New member, Waking Up, threadjacked on JetGirl's post, so I am pasting the post from Waking Up here in hopes she can get some response for her situation.

~ Snow

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POSTED BY WAKING UP:

Hi,
Please excuse the intrusion. I am new to MB's and I feel like I am reading my own life story on this thread. The advice that has been given to Jetgirl is awesome. My A lasted 6 yrs. H and DS13 and DS11 know of it. It's been rough. What I am having trouble with is the guilt of hurting the OM, breaking promises. OM said I was his life, he divorced his wife and waited 3 more years for me, I could not leave my family. I have become a liar, a cheater and a deceiver. I realize my promises to my family come first. I have no obligation to promises made in sin, yet both OM and I convinced each other we would be together....any thoughts? Thanks

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Waking Up:
<strong> I have no obligation to promises made in sin, yet both OM and I convinced each other we would be together.... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I said it to jetgirl and I'll say it to you as well. Both you and OM are adults and made adult decisions based on selfish needs. Now you bear the adult responsibilities. You are responsible for your pain and consequences for hurting your family and he is responsible for the hurt and pain he caused to his own.

You owe him nothing. You owe your family everything. Keep telling yourself this truth over and over and one day it will make sense in your heart as well as your head.

~ Snow

WU-

I'm glad your here!

First, you're still in the fog. I'm proud that your H knows BUT you will lose him if you don't cut off contact. You know this, you're just dealing with the guilt and fog just thinking about withdrawl. So let's dig into your situation. Tell us more. I want to know how much contact you are having with OM now. HONESTLY. No bull here. I want to know about your contact with OM.

Second, I want to know how your H came to find out. Did you get caught or did you just come forward and tell. What happened.

I'm a FWH so I understand your sick, mixed up guilt. Its really weird how we twist our brains to feel like we need to be honorable and have integrety with the OP in the midst of a dishonest, lying, cheating relationship. Who should we really want to be honorable to? If you're struggling with that it's because you're still in the fog.

Tell us about you...

Welcome to MB...We will care about you and give you the support you need to stand firm and make decisions. BUT, you will need to walk them out.

Keep posting!

2scared

Snowbelle and 2scared
I hate the withdrawal. Been going thru it all weekend just thinking about making the final cut from OM.
Here goes..
Affair has been for 6 years. The past 2 years we discussed him selling or just ending his business, selling his house, moving away from our area, getting a 40 hr wk job with benies and us starting a new life. My H is very controlling and vendictive, so I knew if I wanted a life with OM, he would have to leave and when he was settled, I would leave H, get divorced and eventually join OM.
1/04 H & I seperate, OM still lived in area. One month into seperation, MIL tells H she hears I'm having an A. H goes ballistic, makes threats which he would have followed thru with had he found OM. I tell H it is over with OM to passify and stay out of harms way. This happened on a weekend so on Monday, I go to State Police and report events, so there is a record. I won't go into detail, but things were very ugly and violent over weekend. H moves back into house over weekend, by force, says it's his house and he will not be leaving it. Son's are caught in middle, H very mean and told son's things they should not know.
H & I go to counseling, contact with OM is phone only. So seperation between OM and I is beginning.
Excellent job opportunity arises for OM, he left in June, moved about 120 miles away. OM and I still planned on being together, plans just got moved up with him moving and getting a new job since A was exposed.
Met OM a couple times in 4 months. Fog started to lift due to seperation and lots of prayer. I felt the distance would end the A, but it's the EA I have trouble with. OM expects me to join him Nov 1st since my job will be ending and I've been offered a tranfer to his area.
The more time that goes by, the closer 11/1 gets, I get sicker. I realize what a mess I've made. I really thought I could go thru with the "plan", but now know I cannot. My head knows I can't for reasons that are so obvious!
Current contact with OM is 1, possibly 2 phone calls per day, Monday-Friday. I don't see him. It's like living off a memory. The phone calls are strained, OM putting lots of pressure on me to leave now instead of 11/1. I have feelings for OM, but now know it's not real love. I picture being with him and know that once the few needs he is meeting has been met, the others will be lacking tremendously, not to mention the strain of the boy's reaction to OM. I just don't want to hurt my boys anymore. They are both 4.0 students, very athletic, very well liked by kids and peers...how can I destroy their life?? Why didn't I take this into consideration before the A?? As far as H goes, he says he wants the M to work, but for the life of me, I can't understand why...
I see my job ending as the final cut, there will be no way for OM to call me. My home will be my refuge and I will have the time I need to concentrate on my family and get myself healed as well as them. I have to trust that as I do what I'm supposed to, my love for H will grow...that is a big faith statement because I don't believe it right now. I didn't love him before the A and still don't. But am willing to try, we really have alot to loose if it doesn't work.
Well, there is alot more to this story, I have tried to hit the main points.
The big question still remains, why can't I find the courage to just end it? I lie and deceive just to hang on a little longer for what??

