Coasterride - I hear no mention of a faith in God in your postings, so I won't go there.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JL-Yes, I know I have to speak up. The problem is I am a huge conflict avoider. Plus, I'm not sure how to bring it up and what exactly to say. That is why I have written letters because I have time to think about what to say with no interruptions. But I do have to sit down with W and discuss our situation. It just makes it harder because I live overseas in her country and if we split up I'm not sure I could stay here but couldn't stand to not be with my D's. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This was something you posted to JL about 2 weeks ago that is still relevant, and will be relevant, throughout your recovery. INACTION
will make your fears come true. When the boat is sinking, either you bail water and make repairs, or it WILL sink. Most of us are "conflict avoiders" to some degree, but you get little sympathy from the rest of us if you LET it control what needs to be done so that you "lose" through inaction. NOT all marriages ARE recovered following an affair, but INACTION based in FEAR will make your fears come true every time.
With respect to your current issue...of course your wife went to see him. It does not matter WHY or WHAT the reason, the fact is that any contact starts the withdrawal process all over again for her.
The WHY is the pain of withdrawal, as it is with any addiction. The WHAT is that she gets a "fix" for her emotional and physical pain from seeing him, talking to him, touching him.... The pain stops for her until the fix begins to wear off. Then the withdrawal pain hits again. Either someone goes THROUGH withdrawal, or they succumb and have to start again and again and again...or they live as an addict.
YOU don't help an addict by ignoring the problem or allowing them to think they can "get away with it." So of course you lovingly confront your wife about the trip. She WILL very likely get angry and accusatory. She will get mad that you are "checking up on her" and that you "don't believe her." Okay, so what? She has PROVEN that she is NOT trustworthy and that she lies. She has proven that she will not volunteer information about any contact or attempted contact and has thus "told you" that you are going to have to "catch her" through checking up on her. Since you love her and your marriage, as distasteful as checking up on her is to you, you WILL do that to help her through withdrawal and through recovery.
Here is the bottom line that you MUST insist upon and that your wife must agree to: there must be complete NO CONTACT with the OM, not for any reason, for the rest of her life.
Marriage is "forsaking ALL others" for your spouse. Just like heroin or other addictive drugs, the user DOES get a high. They do feel good. It is thrilling, but it's a "fantasy thrill." But then the amount needed to keep the same high keeps increasing, the cost to maintain the high keeps increasing, and all the ugly sides of an addiction begin to creep in. It's a fantasy world where a "fix" makes you feel momentarily good, but then you crash and reality hits. You lie, cheat, steal, do anything to get that "next fix." You attack those who are trying to help you and you scream, yell, and accuse everyone else in a effort to deflect having to face personal responsibility for your actions. You become a person that you would normally hate and do things that would normally disgust you, if you saw it in someone else, much less in yourself.
Coasterride, YOU need to commit to yourself that YOU will not tolerate or agree to any contact with the OM by your wife. The pull of withdrawal is HARD. It took 2 years for my wife to "break free" from her contacting her single OM, so I know about what I am telling you.
But while you must insist upon No Contact, YOU also need to be examining your marriage and figuring out what "Needs" you were NOT meeting that left your wife the ability to "convince herself" that it was "okay" to commit adultery to get her needs met.
YOU must commit to Plan A and to making the needed changes within yourself. As much as we BS's don't like to admit it, much of the marital "atmosphere" is our responsibility. Many of our mistakes are based in ignorance, but once you understand what Emotional Needs are, you no longer have an excuse. Either you DO the hard work to change habits, change deficiencies, and make yourself concerned about each other's needs, or you leave your marriage vulnerable to affairs and divorce. Period. Change or die. You choose.
"Conflict avoider" is an excuse. Excuses don't cut it anymore. How about "Meeting her Needs avoider?" How about "Improving Myself Avoider?" How about "I don't REALLY care about my marriage Avoider?" How about "I don't really need painful surgery to get the cancer out Avoider?" In short, "conflict avoider" is merely a way to let yourself LIE to yourself. "Don't address the problem and it will 'go away' all on it's own." It NEVER works, but here's something to think about: if you keep doing the same things over and over again that didn't work, why would you expect the outcome to be any different? CHANGE is the only way to affect a different outcome. What is needed is POSITIVE CHANGE. So get busy NOW!
Coasterride, the average recovery timeframe is 2 years. The two of you, in my humble opinion, have not even started recovery yet, or at best are at the very beginning. And you'll STAY at the beginning as long as witdrawal is NOT gone through. It typically takes 3-6 weeks to get through the "intense" part of withdrawal, but the addictive "pull" of ending the affair will still be around for a long time. Hence the length of time to recover a marriage. Hence the need to put into place "safeguards" or "extreme measures" to prevent future contact. The cell phone goes, or at least the number is changed and unlisted. Etc.
While I certainly feel sorry for you that you are now a "member of our club of betrayed husbands," I don't think it does one bit of good to just "commiserate" with you. ACTION is required. As another "conflict avoider" let me simply tell you that your marriage is on the line and you don't have the option of avoiding conflict. Conflict IS upon you and WILL destroy your marriage if you don't ACT. Yes, it is hard and it may be painful, but too bad...as the saying goes. We don't always get to "pick our battles." Your marriage is under attack from an OM who could care less about YOU or your children. This is WAR and you better stop the Neville Chamberlain approach immediately.
God bless. Good luck. Get started!
<small>[ September 27, 2004, 06:59 AM: Message edited by: ForeverHers ]</small>
