I checked my e-mail today and saw that I had 7 new messages. For some reason I knew there was an e-mail in there from my H. Sure enough there it was.

Every month I recieve an e-mail from theknot.com saying happy month anniversary. I few days ago I got my 11th month one and for some reason I forwarded it to him. It was mainly about making plans for what you want to do for your first anniversary.

Anyway, he's pretty much ignored any attempt by me to contact him so I wasn't expecting a response. The only thing I've heard from him in almost 2 weeks were those text messages telling me not to worry about him.

Anyway, I don't know if I want to open the e-mail. I'm sure it's just going to say something mean that is going to hurt to read. It always is. I'm afraid it will be something like, I don't consider us to be married so stop sending me this junk and leave me out of your life.

I don't know if I really want to see that. Then again I could be wrong, but I doubt it. What should I do? How am I to hope for reconsiliation if I can't even bring myself to read something he's sent me? I know I shouldn't want to get back with this guy, and I don't even think I want to anymore but he still has this control to pull my strings with every word he says.

Ivory,

My dear, you are thinking about reconciliation when the WS isn't even on the same page as the rest of us. That's like telling someone lying in a hospital bed to go run a marathon.

For now work on you and strengthen yourself so you can handle whatever shtuff, the WS throws your way (good or bad). Anticipation is very stressful.

Open the e-mail when you can but if curiosity gets the better of you. Have someone with you when you open it.

I had to explain to my son about what type of sport fencing is. Not sure if I did a good job but told him it was like a duel with different rule and the swords were bendable. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care,
L.

I'm not really thinking about reconsiliation, but I still have the hope that someday it will happen. Lately I wish that hope would go away to make it easier to move on.

Anyway, I did open the e-mail. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Still, it wasn't very good.

It was actually longer than I expected it to be.

Here it is... I guess to him there's no going back and that he wants to move on without me. At least I know our upcoming anniversary is saddens him. I don't know if that's good or not. At least it means the date holds some significance to him.

"Ok, this is awfully morbid, isn't it? I have been reading the letters you've sent, but I haven't always had time, or health to reply. Things are really busy right now with all the fencing stuff in full swing, and me always behind on them. You send me one message saying you understand that things got too messed up. That message I understood and at least mostly
agreed with portions of it. I'm well aware of the date, and sure, it makes me sad. You've constantly hit me with statements like "you don't understand how much I hurt" "you don't understand how much you hurt me" "trust
broken", etc. Yes, I do, I've said I'm sorry. Please note that I haven't bombarded you with any statements at all concerning my feelings and my emotions. I do have some, contrary to popular belief. I would think you of all people would remember how emotional I am.

To be honest, I don't want to talk about any of this stuff. There's nothing to be gained from it other than to twist the knife in my guts. I know
you hurt too, I haven't forgotten that, but I feel as though my words fall upon deaf ears I've tried explaining many times, remember the driveway? that pretty much summed up the past few years, as far as I'm concerned. I bear
no ill-will, and I'm doing much better with my emotions. I'm just trying to move on, and survive. I will no longer live a life of constant depression, poor self-image, stress, and fear. I'm stopping here because I really
can't get my blood pressure up too high for too long right now, my head and neck is messed up. I've got work to do anyway.
-H"

Hiya, Ivory. There's a good chance that one or two people will come down pretty hard on your husband for what he wrote.

I'm not going to -- because I don't want YOU to. I want you to reach down deep and find some compassion for him.

I bet it's there. And not so far from the surface... and I'd like to ask a few things.

I guess to him there's no going back and that he wants to move on without me.

That's not what he said.

At least I know our upcoming anniversary is saddens him. I don't know if that's good or not. At least it means the date holds some significance to him.

Yes, it's good.

"Ok, this is awfully morbid, isn't it? I have been reading the letters you've sent, but I haven't always had time, or health to reply.

Good sign that -- he's reading. He's still listening, even if he doesn't know what to say.

Things are really busy right now with all the fencing stuff in full swing, and me always behind on them.

Here's a good chance for you to ask an interested question -- "How''s fencing going these days?" or whatever an intelligent question would be.

You send me one message saying you understand that things got too messed up. That message I understood and at least mostly agreed with portions of it.

Well, excellent! He's agreeing with you. How about if you were to answer with, "I'm really glad you understood some of what I said. I really felt like I wasn't getting through."

I'm well aware of the date, and sure, it makes me sad. You've constantly hit me with statements like "you don't understand how much I hurt" "you don't understand how much you hurt me" "trust broken", etc.

Wow, Ivory. Though you don't intend to, I know, you're coming across a bit judgmentally. (That's an LB, you know.) I wouldn't, if I were you, apologize for it all over the place or anything. You've been through a huge stress and a few LBs are not surprising. What I -would-, do, though, is validate how it made him feel -- "Yeah, those must be pretty hard to hear. I know you're sad and upset, too."