Waking Up-

Your signature line indicates that your H had an affair. Is that correct? When did it happen?
Also, your message seems to insinuate that your H is abusive. Can you tell us more about what is going on with your relationship with him?

Sadfww-
H's affair happened 20 years ago, it was a one time PA, however he was friends with her a few months before the one time happened. We were also seperated at the time, he left me for reasons he can't even explain now. I was devestated, that he left, I loved him very much.
This woman was in and out of our lives for years. I did not get confirmation of this affair until January of this year.
2nd A was about 17 years ago when H left me for the second time, again, I was blown away, no idea anything was wrong. He said he was leaving town, finding another job, I said what about me, is reply was "what about you?" He came back two weeks later like nothing had happened, and I let him, I prayed the whole time he wouldn't find a job and he'd come back and things would be good. What I didn't know is he stayed at this ladies place he had been talking to for a few months. He said he didn't do anything with her, finally told her he was married and she told him to go home. Again,I didn't know of this one until January this year.
He had 21 years of these secrets and decided to tell the truth when I wanted a seperation, before he knew of OM.
To this day, he swears he loves me, can't explain why he did what he did, but changed when we had kids.
He has not be physically abusive to me, but he is very controlling and controls with fear and threats. Thru personal counseling and marriage counseling the past few years, I have learned not to take responsibity for his actions and he doesn't like it one bit. And, he finding out about my A on one had was freeing for me because I didn't have to pretend anymore. His threats to me had no affect on me. Threats like if he does anything to OM, it will be my fault, if we divorce it will be my fault, he will take the kids from me, etc...
On D-day, he ripped phones out of wall, disabled my car, took my purse and money and other things that I won't post here. The only physical violence to me were grabbing my arms and putting me where he wanted me, ie couch, chair, etc.
He has calmed down a bit and knows I will not take anymore threats. That just baffels him, he said I'm worse since he found out about the A. I told him my worst nightmare came true, he told my kids and I have nothing else to loose. I don't care about him.

Affair has been for 6 years. The past 2 years we discussed him selling or just ending his business, selling his house, moving away from our area, getting a 40 hr wk job with benies and us starting a new life.

Translation:

"We were planning on running away from our past mistakes."

My H is very controlling and vendictive,

Do you mean since he learned of the affair he's been this way, or did you knowingly marry a mean and vendictive man?

H very mean and told son's things they should not know.

Like what? Do you mean he told your sons their mother was having an affair?

I just don't want to hurt my boys anymore. They are both 4.0 students, very athletic, very well liked by kids and peers...how can I destroy their life?? Why didn't I take this into consideration before the A?? As far as H goes, he says he wants the M to work, but for the life of me, I can't understand why...

Don't be blind... your H loves you, that's obvious!

Who are you?
What kind of woman do you chose to be?
What do you want your life to look like in 5 years?

Pep

Pepperband,
I married a very jealous and controlling man, but thought I could change him.
He didn't just tell them about the affair, but the where, how, etc...things like, "when you were in school, guess what your mom was doing?" Why tell them that?
Who am I is a very good question...
What kind of woman do I want to be? A Proverbs 31: 10-31 kind of woman..

What kind of woman do I want to be? A Proverbs 31: 10-31 kind of woman..

Are you that woman today?

Pep

Wakingup..

the only way to stop all this chaos in your life...is to stop participating....

regardless of all warm mushy love feelings and the guilt you have over the OM...
he and you right now in your lives create only chaos...
for you ...
but most importantly to your children....

coversations of your love, emotion, and devotion between eachother...solve nothing and create nothing positive in the worlds of your children..

you brought your children in to this world...and life is tough and unfair enough...without the most important adults in theirs lives being the ones bringing the chaos to their lives, their homes, and where they lay their heads at night...

their right to a responsible adult outweighs all other issues....

start your focus there....
not one of you three adults..
you husband or otherman...are acting like they give a rats a@@ about the children...

time for you to choose to behave and act differently for their sake...

ARK

Ark,
You are absolutely right.

Pepperband,
I am not that woman today, but it is my goal.

2scared,
Can I ask you some questions?

Waking up...

How did I miss this? Sorry.

Of course you can ask....

2scared