Thanks Sadww-

I'm praying for you too.

2scared

SadFWW-
Thanks so much for your prayers. I am praying for you as well. This is tough.


Hi 2Scared-
No, I haven't read any of the book. Just the bit of chapter one I looked at a while ago. Just haven't had the motivation to do much. I'm trying to muster a <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

I met a lady today at church who heads a kinship group...she asked me to go next Sunday evening...I think I will. It's good to know people are praying. I'm praying for you too... have a good week...keep in touch.

Rae

Hi 2Scared-

Well, he told me last night he's gonna file. It didn't go well. We both lost our tempers.

I know that until my A, I was a great wife. So I am at peace with that, at least. I just want to get this over with and move on. I think he had his mind made up from the beginning that he was gonna D me. I am sorry that i caused him pain.

Keep in touch...praying for ya.
rae

Rae-

I completely understand. Your emotions will be all over the board for a while. Guilty, angry, begging, resenting, afraid, excited about moving on...yet guilty for feeling that way.

You will regain peace. I am getting to the point where I know it's over and I;ve tryed everthing to no avail so I am getting excited about the future. It's just a state of limbo right now. Married with NO benefits. Limbo land. No needs being met...and wanting some met.

Hang in there! I know your pain!

2scared

Good morning, 2S.,

Yes, I'm not looking forward to this...though I want to get on with my life.

Last night I actually fell asleep without taking anything to help.

I don't know what I'm gonna do with my life...maybe finish my master's...maybe move far far away. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yeah, this not having emotional needs met is really getting to me. Well, it wasn't happening even before the A, but it's really aggravating.

The kids are almost done watching "The Cask of Amantillado"--it's a short, 15-minute video of Poe's short story.

Bye-bye--you're in my prayers.
Rae

<small>[ November 11, 2004, 08:37 AM: Message edited by: rae03 ]</small>

Rae-

My needs weren't getting met before the A either, but the total isolation is consuming. The A for me was never about sex, it was about affection. It was about someone who actually cared and enjoyed being with me. I cut that person off and still lost my M. Now, I have no one to be with. I think the little things are what I miss the most. Someone to talk to when I get home in the evening. The warmth of a body next to mine as I go to sleep. A smile, laughter, or a soft touch. I miss someone to snuggle with. I just miss the warmth of an embrace and the softness of a kiss.

I want to be wanted. I need to be needed. I would love to be loved. Hmmmmm. Can you tell the walls are once again closing in on me. My friends tell me to get out and meet a female friend...but I don't trust myself. I'm way to vunerable right now.

The loneliness is so hard to deal with. I know you understand.

I'm still praying.

2scared

2scared--

I know...it's terribly lonely around my neck of the woods too. Last night I had my cousin come over and watch a movie and play Scrabble with me. I mean, it's always fun to do stuff like that, but to be able to do stuff like that with a significant other is better. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

The A for me wasn't about sex either. It was that there was someone there who adored me, showed me that he adores me, talked to me, was affectionate toward me. When you've been deprived of stuff like that for so long, you tend to relish it when you do get it. It's like a sponge soaking up water.

I'm gonna rant here...

The more and more I reflect on my short-lived marriage, the more I see how desperate I was trying to do anything I could for my H. I really was...I was constantly trying to get close to him and achieve a level of intimacy that he was never ever willing to be a part of. He, now, claims that I was messing with his mind for two years...(maybe a combination of his therapist suggesting that, his family suggesting that, and his own illogically-thinking conscience telling himself that)...WHAT???? How on earth could he think that? I spent most of my time trying to make him happy, taking care of him, making the house we had a home. What did he spend his time doing? Sitting is his chair and watching TV. Everything he did do seemed forced or done out of duty or with a half-concerted effort. It gets old crying to your H time and again telling him that you want affection from him, begging him to be like he was at first. But the bottom line is that after he had that committment from me, he quit trying. He quit be thoughtful and sweet. He quit trying. And it was so frustrating to have a husband who didn't want to do the things that newly married husbands (and many oldly <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> married husbands) normally want to do. I mean I felt like the guy in that department! Aaaahhh!!! I need to throw some glass objects at a brick wall!!!

One thing's for sure...he wasn't the person I thought he was. He put on a good show to make me fall for him, but then once we were married, it was like, "Who are you and where did you put the person I thought I married???"

Take care of yourself...thanks for praying for me...I'll continue to pray for ya!

Rae

Rae-

I completely understand. I feel the same way. It is a painful realization to see that all your dreams were just that. I understand that this truth doesnt justify the A, but the condition of the M has to be owned by both people to facilitate rebuilding.

I have come face to face with the fact that it takes two people to restore a broken M. One person just cannot make it happen. Without the effort of two it is doomed to fail.

Please tell me there is life (and happiness) beyond this...

2scared

How are you 2scared? Hope each day is getting a little bit better.

My WH signed the papers on Thursday and I will meet with the mediator next Thursday to do the same so I suppose the dream of what I visioned my marriage to be will officially end as of May 18, 2005 <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> At least I know I stayed true to myself, my vows, and took the high road throughout this whole mess. You rebounded and took the high road too and should be proud of your efforts to reconcile. You are right...it takes 2 for a marriage to work.

WH has obviously decided to live this surreal life with OW and shows no interest in ever trying to rebuild a marriage that once provided so much happiness for the both of us. In fact, the other day, WH seemed awfully happy for someone whose marriage is ending which gives me the feeling he just wants to forget the mess he got himself into while married to me and start again on a clean slate. I suppose his surreal world could crash upon him these next 6 months and he could come knocking on my door in which case I'd listen. I doubt this though since I have given him many chances for redemption and he has done nothing but hurt me now for a year.

