Hey FL! You still taking those slow, deep breaths? Good!

I meant no disrespect to you in my post. This is tough on you. I know. So do many others.

We also know you must be 100% completely honest with your H.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i did talk to the "friend" after H and he were done golfing. i told him he had to back out of our lives, no if ands or buts, this is mandatory, this is part of the consequences of our actions. he agreed to not extend any invites to us and to not accept any from H. He understands more deeply how bad what we did was.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not that you she be at all concerned with him, but, if he *really* understood, he wouldn't be patronizing your husband on the links after sleeping with his "friend's" wife.

I apologize for being so direct, but you need to understand that you should no longer have *ANY* contact with this "man" for the rest of your lives.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> he does not want me to confess, he agreed to back off per my request for now, so some healing can occur but he thinks things should go back to "normal" eventually. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course not! Why would he?

The words that caught my attention, really, are "for now." Are these your words, or his? If they're his, it substantiates what we have all been saying. If they're yours, think hard about your choice of words. What are you holding onto?

There will *never* be "normal" again. Never. You need to accept that. The flip side? If you both are 100% dedicated? It will only be *better*! (The other man's "normal"? Who cares! He wasn't M to you and certainly wasn't a friend either. Your H doesn't need friends like that.)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">someone called this person a preditor, he is not, he is just another person, like so many of us that made a really bad mistake. no, he has not choosen to confess anything, this is true, but he is still not a terrible person either. i've known him for 20 yrs, took graduate classes with him, thats where we met, he became friends with my H right away too (my b/f at the time). in fact i am sure if it was not for their friendship ours would of faded away with graduation. it was their golfing that really kept the contact going until many years go by and a solid friendship is established...i know he has great remorse too, even if he is not jumping up and down wanting to confess.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It was ark and WAT who first posted to me in my first thread, asking me a "simple" question: Do you want to be M or not?

Why, FL, are you trying to "justify" this A and almost defend the OM? You were wrong. I think you know that...and you're repenting--well, in the process of. But part of repenting is being truthful. Saying "I'm sorry" with your heart and soul on a platter. How your H deals with it? Noone can say. But you are not doing anyone (did you hear me? *Anyone*--including yourself <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) any good by holding this in and letting it fester.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">eric, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It takes alot of love and dedication to confess to the person you have hurt. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well said, eric.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i really don't know what is going to happen here but i am trying to listen to God and do His will. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is the beauty--and demise--of being human.

We are all here for you, FL. Use us to vent, listen to, advise, opinionate...whatever.

Keep your head up...and continue to pray. Our timing is different than His.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FinallyLearning:
<strong> oh autumn, how could i have done this?? i don't know how i'm going to get this out. i've been trying to work it out in my head and all i keep getting back to is i CAN"T tell him this!!!! how can i hurt him this bad? forget about if he forgives me or not, i don't even care about that right now (i am sure i do deep down, but that is not the priority) but how can i tell him this news?

when i confessed it was so hard telling him all that i had to say then, i bearly got that out and i managed only because i wrote it down. telling him i was cheating on him for 2 1/2 years was so horrible i even blocked out the horriblness of the rest of this myself. now i have to tell him the main OM was not actually the only guy?? there were others, each one i only saw once or twice, hated it and would go back to main OM. and then there is the worst part, one of those others was this friend. this is going to kill him.

oh yeah, and lets not forget the fact that i cheated on him very briefly 12 yrs ago, and if we are going to be 100% honest, there was the guy from college while we were engaged.... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FL- you are telling us your story in little bits and pieces. I will echo what the others have said-when you tell your H I advise you to tell him the WHOLE truth at once. Having it come out over a long period of time will be much worse for both of you in the long run.

Why don't you start by telling us everything? Have you told your IC the whole story?

Thinking of you.

Hey, FL. Sounds like you are making real progress in IC. It is progress, you know: facing hard truths, looking at things for what they really are, feeling the pain, deciding what's healthy...

You're doing good work.

IMVHO, it makes sense for you to keep doing that work and to keep facing those truths in a safe place. Process the heck out of it. Get an understanding of the dynamics. Maybe the issue of confession is best deferred until that work is done, or at least farther along?

I heard this recently: You can't confess your pain away. Confession won't necessarily fix things. Confession shouldn't be done haphazardly to fulfill some principle or rule. It seems to me that if you decide to give a full accounting to your husband, you should be prepared for a strong reaction, including his intense pain, including the possibility that he will walk away from the marriage. It makes sense to do some of this revealing in the context of marriage counseling. Any chance your husband has softened with respect to this issue?

