I have posted on MB but in a different catagory I think. Brief overview. Married 21 yrs w/3 children. H said in beginning of June didnt know if he loved me or not. Moved out to work on his issues. Started A end of June. Says he loves her now. End of Aug. wants to work things with me, but wouldnt end contact with OW. Came home for 2 weeks. Is now overseas with job. Still doesnt know if he wants to work out our marriage or not. Goes back and forth with saying he wants to do God's will and saying he has nothing left to give to the relationship. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Says he loves her. I still want to make our marriage work. What should I do? Should I do Plan B while he is gone? He is still communicating with her and I both. Should I talk to him only if he calls? I need some advice. Help! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hi katiegirl,

I went back and read all your posts.Here's what I am thinking.

First,I am almost positive the A started before June.Your WH didn't move out to "work on issues", he wanted to be more available to the OW.This is a common statement made by WS's like "I need to find myself".Yah,sure.

Second,he is waffling back and forth between you and the OW because he just cannot make up his mind.Also classic.Back and forth until he drives everyone nuts.If your WH perceives the warm and fuzzy infatuated feelings as being loved and all that matters well,he is in for a painful future.You can't go hopping from one relationship to the next trying to get this type of feeling that does NOT last.There is documentation about how this is a chemical reaction in the brain that fades over time,say about 2-4 years.It's not all that love nor marriage is about.It feels great yes but it doesn't last.It changes over time to long lasting true love.

I'm not sure if you know what Plan A is but that is what we generally recommend when an A is found out.However,there is not too much you can do physically while your WH is overseas.But,you can continue to be pleasant and supportive while he is away.How long is he going to be away?

Have you exposed the A to both families and any husband the OW might have?

O

<small>[ September 26, 2004, 03:31 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

H will be gone till Dec. So 3 months. I tried to Plan A while he was here, but since he wasnt willing to quit seeing her, I had issues! I am certain he didnt move out over her. That didnt start till after he was gone. But he says he doesnt love me romantically any longer. Says he does with her...have a lot in common, same dreams, desires....does not have the same with me...though I think that could be possible, I feel we have just neglected our relationship. He states he doesnt know if he ever loved me at all. He says he just doesnt have anything left to give, that he is emotionally empty. He has been on antidepressants for about 4 years now. Been having some emotionals problems. He is just confused and she is not helping.
I know he is still talking to her and emailing while he is out of the country. I just continue to pray. But what do you think?

Katie,

Despite the medical reason for being on AD's all that you said is classic of WS's and how they rewrite history:

-I never loved you
-I was never happy
-You are not my soulmate
-I just don't know what I want anymore
-I don't have anything in common with you
-We grew apart
-All the romance is gone

Yada,yada,yada.Same old same old.Please don't fall into the denial trap.How can you be absolutely sure that your WH didn't move out to be with OW? Does she live in another country? I just don't buy it,not now.

The fact is,ALL OF US have to work at our relationships,just like a garden.If we don't they shrivel up and die.If your WH ventures out now to be with this OW,he is in for the same ride.It doesn't magically happen,these "perfect" relationships WS's think they can have with OP.That's why there is such an abysmal failure rate for these people.They are living on Fantasy Island,not reality.

If everyone just up and left for these infatuated feelings and misguided ideals,there would be no one left married.If it's all about ME and my feelings and no one else,that would be a very selfish and painful world to live in.

If you want a chance to save your mariage,you have to have a plan in place and right now that would be Plan A when your WH gets home.Plan B in the future but only after a secured Plan A and if he left the home to live with OW or alone.

What are you reading currently? Anything?

O

<small>[ September 26, 2004, 04:08 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

About 2 weeks after H moved out, he made a new email account. Met her through that. I could be wrong, but I dont think so. But you are right, he does say all those things...cant really belive a whole lot he tells me. Lies a LOT.

Books...I have read just about every book I can get my hands on. H has the His Needs, Her Nees and Love Busters with him...supposed to be reading. I have read both of those, plus Love must be Tough, Torn Asunder, Five Love Languages......couple of dozen books. Over saturated! lol

I dont know if he will come home to me or not. I know that OW is in the wings and wanting to take him on a cruise when he comes home. Last week he wanted me to file for divorce. This week it is I am seeking Gods will in this. He used to be a very committed christian, but these past 6 years or so...he has steadily gotten away from that close walk. And now this is where we are.

On top of all this, I have a son who is battling drug abuse and just moved out on his own. He is 17. I know H is depressed over this as well.

Plan A huh?

Ugh.Well,I am sorry for all your troubles,truly I am.It's so hard isn't it?

Like I mentioned,if you want to change the dynamics of your marriage in order to possibly see a future with this man,you need to take charge of what you can change.You cannot change your WH but all this palnning and coping leads you to one of two outcomes: personal recovery or marital recovery.There is no guarantee,I am sure you know already,that anything you do will bring your WH back to you.But,if it's at all possible,you need to show your WH how committed you are to improving/rebuilding your marriage so that it can be the best you both deserve and also leave at least a little shred of happy thoughts for WH to mull over during his cake fest.

