I haven't posted for awhile but not quite sure how I'm going to make it through this one..XH just called to tell me OW would be at son's game today. I know it's been 2 1/2 years since he left and I should be OK with it. I'm not. I'm totally not.
XH promised me (ok..not a safe person to trust) that she wouldn't come to activities that I'm involved with. Now he says, it is time, she wants to come, thinks she'll be bored to tears and it won't be an issue again..For the first time ever concerning issues with OW and kids, I said OK, thanks for the advance warning and said good bye.
I didn't yell or call back.
I guess if I could get over the feeling that she is better than I am..looks better (I am overweight)..that he prefers her over me type things..it wouldn't be so hard..plus, I don't want to share my kids with another woman. It wasn't what I signed up for. My husband is gone. I've accepted that and am probably better off for it..but I don't want to share my kids and see them smiling with her and all leave together.
I don't think I can do it.
I know I'm supposed to look my best, take someone, smile and be the better person but I don't know if I can pull it off..it's an intimate sports setting...not a baseball game or something. Will I ever not hate her?
Thoughts...I really some good thoughts.
Thanks.

Hi can't sleep!

I'm so sorry to hear about your pain...although my H and I are in recovery, we still have to see OW...even though my situation is different than yours, I thought I'd just offer a virtual hug...it is really hard...really hard...she represents a lot of bad bad memories...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Will I ever not hate her? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess this is what got me writing to you...I wonder the same thing about me...

my thoughts will likely be way too general for you, for what you need today, but here it goes anyhow...

I am working on forgiveness for my sake, because I don't want to harbour hate towards her or anyone...I prepare mentally for these interactions, really work on my willpower...I consciously look right past her, I force myself not to see her...I force myself to concentrate on small immediate things instead (like breathing, like the conversation someone is having with me) -- I FORCE myself to do this...overall, I have increased my physical activity...and I meditate...I read uplifting literature about forgiveness...I study forgiveness and try to implement the suggestions (including all of the above)...not for her but for me...

it seems to be helping...slowly but surely making a difference...

again, our situations are very different but maybe something here will help...I wish there was a magic pill but I've been looking for quite a while now and haven't found it yet!

one last thought for you that I sincerely hope you will take to heart...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I guess if I could get over the feeling that she is better than I am.. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">maybe others will chime in here too... she is not better than you at all ...dig deep into your heart and understand this: you are a beautiful person -- a bad thing happened to you that was not your fault...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but I don't want to share my kids and see them smiling with her and all leave together. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">your kids probably feel very torn...try to understand that if they smile at OW it is because they are trying to find some normalcy in a painful situation...don't read any more into than that...

you are their one and only beloved mom...

take care...I'll be thinking good positive thoughts of you this afternoon... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

awed

P.S. you might want to check over on the Pregnancy board...these folks often have to have ongoing interactions with OW and I found it helpful reading some of their stories...inspirational...it gave me strength when I needed it, to know that others have walked -- and survived! -- that road...and reached a place of healing...

Hi can't sleep,

I can understand what you are feeling.But,don't be too hard on yourself.You know,this OW really has NO business being at your childrens games,birthdays or anything.She is a homewrecker and obviously did not take the right path in life but chose,instead,to be the one to help destroy your marriage and family and now,she wants to be part of the childrens' lives that she so selfishly sought to harm? It's sickening.

Are your WxH and the OW married? If not then that's even more reason to not encourage her presence.It just continues to send a bad message that what they did will be acceptable as long as you all wait it out.I'm sorry but it will never be acceptable.I am one of those that will not find any legitimacy with a marriage born out of the pain and suffering of other's,destruction of a marriage and destruction of family.Even a marriage license will not cover it up.

So,even though these are not good thoughts,I would just suggest that you require the OW to be seated far away from you if she is determined to now start appearing at family events.Also,make sure that your EX knows how you feel about all this.Of course you can always go the path of complete forgiveness,smile and be friendly with this person(puke) but it's entirely up to you to handle it the way that makes you feel the best.Don't let anyone pressure you into a scene you are not comfortable with.

By all means you never have to like this OW and I know I will never but you have the right to set boundaries and limits as to what you feel ok with and what is appropriate.Just be calm and firm in your dealing with the childrens issues.Always think first what is in their best interest,not that of your WxH and least of all the OW.Whatever the kids will be most comfortable with,do.

O

You do this using mind control.

You are there for a reason... to support your child.

So, put your mind 100% on your child...

when your mind wanders toward your insecurities... you redirect your mind BACK to your child, and your love for your child.

That's about it!

I know it is the "simple but hard" thing... but, it is a fact... you are there for your child, not for anyone else, including yourself.

So, focus on your purpose, carry out your purpose as best you can, and do not allow other worries / concerns to drift into your area of focus. Push other thought out.

Yesterday I had a medical procedure done... very unpleasant... and I had to use mind control to get through it.... you can do this.

Push other thoughts away... and focus on your purpose and your goal.

