Hey all

This is gonna be long....

I haven't posted in a while since WH (aka Fogman) weasled his way into MC with SH last month. Steve taught me all about a real Plan A, the most important point being NEVER hurt WH no matter what. Well, this was actually going quite well. Fogman moved out in April, and now lives and works 300 miles away, coming home on weekends to see me and kids. Very important note:::::OW followed him, leaving her H behind.

Every single Sunday, as he is getting ready to go back, he incessantly picks fights with me. It is really annoying, especially when Plan A forbids me to get into it with him, which pisses him off to no end.

I dread him coming home, I begin getting anxiety about it starting on Wednesdays. On Fridays I pretty much stop eating and turn into a basket case. The weekends are very strained between us, I feel like getting sick most of the time inside, meanwhile keeping my happy Plan A face shining.

Well, it needs to stop. I've heard that when you're ready, you'll just know...Soooooo true for me. This is what has been happening to lead me to Plan B today...

2 Wednesdays ago, Fogman almost got his leg ripped off in a concrete auger-thingy, escaped at the last minute. He called me a bunch of times that day and in the days following. He actually said he's been thinking about us and the affair and that he really misses us (meaning me and kids, not our M, of course...Way too foogy for that to happen!) Steve has been coaching us to find a neutral place to live once our house sells, so after a few days of this lovey-dovey stuff, I mentioned a cool place to live that I knew we would enjoy and be able to make a good life, etc. Fogman said, sure, check it out!

So I, of course, took this as a sign of the A ending and spent a few days scouring the internet for jobs for us, etc. I actually let myself feel good for a day or two. I was beginning to wonder if the pit in my soul was never going to go away. Honestly, it (the pain) freakin' evaporated and was replaced instantly with forgiveness. I didn't want to get my hopes up, told myself to not get my hopes up, but did I listen??? NNNOOOO!

So, as I'm sure you can predict, the fog rolleth back in, and it wasn't long till he was "happy here" and I was the evil bi##h wife again. I told him I didn't appreciate him telling me to check out another area, and then changing his mind. We fought on the phone, which is never good for us.

He has his ways to "get" me, I notice. He is so good at fence-sitting that he should win some sort of medal or something. Sweet-talking one minute, picking fights the next, and me just Plan A-ing my butt off, letting the fogtalk roll over my armor.

So, here we are at this weekend... He weasled his way into oral sex when he arrived home Friday night. I got nothing on my end! He had a hissy fit when I actually dared to try to kiss him. Usually, he satisfies me as well. This was the first time in Plan A that I really feel like he used me to get off (another important note:::::OW cannot get him off no matter what they try...oh, this makes me laugh!) He spent a lot of time complaining about money, he barely helped with the kids, etc., etc. as per his usual. Plus he was out of pot, and he couldn't smoke cigarettes or drink either (these last two are NEW since the A).

Sundays as I mentioned before are particularly unpleasant. He says he can't wait to leave so he can dull himself with drugs, that dealing with me is too painful. HHHMMM, I feel the same way.... He finally admitted that she is now living with him at his apartment (with her D that he hates) "How else do you expect me to afford to live? I give you my paycheck (BTW not true, I barely get sh*t from him) blah blah blah it's not LIKE that blah blah blah" Well, this is the FIFTH time I've heard this from him about all the other places they have lived! Time to start really PUKING!

Plan B was calling my name today.

I wrote a short letter that I had actually started earlier in the wekkend, sorta a Lighthouse kinda letter (ARK would be so proud). So, I added at the end about how dealing with him is too painful blah blah blah and that I would be happy to talk to him when the A is over.

Just like that!

As he was leaving, he says, I'll answer your calls if you want to call me. I won't call you unless you call me. I told him that's not gonna happen, good-bye. He handed over his gas credit cards (he has been buying all of his meals on them and the I have to f-ing pay for it!). We did not arrange for child support yet. I think I need to write another letter to clarify this, and then that's it!

Our house is on the market right now, and I can go to my parents' with the kids, so that shouldn't be a problem. SH wanted me to wait until I moved in with them to Plan B, but I really couldn't wait after today. Too much pain for me to bear anymore. It felt so good to tell him not to come back.