You have to take care of yourself in order to be in a position to take care of your marriage and your children Becoming a stronger individual and being accountable and trustworthy in the here and now are critical. Don't rule out confession, but don't rush it either. God's time and all that...

Keep doing good work.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> forget about if he forgives me or not, i don't even care about that right now (i am sure i do deep down, but that is not the priority) but how can i tell him this news?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Karen~

With all due respect--If you examine your motives, I suspect you are really more worried he will leave. Didn't he surprise you the first time though? You expected the very worst, and yet he stayed.

I'm quite sure, all these secrets you've been hanging on to, are the blame for the roadblocks in your recovery. They are the roadblocks.

Another thought occured to me, are you worried, (even if in the back of your mind), if H finds out EVERYTHING, you will then be totally accountable, and have nothing to fall back onto? You know, as in no more secret x-om to run to when things get tough? All the cards will finally be out on the table, none in your back pocket?

You really do need to think this through, and figure out the best way to tell him. I think finding out about an anonymous om is one thing, but finding out about a close friend is quite another thing. Please Karen--you don't want him finding out from anyone other than yourself. Just imagine that one?

I hope you're okay today.
~autumnday

<small>[ September 28, 2004, 09:43 AM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

with all due respect to all of you who are questioning my motive and biggest fear, i HAVE looked at it very closely and i AM telling you the truth. i am extremely worried about how hard this will be on him to hear.

am i afraid H will leave? actually no, but i do see it as a possibility. maybe i should be preparing myself more, because maybe that possiblity is more likely than i am able to admit to myself.

how do i feel about this possibility? i would be extremely sad but i would accept it as his rightful choice. I am who i am now. this is me. i want him to know all of me and then have the choice to decide what he wants. to be with the real me or not. if this becomes all too much for him and he decides he needs to split i will be sad but i will still know i did the right thing finally. the facts still remain that i am a very capable woman and i would survive if he left. i am a stronger person than i have ever been in the past due to IC and this forumn.

i know it all has to come out this time. everything. sadfww, you were not here when i first came. at that point i had talked about the A that occured while engaged and then the co-worker A that occured in 1991. The only new information to this forumn (to anyone who knows my story from the start. JL, and maybe Pep? maybe the only ones) is that there were others (7),from the internet, that i met for sex only (3 were me doing oral only) thru out this period of time and then at the end, this family "friend". i was an extremely lost and sick person. yes it is VERY hard to have to admit all this. and yes, IC knows all this now too.

regarding..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> this OM is a predator and I will go one step further and say that defending him just shows that you are still in the fog </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i am NOT defending him. i do not see him as a predator because that label makes it seem like i was therefore a victim. i was NOT a victim here. I agree his behaviour was as far from a true friend's action as it could have been but i do not think it is because he set out to take advantage of me. the word predator makes me think of someone who sets a trap. i cannot say he set a trap that i just fell into, that makes me more of a victim, i was not a victim in this, i am just as much to blame. that is what i was trying to say.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> People who commit serial adultery have some serious flaws. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to attack you, but you have to face those
issues and start on the path to healing them.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i agree with this statement very much. i am extremely grateful to have the IC i have because between her and here i feel like i am finally addressing MY flaws and, although sometimes i have overwhelming feelings of grief/remorse especially knowing i still have more in front of me to have to account to, I also have times where i feel so extremely grateful to God for finding me and finally showing me how to fill that terrible void i have felt all my life. I could never even name that void let alone figure out how to fill it. i always believed in God in theory, but never on a personal level. i wanted to feel it on a personal level but didn't know how. i do now. i truely feel God's love deep down and i trust Him in a way i never knew how to do before. so no matter what happens to my marriage, i know i will be ok.

so now i am done feeling like i have to be defensive here, it will do me no good. i must focus on how to accomplish all i have to accomplish. i need to figure out how to do this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FinallyLearning:
<strong>
i know it all has to come out this time. everything. sadfww, you were not here when i first came. at that point i had talked about the A that occured while engaged and then the co-worker A that occured in 1991. The only new information to this forumn (to anyone who knows my story from the start. JL, and maybe Pep? maybe the only ones) is that there were others (7),from the internet, that i met for sex only (3 were me doing oral only) thru out this period of time and then at the end, this family "friend". i was an extremely lost and sick person. yes it is VERY hard to have to admit all this. and yes, IC knows all this now too.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Karen- please know that I was not judging you in any way (I certainly have no room to judge anyone-nor is it my place!) It's just hard to know the right thing to say without knowing the whole story- and seven additional sexual partners is a fairly significant piece of information.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
<strong>

