I guess I need some motivation. I notice that there are a lot of others in plan B, too. I think it would be helpful for everyone to hear some success stories.

For me, It has been 8 days since I've seen my H, and I haven't talked to him since last Tuesday. I get little urges here and there to call him because I miss him. (but I won't!) I'm even having urges to call his favorite sister - the one that he confides in. I guess just to give her my side of the story. He always makes himself out to be the victim.

I'm a little disappointed, I guess, that he hasn't called me. From what I read of others being in plan B, their spouses usually fight being in plan B and try to make contact. Mine seems to have gone darker than I've gone. I guess he really doesn't care about me after all.

Anyway, I need some hope, so please share your stories.

svb

Bump, and comment.

There are some that I remember, but I can't remember names so you can search.

SS

HI...after i sent my plan b letter, i didnt hear from my WH for about 3 weeks.

I would like to to hear some plan b sucess stories also.

A/C0810

Hi fellow Plan B'ers,

I can share my story. I was in Plan A for about six months...did pretty well, few LB's. WH's contact and lying continued. I filled EN's when I could. I certainly endured all the angry outbursts, fog talk, unavailability and moodiness that comes with that. During that Plan A, I came here, relied on family and friends, exercised, prayed and worked on me.

WH was going on an overseas trip. I grappled with going to Plan B before or after. I could not take it anymore and with the blessing of SH, I went to Plan B before WH's trip....so it was somewhat easy for me to not be in contact.

I planned my time...had something planned each day he was gone. Some little things, like a workout or going to the video store to big things, like a spa or overnight trip. I never really missed him except when I was not busy...there is a clue here...Plan B'ers!

The first week, he would just leave me messages and tell me he was okay. The start of the second week, he continued to leave me messages with his hotel's phone number. He started to ask why I didn't leave him messages. At the end of the second week, he rang me about eight times in two hours...I did not pick up. The following morning, he called about three times in fifteen minutes and I finally picked up because it was freaking me out. We talked a little and then I referred him to the letter. He agreed to them...I said I think about if he could come home. I counseled with SH. SH suggested I ask WH to attend MB weekend....I asked WH to attend and he immediately agreed. We just attended the MB weekend and WH made appt. with SH earlier this week.

I hope this will give you some motivation and hope. I am pretty sure that WH will have a hard withdrawal and will fall off the wagon and make contact. But I now understand the purpose and recommendations of Plan B. That is, I was glad not to be in Plan A anymore...it was draining me. It is TRUE that you have to have love left for recovery. I was also happy to be in Plan B because it removed me from the chaos and helped me to heal and become stronger. I was okay with however, it was going to go. I had actually expected Plan B to go for two or three months, not weeks. (Which means I did not get all the closet-cleaning that I wanted to get done. LOL Plus, I was going to buy really frilly, pink sheets and remake the house into a "dollhouse" with flowers and lace everywhere. haha)

I hope this helps you. Stay strong and stay busy in Plan B. Pitch black dark protects you and accomplishes your goal better than contact.

May God watch over us in this struggle.

<small>[ September 30, 2004, 12:53 PM: Message edited by: SureSurvivor ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by svb1:
<strong>I'm even having urges to call his favorite sister - the one that he confides in.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why don't you?

Did exposure of the affair provide her with your facts?

BTW, I am a Plan B success story - but not the type of success I believe you mean. So, I say even if Plan B "fails" it is successful.

I'm only in day 5, so I'd love any input from others, too. I just send out my letter (see my posts) and am a nervous wreck, but at the same time relieved.

We could email each other, if anyone is interested.

My email addy: littlemoon@adelphia.net

Thanks, SureSurvivor, that's the type of story I need to hear! I am very glad that it is working out for you. I hope things continue to go well for you.

WAT, yeah, I was looking for plan B success stories where the WS came back to the M. But I understand that plan B can actually lead to the M ending. If that is what happens, I will be OK with that, too - well, maybe after a little more time passes, anyway.

I haven't called my SIL. I have never exposed an A to her or the rest of his family because I never found absolute proof that he was/is in an A. He never admitted to anything, either. As a matter of fact, I have heard conversations of his with his sister where he has told her that I accuse him of having an A. He is making me out to be the insecure, jealous W. He is making himself out to be the "good guy" and the victim in our M. He is "tired" of suffering for so many years in our M. He is "tired" of trying. (trying? how?) He tells her he feels like he is in prison and is longing to be "free." It just makes me soo angry to hear these things. I can even imagine him telling her now that he is out of the house because of his job and that I "told" him not to come home - leaving out everything else that I've told him. This is why I wanted to call her.

