Hello everyone,

This is my first post here, and I am not even sure if I am in the right forum, but here it goes.

For a little background, I am a deployed soldier with the army. Turns out that a week after I left(been gone for 4 months now), my wife started an affair. After several months, I found out about it, and convinced my unit to let me go home for a short time. While back home, My wife and I went to about a week of marriage counseling, after which she decided that it was doing more hurt than good, left the house to go stay with her boyfriend, because she did not feel comfortable around me. The rest of the time I was back, we saw each other a few times. We went to the fair, we went shopping, garage sales, stuff like that. She seemed to be having a good time, and she even said she was. And then she filed for a divorce. We spoke of it and after a couple days, it sounded like she would drop it. She has not so far that I know of. When I left (I had to go back, could not stay) she was still seeing her boyfriend, although she tells me that they are not romanticly involved....She refuses to give up her new friendships that she made in that short time I was gone. And yet, she tells me that she is confused, does not know what to do, and has sent me letters signed "I love you", when I left she told me she loves me. Now I am in limbo. She is going to see a counselor, and she is seeing a phychiatrist for a mental disorder that we knew about before this all came up, but it seems that all I get is lip service from her. I am only "allowed to call her" once a week, for 1 hour, and then I am not supposed to talk about our relationship, because it upsets her. She has not been able to give me any indication as to why she has done any of this, and I have looked at all of our emotional needs, and we even took the questionaires, and came up ok. We dated for 3 years, and have been married for 4. This has completely blindsided me. We do not have any kids. Everything I say to her, she automatically assumes I am lying to her, she tells me that we need to rebuild trust, (I took the money away from her after I found out she was giving her boyfriend an allowance), and then love. But she does nothing on her part. It is as if I am the only one trying to keep our relationship together. Although her family and friends support me as well. I would be willing to do anything to keep her in my life, and have told her so, but whenever I ask what I need to do to help her, she tells me "I don't know". She has completely cut herself off from everything she used to like, everyone she used to hang out with. What should I do? I have tried the hard love thing, all that did was make her angry with me and push her farther away. I am still making payments on the house, and she is living there now that I am not there. Is it better to be away until she can figure things out for herself, or should I be there to help if she asks?

Hi HTF
Yes you are in the right place... just hang in there weekends are slow for reponses ... but *WE* will respond. And there are a few service personell in the same situation as yourself.

I see you said you read about the EN's (Emotional Needs) and you are willing to work on your marriage (that's a great start).

You asked if it would be better if you are away while she figures this out. Do you have any choice ... I mean you said you are deployed? So you may be away "physically", don't pulled away "emotionally" and "mentally" just yet.

You said your W (wife) has a mental disorder. Does that required your support right now? Or she okay to deal with it on her own?

How does the OM (other man) figure into this? Does he know about you? Because right now he maybe filling your W's EN's while you're away.

If she doesn't want to talk about the R (relationship) .... then don't (for now). I know how hard that can be, because that's all you want to talk about and think about. But, read up on the whole Plan A/B and listen to the older MBer's(Marriage Builders).

Brown

hoping,

Welcome to MB from your Air Force brother (cousin?).

I don't have much time as a hurricane is bearing down upon me....again.

With you deployed you fall under the Soldiers and Sailers Act. This Act keeps things at a stand still while you are forward. Double check with legal there if you can or do a search in the internet.

I know it is hard bet stay focused on what you got going on over there. Maybe talk to the chaplain too.

God Bless,

Doug

Read all about Plan A. It can be done from long distance. You are not in the ideal situation, but you can still save your marriage.

There are several folks here going through the same thing. This war has lots of family casualties.

So stick with us, and we will help you through this.

Hey everyone,

Yeah, he (OM) knows about me. He has his own rumor business that he started just for me, everything bad that ever happens is automatically my fault. Especially if it happens to him. I have talked to the chaplain, and several others. My unit is willing to send me home for good if I request it. The problem is that she says she needs space. So here I am. I don't know if she can deal with her mental disorder by herself or not. That is another one of those subjects she does not really want to talk about. She knows that if she asks, I will come home. Yeah, I know he is fulfilling her EN's, but when I went back home, all she did was run away. So is it better to do what she asks, and give her space, or should I go back and try to fill her EN's, knowing that she might just leave again if I go back without her asking?

If you can go home, do it. When they say they need "space", what they mean is that they need "space" to continue the affair.

I second beleiver's advice to take your unit's offer to go home for good for two reasons:

1. In the shape you are in right now, emotionally speaking, you are probably more of a liability than an asset to your unit.

