now...I sickly think your healing process would be sooooo much faster if he were allowed to 'take care of business', and he'd surely get an temporary insantiy plea at the courts!!!)

Hi FL,

I fully appreciate the turmoil you're feeling regarding the sharing of this information with your husband...
as a BS who's had a very similar "revelation"
laid on me, let me assure you that NOT telling will be destructive to both your mental health and to your marital health. IMO, this is not an "IF" question, but a "WHEN" question. Your husband must be told by you.

thanks for that advice Rookkev!!

the bike ride was very helpful. 13 miles to the zoo and back thru forest perserves on a beautiful fall afternoon. my legs are a bit tired now too.

thanks to you all again. i will continue to pray and i will seek guidance from God as to how and when to confess.

Finally learning,

(I'll do my best to be Brief).

I sincerely HOPE that as in your "handle" you ARE FL.

First, Let me tell you what is hindering MY M and its Full Recovery right NOW!

It is my W NOT giving me the facts.... as I asked (sometimes begged) for the TOTAL Truth.

As a BS we just want it ALL out (So that we can begin to Deal with it).
All of this start and stop...bits and pieces.....Always waiting for more, is just TOO Much to handle.

If YOUR situation continues going like this, your H will be right were I am....He will Forgive the infidelity (and all its lies and deceit) ,.....yet he will have a hard time NOT forgiving and getting beyond all these lies, that come After the FACT.

If your intention is to somehow "protect" him, this is the worst possible way to go about it.
Don't sacrifice Long Term pain ....for some false sense of Short Term Gain.

Next, Believe me its Tough Enough to handle this All At Once.
But to KEEP having D-day after D-day... is more then ANYONE should be expected to recover from.

The longer you wait, the MORE Hurt and utterly DEVASTATED your H will be.
Yes, face it....its going to be Awful.....just as my Second major D-day was.

Fortunately, it can be gotten over.

What can't be, is the continued deception or "omissions".
(Although I strongly suspect your H HAS asked something to the effect of "Is this everything??") Correct?

In addition, your harboring this "lie" is like an albatross around your Neck and is greatly affecting your ability to Recover (truly Recover).
If it remains in place it will be a permanent "barrier" between you and your H.

There can be no True "intamacy"...as you always have to be on your guard.

Sadly, some where down the road your own Guilt will compel you to confess (as I do believe you truly ARE Remorseful).

However, if you wait any longer......your H will view this "false Recovery" (and everything you've worked SO HARD for since discovery) as False and a lie.

Do yourself a Huge Favor and don't dig your yourself a deeper hole to get out of.

I'm not going to "bullsh*t" you here. Your H is going to be devastated.
Its going to be ugly.
I know I went into real "shock" at the second D-day. I mean I had chills so badly, I was walking around in a blanket (the whole Nine Yards).

Why?
Because I never saw these admissions from my W coming.
(At least the first time I was pretty sure "something" was going on.....I just didn't know the details).

But I will say for the record, that I MUCH prefer knowing the whole and total Truth, Instead of the "partial" story I had been told for the first 6 months or so.

Give us credit. We are adults.
When can eventually deal with the truth......but don't expect us to deal with continued lies and never ending deception.

NO matter how bad this makes you look, when you do tell him.......PLEASE just get it ALL out on the table.
For His sake as well as YOURS.
Its the ONLY way this is EVER going to work out.

Lastly, please remember that someone else in your close circle knows the Truth too.
What happens when a year from now this man finds Christ and confesses ALL to your H.
(Sound far fetched?....then you haven't been reading much here have you?.....cause the one thing I've learned here is NOTHING is Unbelievable).
Truth is stranger than fiction!

Finally Learning, There is NEVER going to be a Good time for this.
Sad but true.
But the longer you wait.....the worse its going to get.
Bite the Bullet and DO What MUST Be Done.
Sadly, its the ONLY way out of this for you.

Just be ready to be totally open and give him your reasons for hiding this.
He won't like it at all, but if you approach it correctly, it can work out for you Both.

(And YES, this means NC with this so-called "friend"). Sorry, but it is another consequence of your actions.

However, Then your True Healing can begin. Both for yourself and your M.

