Give me a break!

The kids and I flew out to meet H in NYC for the weekend. If things go according to H's plan, this was probably our last family trip together, as he plans to move out after he returns from his business trip in 2 weeks. We still had a good time and H and I enjoyed each other's company as well as good sex. The good sex has been a respite for both of us during this 3 month crisis, I guess its a physical comfort to both of us. We can be distant emotionally, but take refuge and have some closeness when we make love - its kind of automatic, I guess. So - 3 times this weekend.

At the end of the weekend, before the kids and I left for home, we were talking about our impending breakup. He told me he plans to get a place as soon as he returns (2 more weeks), OW plans to tell her H she wants a divorce, and the two of them are moving in together as soon as possible. We talked about some practicalities (yes, I am accepting this on the surface, although I continually remind H that I love him, that I believe he will be happiest if he stays with me and the kids, that I am not giving up on him. I am not giving up on him until this actually comes to pass. Plan A until the end!)

Anyway, H calls me on my cell phone when we are on our plane, ready for take off. "Well, I hope you are happy! I told my first lie to OW. I promised her I would not have sex with you this weekend. This is not getting things off on the right foot with my new relationship." WHAT??? ....to be faithful to HER? And his foot is not even out the door yet! I can't believe it! He did point out the irony in this situation. I actually had to laugh. I wouldn't say he was overly agressive with me this weekend, but certainly seemed to be enjoying himself. It is kind of funny - me seducing him (my H) and he feels like he is betraying OW! Is this crazy?

Obviously I am not throwing in the towel yet. I had to point out that her even asking for this request seems a little controling pretty early in the game. I must say, it feels a little weird to be say, a bit sarcastically to my H, "don't worry, I won't tell!" HA! Anyway, this is going from painful, to surreal, to comical. Guess H plans to turn over a new leaf with OW and be the faithful partner he couldn't manage to be with me. Too bad she hasn't even told her own H yet that she is leaving him. Isn't this insane? My reaction vacilates from another hurtful reality about his relationship with OW, and having to be a bit smug about turning the tables around for once. This is unreal!

There is no reality in Fogland! My WH doesn't tell his OW that we are having sex (although that has stopped as of today, since I've entered Plan B).

WS are cheaters and liars. They twist their reality to make it all seem OK, hence the complete lack of sense! I love how he blames you for HIS lying! Classic foggified bullsh*t!

WhatamIdoing - I just read your recent post - good luck with the Plan B, you truly have been through enough with this situation, its like something in you just snapped and you are moving forward with clarity.

Everyone I have talked to about my H moving in with OW says the same thing - from his parents, to my parents, to close friends that have known us for years - this will never last, doomed to fail.

But what the h.ll! H is already promising her to be faithful, meaning no sex with me, his W? Remember, my H is the one who started out this new chapter in cheating with "I am not capable of being monagamous". And now he is REALLY TRYING to be faithful to her!! This is such a joke.

My H is heading down the tracks on a train that is totally out of control, and I (and unfortunately, the kids) are along for the ride.
I am dreading telling the kids and dreading him leaving, but at the same time, I want this to be resolved, one way or another. Go live with OW, try to both be faithful, even though neither of you have managed to do that with your former spouses. Yes, you are each other's soul mates, so of course, you will make it, dispite the pain and destruction you leave in your wake. (Two broken marriages, 2 heartbroken kids). Do they really think they can just walk off into the sunset together and live happily ever after?

They will not be happily ANYTHING in time, EH. You can pretty much bank on it. They are destroying lives because they are so selfish. They are both addicted to each other.

WH like to cake-eat, and he attempt to milk you for all it's worth, so be prepared for this. She is NOT your replacement, try to remember that. NO one will ever replace the mother of his children who he has already built a life with!

WH's want a harem, WW's want a replacement. At least that is going for us! Keep Plan A-ing. The key to that is NO LOVEBUSTING under ANY circumstances. Control everything you say at all times. Change the subject if an argument is looming. And NEVER EVER ask about the OW, he will only defend her and put up his walls to you. These Plan A tips come straight from Steve Harley.

This rollercoaster ride totally stinks, and there is no way to slow it down. You lose control of the situation, but you'll feel so much better if you are in complete control of yourself. I felt better in Plan A when I had something to focus on (no LB's, no A talk, etc.).

Everhopeful,
I do a lot more lurking here than posting, but I had to reply to let you know that this so-called faithfulness between WS's and OP's must be the norm. My WH and his OW have a pact to tell eachother everything. He even tells her everytime he and I have sex. YUCK!!! Of course she then gets mad and pouts and he runs to her to make up.

Whatever!

I have cut off sex between us recently, because I just couldn't stand that he's still in love with her even though he tells me he still loves me too. If this is love, I want no part of it.

That's really all I had to say. If it didn't hurt so damn much, you'd almost have to laugh at them, huh?

L&A

Dont listen to the fog...i got the same treatment...it is so weird...us becoming the OW overnight. I think it is their quilt and shame doing its magic...i believe they have to think this way to make their affair seemed right.

What you can do is continue to plan A...but dont let it get to you...not easy to do but i am sure you are strong enough

WS's are all the same! Their puppeteer has got them all on the same string!

I kicked WH out the first time in early July. Then, I Plan A'd for a while.

I kicked him out a second time about a month later (couldn't take his lies anymore, caught him several times calling OW on his cell phone while we were together).

WH's sister asked him at that time, what OW thought of him spending so much time with his wife lately.

WH said that OW didn't know that he had even seen me since the first time I kicked him out!