Any suggestions on a clarification letter? I know it was rushed today, so I think I need to reinforce the open-door policy once the A is over.

I have been planning a D for awhile now, and promised SH I would wait. I haven't tried Plan B yet, so I guess I should do this to be sure I have tried everything.

Oh and gues what else I got to do?????

I talked to OW and gave her a piece of my mind and then some. It felt good!!!!! She is just as foggy as he is, so it won't have any impact into her thick skull.

Sure felt good anyway!

What does she expect when she calls my house looking for him, hangs up when I answer. I call back and ask her how she could call my house and she says she didn't, but it showed up on *69. She is an expert liar, huh???

They deserve each other.

Hey there -

I've been wondering about you, and all I have to say on the Plan B is - thank God! Get yourself and your kids away from his chaos.

Now don't you break it either. When you feel weak you come here, you here?

On the other letter your need to write - I don't have a clue, will let the others answer that one.

Hi there former neighbor! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I read that this post was gonna be long so I went and grabbed a cup of tea to sit and review your story.Lol.

Well,I do admire how you prevent yourself from LB'ing.I have been doing it a bit since a few months now when we decided on a D.I figure,why hold back now.He deserves to know how all this has been affecting me.Of course,he feels it's in our best interest to D,so he doesn't have to come back and face the pain.

I would say don't move anywhere with WH until this all blows over,if it does.Stay with your parents and enjoy some peace for a while.Let your WH figure out what he is going to do next.I can tell you that after having my first Mediation session last week,my WH is going to be living on minimum wages.I am getting most of what he makes and then some.He will be living very modestly so the homewrecker will have to pay for the bills.Your WH has no idea what it means to be D'd.Why are you paying for his credit cards? Is he unemployed? Can't remember.

Also,I can understand COMPLETELY about you dreading your WH coming home.I SO do too.I can't wait for this sickening scenario to be over.My WH is still living with me(against my wishes) until he gets a job and can move to be with the homewrecker or on his own(he got fired again for the third time in the past year).I would love for him to be somewhere else but I don't have a legal leg to stand on for that issue.

Plan B was so good for me,you will appreciate it too.You get to detach from all the insanity and pain of the WS.By the way,how do you know that the OW can't get him off(wh)? Did he actually tell you this? It seems strange to me that he would mention that but entirely deserving of course. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I also called the homewrecker,three times,to tell her off.I didn't let her respond of course but she understands how much I loathe her very existence.I accomplished one goal at least.

Do we need to find the PBL thread for ya?

O

<small>[ September 26, 2004, 07:41 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Weaver-
Thanks for the support. I have a feeling I will be needing to "talk" a lot (one of my mystifying Emotional Needs!). This has been a LONG time coming.

OGirl-
Hey you! Good to hear from you! It's funny, he was "assigned" to fill in the LoveBuster Q by SH, and he called me and said he was having a hard time with it because I DON'T LOVEBUST anymore!!! Chalk one up to me!

As I was typing this he CALLED ME! I'm gonna have to get caller ID, I guess. He said he had turned off hios phone because I wasn't going to be calling him, and when he just turned it on (not sure why he would bother with her standing right next to him) my number came up as calling him at 6:15PM. I of course, did NOT CALL HIM! He says my # popped up, then he said his phone must be lying! OMG, I've gotta laugh! He actually asked me to remember to call the junkyard to haul away some car parts he worked on. I told him I would give him the number. I am not going to be his helper and "take care of things" for him like I've been doing for 20 years. At least, not in Plan B. I told him I didn't call his phone and wasn't planning to call him, plus I actually LB'd maybe and said I don't give a sh*t about him, OW or her kid, and then hung up on him.

This is gonna take some getting used to...

I am not moving anywhere with that jerk. I know I'm upset, and may regret rushing into this, but I am sick and tired of his secrets and BLATANT disrespect he inflicts on me and the kids every single weekend. I can't even make fun plans with any of our friends on the weekends because he's home, and NO ONE will talk to him anymore. I'm already planninig to be away this coming weekend in case he tries to show up.