(I'll say a prayer for your deliberation, as well as "HIS" intervention in your confession....both on your conviction to do so, as well as your H's ability to understand [your reasons] & then to forgive).

Wishing you both success and strength (as well as His *Peace*). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
We are with you in spirit!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

Hey top rope...I'm glad there's someone that can be "briefer" than I can!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

FL! You still need to be taking these deep breaths. Slow, deep breaths. I can see where you are coming from, now. You have such passion in your posts! You are so passionate about situations such as yours. You give "advice" from the depths of your heart. When in fact, this is probably advice you are really just giving yourself. It's OK to listen to yourself and not beat yourself up. (And, boy oh boy, coming from me!!!) You made (past tense) those mistakes. OK. You've repented. You've been through the "whacking yourself with 2X4's" stage. You deserve to see you H's love for you. Truthfully, for what it is.

It's OK. No, we're not the ones you need to hear that from. I know. But, you will never hear those words, truthfully, if you keep this festering inside yourself.

I agree. Do this in a safe environment. I think RookKev was onto something, when he said there will be lashing out--and it will be directed at the OM, the so-called "friend." Do this with an IC/MC present.

You have already seen what type of predator this OM is. The longer this goes on, the more chance for manipulation he has on your H. And the harder it will make it that much harder on your H, and ultimately you and your M.

No. Don't do it right away. Find your place, JL! ( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) Sriously, I have to agree with what JL has to say. (You're probably right--you are alot better looking than he is! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

No. Really, really. Find your place. Relax. Let this new turn in your R settle down to a manageable state.

I hope all goes well. And if you offer these burdens to God, they will go well.

I (we'll) be looking for your post Monday!

fl

when a mate that close betrays you, for a bloke it will be traumatic and he will feel the very ground has fallen away beneath him.
Additionally he may have also been talking to his mate about your affairs seeking support.

I know that had my wifes OM been in this state I would ahve hunted him down and, well done something I wouldn't have regretted, but my kids would have.
I am sure now my wife waited to tell me until he was well & truly gone.

I caution you to see your IC and perhaps have the IC with you when you do this. Maybe work out a plan of when & how to tell him.

Perhaps ask the IC if its a good idea to tell this [censored] - I mean this in the worst way because hes not a real friend to your h - you are going to tell your H so he can be scarce for a while.

Its just a precaution & may not be an issue, your H may just want to get away from everyone who has betrayed him, he may accept it on the chin, but who knows.

Yes I agree he has to know but it may just be timing. But it has to be soon. We men have a way of suddenly blurting things out at times.

Hi all,

I promised i would continue posting and here i am. morning has been busy but i am just back from lunch and going to take a few minutes here.

i sure was a mess on friday. a final thanks to all who were posting to me then. i have been feeling calmer, i have been praying a lot. every time i start to worry too much or say to myself there is just no way i can do this, i turn back to prayer and remember i'm not in this alone. I have been asking God for guidance and strength, very similar to how we prayed last wed when i first told all this to my IC.

i did talk to the "friend" after H and he were done golfing. i told him he had to back out of our lives, no if ands or buts, this is mandatory, this is part of the consequences of our actions. he agreed to not extend any invites to us and to not accept any from H. He understands more deeply how bad what we did was. at the time, he managed to compartmentalize it all into seperate spaces and he realizes how selfish he acted. he apologized for his role in the situation. i said it was both our doing. he does not want me to confess, he agreed to back off per my request for now, so some healing can occur but he thinks things should go back to "normal" eventually. i said i don't know what the future will hold, i just know i need him to back away because if H knew this he would not want to be friends anymore and i am continueing to betray H by leaving him in the dark. that was about all i could manage to say and the conversation ended.

i feel so horrible about this. someone called this person a preditor, he is not, he is just another person, like so many of us that made a really bad mistake. no, he has not choosen to confess anything, this is true, but he is still not a terrible person either. i've known him for 20 yrs, took graduate classes with him, thats where we met, he became friends with my H right away too (my b/f at the time). in fact i am sure if it was not for their friendship ours would of faded away with graduation. it was their golfing that really kept the contact going until many years go by and a solid friendship is established.