But of course, they are all faithful and truthful with each other! In their sick, fog-filled minds, they are good, nice, kind, moral people. In WHAT UNIVERSE, I ASK!!!!

LIES, LIES, LIES! ALL LIES!

Bunch of STUPID DUMMIES! (this is one of my favorite endearments about - STUPID DUMMIES)

But of course, it's all the truth to them.

K

when are you going to plan b...

and have you established that your children are not to be exposed to overnights with any strange adults....

your husband is in for a rude rude awakening..

even "healthly" divorces...in which the demise is not based on indidelity...

people should take a year off to mourn what has passed ....

this includes the children....

and really process the thing...

jumping ship like this is damanation at best...

I pity your husband...
but you should be choosing out of this chaos very soon...
and make sure the children are not expected to be forced to play happy home with dad and new piece of work...

ARK

Thanks for these replies. Plan A to the bitter end. Best not to discuss OW as suggested. However, as he and OW make THEIR plans and set THEIR timelines for leaving there respective spouses and moving in together, I keep reminded my H that the kids will be staying with me for some time before they are exposed to OW. That he can come take them out when she is not present.
Its really a practicality - he needs to be aware of this situation and accept the reality of not seeing the kids the way we originally plannned.

But maybe this makes it easier on them? No kids around means more freedom and playtime for them, right? But won't H miss his kids? I should say so. Will he miss me? I think so too.

Anyway, I continue to remind him that nothing can't be undone, that he can change his mind anytime and we can still save our marriage and family. Not begging, not pleading, just matter of fact in a strong, confidant voice. I do let him see my tears - afterall, this is a sad situation and he needs to know how much it hurts me. Every morning, I wake up to my worst nightmare coming true.

Yes - he is totally in the fog. Needs to keep it that way to move forward with THEIR plan. If the head starts to clear, he would have to back down from this place he has gotten himself to. He might actually allow himself to feel guilt, might see what he is giving up, might realize that he still loves me and that we have a great life together. Oh well. Wish I didn't feel so helpless!

Hey there,

Interesting how they can be SO faithful to the OW...grrrr..

Have you exposed this to OWH? This is part of Plan A, and who else have you exposed to?

When he moves out is a good time for Plan B, have you thought about that?

But maybe this makes it easier on them? No kids around means more freedom and playtime for them, right? But won't H miss his kids? I should say so. Will he miss me? I think so too.


NO , jmo , this is where the reality of being the OP ,, comes in ....and you 2 being the parents forever ...

As long as you and H agree to parent the same way , this will eventually hurt there R.

See the OP becomes spoiled thinking they are "1"

But reality is the kids are . MY H'S OW couldn't stand the fact that kids where not around her ...

She would start fights all the time , saying how can there R be NORMAL if the kids weren't in it ?

BUT H and I didn't want that ,,, for our children.

I mean they would have been in time down the raod . BUT not any time soon !

NO sporting events , no school activitys ect. and this does get the OP fighting mad .

Stay strong and make sure you are both on same page about kids !

also I would have exposed the A to her H as well . Just my 2 cents .

this is so funny! that is one of the many arguments I have with my WH..how he seems to be more protective of the OW than me...and the lies!!!! He has lied to her from the beginning by saying he was leaving me and we were divorcing...and he NEVER said either of those things to me.....

I emailed the OW about 3 weeks ago to let her know that he was still telling me that he wanted this to work and that he NEVER told me he was leaving or ever asked for a divorce....not sure
what transpired b/w the 2 of them...but I am guessing it could not have been good!!!

How do people do this?!?!?!?!!?!?!?! THen get mad at US for the pain they cause?!?!?!?!!?!?!!? I am struggling with this issue...

this is so funny! that is one of the many arguments I have with my WH..how he seems to be more protective of the OW than me...and the lies!!!! He has lied to her from the beginning by saying he was leaving me and we were divorcing...and he NEVER said either of those things to me.....

I emailed the OW about 3 weeks ago to let her know that he was still telling me that he wanted this to work and that he NEVER told me he was leaving or ever asked for a divorce....not sure
what transpired b/w the 2 of them...but I am guessing it could not have been good!!!

How do people do this?!?!?!?!!?!?!?! THen get mad at US for the pain they cause?!?!?!?!!?!?!!? I am struggling with this issue...

this is so funny! that is one of the many arguments I have with my WH..how he seems to be more protective of the OW than me...and the lies!!!! He has lied to her from the beginning by saying he was leaving me and we were divorcing...and he NEVER said either of those things to me.....

I emailed the OW about 3 weeks ago to let her know that he was still telling me that he wanted this to work and that he NEVER told me he was leaving or ever asked for a divorce....not sure
what transpired b/w the 2 of them...but I am guessing it could not have been good!!!

How do people do this?!?!?!?!!?!?!?! THen get mad at US for the pain they cause?!?!?!?!!?!?!!? I am struggling with this issue...

this is so funny! that is one of the many arguments I have with my WH..how he seems to be more protective of the OW than me...and the lies!!!! He has lied to her from the beginning by saying he was leaving me and we were divorcing...and he NEVER said either of those things to me.....

I emailed the OW about 3 weeks ago to let her know that he was still telling me that he wanted this to work and that he NEVER told me he was leaving or ever asked for a divorce....not sure
what transpired b/w the 2 of them...but I am guessing it could not have been good!!!

How do people do this?!?!?!?!!?!?!?! THen get mad at US for the pain they cause?!?!?!?!!?!?!!? I am struggling with this issue...

This is the real kicker:

"Too bad she hasn't even told her own H yet that she is leaving him."

It sounds like OW is cake eating! Don't be surprised if she backs out and does not leave her H!

Rose