BTW, this is the sister who always talked to me about how difficult it is to live with someone like my H. She always has asked me how he is treating me. She has told me that I could always call/write if I needed to talk to her about her brother. (His whole family is in another country).
But despite all of this, she is his family, and I know that she will ultimately side with him. That is why I hesitate to call.

A/C and WAID, I'm sorry that you guys are suffering, too, in plan B. Plan B is tougher than I thought it would be. You can email is web_nomad_01@hotmail.com, if you like.

Also, I did a search on "plan B success" which gave me some stuff to read. You might want to try that if you haven't already.

svb

<small>[ September 30, 2004, 03:30 PM: Message edited by: svb1 ]</small>

Plan B Success?
I'm not sure if I qualify, but here goes, AFTER I concentrated and followed my PLAN B my W did return to our M and gave signs of fog clearing. My W agreed to counseling, agreed to No Contact, but my Plan B wasn't perfect..in fact once I finally got my head in the right place to detach..the next thing I knew she was wanting to reconcile. I failed at Plan B twice, but did finally manage a couple weeks of no contact with my W as I became stronger with my boundaries in place. My story is unique because I found MB so late in the process of these infidelities. My A began 10 years ago and ended 5 years ago, My W's A began 5 years lasted through our separation and then ended 3 years ago right before our reconciliation, the only problem was my W's PA had turned into an EA for the last couple years and it wasn't until then that I found MB in July 2004. I awoke one day to the reality that I had lost all that mattered in my life and swiftly started doing everything that I could to restore my M. I can honestly say that I fought 4 years to get my W back, 2 to convince her to come back home, and it took another 2 years after that to get her to let go of OM...and now thanks to MB/PlanB/Radical Honesty/POJA/EN's it has taken us 4 months to get the No Contact Letter, the open access to all phone numbers, email accounts, counseling sessions etc. I think my W's quick turn around during Plan B can be attributed to a long Plan A. My W really need to travel her own road, come to her own conclusions, realize the grass isn't greener just different, she had to remember so many things, and not so-much forget so many others, but FORGIVE me for my mistakes. The MB principles that I've implemented have given me strenght, though I haven't had a session with Dr. Harley I do read as much as possible. Dr. Harleys principles make so much sense and the CAN save you much time and agony. Nothing wakes up a fence-sitter/cake-eater like Plan B, but please only use PLAN B if you've done an ADEQUATE Plan A. Have you done a PLAN A that will work for you during your Plan B? Have you made changes during Plan A that will make give your WS that soft place to fall in Plan B? I hope the answer is yes for all of you, but the catch is, only you know the answer to those questions.

I understand that plan B can actually lead to the M ending.

I would disagree with this statement. Sometimes, the M is going to end, no matter what. It is impossible to tell which ones will end, and which ones will recover. So you do your best plan A, followed by a good plan B. Sometimes plan B leads to a recovery, and sometimes the M ends anyway, inspite of your best efforts. BUT plan B restores your dignity - your sense of self worth. After months of tolerating the WS's affair, fog talk, nasty mood swings, all the stuff that comes with along with the A, and trying to always appear "positive and upbeat", going to plan B finally gives you the chance to sit back and spend some time alone, on yourself, concentrating on your own healing.

In my case - my M ended in a D. But once I went to plan B, I no longer had to hear my H tell me that "he only left because I was a bad wife, I forced him into an affair, if I had been a better wife he wouldn't have left..." I listened to that stuff for a few months, then went to plan B and gave myself a chance to recover from it. Now, I am divorced, but my ex and I truly became friends again. If I had listened to anymore of his fog talk I don't think I would be able to stand to look at him right now.
I feel like a very succesful plan B. I know it is not the story you are looking for - and in the beginning I had hoped for a different end to my plan B as well. But I have no regrets today.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by svb1:
<strong>I haven't called my SIL. I have never exposed an A to her or the rest of his family because I never found absolute proof that he was/is in an A. He never admitted to anything, either. As a matter of fact, I have heard conversations of his with his sister where he has told her that I accuse him of having an A. He is making me out to be the insecure, jealous W. He is making himself out to be the "good guy" and the victim in our M. He is "tired" of suffering for so many years in our M. He is "tired" of trying. (trying? how?) He tells her he feels like he is in prison and is longing to be "free." It just makes me soo angry to hear these things. I can even imagine him telling her now that he is out of the house because of his job and that I "told" him not to come home - leaving out everything else that I've told him. This is why I wanted to call her.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Call her and explain your suspicions EXACTLY as you explained them to us.