2. It would give you a fighting chance to implement Plan A [and if need be, Plan B]. Check out the following links:

What Are Plan A And Plan B .
Marriage Builders Counseling Service.
Save Your Marriage Central .

I highly recommend that you read Dr Willard Harley Jr's books 'Surviving An Affair', 'His Needs Her Needs' and 'Love Busters' and start implementing their principles ASAP.

You are not alone, we have all gone through what you are going right now.

I guess I just don't see the point in going home yet. All she will do is run away again. I don't see how that helps me any.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hopingtofix:

I guess I just don't see the point in going home yet. All she will do is run away again. I don't see how that helps me any.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not everybody is cut out to be married to a military spouse. There are many who are unable to handle the loneliness brought on by the long absences of a military spouse. In chapter 10 'Resolving Conflicts Over Career Choices' of Dr Willard Harley's book 'Love Busters', he states that:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">'Yet it's been proven to me time and time again that unless a couple has enthusiastic agreement about each other's careers, a career choice can destroy a marriage.

Careers that are notoriously hard on marriages are those that separate spouses overnight. And the longer the separation, the more likely it is that the career will cause the loss of love, and possibly a divorce. Military marriages for example, are notoriously bad because couples can be separated for months at a time'</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Which is more important to you, your military career or your marriage?

My marriage. I don't care at all about my career. I can always get a different one, in fact have several lined up. That is not the difficulty I am having. But if I go home, and she just runs away and continues to pursue a divorce, how does that help me?

Ever heard the saying 'out of sight, out of mind'? Your absence is making it easy for her to continue her affair. If you came back for good, then all of her excuses [loneliness, fear of getting notified that you were killed, etc.] would be gone. Would this in and of itself be enough to end her affair? probably not, but it would give you a chance to implement Plan A [and possibly Plan B]. If she has any love left for you, then your coming home for good to save the marriage, would be an impressive sign of how much you love her. I've got to warn you though, it won't be easy and there is no guarantee that your marriage will be saved, but in the end you will have learned a lot about what it takes to make a great marriage and be ready for one in the future whether it is with your W or with another woman.

Hoping, I replied to you on your duplicate thread on the recovery board. The big question in my mind is whether or not your wife is on meds for her mental condition and if so, is it possible she has stopped taking them? Your distance hampers your ability to monitor any of this. If you do have the opportunity to go home at this point this would be one more BIG reason to go.

So much of early recovery is not about what the WS does but about what the BS does. There are proactive steps that you can take now to start the process. I've covered some of those in the other post. Please consider coming home for the sake of your marriage, regardless of WS's behavior. KB

Hey,
I have read through the entire site, several times in fact. Alot of it helps, but maybe I missed something. What am I supposed to do when my S has filed for divorce? She has pretty much told me it is over, but then flips around on me.
I am told she is still on her medication. But she only started it a month or so ago, and we really have not seen alot of improvement in her moods. She tells me that there is no romantic connection between her and OM, but she refuses to give him up. I really think she is just lying to me about that.
I am going to try to bring up plan A with her in just a few days. How am I supposed to deal with OM bashing everything I do? He seems to think they are going to get married and have a happy life together, and is throwing out everything he can to discredit me. Yes, I do have access to email alot of the time, but as far as W is concerned, it is pretty much one way. She never responds, and I am only "allowed" to call her once a week, for 1 hour.

Hoping, here's a couple of threads from Roughroad. She also had to do a long distance Plan A. The first thread is really long but worth the time. sessions w/ Steve Harley and the plan has some real gems in it.
The second thread is shorter, actually start with this one if you are short on time. Conversations and letters with H will probably answer some of your questions. KB

K, those were excellent links. Thanks alot! I am amazed at the patience that RR has shown.

At the point I am at, I need to implement a partial plan A with WW, and hope that she goes to the counseling sessions and the Dr. for her mental disorder. The Dr.s have all been very adament that nothing can be done with our R until after she is stabalized. This could take another month or 4..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Long time to wait. In the meantime, I have decided to try and stick it out here for now. She has already filed and served me for a D, but that was when I was back. If I stay here for awhile longer, she cannot follow thru with that. So, essentially I am stalling. I am hoping and praying that she gets the help she needs, so as not to be a danger to herself. At the same time, I can begin to implement a plan A, so that when she does start to stabalize, I can hopefully <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> come home without her running away and pushing a D.
I am not the most patient person in the world, and it sucks being on the opposite side of the planet, But for right now, all I can do is wait.