.so now i am done feeling like i have to be defensive here, it will do me no good. i must focus on how to accomplish all i have to accomplish. i need to figure out how to do this. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You sound so resolute- which is wonderful. You know, working through the guilt and aftermath of my A's really changed me. I sense that you are seeing big changes in yourself right now- and that is just awesome! Keep working with your IC and posting!

i was wrong... one more defensive thing i need to get off my chest...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you will then be totally accountable, and have nothing to fall back onto </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NO, i am NOT afraid of that. i want NOTHING to do with any of these people. I never used to "fall back" to the person from college or the co-worker from 1991. Both of these people are long out of my life.

the guy from college was gone before i got married. i mean he was still at the college until i graduated that next may (this had occured over spring break in march of the same year). he eventually married the woman he started dating when we first went our seperate ways even before i graduated. i was married that sept. they moved out of state, various times i believe, he was in the marines.

the co-worker had himself transferred to a different state within the same company when i told him i did not want to persue a relationship with him. the whole A thing did not progress very far. i was very drunk the night it started, i do not even remember it, he very much took advantage of the situation. in the morning i was shocked but then also overwhelmed with his enthusiasm. i did not know it at the time but he was very fond of me. he immediately jumped to the concept of wanting to each divorce and get married and i knew that was NOT what i wanted. i always liked him as a co-worker. he was a smart/hard working guy, but i never had romantic interests for him. still it took me 3 months to get back on solid grounds and tell him strongly i did not want this. we do not cross paths ever now.

JL, you once told me it was this A that concerned you the most. I didn't think too much of that but i now understand. that was an indication of major trouble. in me and with the marriage. i did try to get into MC back then, H did not want to. I should have persued IC then. I swept it under the table, because i never really meant to have an A back then (yes, i do know how stupid that sounds). besides we got pregnant shortly after that happened. then tragedy struck, she died shortly after a pre-mature birth. that actually brought us closer together, for a while.

i really thought all the bad was behind us back then. i was very wrong.

as for the random internet people, there is no one there i want to fall back on.

the main OM? well i do sometimes struggle with wanting to call him. i hate that i have had days of struggling with NC. right now i cannot imagine i will ever feel that urge again, however i also know i cannot count on that. i know in my head that it has nothing to do with that person but everything to do with me trying to fall back on that addiction. so i have safeguards in place for that now. i have this board and i have a good friend (female) that i can call.

that leaves my H's "friend" i have no fear of falling back to him. doing that, stooping that low, will always be my largest regret in life. one i will not repeat. although i still don't condemn him or call him a predator, i certainly do not see him as a friend. i want to surround myself with people i can count on.

sadfww,

thanks for your post. i know the majority here are not trying to judge me and for any here that are judging me, that will not help me so i try to just over look those posts.

now challanging me to look honestly at myself is another thing. i do believe that is most people's true intention. at least, when i read people's posts, that is what i try to always assume, that this person is challanging me in order for me to learn and grow and that is why i am here. but sometimes my skin gets to thin and i get these defensive feelings. so, i decided i would rather own those feelings and state them upfront. that way they cannot fester inside me and detour me from my path.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FinallyLearning:
<strong> sadfww,
now challanging me to look honestly at myself is another thing. i do believe that is most people's true intention. at least, when i read people's posts, that is what i try to always assume, that this person is challanging me in order for me to learn and grow and that is why i am here. but sometimes my skin gets to thin and i get these defensive feelings. so, i decided i would rather own those feelings and state them upfront. that way they cannot fester inside me and detour me from my path. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that's wise. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have learned a tremendous amount here as well- from being challenged! I expect to learn more as I continue to read here.

