I found Marriage Builders in May. four and a half months after discovery day. On discovery day I was very calm. He confessed when caught, however not the whole truth. I confronted OW. He coughed up the rest of the truth and agreed OW was telling the truth. He said it was over. Second discovery day a few days later OW announced she was pregnant. I was angry with him for having unprotected sex with her and putting me at risk for disease not to mention having to deal with a child. I expressed my anger mostly at her, but some at him for not useing protection and how could he do that to me. After comeing to MD, I tried to swallow my pride and not have as many outburts. I did express anger when he made trip to OW's town to "Put her away so she won't hurt the baby because she was doing drugs". The baby was born on the due date, Sept. 15th so I think that was a lie and an excuse to see her. I told him to leave but he didn't. I also started checking his cell phone calls which I have done over the last three months. I confront him concerning his contact with her over the phone once a month. His excuse, to make sure the baby is alright. Phone calls were every two or three days. I also had talks with him on a couple occasions concerning visitation of OC in OW's house and how I disapprove of that. How I need to be involved in visitation. Those conversations ended as arguments, that that was his kid, or their kid and he would handle it. I also from time to time asked for affection. Sometimes getting it, and sometimes refused it. Other than that I have tried to meet his needs. He uses my previous affair as an excuse for his affair and for the consequences of OC being born. When I try an tell him that I would not have had an affair in the first place if everything was right between us, he says I am justifying my affair. What should I do. If I go to plan B now, I am almost sure to lose him forever.

Your situation is far too complex for this board. You need counseling or coaching to sort through a marriage in this deep of a crisis. Affairs on both sides, other child, visitation issues, OW still in the picture, unrepentant H....adds up to disaster unless some fair agreements can be reached. Please get some help because I don't see this changing unless you guys involve an objective MC. Find a good one.

Hi Starfish,

I wish I could hire Dr Harley. I am fixin to lose my job but could not afford it even then on my income. Husband is going to college. He has not had a job in two years. Anyhow, I got a better job lined up in about three months. I will get counseling as soon as I get the benefits on that job. I am probably gonna be Separated by then because I don't think husband sees how much he is hurting me by his actions.

Genia,

The one thing I do want to tell you is that none of this is because your Plan A wasn't good enough. What you need at this point...is not Plan A...you need a recovery plan that addresses the complexities that will undo this marriage. If you resume Plan A type behavior at all....it would only be so that you could then move to Plan B. There are no safeguards in effect to protect this marriage. As long as you are frightened of losing your husband...it will be very hard for you to do the boundary setting that you must do to SAVE it. So please begin to feel your own spirit so that you can get to a place of strength and resolve. You have taught your husband that he can trample your feelings because your fear is crippling your ability to protect yourself. If you can't afford a counselor....find another empowering support system of some kind. Get control of any lovebusters you may still be having trouble with. Take care of your health.

My prayers are with you!
hugs

Starfish,

Wow you have a lot of wisdom. I think my biggest problem is I went in this marriage lonely and weak in self esteem. I came out of a 10 year relationship, 7 year marriage of nothing but abuse. That marriage was not based on love but fear. I married him as the moral right thing to do because he threatened my life everytime I tried to leave him. I was his sex slave all those years. I came into this new marriage with new hope only to have all my hopes crushed. This man is totally opposite. He has neglected me by not showing me love or affection. So to build my esteem back up will be a very difficult job.

Genia,

Now more than ever I know that a key ingredient of success for you....not just in terms of marriage, but LIFE, is for you to heal from old wounds and take back your own power. No one else can heal you. No one else can give you enough love to make up for the lack of love that you fail to give yourself.

What would it take for you to get to a place where you were at peace with idea that you can survive and find happiness without your husband?

It's okay to want him with every ounce of your being....but if you need him to survive, he will always hold all the power in this relationship instead of the shared power that healthy marriages possess. Can you see that?

Hi Starfish,

I don't know your story but thanks for your insight into my situation. I never went through any process of trying to heal from prior marriage abuse. I was just glad to get out with my life. I now feel robbed of those years as I get older and realize it may be harder to get a good man now with my years against me. I don't feel totally hopeless but this affair has further hurt my self esteem. I will seek IC as soon as possible. I am starting to feel less and less like I need this man as his attitude towards me is getting worse again. He said he was angry with me. I do not know why after he got revenge on me, but maybe he feels justified in his revenge. He said he was angry that I bring up his affair. I only brought it up in as much as concerning his continual contact on a more regular basis than necessary to check on baby during the pregnancy. I have not mentioned OW/OC this week. He has not mentioned it. I don't know till the cell phone bill comes out if he has been in contact with her. Since the baby was just born September 15th, I imagine he is talking to her and that is probably why he has an attitude with me. Maybe he is itching to visit his baby again. He knows better than to ask me for money to take the three hour trip. He was expecting some money and it fell through. He seemed pretty upset about that.

Genia,

My story in a nutshell. Been married 21 years. Survived two infidelities. Found MB three years ago while I was living overseas. It was my lifeline. I used the skills I learned here to save my marriage and we have been in recovery for for a two years. I stuck around to help other people. 10,000+ posts later....I have completed the first part of certification to become a marriage coach for symc. Hoping to get my MSW degree soon as well. I am a physical and sexual abuse survivor and I have lived all over the world. I know about surviving heartbreak....I've had to do it all my life. I'm happy now....and it's a wonderful feeling to be able to help others.

Please take care of yourself. I'm not on this board alot...but if you ever need me....give me a call on the EN board.

Hi Starfish,

Maybe I could hire you when I get enough money unless you think Harley would be better. But I will hardly have any money for at least three months. Do you have to get your license first to counsel somebody.