Do it calmly and sincerely - without emotion. Explain that you're getting guidance from folks with LOTS of affair knowledge and everything your H is doing is textbook affair behavior. This includes re-writing the marriage history and projecting all blame onto the betrayed spouse. Then ask her, "What else could it be?"

After this, express your love for your H and your desire to recover the marriage because you have learned that not only is this possible, but it usually results in a better marriage.

DO NOT seek her intervention. DO NOT expect to convince her right off the bat. DO NOT have this conversation more than once. Just plant the seeds of doubt about the story she's hearing from your H.

Time will do the rest.

But it might not take any time at all. I did exactly this with one of my WS's sisters (although much sooner after discovery) and she immediately put two and two together, stating, "Now things are starting to make sense! Some of her explanations just didn't hold together!"

WAT

FM, thanks for your post. I am glad you are in recovery and hope that your M continues to improve. I remember when you joined MB. Now you have already been through plan A, plan B, and now are in recovery. I am only just starting plan B and I joined in March! What's up with that?
(Don't get me wrong, I am happy for you.)

Oh, and I know I did a good enough plan A. He noticed changes in me. It got him a little confused.

WOF5, thank you for your post as well. I understand what you are saying about plan B. I think I am understanding plan B a little better as each day goes by. He is not around to make me feel like a failure. I feel like I am beginning to rediscover the "real" me. I don't know if I'm making any sense. If my M ends, it will not be the end of the world. I will just have a new beginning. I am preparing for that new beginning now.

I'll give you an example of him making me feel bad about myself. Last night I went to a baseball game. I got cold. I was shivering, despite having a jacket on. I can't help it. I am always cold. I had a thought while I was there and cold. If my H were there, he would most likely have gotten mad at me. Yes, for being cold. He would often tell me to stop shivering or chattering my teeth because it is "not cold." He would not be kidding, either. I would actually feel stupid for being cold.
I might get to enjoy plan B enough that I REALLY won't want him back.

WAT, I might still contact my SIL. I am still thinking about it. It might be a little awkward. I might send her a letter. That way I can say exactly what I want. I just won't have her direct feedback.

Thanks again, all.

<small>[ October 01, 2004, 01:08 PM: Message edited by: svb1 ]</small>

I re-read my last post and I realize that it probably seems ridiculous that I would let someone make me feel stupid for being cold. Most of the time I would just blow off his reactions like that. It's just that after years and years of hearing stuff like that, it starts to sink in.
I don't even know how I/we got to this point.

It's to the point that I don't even recognize what is going on. Others point it out to me. "How can you let him say that to you?" "Don't you ever get mad?" I say, "say what?" To me, this is NORMAL.

I am waking up.

Hi -

I keep wondering how you are doing.

What you describe (about being cold) seems to happen often. That is, one person often feels differently about the air temperature than others around them. What concerns me is the way he treated you. That part happens not as much, but any of it is too often. I consider it emotional abuse.

You will probably discover many more things as you are distant from him. It won't take the pain away, because I can tell you love him, but I think it will help you in your plan.

I honestly don't think you ought to take him back until he works things out with you in counseling. Right now I see no reason why he would be willing. His state of mind is one of total entitlement - he's always right, and you are always wrong. His actions - the things you have posted about, show contempt, not love.

After reading your posts down through the months, I don't believe for a minute that you are always wrong. You reason well, you care..........you just didn't know how to deal with a dishonest manipulator.

Now, perhaps my statements about him could be considered a DJ, but based on what you have told us, this is how I see things. I don't believe any person should have to live with these things. When a person is treated this way for a long time, it begins to take away their basic human dignity. I think you are beginning to see what you have lost by having him there, not what you have lost by having him away.

If he does decide he wants to return to the marriage, please make clear your boundaries. I think this is something you can do no matter if he comes, or stays away. You will need them for your future relationship(s) no matter if it is with him, or someone else. My feeling is that you SHOULD NOT let him return without agreeing to, and working out these issues in counseling before he comes home. Were he to come home today without this, you would be plunged back into the chaos - and I don't think you need that.

You sound stressed, but OK. I guess that is about right, all things taken into consideration. I believe you will do well - in the long term. Short term it is going to be hard, but I still think you can do this and be emotionally OK.

God be with you.

SS.

I say, "say what?" To me, this is NORMAL.