TMCM, you said... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but there is also the chance that by confronting this 'friend' with the truth, it will also give this guy the opportunity to show his remorse to your H.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i know he has great remorse too, even if he is not jumping up and down wanting to confess.

SS, I have been doing exactly as you said...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> to let the Holy Spirit communicate His will to me, and to give me the strength to hear that will - through the noise of my human brain.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">thank you for all your words. i have read them many times.

eric, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It takes alot of love and dedication to confess to the person you have hurt. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">thanks, that is nice to hear because right now, having to look at all i have done, i don't feel like i have much good in me sometimes. i have to keep remembering, that was then, this is now.

so i am still here and i am still praying and i will be talking to IC more about this on wed. i really don't know what is going to happen here but i am trying to listen to God and do His will.

FinallyLearning

I have been reading your story with interest and finally decided to respond. I am a BH who has been in your H's predicament twice now; once 15 years ago and again within the last 6-months; so my story is not speculation but fact. My situation of 15 years ago was over my WW’s decision to lie to me about her sexual history (and also other parts of her life) so that I would agree to marry her. Basically; she was ashamed of her past and thought that I would not marry her if I knew the truth. About 6-months into our M; W’s guilt was eating her alive; (Can you relate?) So she confessed. But she only confessed about 2 men. (Both of whom she remained in personal contact with during this part of our M, saying they were “only friends”.) I was not the jealous type so never gave it a second thought. Then fate (or perhaps God) intervened and more “truths” (guys) began to enter our lives. We would bump into them at a restaurant or the softball field, or a garage sale, etc. WW would talk with each, then immediately follow up with the “only friends” statement. Bottom-line; WW previously had sex with several more men and deceived me about all but 2. The guilt continued working on WW and as she would reveal another “indiscretion”: she would immediately follow it up with; “there are no more. I promise with my entire being; he is the last…” Unfortunately, there were 18 more months of “he is the last, I promise…” With each new revelation; I was once again hit in the stomach with that proverbial sledgehammer and had to relive not only that “truth” but also relive all of those before the newest. (Sometimes emotions can be highly unpleasant by conjuring up similar moments [and feelings] from the past few months!) Finally after nearly 2 years of being married; I realized that all of the “truths” as I call them; had finally been revealed. By then I was very angry, tired, sad, confused; you name it; I was living it.

So here is my point to you in plain English: If you continue making the clear and conscious choice to hide the truth(s) from your H; you will get caught in a position that will be very bad for both you and H. God has a funny way of revealing “truths” no matter how hard you may try to keep them covered up whether by choice or denial. At this point in your relationship; you are not actually “protecting” your husband, you are trying to hide the “truth” and its consequences. I hope & pray that you are not withholding this information for selfish reasons as there is nothing on earth more self-centered than having an affair except for continuously lying about it. By not telling your husband about OM; you are also not allowing him to make his own decisions. You are making them for him. I am not sure that there are any worse things that a wife can do to her H than not allow him to think and react for himself.

My highly experienced position is this: First; write a no holds barred-No Contact letter to the friend/OM. Do not send it yet, but have it available for H to read. Tell your H immediately that you have further revelations to reveal and ask him if he is ready to hear them. When he says yes; be as honest as you have ever been in your life. Answer every single question with undeniable honesty, no matter how awful you may feel about what you’ve done. Do not withhold a single detail if he asks. (This may happen in one sitting or may take months. It doesn’t matter. Just be consistent with the truth.) Once you have done this; H will then be allowed to process and deal with the facts his way. Assure him that this is all there is. (Only if this is true!) Assure him that you are ashamed and sorrowful for your actions and that you wish you could undo them. Then ask him what you can do to be there for him and to make amends. When he answers; take him literally! Keep in mind that he will be highly upset and will probably say things that will hurt you. (That is what he wants to do at that moment.) He will probably cry. Make yourself available to him fully and completely. It is time for you to set your feelings aside and put his feelings first. The longer you wait to do this; the more “used” your H will feel! Time is not on your side; do not waste it. Begin the long journey forward now, together!

Lastly; OM is absolutely a predator! Make no mistake about that! (Look it up in the dictionary). If he did not have a personal agenda; he would have (and should have) recognized that you were vulnerable and advised you and H to work on the issues of your M and stayed away. Again; this is experience talking.