Pep

Hi. Thanks for your responses...I made it although feeling really down..like just handing over my kids and saying, "you win..ow, you will never be out of face and I can't do it anymore. My husband went willing and now my kids.." My kids said hi and then went back and sat with XH and OW. I've gone from a stay at home mom to a nothing mom...I just want to move away from it all.
These are the days where I wonder where God is. I have to go to church tonight for son's confirmation beginning acknowledgment service (actually in 10 minutes) and I just don't feel God anywhere but I'll go. I am sick of doing the right thing, saying the right thing, being the "good parent" and not trashing their father or the OW in front of them..I'm so tired of it all.
My family is really pushing me to date someone here (I have a long distance friendship that has sustained me thus far..no, no affairs on my part)
Like that is the major answer..it'll change the dynamics..I won't care as much about the ow..that I've haven't let go yet of the idea of family with xh (I have let go of him as a husband). Tomorrow is another day...
Thanks again for your responses.

Well, tomorrow is another day is right. Luckily, a friend called and pursuaded me to go for a walk and I'm up and about and joining the world..still close to tears at every junture..but doing it.
Does it every get better...this feeling that I'm losing my children and I'm a parttime mom? If the OW was a drunk or a child molester, I could keep her out of their lives..but I can't say, "I don't trust her and she manipulates them..she will corrupt her" and keep them away from her.
Any advice?

Hi cs,

I'm not sure if this will help but I know that many of us here have to deal with this situation,you're not alone.I don't have to in a sense because the homewrecker lives in Canada,far away from me(thank God) but young kids really just want mom and dad in their lives and to love them.They are too young to truly understand the horrific nature of Adultery and all that that entails.

So,it might seem to you that they are joining the ranks of the cheaters but in reality they just don't know any better.The OW is just a by-product of the choices your WH made and in time,she will most likely be a non entity.When they are older,it will all sink in and they will remember who stood by them,cared for them and was true to them without destroying their happy home.

When I was older and found out about my father's flirtations and inappropriate behavior with other women I didn't talk to him for 2 years I was so mad.We still don't have anything close to a real loving father/daughter relationship.It just can't happen at this time.He will never change even though I know he has many regrets.

Just be as open and honest as you can with the kids and talk to them periodically to see how they are.A lot of this is out of your control but whatever parts are you keep a hold on,ok? Your kids need you to stand up for them and be the responsible and stable parent looking out for their best interests.It's clear that your WxH may not based on his selfish choices.

Hopefully,like your WxH said before,the OW will get bored and go pester someone else in her spare time.


O

<small>[ September 26, 2004, 05:49 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

I really don't have anything productive to add to the others. It is all about mind control and how you percieve it. Just know that most of the other people there are thinking the same thing, that she and he are disgusting, and praying that it never happens to them.

It makes me ill that the OW would bring herself there, and that your XH would allow it. I am still at the age of 45, aghast at the lack of class, and feelings some people have for other human beings. She should not be there, but what can you do? Nothing, and that is so unfair that that makes me ill too.

I was lucky that my DD's dad didn't marry the OW, he married someone else. I don't know how I would have handled the OW around my DD. I probably would have made it my lifes' mission to prove that I was more desirable, smarter, better in everyway than them. I would have become happy just to spite her, and that is what you should do.

Hold you head up can't sleep, and show them what you are made of.

Weaver

the only thing I could suggest is you write a letter and give it to each family on your son's team.

Explain that you might be sad and detached at some of the games because your ex is bringing the woman she had an affair with.

I'm not so sure OW would be comfortable at games knowing all the parents know what she did.

Wow...thanks for all the thoughts! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
It would be an interesting concept to let the other parents know..but I don't want to embarass my son. However, there is one mom that I may tell so perhaps next time..I'll seem alittle more coherent when we are talking (I was barely listening..trying to get through it).
Yes, it is true..when I grew up and looked back on my parent's relationship...it became so clear that the things I thought upset my mom that were ridiclous (sp)because my dad made her appear silly at her implications...how she had every right to be upset about lipstick on a shirt..etc.
And I'm going to try to refocus so I can lose weight and feel like the OW is "better." Today I cooked healthy food so I would be on track for the week..I need to feel good about myself so I don't feel like hiding. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I went to my divorcecare class tonight..helps to have it reenforced that I'm doing OK..everything in God's time.

I am on the other side of this issue, meaning, that I am not there yet, but H plans to move out, move OW in with him, and integrate her into his life, his (our) kids and his extended family. I totally understand how you feel, as I anticipate this situation is just around the corner.

Its bad enough that he had the A in the first place, that even after it ended, I lived with doubts for years if she was really out of his mind, and then my worst nightmare came true, OW was not only back in the picture, but H decided immediately to leave me to be with her. I am hoping he will agree that exposing her to the kids after they go through the pain of the divorce is harmful. I am not a vindictive person, but I toally agree that bringing the OW into your kids lives is the ultimate pain on top of it all.

Don't throw in the towel to OW. Keep your head high, and remember, you are not the one who made the selfish choice to cheat, to ruin a marriage, that was your ex and OW. No one thinks this kind of situation is acceptable. It goes to the core of what we all fear, whether our spouses cheat or not. Destroying a marriage and a family is just plain and simple, not the right way to live your life, regardless of the excuses. Take a deep breath next time it happens, you will get through it. Remember that your kids love you for you, and you will always be their mom, the one they can depend on.

personally I take the vindicitve approach. I think I would be wearing a t-shirt that says the woman with my husband wrecked my marriage.