It is now time for us to move on to the bigger and better things that lay ahead of us. I am going to start by winning the XC championships tomorrow along with the $250 prize purse so I can treat myself and friends to some cocktails during this beloved holiday season.

-K

Here is what has helped me with closure...a letter that accompanied a package containing the remainder of his stuff that I delivered to his doorstep yesterday:

Dear S,

When I married you, I vowed to make you happy for a lifetime. While I am saddened that our marriage together no longer provides you with the same euphoric happiness that we both felt on our wedding day and I still feel, I want to stay true to my word, my vow to you and if that entails you leaving our marriage to seek out personal happiness then I wish you only the best in your 31st year and beyond. Again, I have no regrets about our wonderful 5 year adventure together…it has provided many of my best lifetime memories. I have grown a lot as a person, a lover, a friend, an athlete, & a business woman over these past 5 years thanks to you and various life happenings. And these past 6 months have allowed me to reflect and practice skills that will help me become a better wife in the future. May your future also bring the same peace and personal happiness I have experienced in my life and especially the past 5 years with you by my side.

Love always & forever,

K

Happy 31st Birthday

K-

Beautiful letter. You are walking out with your head held high. God will provide you with your hearts desire. You will be loved again. Good luck with the competition. Let us know how it goes.

2scared

Thanks 2scared...I had a great time this morning mingling with fellow runners/friends at the cross country championships here in San Diego. I ended up taking 2nd overall winning $100...was very pleased with my race considering I have been focused on Ironman the past several months. After the race, I joined 10 others for breakfast which was a blast. I am happy to take some time off from focused training and indulge/play a little a bit...will be attending several upcoming holiday parties, visiting family/friends, going out more at night, and spending time looking for a new home...all will be good therapy during this rough patch in my life. Hope you are having a great weekend.

-K

2Scared-

There is life and love after this. I know that sometimes it doesn't seem possible...but hand in there.

And even amidst all of this crap, I have some good news. H doesn't want any of the profits from selling the house. He doesn't want anything in the house. He doesn't want to have anything to do with our past, I guess. Sat. he came and got all of his stuff that he owned before the marriage. He must think that he'll get over it faster or something. I actually feel relieved not having his stuff there. I feel like I can begin again on my own, rebuilding the life I never really had...the life of a single person.

Take care--praying for you...
rae

Rae-

For some reason I thought you were at your sisters? I thought he was at the house.

Anyway, I emailed my W and told her I had moved into a bigger apartment and that I wanted to come by and get some more furniture. She was questioning "What furniture" I wanted. Gosh.... I just have some old stuff... I just wanted a dresser and a tv.

This is heating up.... I don't want to be mean. I just want to be loved sometime.

The hardest part is wanting the affection of just being held. I want to curl up on the couch and be held. The warmth of another expressing love. Not sex.... affection. Care.

I miss that. There is life beyond. We will survive. God has a plan and HE will help us through this.

I'm praying for you....

My son is in Iraq...he was in a fire fight thursday night. Scared him a lot. Keep him in your prayers.

2scared

Good morning, 2Scared...

I can't find your book that I printed off for the life of me!!! Could you send me another copy of it? I had closed the email that I gave you earlier b/c my H was upset about it, so I had to create a new acct. It's pandyella@yahoo.com. Thanks!

I didn't know that your son was serving. I will certainly keep him in my prayers. I can't imagine the stress you feel over that situation, much less the whole fiasco with you M. I am praying for you.

I WAS at my sister's. But then her boyfriend moved in and it was terribly uncomfortable and cramped. I was getting in the way. So I then stayed with my grandparents for a few weeks...during that time I was staying at home on weekends and he was staying at home during the week. We were both paying the bills 1/2 and 1/2.

So anyway, when he told me he was gonna file, I think I'd mentioned before that it got ugly. He got physical with me in my grandparents' driveway...soooo...I told him that I wanted to stay in the house full time...he also broke some picture frames and left glass all over the bedroom floor...he might've continued breaking stuff, for all I knew, so I didn't want him to be at the house. So now he's trying to say that he doesn't have to pay for utilities since he's not living there, even though the separation papers say he has to.

So I'm trying to get the house sold right now. There was an offer made yesterday and I countered it. We'll see. I don't know exactly what I'll do if he refuses to pay for 1/2 of the utilities til the house is sold. It's kind of like a Catch 22. I don't have $ for a lawyer to fight for him to pay the utilities. But if he doesn't pay the utilities, I can't afford them on my own. It's really rediculous. I didn't want it to get like this, but he keeps changing his mind about stuff.

I want to buy a little house rather than renting...I hate renting, but I don't know how long I'll even be in this area. So there's something else I have to decide on.

Well, I hope that everything goes well with the furniture and everything. Have a good day.

rae

Hi 2scared,
I am threadjacking! I've sent several messages for you and I see this is the only one you respond to. Just wanted to let you know you and your family are in my prayers!
Will bump previous thread titled: 2scared please read..

WU

rae,

I thought that you might want to know that your H is here posting under the user name of bh76. Here's your H's posts.

Thanks TMCM-- I appreciate your telling me...I figured it out yesterday before I checked "Good Signs". But thanks just the same. Wow...never in my wildest imagination would I have thought that he would care to post. Rae

Your welcome Rae. I hope that his coming here is a sign that he is having second thoughts about the divorce and not just an exercise in getting simpathy to go ahead with it.

Hi TMCM-
I hope that it's the former rather than the latter.
Thanks again for letting me know--
rae