Can I ask- are you on anti-d's? Or is that something you feel you don't need?

i started anti-d's about 5 weeks ago. it was VERY hard to have to accept it at first but now that i am on them i am VERY glad i am.

so much is going on at once between IC, being here, reading books, praying and now being on meds, i'm not always sure which of those things i should credit for the changes that are occuring in me, but i do believe the meds have played a role in calming my emotions down enough to be able to make some progress. and having a calmer and stable emotional state of mind has helped H a bunch too. i don't want to be on them forever but i will stay on them for now and i will pay close attention to how i am doing as i get off them.

that is something that did not occur last time i was put on meds. in april 2001, when my dad died, i had a bit of a breakdown. i fell apart at work one day, i was put on medical leave of absense, put on meds, put into a day program for mental health for about 4 weeks to focus on my suicidal thoughts. the crisis, the fact that i was suicidal, was over, but nothing substantial changed for me. by june i was back at work.

i should of been in IC then. instead i saw a Dr for 15 min ever few weeks who didn't really ask me much. i didn't like her at all. once when she visited me at the hospital i confided in her about my cyber habit (that was all it was at the time, i had not met anyone in person, yet), she called me a "floosie". thanks doc. needless to say i clammed up, only said the "right" things after that.

one day i said i wanted to be off the meds and she said ok and that was that. within a month's time i was spiraling back down but this time instead of becoming suicidal i started the A. that was july of 2001.

FL: No judgement here, just want to wish you good luck and prayers to you.

RH

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FinallyLearning:
<strong> i started anti-d's about 5 weeks ago. it was VERY hard to have to accept it at first but now that i am on them i am VERY glad i am.

so much is going on at once between IC, being here, reading books, praying and now being on meds, i'm not always sure which of those things i should credit for the changes that are occuring in me, but i do believe the meds have played a role in calming my emotions down enough to be able to make some progress. and having a calmer and stable emotional state of mind has helped H a bunch too. i don't want to be on them forever but i will stay on them for now and i will pay close attention to how i am doing as i get off them. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good- I'm glad to hear this! I know meds aren't necessary for everyone, but they have (literally) saved my life. I've been on anti-d's since 2000 and never ever intend to go off of them. I feel so *good* (normal) while I'm taking them- and so utterly and horribly anxious and depressed off of them that I will not willingly choose to go off of them anytime in the near future.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
<strong>
i should of been in IC then. instead i saw a Dr for 15 min ever few weeks who didn't really ask me much. i didn't like her at all. once when she visited me at the hospital i confided in her about my cyber habit (that was all it was at the time, i had not met anyone in person, yet), she called me a "floosie". thanks doc. needless to say i clammed up, only said the "right" things after that.

one day i said i wanted to be off the meds and she said ok and that was that. within a month's time i was spiraling back down but this time instead of becoming suicidal i started the A. that was july of 2001. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am utterly appalled. That is MALPRACTICE in my opinion. I'm sorry you had to deal with such a horrible doctor. You should file a complaint. I'm sorry to hear about your dad- losing a parent is so hard. I lost my FIL in 2002 and it was so hard.

Karen~

I'm sorry you felt you had to defend yourself. Now I feel I need to. I was not in any way saying how I see things, are as they are. I don't presume to know what's in your heart and mind, nor what your motives are. I'm merely trying to help you dig at this--figure some things out. I try to put myself in your shoes, (which as I hope you realize, isn't too difficult for me to do).

Also, I wasn't putting you down by asking you if you may want to keep some secrets, in order to keep an x-om to fall back on. Again, just trying to examine things, make some guesses. I've always wondered what it would be like if my H didn't know of my A--if it would leave me with too much of an opportunity to run back to x-om when H & I hit a rough patch. I wasn't asking you anything I haven't asked myself. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. I've said it a million times myself--no two situations are alike.

Best regards,
~autumn

FL,

I'm going to jump in on this, and I want to start right off by saying I am not judging you at all. You have struggled and that is just a fact of your past. However, you are not in the past anymore, and now the question is what to do now...in the present.

I'm answering you because it sounds as if this is not "run of the mill" affair stuff, but rather personality disorder type things...I don't know! I'm not a doc, but what I mean is that there was an underlying reason for all of this stuff that occurred, and now you're in a position that you are not only admitting that you need help, you're seeking the help and DOING something about it!! This is HUGE!!

I'm answering you because my exH was also what I called a serial cheater and maybe a Sex/Love Addict because I had to have some sort of name for this. I am the spouse of a person who had 13 affairs of varying degree: three were long-term, sexual affairs including living with OW; several were ONS or very short-term sexual acting out; a couple were cyber-sex; and a couple more were emailing sexually explicit letters with some emotional attachment.