Yes, I do, I've said I'm sorry.

Has he? And if he has, I'm pretty sure that you've not done the work necessary to really forgive him, and forgiveness is a tough dance that takes two people to get through it. For right now, you might just want to say, "I know you are, and I know you're having a hard time too."

Please note that I haven't bombarded you with any statements at all concerning my feelings and my emotions. I do have some, contrary to popular belief. I would think you of all people would remember how emotional I am.

Hm. Yes, actually, I bet he's going through an unpleasant version of he11 right now. He's lost his wife, his self-respect, and he's not exacltly going anywhere with his life at the moment. It is, in all likelihood, a very difficult place to be in. What might I say about it? Hm. Tough one.

[To be honest, I don't want to talk about any of this stuff. There's nothing to be gained from it other than to twist the knife in my guts.

Ah ha. Here's what I would say about it... "You know, you're right -- we've talked about this an awful lot and we go in circles a lot. I'm getting my life together in other ways, with the apartment, work, school, and all. Maybe you should come over and have dinner some night."

Note, here: The way to a man's heart is through his stomach and his sex organs. I recommend, for the moment, that you feed him, and NOT sleep with him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I know you hurt too, I haven't forgotten that, but I feel as though my words fall upon deaf ears I've tried explaining many times, remember the driveway? that pretty much summed up the past few years, as far as I'm concerned.

Since I have no idea what he said in the driveway (and what you're remembering is probably not what he's thinking of anyway), I'd just say, "Yeah, you're right, you made your point pretty well that night."

I bear no ill-will, and I'm doing much better with my emotions. I'm just trying to move on, and survive. I will no longer live a life of constant depression, poor self-image, stress, and fear.

Sigh. Poor thing. I really hope he's able to get out of those things... but it strikes me as a bit difficult considering all that he's done. So I would just say, "Sounds like a good plan. Depression stinks."

I'm stopping here because I really can't get my blood pressure up too high for too long right now, my head and neck is messed up. I've got work to do anyway.

And this? "Sorry to hear about your head and neck. What happened? Someting at fencing?"

All the way through this, you're just turning the ship ever so slightly towards him focusing on you as a source of warmth and good stuff, rather than bad feelings and ickiness.

Slow, slow turning, but a bit of one nonetheless.

I totally agree with you J,

I actually sent him back an e-mail with most of what you said in there. I appoligized for telling him those things. Actually, I checked to see what he was refering to. I guess I included it in with an e-mail when I was telling him how I was doing. Since then I've been watching what I tell him. Lately I just haven't tried to really contact him lately. Afterall, I'm not really sure what I want to do anymore.

As for him appoligizing, he's said he made a mistake in relation to what he did with the girl, he did appologize for telling me he didn't find me attractive, and that he didn't mean to hurt me.

In reference to what happened in the driveway, that was about 3 weeks ago. We got in a huge argument where we were yelling at each other. It was the last time that I broke down in front of him. I was sobbing he said I never listen to him. I figure now that he thinks this if I ever try to explain my side of things. Now we can't even talk. It's one thing for me to respond by e-mail but I still get choked up in person when he says things about him moving on.

I'm not good at controlling my emotions. If anyone talks to me in an angry voice I start to cry. I've always been that way, and when it comes from him it's 10 times worse.

As to agreeing to what I said; that was from a letter I sent when I just about gave up completely in which I told him he was right and I can't see how we could ever work things out.

I know he's having a rough time right now. Personally I think he's taking up too many things with "work". The reason being that he's doing all this stuff that he doesn't really want to do that doesn't really have anything to do with his job. He doesn't get paid for it, but it causes him stress because he says he doesn't have time to do it, but he keeps volenteering for it. I wish he would cut back on all the non-nessisary things. As for the reason he can't raise his blood pressure: He was hit really hard in the head during fencing last week and he says he has a slight concussion. I don't doubt that.

He keeps saying now that when he was with me he was depressed, had a bad self image, and all that other stuff. The thing is he never told me about it up front until after he left me. Now I'm going through the same things.

I'm trying my best right now not to upset him with my emotions.

I did ask him to meet me at the bank sometime because we have to close our joint bank account. I know it's not really a happy occasion but I know he won't come over to my place so this at least gives a reason to see each other.

I'm really bad at this MB stuff. I can't stick to any plan. I can't control being emotional. I'm still confused and I'm usually fine when he's not around except at nights and when I have to deal with wedding parties.

Hi ivoryivy,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm really bad at this MB stuff. I can't stick to any plan. I can't control being emotional. I'm still confused and I'm usually fine when he's not around except at nights and when I have to deal with wedding parties.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm right with you on that one. I decide to be calm and not discuss things with H and a few minutes later find myself in tears and huge LB session. I too am very emotional and cry really easily. I think the MB rules are really hard to follow for someone like us. I so lack self control when I'm in pain.

See if these rules help you any:

For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
Hope this is helpful

S