My H has started going to all his friends (mostly male) and trying to justify what he is doing. I believe he is telling them marriage gone stale, I am cold and unfeeling, that same old ILYBINILWY stuff, no SF, and trying to make himself not look bad when he files for D so he can be with OW. (He has told at least one of them that he will be divorcing soon).

One of the friends has come to me to ask what he can say to H that would cause him to not do what he is doing. Everything I have read seems to tell me that nothing they say will help. I have suggested that I felt they should express disapproval, but I don't know what to tell them to say.

Is there anything someone could have said to you that would have helped end the A and send you back to your marriage? Anything that will penetrate the fog?

BS (me)55
WH 56
M 33 years - going on 34, but may not make it
one living S, 23
OW is 33 with 2 small children

Hi starz,

Sorry for your pain.

It might depend on the person, of course, and how stubborn your H is. All I can say is that when I was about to make the biggest mistake of my life, I needed someone to look me in the eye and remind me how wrong what I was planning was.

If only I had confided in someone who would have verbally shaken some sense into me, and not backed down or sugar coated anything (and I know I have a lot of good friends who would have tried to!).

I was pretty stubbornly determined to stay on my path of self-destruction, though. There may be nothing anyone can say to your H to make him stop and think. The truth about the repercussions of his actions is what he really needs to hear - how badly it affects you, your S, and also what it will be like to "start over" with an OW who is willing to betray another family, and take on the responsibility of her 2 small children, and how those children's lives will be affected by it all as well.

Also, it would be great if his friend could encourage him to give your M another chance and go to counseling.

Here's hoping that things can turn around for you. God bless,

Rose

Thanks for your reply. I hope there will be others who can help me, also. I plan to share these ideas with his friends who ask me what to do. Many of them are horrified at what he is doing, and just want to help, but don't know how. Thanks a million.

My WH best friends talked with him - let him have it - and he still would not admit to his multiple A's. He denies, denies.

They let him know that enough is enough - our friendships will be destroyed, their wives are mad and that's not good, they will not accept OP, I'm their friend they will remain friends with me, they advised him of the major financial loss a D would cause. Nothing will wake him up..

I wish I had a better answer but some men are stubborn. I'd love mine to to to IC or MC he simply refuses - he will not open up to anyone..

I hope things get better for you...I'ts a horrible place we are in..

Thanks for your answer. I hope some ex WS will give me insight. I appreciate it.

Bumpity bump <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

One of the friends has come to me to ask what he can say to H that would cause him to not do what he is doing.

"People who have affairs usually come away with less self respect. It's hard to respect your choices when it means you become an adulteror. Why are you hurting yourself this way? What are you running from?"

Good one. Thanks, Pep

I ended my A right away when I realized what an idiot I'd been...not because things were so good with my H...they weren't. I had done wrong. Period. I had A with my ex BF and realized that he was the same old jerk, unfortunately, AFTER I slept with him.

If you haven't read Surviving an Affair, do so. I'd recommend it to everyone who's been on the recieving and giving end of an A. One piece of advice from that book that might help is this: Sometimes the WS won't realize what he or she has ruined until the Other relationship has soured. Affairs are built on lies and dishonesty and they usually die natural deaths. I know that this is probably not what you want to hear, but that's what came to my mind when I read your story. It is no doubt painful.

I'm sorry this is so hard. Nobody deserves the pain of cheating.

S-

Unfortunately, in the fog of the A the WS feels guilty and bad about what they are doing. The way they justify the wrong is to magnify the problems that were present in the marriage. I did the same thing. I felt I somehow deserved to be happy. In realty, the problems were "workable" and all marriages have areas of weakness. Marriage is about evolution toward perfection. But a foggy brain magnifys the problems in order to make themselves feel better about their sin. He won't wake up till the fog starts to lift or he starts seeing the consequences of his actions. The pain in the children's eyes can be a real wake up call.

Pray for the fog to lift. It's not your fault. The choice to have the affair was 100% his decision. You might bear responsibility for the condition of the marriage but the choice to have the affair was 100% his.

Hang in there.