It's as a spouse of a "more than once or twice" cheater that I want to speak to you today. BTW, once again, I use that term "cheater" not in a judgemental way but more like a factual "it's a name for the thing" way. Anyway, as a spouse, it's really, REALLY hard to have D-day's over and over again. It is HORRIBLE if you discover a D-day on accident (like by opening hotmail and he forgot to sign out, so I can see all his sexual emails). Finding out about it when you weren't expecting it is just THE WORST pain you can imagine, because you're not ready for it. Out of the blue this thing comes and tears your heart and your foundation in life crumbles AGAIN.

Also, as the spouse of a serial, I will tell you what I wanted from my exH. I did not expect him to be perfect. I knew he would struggle and make mistakes and sometimes do a bad job, because that's what people do. I did not expect PERFECTION. I did want him to admit he had a problem and seriously pursue working on it. I did want him to include me in the work he was doing and listen to my point of view, because as his life partner I had a unique perspective. I did want him to protect me from his weaknesses. I wanted him to go to counseling if that was what he needed--in fact, I expected him to go to support groups or classes or read books or whatever if that was what he needed. I hoped he would communicate to me what he needed me to do to be the most helpful to him. I wanted him to be completely honest when he did make a mistake, and give me the opportunity to "step up to the plate" and respond in a loving way...and I wanted to be a safe place for him to be honest (I could also be angry with what he did, but not abusive!). These weren't so much "expectations" as this is what I hoped for from him.

In your instance, FL, I want to make a suggestion to you as a BS of a serial. You ARE accepting responsibility for your issues. You ARE admitting you need help. You ARE seeking the help and of your own volition (not because he's nagging you.) You are DOING SOMETHING versus doing what a lot of serial's do: empty promises. You are off your butt, working hard on fixing yourself and your issues and just getting that all straightened out. HOWEVER even though you have all that going for you, by continuing to not fully disclose, you are effectively saying to your spouse, "I don't believe you are mature enough to handle this" and you are short-changing him. You are not giving your spouse the opportunity to love you fully, or to respond in a healthy, mature way. Effectively, you are denying him the opportunity to make fully-informed decisions about his own life and you are denying him the opportunity to rise to the occasion and be a hero! So, my suggestion to you to gather your courage and tell him tonight. Do not delay. Yes, it will hurt him A LOT--I'm not denying or minimizing that--but it will also mean something to you and to him that you OPENED UP and were completely honest. Give him freedom to grieve and hurt--but also give him freedom to be your safe place!! TONIGHT!!!

Frankly, that always used to piss me off. I could have taken ANYTHING from my exH if he had only been completely honest with me, given me the freedom to be hurt, and then given me the gift of RESPECTING ME enough to trust that I would respond well. Instead, my exH hid and hid and hid and hid things from me, saying that I would yell at him or I would give him guilt or I would yada yada. Geez, I never got the chance to respond well! I never got the chance to be his safe place to fall, because he hid his true self from me. I think I could have loved him and been a good thing in his life if only he had trusted me enough to be honest with me--fully and completely. Yeah, it hurts like hell to hear that your partner had a slip--but it hurts gigantically more to accidentally find it!!!!!!!

Just thought you might appreciate hearing from the spouse of a serial, so you can hear what it's like on our end.


CJ

P.S. I want to really encourage you on something too. I am SO proud of you for taking the steps to care for yourself. That is just SO enormous!

Something that saddens me amongst this, and I think it is something that haunts alot of BS'... is your stance on confessing to your husband, and his response. You state you are fine with his reaction to it all...you know what, you shouldn't be fine with any response except for an initial onslaught of anger and sadness from him. If he tells you it's too much to bear, and he wants to leave, this should devastate you, and crush you, and really screw your life up. A response that says you will be ok with it, to me, says you are holding back from him... it's like you have a safety net (besides God), that you know about to turn to. I know my fww would be just fine if I were to leave, and that sickens me...I even wonder if she would miss or notice my abscence at times. I almost think she would be relieved in a sense because she'd have fresh ground to walk, with no burden along the way.

If you are comfortable with the thought of your husband leaving you, then I say your issue in the marriage recovery may have little to do with this confession, and more to do with you taking the risk of plunging in the rest of the way, instead of just up to the waist! Right now, this confession may have something to do with that, I don't know...but, if you look at any of the BS' who just found out what is happening in their lives, they are devastated at the loss, at the damage, at everything. Very rarely do you see one of them stand up and say, you know what, if the ws leaves, it's ok, I'll do just fine.

