The other day was my birthday and I’m supposed to have the kids, per agreement, even though it was her weekend. Who shows up at the school anyway? She hugs & kisses me with a ‘happy b-day!’ I take the boys out and drop them back to her place (she’s living with her dad). My oldest insists that we all cut cake together, so we do. She gives me some books she mistakenly took and I leave.

My problem: It’s been nearly 2 months since I’ve seen her (I went 'dark' the day after she moved out. The only contact is via phone & only about the kids). I went home on my b-day night alone and having to prepare for yet another Florida hurricane. This weekend has been lonely for me despite the good wishes of others. I miss her. Terribly. To see her cheery and nonplussed, with her new hair and shrine to the OM in her new home hurts. To see my sons living ½ their time in cramped conditions when they don’t have to angers me. To have my xFIL wonder why I kept the house irritates me. Finding her thoughtful birthday card in my mailbox confuses me. I don’t deny it, I still love my WxW, very much. My dreams are still of her and our family. She of course doesn’t want me. I want to forgive; she wants the OM. So in the here and now, it’s a no-go. How can I work with her as a co-parent when seeing her causes such emotional disruption?

<small>[ September 26, 2004, 11:39 AM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

Looking forward to reading the advice and/or experience of other MBers. I have contemplated the same delemma.

My daughter is 10 years old now, and her father and I have joint 50/50 custody.

What I did was try to remember what was best for my daughter during the days when it hurt to see him. I wanted desperately for her to have a happy life and two parents, so I put my personal feelings for her dad away. I forced myself to become friendly co-parents with him. When I remembered it was about my daughter and not about "us" anymore it wasn't too hard.

Now we truly are good friends, he is remarried to a girl I really like and who is very loving towards my little girl.

It takes quite a bit of unselfishness on both the parents part, but your kids must have this for a chance of a happy, well adjusted life.

This is something you must do, you really have no choice if you love your kids. And it does get easy once you move on with your own life.

I was also very lucky that her dad is a good, loving person and loves DD as much as I do.

What your are experiencing is very normal considering that divorce was something that you did not want. It's ok to feel the way you feel but I would like for you to consider starting to make a new life for yourself. It's not going to be easy but once you start you'll find that there is real meaning to your life. A good way to start is to volunteer to some worthwhile organization like The Boys And Girls Club or the Make A Wish Foundation. Being around children is a great way to get back the joy in life and give purpose to your life as well. There is nothing like helping others, especially the less fortunate, to appreciate the blessing we have.

dleightonc.... I see some interesting things here.

Your wife hugs you, kisses you, gives you a thoughtful card, lets you spend some of her time with your kids. Loving gestures, all.

You're left feeling bereft -- you want more of those things, and it hurts not to have them.

I can completely understand (and lordy, can I ever empathize!) with what you're feeling.

What I wonder... is what SHE is feeling. I bet it's not quite as straightforward as "I want OM."

Oh, sure, that's there, but there are other things as well.

Now, you're in a no-contact situation with her for a very good reason. It has to do with all the pain you've been through -- and are still feeling.

It seems to me that it would be wise on your part to remain protected, to continue to do the things you're doing to rebuild a good life. TMCM had some great additional suggestions, if you need them.

And what about your WxW? What would I do there? Well, how would you feel about sending a short note to her? Something like this:

"I really enjoyed the time with the kids on my birthday -- and I was surprised and pleased to get your card and your good wishes. Thank you. It made my day brighter. I hope you're well."

Nothing about missing her, nothing about the pain of still loving her, nothing even remotely about the situation between the two of you in the past. Focusing ONLY on the time that you actually saw her, the things that she actually did.

And then? Just let things return to normal. No expectation that it will change things -- because in the short and middle-term, it won't. No grand gestures. Just a quiet note.

And then just watch -- listen to the wind -- observe the energy -- and see what happens.

Hi dlc,

I had my first Mediator meeting with WH last Wednesday(which was heart wrenching) and I can tell you what I am going to do post D. I have already talked to WH about it by e-mails.

Unlike weaver,there is just no way that I will be able to be the friendly,talkative co-parenter.I would rather have my children see mommy as a happy,strong,healing person than a broken,emotional mess every time my WH came around.My WH was the love of my life whom I planned to spend the rest of my life with and I honestly do not know if this love will ever go away.It is only going to hurt me and bring up all kinds of pain unless I take measures to not ever see him,which I have.

It is hard but we have a plan because it's in my best interest and helps the kids.Is it in the *best interest of the kids completely? Well,I will admit not entirely but what would have been in the best interest of the kids is my WH not going out and cheating on me and destroying our marriage and loving family/home life.And,he never even gave any of me/us a chance to make things right and spare us all this pain.It always was and is about HIM and HIS feelings,no one elses.So,I have to take an incentive here and protect myself at least a little from now on.No one else is looking out for me but me.

The only way I could go on and perhaps have another meaningful and loving relationship with another man is if WH is completely out of the picture.No surprise visits,calls,cards,e-mails,extra parenting time,etc,etc.He has to be gone and essentially,I have to start over.So maybe that might work for you.It's a personal choice.My WH does not deserve my friendship even though he really wants it.He cannot have it both ways.Am I being cruel? Well,not even close to what he has put me and our families through.

I'm not sure this helped but I just wanted to give you another persons view on how they are going to handle this very delicate situation.

Take care.

O

October -

Our situations are very different. You never had a choice or a chance for reconciliation, nor did your children. And I think, like Dleigh that is why it is so very hard in your sitches.

My DD's dad & I split up when I was pregnant, (he had an affair), my daughter never knew what it was like to have both of us living together with her. And my love for him changed, I knew I could never love him the same way after he had hurt me so badly when I was pregnant with my first and only child. But it took me years to really get over him.

I spent 6 years alone after she was born not being able get interested in dating, and needing to prove something to myself. Then I met you know who...here we go again. But I am a much stronger, happier person now and even he cannot take that away from me.

Octobergirl you are one of the people on here that means alot to me and to the others, and it just breaks me apart to know how this hurts you still, but you will love again like WAT says, only better.

Dleigh - you can only do what you can do. It will get easier, especially if you allow yourself to fall in love with someone else.

weaver,

You are a strong and insightful woman.I appreciate how hard things have been for you too and how making the right choices can be so overwhelming.You sound like you are doing alright.I would like to think I will be too,one day.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

O

Thanks O, that means a lot coming from you!

And as far as you being alright one day, heh you are half way there. You are heads above where I was way back when.

It seems hard either way, contact hurts, no contact aches. I feel like a jerk for the NC and a fool for my reaction to seeing her.

<small>[ September 27, 2004, 01:30 PM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

...The bottom line though is that it made our son happy. If I can focus on him, then I feel I can get through this phase (please let it be a phase!)...

<small>[ September 27, 2004, 01:36 PM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

...As for what my WxW is thinking; I couldn't fathom it now, now do I think it's healthy for me to do so. If she's softening, she'll continue to do it on her own. But as long as OM is 'planning to make a life' with her, she'll remained fogged. I'm just tired of hurting...