Still looking for a way to ask him about $$ for kids. I just called to cash in a mutual fund, so that will get us by for awhile.

Hi What!

Like I promised, I'm looking into your thread.

You Go Girl! You Plan A'd beautifully.

I always find it amusing how WS can just turn everything around on you.

But it will be good to get your kids away from the chaos, like Weaver said. Even tho my children are grown, this has hurt them very much.

You will certainly have more peace. It's also good that you can have the support of your parents. I'm thankful for my WH's brothers and sisters. They have really supported me.

If you write a more concise Plan B letter, you should include the child support matter in that. And have someone you can commumicate thru.

I'm here for you. KEEP REPEATING....I AM GETTING STRONGER. I AM GETTING STRONGER. I AM GETTING STRONGER.

And you will. K

Thanks K! Plan A was a TON of work. Every single person I know thinks I am absolutely bonkers to still want to be with him during Plan A. *SIGH* I am so close to losing love that I think Plan B was overdue. I am so totally OK right now. I think I will still wait on the D. I can file for Legal Separation in this state, so if he is a d*ck and not send us any money, I will file for that.

Our house will be "shown" tomorrow. Fogman didn't bother mowing the lawn for me. He says he doesn't really care and why didn't I mow it myself? We're talking 2 acres and three little kids here! The things that come out of his mouth just boggle me! I've been writing them down because when I repeat them back to me he denies it all. Sickening and funny at the same time.

I will work on the Plan B letter tomorrow and read to SH on Tuesday. I'm taking Fogman's appt. He threw his copy of SAA into the yard earlier, and refuses to continue with MC. He wasn't really invited to the MC anyway, so no big loss, if you ask me!

"How else do you expect me to afford to live?

Boo-hoo! That is almost EXACTLY what my STBXWH said when he moved into the apartment 6/30 with the OW. I wouldn't let him come back home because he was still drinking and still seeing her and I had no guarantee either was going to end. So I said I needed a little time for him to prove he was serious.

So he rents a 2br apartment and moves her in. Says he can't afford a place on just his income because he has to pay me child support, you know!

So he moves in a woman who is unemployed??! (Okay, she was working as a temp at that moment, but that job only lasted a couple weeks. Now she lives on foodstamps.)

I think you did the right thing going to Plan B. I blew it....went to Plan D after Plan A. I know I disappointed a lot of people around here.

It's not that I think Plan B would have pulled my STBX off a fence. He really wasn't setting on one. He had climbed over to her side.

But he didn't want a DV. He just wanted to play...wanted time. Maybe if I'd have stayed in a good Plan B for a year or so, the A might have burned out and then he might have wanted me back bad enough to go get help for his drinking.

But filing for DV cancelled all that. He doesn't see any reason to change the way he's living. And I do still love him (I don't think anything will completely empty my love bank.) So it's hard.

Since I blew it, I'll try to live vicariously through you.

LL

LL

Here's a ((((((Hug)))))) You have disappointed NO ONE! We are both dealing with substance abusers, it SUCKS! The A's just make it even more unbearable. PLUS they are expert liars and rationalizers, so they are VERY slippery folks.

Fogman was complaining that I won't let him get stoned, drink and smoke cigs while he's around. No wonder he doesn't feel comfortable at home...he's in freaking withdrawal from multiple substances. PUKE on him! Won't miss that crap, that's for sure!

I never thought I would ever do Plan B, that's why I was on the D board, ready. I have no idea how this is going to go. He is probably going to go with the "I'm not worthy", "you'll all be better off without me" crap for awhile.

I gotta try to get some sleep now...talk to you later.

I couldn't sleep last night.

I feel like utter cr*p.

My stomach is in knots.

Is this normal for the beginnings of Plan B?

Well for me it took three weeks of no contact whatsoever from him before the knots in my stomach went away, but after that I felt really good most of the time.

You just hang in there, it will get much, much better.

Wanted to add that I think we go through a kind of withdrawal from our addiction to the drama, and our addiction to the WS. So you will feel like utter crap, just like quitting a bad drug.

But its something you must get through, to ever have a healthy relationship with him again. It is the only way I think when things get to the point where they have gotten with your WH.