Perhaps it's that dependency that gives the ws the comfort to persue that course of action...perhaps the affair trait is as much the pyschology of the bs as it is the ws. I know loyalty isn't an issue for my wife, she knows I'm here, so, maybe that is just toooo damn comfortable for her!

Do you see what I'm saying? I would hope that if your husband says I'm done, it just ravages you. Not in a negative way, but in a way that demonstrates how greatly you depend upon him, and he upon you, for completing each others lives...that it speaks about how greatly intwined your lives are and how difficult it will be to separate them.

Hang in there.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by RookKev:
<strong> Something that saddens me amongst this, and I think it is something that haunts alot of BS'... is your stance on confessing to your husband, and his response. You state you are fine with his reaction to it all...you know what, you shouldn't be fine with any response except for an initial onslaught of anger and sadness from him. If he tells you it's too much to bear, and he wants to leave, this should devastate you, and crush you, and really screw your life up. A response that says you will be ok with it, to me, says you are holding back from him... it's like you have a safety net (besides God), that you know about to turn to.
Perhaps it's that dependency that gives the ws the comfort to persue that course of action...perhaps the affair trait is as much the pyschology of the bs as it is the ws. I know loyalty isn't an issue for my wife, she knows I'm here, so, maybe that is just toooo damn comfortable for her!

Do you see what I'm saying? I would hope that if your husband says I'm done, it just ravages you. Not in a negative way, but in a way that demonstrates how greatly you depend upon him, and he upon you, for completing each others lives...that it speaks about how greatly intwined your lives are and how difficult it will be to separate them.

Hang in there. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not FL obviously- but the way I read what she was saying was more that she understood- and accepted- that that might be his response- but not that she was emotionally fine with it. There is a difference.

FL,

Not much to offer given what has already been said, but I do have a question. Has your IC made a diagnosis of why you did this? Is there a term for it? I ask this because it will help your H to know what is going on.

I also suspect a lot of your emotional issues in recent times were probably do to you suppressing this information from your H and to some extent from yourself.

I think you are doing the right thing by going to the IC. I agree you must tell your H, but I also think you need to lay out ALL of the information.

In my simple mind, when it comes time to tell him, I would start by telling him about the IC and what he/she has discovered in you, discuss your emotional issues as best you understand them, and then tell him the consequence of all of this...the affairs. If you tell him of the affairs first it is unlikely that he will hear the rest and he needs to hear the rest and really he needs to hear it before, he hears what this has led to.

FL, you are in my thoughts as you struggle with this. I wish there was something I could do to help and ease your pain, and that of your H once he finds out. If you think there is,let me know.

I must go.

God Bless,

JL

RookKev,

i wanted to address your post first. you are getting the wrong impression here. When i say i would be fine if he decided to walk away it is not because it would not hurt like h$ll. it would. but i just cannot focus on that now, i cannot expend the energy because that will take away energy needed to keep up my courage and do the right thing. and it would keep me from focusing on his pain. he does have the right to walk away from me RookKev and i have to give him that right. that is the point of all this.

if i start to do anything except beleive that I will be ok no matter what, i may not be able to go thru with this. i have to be the one to keep the faith now and i have to be willing to make any sacrafice including letting him go if that is what he really wants. again don't read that last stmt wrong. i plan to do all in my power to make ammends and let him know how much he means to me and how much i want to spend the rest of my life with him.

does that make any sense?

RookKev,

once last comment...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you taking the risk of plunging in the rest of the way </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">this confession IS a HUGE risk and it is also me plunging in the rest of the way. i am sorry you feel your W would not miss you. i can understand how awful that must feel to think that. i am sure my H knows how glad i am that we are working on our marriage because i have told him this and i have told him how thankful i am that he held on so long and so tight before and then after my confession.

makes perfect sense...

it was as much a general observation as it was pointed in your direction. I just thought it needed a tiny bit of attention. And, like I said, perhaps this last confession is you diving all the way in, I don't know, hehe, I doubt even you do <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ... but, I think its a good step. I think prefacing with what you and your counselor have diagnosed about yourself is a good way to start the convo, I think that was very solid advice.

As for my wife...lol, who the hell knows what she thinks anymore. I just keep doing my duties as a husband and father.