I have not done the best plan A in history. One year down the track my H is still talking of leaving me. As far as I am aware the A is over but he can't deal with the person I had become, I was sad and angry much of the time.
I go through stages of wishing he would leave me so that I could have a chance to be with someone who wouldn't hurt me,
BUT
I love him, I've spent half my life loving him, he is the father of my kids and they love him. He is a good man who did a bad thing.
SO
I have spent the past 4 days learning to be a new me:

I am learning to make myself happy rather than relying on him.
I am learning to control myself and not share my pain with him.
I am learning to be calm.
I am learning to meet his needs even if he doesn't meet mine.
I am learning that anger doesn't acheive any positive results.

I know if I can keep working on me I will only benefit from it. He may stay with me or he may decide to leave but I will know that I am a better person.

I hope tomorrow I feel as strong and as comitted as I feel today.

S

Good for you Arty.

It took me a long time to become happy regardless of outward influences. But the desire is the first step.

My mom use to tell us that if you can do something for two weeks, it becomes a habit. Don't know if this is true in becoming happy, but if you can get in the habit of doing things that make you happy, then that is half the battle. Like taking a walk in the evening, painting, knitting - anything that brings you joy.

For me when I listen to music, cook or garden it always calms me down and brings me peace.

You just keep at it and it will become who you are.

hi Weaver,
Thanks for the encouragement.
I know that excepting your faults is a huge step. Each day I wake up sad for all my loses, so I have start to list what
I am grateful for and then I count the days I have felt in control of my actions.
I have been so down I used to curl up in bed as soon as I could each evening. I won't do that anymore, I want to seize the day and make every day precious.
I'm looking forward to this being me without even trying.

BTW, my H still finds what to complain about; I speak to slowly, he is in a bad mood and doesn't want to be touched. Left for work about 1 1/2 hours earlier than usual - said he couldn't sleep. He has never been a morning person. I've let it all slide.

S

Good job, Arty! Just keep doing what you are doing and you will give your H reason to want to be with you. Whenever you feel like lambasting him, ask yourself if you would want to be with someone who lambasted you? Should he WANT to be with you?

From the sounds of it, it seems you are catching on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Melodylane,
Thanks for your continued support.
I do hope I can keep it up.
I spent the last 20 years of my life never doubting his love for me and now I doubt if he does love me. It is so hard to deal with.
I also get scared that what ever I do he will not be happy cos he just wants out and wants me to be the reason for it.

I worry how long I can maintain the calm without feeling anything in return from him.
I feel as if he is testing me and hoping I will fail.

Now that I have expressed all my fears- I will keep calm, as happy as possible and enjoy all the positives that life has offered me. And they are plenty!

S

Hi Arty,

Hope you are doing good today.

You know when things were really bad for me and I could barely get out of bed, well I could barely function at all, I went to the doctor and he put me on Lexapro. That helped me alot. It was so bad for me I was getting severe anxiety attacks at work and while driving.

Anyway the doctor told me to make a list of 10 things I wanted out of life and bring them the next appt. I couldn't come up with one darn thing, not one. So then he told to just put down one or two things, even so small as a new outfit or getting my teeth whitened. Really shallow stuff. It took awhile but now I have a whole list of stuff I want from my life, and have gotten a few of them.

He also starts every conversation with me like this - (Weaver) who cares what other people think of you? I say, not me! Then he says what difference does it make what others think? And I say none, none at all! I still see him every month, and he won't let me go off of Lexapro for atleast another year, but things are good now.

Well it sounds silly but it's true. My unhappiness came because of my feeling like I didn't measure up. Now I know that you get back what you give out in terms of love, and nothing else matters.

Arty, once you become happy regardless of what anyone else does, your husband will change too. He will be drawn into your happiness.

Take it one day at a time, and if that is too hard, one hour at a time.

You really sound like you are getting there like Melody said.

Weaver

Hi Weaver,

Thanks for caring and for sharing your story.

I have tried a few anti-ds but they made me feel so unwell I could cope even less with life. I eventually decided I am sad cos I have good reason to be. When things are good I will be happy. For the moment I must find a new way to make life good for me.

My IC asked me what dreams I have for my future. I too had nothing to say. I still can't think of much other than get out of this mess with as few scars as possible.

I'm glad to hear that things are good for you Weaver. It really helps to know there can be happy endings.

I know I feel sad cos of my lack of worth and not knowing who I am if I'm not my H's W. I have learnt that happiness must come from within and not cos of what someone else does or gives you. But living this is still hard for me.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He will be drawn into your happiness. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">At the moment it feels like we bring each other down but I'm looking forward to that prospect.

With that in mind I focus on me, my kids, staying calm and happy.

I look forward to sharing my recovery with you.

S