I ABSOLUTELY understand what you are saying here.
When you start to have a little time for yourself, you start to see things like this.
This does not sound ridiculous to me at all. It sounds typical when you are M to someone who is self centered - and lets face it, most of us, as the BS, were married to a very selfish person.

I remember when my ex and I would be in the car, driving for a long time,and I would have to go to the bathroom. He would get so angry. "Why do you have to go NOW? Can't you just hold it - I hate pulling off the freeway, I just want to get where we are going?"

Consequently, when I had to go I would hold it as long as I could, so that I wouldn't upset him. I would sit there thinking to myself "Ok, I could probably hold it abother 40 miles, after all he is in a hurry to get there, and the kids are in the car so I don't want to make him mad."

Fast forward, to today. a year and a half ago he left me for OW. Said she was pefect for him - he actually said that she is "exactly like him, she IS HIM, without a penis, they are exactly alike" (I swear to you - he said that)

Now, he and OW are no longer together. turns out the only thing they really had in common was their selfish attitude. And now I get to hear stories from him, all about what things wee REALLY like during their A. Apparantly they had a long car trip together once and she was on her cell phone the entire time. She talked to her mom, her friends, her sister, you name it. He said she did not put the phone down once. He was so angry with he for totally ignoring him.

So....here he had a wife who would grit her teeth and hold it to keep him from getting mad. I never talked on the phone in the car - preferred to use that time to visit with him. But he left me for someone who had no respect for him or his time at all.

Does he have regrets? You better believe it.

Can I take him back? Not on your life. I hear him saying one thing - but acting a different way. And I can see all the red flags that were there in our relationship - all the stuff I used to ignore. Now I look back and realize I was over looking a lot that I shouldn't have. Lord help me, I hope I do NOT over look anything the next time around.

Have you read any of Dr. Phil's books?

Are you familiar with this comment:

You teach people how to treat you.

Because we allowed them to treat us like crap, becuase we did not want to make waves and just got used to hearing them belittle us for small things, we taught them that it was ok to treat us that way.

Give some thought to that. During your plan B, give some thought to how you want to be treated in the future, what you will accept, and what you won't.

By the way - If I had been there with you when you were cold, I would have let you have my blanket from the trunk of my car!
I look for things like that these days - ways I can support other people, especially other women. I am trying to teach people to treat me with kindness, and hopefully, if I am kind to them they will return the favor.

You are on a great journey right now. Tonight, when you pray, add this to your prayer:

"Lord, what are you trying to teach me right now?"

I ahve a feeling that good things are going to happen for you.

In reading through my post I worry that you may think I am telling you to dump your H and "move on" I am not. I am saying, you have a chance to look at the whole situation and decide what you truly want in a future relationship - whether that is with your H or not.

SS, thanks for your reply, as always.

I've been thinking about your words a lot, "I think you are beginning to see what you have lost by having him there, not what you have lost by having him away."

You are so right. As a matter of fact, as more time passes by, I am actually getting ANGRY at him. I am seriously wondering if I will want him to come back. I already do pretty much everything around here (he cleans his own bathroom and does his own laundry), on top of working, yet he always makes me feel like I do nothing, or don't do it well enough. I feel guilty if I ever want to take a nap or sit down to watch tv - and he watches tv ALL the time. Now I am beginning to feel FREE. If he does come back (which I doubt anyway), things will not be the same as they were before. He will have to make some serious changes beforehand and go to counseling, like you say.

WOF5,

Now I look back and realize I was over looking a lot that I shouldn't have. Lord help me, I hope I do NOT over look anything the next time around.

I did the same thing. I was over looking some BIG things, too -- even before we were married. I guess love really is blind.

Does he have regrets? You better believe it. Can I take him back? Not on your life.

It must feel really good to be at that point. I only dream that one day my H will look back one day and realize that he made a mistake by giving me up. Only my H would be too proud to admit anything like that. He doesn't make mistakes, you know - and even when he does, he doesn't admit it.

By the way - If I had been there with you when you were cold, I would have let you have my blanket from the trunk of my car!

Thanks, and if I were driving, I would have stopped to let you go to the bathroom!

I have read a couple of Dr. Phil's books, Relationship Rescue and Life Strategies. I have Self Matters, too, but haven't read it yet.
Yeah, I know I'm guilty of allowing him to treat me the way that he does. I really have to keep that in mind for the future.

And finally, I know that you are not telling me to dump my H and move on. It's like SS says, that I need to set boundaries before he comes home, if I choose to have my H back - or in any future relationship I might have.

<small>[ October 04, 2004, 12:54 PM: Message edited by: svb1 ]</small>