JMHE (Just my Humble Experience)

FR

FL,
Like Fishracer, I have also be following this story with quite a bit of interest. My WxW left me in January. Her move out was my first clue that we had a problem. She claimed there was noone else. At the advice of my attorney I began digging for the truth. Not only did I learn about the current OM but also that he was not the first. WxW continued to deny. Only in depositions in July did she finally admit the first affair happened and that was because she was under oath and new she was caught. She has lied to me about it for eleven years. I am still waiting for the truth, I have questions I want an honest answer to. I doubt that I will ever get that. While her pursuit of her current A is what ended our marriage, it is the first A and her years of lies that wake me up in thje wee hours of the morning with my stomach knotted up. Your husband deserves to know the truth. Anything else is little different than continuing the A. Also I agree with Fishracer that this OM is a predator and I will go one step further and say that defending him just shows that you are still in the fog.

Dear Karen~

You do need to tell him. I do agree with those that said, you need to think it through first.

I know of the torment of which you speak. I'm sure I've told you this before, but my H knows very little of x-om--very little. As in, he's a SG, and that's about it. To this day he doesn't know if it was a ONS or of any length. He absolutely does NOT want any information. He still cringes whenever I bring the subject up, even in the most remote manner. I struggle, because on one hand I feel like I'm holding a lie, but on the other hand I remind myself it's his decision to know NONE of the details. I also know if the time comes he does want the info, I will give him all that he wants.

Okay, so anyway--our situations are different. I want to spill, you seem to want to spill. My H doesn't want me to spill, BUT from what you've said about yours, he DOES want to know. He asked you on D-day if there was anymore. You're only protecting your own hide, and that of this so-called friend, by not telling your H.

BTW--I think you are a very brave woman to share all you've shared with us here.

If you ever want to talk, please feel free to email me: aut_day@yahoo.com (I have a difficult time keeping up with you on here too)

Best regards,
~autumnday

oh autumn, how could i have done this?? i don't know how i'm going to get this out. i've been trying to work it out in my head and all i keep getting back to is i CAN"T tell him this!!!! how can i hurt him this bad? forget about if he forgives me or not, i don't even care about that right now (i am sure i do deep down, but that is not the priority) but how can i tell him this news?

when i confessed it was so hard telling him all that i had to say then, i bearly got that out and i managed only because i wrote it down. telling him i was cheating on him for 2 1/2 years was so horrible i even blocked out the horriblness of the rest of this myself. now i have to tell him the main OM was not actually the only guy?? there were others, each one i only saw once or twice, hated it and would go back to main OM. and then there is the worst part, one of those others was this friend. this is going to kill him.

oh yeah, and lets not forget the fact that i cheated on him very briefly 12 yrs ago, and if we are going to be 100% honest, there was the guy from college while we were engaged....

All I can really say is, I agree that you have to tell him. EVERYTHING.
I know you are worried about his reaction, I can definitely understand your fears.
However, without coming clean about all this, you may not realize it, but you set yourself up for another affair in the future.
People who commit serial adultery have some serious flaws. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to attack you, but you have to face those
issues and start on the path to healing them.
For how long can you look in the mirror, knowing what you know? How far can you get in your own personal recovery while haboring those secrets?

That's just it, you can't. No one can.
Telling the truth WILL set you free. It allows you to give your husband a choice to stay or go, but he will make that choice knowing everything.
It gives YOU a fresh start, to choose the RIGHT path at this new fork in the road. Without the truth, the path is obscured. What looks like the right way, is a deception. It curves around when you aren't looking and takes you back to the other path.

The only way to honor your H is to fix the problems within yourself, so this never happens again.

Hi FL,

I know this is hard for you... please take the advice of some of the others and pray for God's guidance on this... He will show you what you need to do.

It took my W over 10 years to finally "come clean" with everything... Yes you will hurt him again, but in the long run, it will help him tremendously. And IMHO, you and your H won't truly start rebuilding your M until you tell him everything...

For me, not knowing was much worse than actually hearing the "truth".

I'll be praying for you and your H...

Semper Fi,
RIF90