2scared

Thanks for the replies - I have read SAA and it is excellent. So his HNHN. I've read Dobson, Torn Asunder, and am currently reading Not Just Friends. Private Lies just arrived and will be next on my book of the month club. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I have been Plan Aing even before exposure occurred. During the last week, OWH was told and word is getting out among our friends. Several men who are close to my H are now aware of the A. They are good moral Christian men who are appalled and who desperately want to help. But they don't know whether to lambast him for his stupidity or to approach him as a friend in some way. One in particular has asked me what he should say - what would be the best. Although I don't think much will get through, I just wondered if there is any particular approach that seems to penetrate the fog. Do you try to approach through the guilt he no doubt feels, but is denying? Do you speak to the hurt he is causing to OWH, OW, her children, and me? I don't think preaching a religious viewpoint would work on my H - he's kind of turned off by that. Would knowledge of the reality of the loss of his home, his friends, his assets, the respect of his son, etc. have any impact?

I already know what I have to do. I am plan Aing and exposing and trying to preserve my own sanity through this nightmare. But when I am approached by others, who love both of us and hate what is happening in our M, I don't know what to tell them to say that would have any impact. Should I tell them it is a complete waste of time for them to even try?

That was the reason for my post. Thanks for helping.

Shamelessly bumped - friends are asking for answers

bump

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by starz:
<strong>
Would knowledge of the reality of the loss of his home, his friends, his assets, the respect of his son, etc. have any impact?

I already know what I have to do. I am plan Aing and exposing and trying to preserve my own sanity through this nightmare. But when I am approached by others, who love both of us and hate what is happening in our M, I don't know what to tell them to say that would have any impact. Should I tell them it is a complete waste of time for them to even try?

That was the reason for my post. Thanks for helping. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can tell you that having someone tell me that I could lose my H and our life together would have stopped the A immediately for me.

The thing is, though, that everyone is different and I don't know how your H would respond to that type of message. Are the two of you in counciling together?

We are not in counseling. My confrontation with him about the reality of the affair was last Wednesday. He has previously said he would not go to a counselor. I haven't asked since Wednesday. First D day was back in March - he lied his way out of it and I believed him. Found evidence of proof later - have been gathering legal evidence ever since. D day and exposure to OWH was last Wednesday. He is furious, as I expected. He has not admitted to the A, nor will he ever, probably. I think he has plans to file for D and marry her. I have friends who want to help, if that is possible, now that exposure is happening. They suspected before, but are now totally aware. EA going on for over a year, followed by PA beginning in July of 2003. I know the odds are not in my favor, from what I have read, because it has gone on so long and because they are "so deeply in love." But I refuse to quit Plan A-ing and trying to restore the marriage.

"But they don't know whether to lambast him for his stupidity or to approach him as a friend in some way."

I think he needs to be approached as a friend and lambasted. I mean, lambasted in love. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> In Matthew 18:15 - 17, the advice is to first go alone and approach someone who has sinned against you, and if he won't listen, take 2 or 3 people with you, and if he still won't respond, involve the church.

My H had an EA a few years before my PA, and I thought about asking his father (a Christian) to speak to him. I really think he would have listened to his father, so I wish I would have done that. Would your H's family be helpful?

If your Christian friends aren't sure about what to say, they should pray very carefully for wisdom. Do you have a pastor who would go (in love) and speak to your H?

Rose

Thanks, Rose - excellent answer. I did speak to my pastor yesterday afternoon after church, and to one other man who we are very close to. I asked them as elders of the church to pray for him as hard as they could this week. I have some serious prayer warriors on my side and have for quite a while. I have two brothers in law, one of whom is deeply Christian and a Covenant Keeper. He wants to talk to H, but I discouraged him, because my H does not respect his viewpoint on almost anything. The pastor shared some thoughts with me, but he has no background in counseling and doesn't live near us - he is only here on Sundays. I am planning to see a Christian counselor here in town, but don't know if H will ever go. Unless he commits to trying to save the marriage, I know he won't. At the present time, he will not even acknowledge any wrongdoing. I guess God will somehow have to bring him to his knees before awareness slips into the fogstream. Further exposure may achieve that - or it may drive him away. But I will share your answer with my friend who wanted to know what to say. I think he would do exactly what you said, and do it very well. H will probably listen more to friends than family. I have not exposed to his mother (78 and in very poor health.)
Thanks.

Thanks for all the replies - one last bump to see if there's anyone else who can help.