I am now nine months from D day and still don't have a day when I don't hurt. We have just come back from a lovely holiday abroad where I spent two weeks with my eldest daughter. H and I spent the entire holiday having a great time and I was really starting to feel better until Friday.

I had his cellphone in my handbag and on Friday I switched it on to check if there were any messages and found the following message:

"Hi, I was thinking of you this morning and will give you a ring later. Me"

This was from a former female colleague of his. . .someone whom he should actually have no contact with at all. He swears by all things holy that he had phoned her a couple of times during the past month because she used to work for a company that he deals with and the person who took her place is thinking of leaving and he knew that she was wanting to get her old job back so he phoned her to let her know that the job may be vacant again. I think he is telling the truth but I think it was once again him being "Mr Charm" on the phone to her and that made her think she could sms him and "chat". He couldn't understand why I was so angry about the sms. . .all it did was trigger me off because that is how I found out about his affair. . .from the calls he had been making from his cellphone.

Am I overreacting? I spent the whole weekend feeling sick and depressed and wonder if he will ever change. He constantly feels the need to "flirt" with woman and in the light of his four year affair I just cannot handle it any more.

Please tell me how I deal with this sort of behaviour without sounding like a neurotic *****. I sometimes wish I could just stop caring about him.

I just feel so down this morning. . .over the weekend I was physically sick and I thought I was at least past that stage.

Enid

Enid, I sometimes think I will never have a day without hurt ever again in my life. But thats as it always was - the bitter with the sweet in life, its just that we have a recurring topic for hurt nowadays....

Regarding you H, I think you should open a POJA and radical honesty discussion with him.

All and any communications with othe rparties should be performed in your full knowledge until such times as you are happy for them not to.

NOT so you can 'police' them, but as a loving courtesy to avoid exactly situations such as yours.

FACT IS if your H had nothing to hide, he would've told you IN ADVANCE and POJAed with you before contacting this woman.

I have this challenge with my FWW too, but I am not so far down the path to recovery as you are.

I think your FWS will be angry but if you present th case calmly I think he will accept the need for openness in communication. And , if he does NOT accept it.....he has something to hide IMO, sorry.

All blessings Enid, you WILL be happy again one day. Look how far you have come since d-day alone? You would've given RICHES back then to feel only the hurt you feel today !

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Bob, thanks for your reply. I am really hurting today and was in need of some comfort. The problem with my H is that he CANNOT discuss his affair without getting angry. All he keeps saying is that "its over and in the past and I don't want to talk about it". Consequently we have never really discussed the A and I have just gotten through my pain on my own.

Don't misunderstand. . .he has been loving and kind over the past nine months. . .but if any mention of the A is made he just gets angry and yells at me. Even over the sms he got angry and told me I was being stupid to think that anything was going on. He deals with any emotional discussion with anger and consequently I have never had "closure".

Did you think that I overreacted about the sms? In view of his past behaviour I thought I had every right to be angry. . .he just accuses me of being stupid and neurotic and says that whilst he was having the A he was depressed to the point of suicide and that he would never put himself through that again.

I can't help but think that everything is always about him and that he makes no effort to understand my pain and hurt.

Enid

You did not overreact to the SMS. Your husband's angry responses show at least that he is unwilling to make himself uncomfortable to help you to deal with the affair.

I would suggest MC for you folks, although I bet your H will be angry and dismissive of that too.

Enid, I'm sorry but I think your H shows every sign of having a lot to hide, even now.

Seek an intermediary like a good pro-marriage MC and start to have hard discussions.

Your H cannot possibly expect you to sweep the A under the rug without having discussed and examined the reasons for it, the fallout from it and the lessons learned from it. There can be no persistent recovery without that.

Loving and kind are nice, but not the same as faithful. He was "loving and kind" while he had the A remember ?

I feel there is good reason for your disquiet and hurt Enid.

Maybe this SMS is the catalyst you need to trigger your H into contributing painful things to your recovery.

^

^

Enid,

I don't think you over-reacted. And I don't like the fact that your H calls you stupid and neurotic. These are very hurtful disrespectful judgements.

Are you two in MC during this recovery? Is your H willing to implement the MB concepts which Bob has brought up?

I like Bob's answer to you about the POJA being in place.

My H doesn't think we need MC. . .he thinks our marriage is fine. The affair is over and should be buried in his opinion. He is not open to discussion about the affair at all and certainly not open to any kind of therapy. I am currently seeing a psychiatrist and am on anti-depressants.

We have no POJA in place and he continues life as if nothing happened. The A is not mentioned and he expects me to have gotten over it already.

I am sorry for my whining today but I am really feeling very sad and sorry for myself. Having a real pity party. It was the sms that set me off.. prior to that I was doing okay or as well as anyone can do that's H had a four year affair with a woman old enough to be his daughter.

I just sometimes feel I hate him and just want to walk away from the entire mess but 38 years is a long time and its not easy to just walk away from that.

I think my H has a problem in that he always feels the need to flirt with other woman and in the case of this sms I think that is exactly what has happened. He phoned her, flirted with her and she felt that gave her the opening to sms and phone him back. I don't know what he feels is lacking in his life that he needs this constant attention from other woman. He has done this our entire life and I HATE IT. . . .ESPECIALLY NOW THAT I KNOW HE HAD A PHYSICAL AFFAIR. I am sure that's how the affair started. . .with his "harmless flirting" (which is how he views it). But for me its no longer "harmless flirting" - its hurtful and it continues to erode my love for him.

^

Hi Enid,
Is there really any such thing as "harmless flirting" when one is married? The purpose of flirting is to give and receive sexually tittalating attention, isn't it? Puts the marriage in a perilous situation since the door is open to the sexy attention of others.
Your feelings are normal for someone in your situation dear one. It's the pits.
The message you intercepted on his phone did not strike me as a "business" call, but a personal, familiar, friendly one. I agree with your gut, and your husband's anger does nothing to dispel that since anger is a common guilty response.
If he refuses to talk, I would prayerfully consider further action on your part that expresses concretely to him the extent of your agony.