It makes so much sense about me having withdrawal too. I have been attached to this man pretty much my entire life.

If I didn't already prepare for a D, I think I would be doing much much worse right now.

I am showing my house in 1/2 hour. I am definitely leaving this whole rotten mess in God's hands. He is already carrying me through this, I just wish I knew which way to go. I want to just close my eyes and let Him hold me like a baby. It was either Tossed Wave or High Flight over on the D boards that quoted a passage that says God will become my husband now. Very interesting to me since it helps me to feel that He will provide for me now since my WH's brains are scrambled.

Back home now.

I would like suggestions on another Plan B letter for the Fogman. Yesterday's letter is not clear, I believe.

What do I do with his email?? He is active on eBay and I have been his go-between and shipper for months. He has no access to internet. I'm thinking print out emails and fax to the office as a courtesy.

What about separating bills, etc.?? I am new to this Plan B system. Need help!

Went to see a friend and we both cheered each other up. She, of course, wants me to permanently ditch Fogman, but I'm not quite ready yet.

very proud.....

did you pick an intermediary ?

did you make it clear that he can see the children...that you are not blocking that..
but that he can't stay at your home...

Also you need to stop doing his ebay stuff...

can you post your original plan b letter...
did you end the plan b letter telling him to stick THIS in your bong and smoke it.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
oooh probably not a good idea... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

ark

Ark speaketh!!!!

Thanks for your reply....

did you pick an intermediary ?
I have no idea who to pick. He will not speak with anyone except for his 91 year-old grandmother.

did you make it clear that he can see the children...that you are not blocking that..
No. I am not too keen on him taking the kids anywhere. He is a drug addict who is in withdrawals when around the kids because he's not smoking pot (sometimes). He is so cranky they pretty much do their own thing, especially the older one. He rolls his eyes when I ask him to hold the baby for anything. He has maybe changed 2 diapers. Plus, I am breastfeeding her. He actually said on Sunday that he didn't wnt her. That one hurt REALLY bad. I've had a long-standing rule of No taking kids if OW is around period. He also lives 7+ hours away. This is going to have to be worked out, but how? I don't want to deprive any of them, but I honestly think he needs supervised visits. Yesterday he was screaming he can't take it when we were just in the van going to Taco Bell for goodness sakes. He left the van and started walking. The kids were really wondering about that... Totally not healthy. He wants to bring our oldest home with him in the future, and it will not happen (except maybe over my dead body!).

Also you need to stop doing his ebay stuff...
Yeah, that's a given. He's been depending on me for that (is eBay an EN?????). Very inconvenient, too, with 3 kids and huge packages.

can you post your original plan b letter...
I wish I could!!! It was handwritten and given to him as he left. Here's some that I can see on the paper:
"You've asked me to be patient.I've thought long and hard about it...my answer is YES. This affair is too painful for me to interact with you any longer. <unfortunately the rest in unreadable>" Something about when the A is over I will be interseted in reconciling...

Geez, any suggestions?

Ending day one of Plan B.

The kids are all bathed and in PJ's. I love bedtime now. It used to be full of too much ruckus, not at all calm and relaxing.

I made it, and I don't feel too badly so far. It's been up and down. I woke up feeling horrible, but now the ache is a little less.

I'm worried he might show up this weekend. I've made plans to be at friends, but I'd better see if we can sleep over or camp out in their fields (that would be so fun for the 5 boys- 2 mine, 3 theirs!) at least on Friday night, when he usually shows up.

I still need to work on a proper Plan B letter.

Hi What...

Just checking on your progress. Sounds like you are doing okay.

I can tell you truthfully, that this is still up and down emotionally for me.

The first time I Plan B'd WH, he called and left messages on all the phones all the time.

This time, he hasn't even made a peep. It's kind of scary, because you start thinking "Am I doing the right thing? Will he just say "forget it" and go on?"

Do I really miss him? Or am I feeling bad because he isn't trying to contact me at all?

The only thing I know for sure, is that I'm not going to call him. He knows what I need to reconcile.

But, to be sure, there's nothing boring about this.

Just take care of youself, and your children. You will be fine.

I KNOW IT.

K