So,if your WH comes home,do what you can in the amount of time you can.If he ends up taking off with the OW for a cruise then don't be overly upset about it to him.If the A really only started back in June,you have aways to go with Dr.Harley's suggestions.Give all this as much time as you can stand.At least then you can say that you didn't rush through this,you methodically dealt with it all in the right ways and with the knowledge you have been given.

Furthermore,if you do not want a D then by all means don't file.Let HIM do the dirty work.One day you may need to yourself but for now it sounds like you have some time to play with.But if WH moves out,then we can help you draft a Plan B letter(PBL).

O

P.S. Maybe you need a break from the Infidelity overload? LOL. A good mystery or enlightening story could be a nice change.I just finished a book by Carmen Bin Laden(Inside The Kingdom),a Swiss/Persian woman who married into the Bin Laden family.Fascinating story that took my mind of myself for a while and reminds you that we are so not alone in our struggles in this life.

Yes, it really sucks right now. lol I have had some contact with OW on the internet. Not nice conversations. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> But quit doing that. Hurt too much.

There is something to read other than self help books?? Geee, why didnt I think of that? lol I used to read romance novels, but they sort of make me sick right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Need a new focus!

I let H know whenever we speak that I want him back and that we can work out the problems. H just has no hope right now and he is afraid. Doesnt want to be unhappy, but doesnt want to do the wrong thing either. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> He is very confused! lol

Yep.Heard it all before.He doesn't want to lose the OW for fear of being "unhappy"(if he only knew) but is also torn between losing you too.It's really tough to be a WS. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I like mysteries and stories about courage and survival right now.No romance for me either(yuk).Sometimes I will even do mazes.I LOVE mazes.I'm really good at them too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

O

P.S. Good Grief! Don't dare talk to the OW if at all possible.It makes you sick,like toxic waste.The more you are near it the worse off you are.As my MIL used to say: "I wouldn't give her(ow) the time of day if the noon day bell was ringing!" LOL That's about as mad as she can get.Look OUT!

Yes, it was getting ugly with the OW. I just finally got tired of stooping to that level. She lets me know she is around and still seeing H by updating her profile on yahoo. Joy!

I need a job. lol Something to occupy my time, cuz I am sick of reading and cleaning! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks for all the good advice Octobergirl. I will keep you posted on what is going on. K?

K <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well, I have tried to email H but he is not checking email these days. So, thinking of Plan A, I called him. It is morning in Korea. Was nice to hear his sleepy voice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But I told him that I missed him and was thinking of him. That I hope he knew how much I loved him and cared about him. He said he cared about me too. That he was praying and seeking God's will for us.
We all know what God's will is...rejoice with the wife of your youth...Hopefully he will come out of the "fog" soon! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

WH called me yesterday. Not sure why, just to talk maybe? The time difference is really hard. I am just frustrated with NOT talking. I think he is still contacting OW via email and phone, but he is not too interested in contacting me. Do I give him space? Do I call more often? I have sent a ton of email and I got one response...a whole 6 words! Should I be in Plan A? Feels more like Plan B! lol Maybe he needs this time while he is away to clear his head....but how is he going to do that with the OW filling his head?

Why cant they just "come to themselves" and realize what they are doing?? I would really like to help them in this process....have a 2x4 real handy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Well this is an update and maybe somebody can offer me some new advice.
About 3 wks ago, WH said he wanted to come home to me, was choosing me and wanted to work things out. He's overseas till Dec, btw. Few days later he calls, says he is not sure and then says he is choosing her. This past week he calls and says he knows he is not right for her, wants to work things out with me. Says he is trying to write her an email for NC. He quit answering the phone, in case it was her. She got to him a few days ago anyway. He seemed to be wavering again when I spoke to him yesterday.
He has told me that this going back and forth is hurting everybody.

Hes afraid for her, afraid she will hurt herself. Asked me to pray for her. She is a psycology major and is manipulating him big time. Acuses me of the same.

He is afraid that he is going to come back and have to suffer with unhappy marriage for the rest of his life. Got the I love you but not romantically in love with you speech. Is it possible that he is looking for some sort of fulfillment in me and our marriage that he needs to find in himself and his purpose in life?

I think he is in MLC as well as this A. He is very confused. Wants to do what God wants him to do...and he knows it is to come home..has told me that. But I dont know he has the strength to do it. He knows what is right, but doesnt have much faith to go with it.

I have been trying to Plan A long distance. Tell him I love him, want to work things out. Will do whatever it takes to work this out. Reading tons of books, praying a lot! I send email, I call sometimes. In the meantime, I have been searching for a job, getting my house in order, d2d stuff....
I guess I am just discouraged. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Wishing he would make a decision. Plan A is tough, especially when I want to choke the livin daylights out of him and he is 7,000 miles away! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />