I find myself not knowing how to tell OW's husband about her affair with my husband. Do I phone him and tell him that I have information about his wife that is painful to hear and let his decide if he wants to hear it, or do I leave copies of their emails for him at his work, which seems cowardly, or what should I do? It is so hard to decide what to do knowing that whatever I say to him is going to pull the rug out from under him. If anyone on this board has told OP's spouse, please let me know how you did it? I know he has the right to know, but knowing how painful this is, makes it so hard to know how to tell him compassionately.

I phoned the OMW. Talked to her for 2 hours initially. I suggest that’s the way to do it.

Do not tell your H you are going to call as that will give them a chance to mitigate the consequences by painting you as a raving lunatic. They will deny, twist and lie in regards to the affair.

Tell him what you know without forming conclusions for him. If he needs proof, have it available as long as showing him doesn’t compromise a source you may require in the future. Have all your information in front of you. Give him dates if possible so he can corroborate some things on his own. Let him know you want to save your marriage and want to work towards that.

Give him a pathway to get info on this topic. i.e. this site or recommend some books. I sent a copy of SAA down to the OMW. Leave him with a way to contact you.

Hi, i'm sorry you are here too.

First of all, call ASAP!! I waited far tooooo long. Sure i felt bad when i called, but it needed to be done. I kept it sort-of anonymous at first, saying i was the W of a co-worker of his W's. Two months earlier (my WH told me he'd leave if i called him), i found a note in my WH's pocket from OW saying he "looked gorgeous in everything that he wore", among a couple other things. So i just told OW's H about the note and probably a few other things, then asked if he knew who it was and he said my WH's name! Turns out that they were supposed to write thank you notes from their wedding one night, and OW was late. OW's H asked where she was and she lied, he finally got it out of her that she was w/my H. So...you never know what her H may already know. He could have the same suspicions..and some valuable knowledge that could help you.

I know this is never the place you want to be in, but trust me, do not delay in calling him. You're only helping to enable what is happening. Best of luck to you!

Ditto to Binder's post

DO NOT even let on that you're going to call. And make sure you can be in contact again. You'll want to know what happens on their end when he confronts her.

Good luck!

Here's a thread on the topic: On informing the OP's spouse of the affair

Thank you for your posts. After reading some of the previous posts, I think I'm more confused. I think I have to re-evaluate my reason for telling OW's H. Is it for revenge? I don't know. I do know that the day I found out about affair, my husband severed all contact with OW. He is extremely remorseful. He cries when he realizes what a huge mistake he has made and how much pain he has inflicted on me. We are making progress in recovery and I guess I don't want to jeopardize that. I feel torn. Am I no better than the rape victim that doesn't come forward to identify the rapist there by letting the rapist get off and continue to rape. By keeping my mouth shut, will OW destroy another family?

hmmmm..don't know about that. I know here on MB, usually the purpose of exposing the A to the OP's spouse is to hopefully put an end to the A.

Are you certain everything is over? And that it will stay that way? If so, i don't really see the point of telling the OW's H, if you're sure you are on the way to R and your WH is over her. JMHO! Best of luck to you!

Welcome..I bring you clarity <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

First off... your motives in telling her husband are completely irrelevant . He has a right to know. It involves and affects him directly. So that should answer at least one question for you. Exposure to friends,family, and work are about bringing the affair into daylight so that it will be put under pressure and scrutiny... that is the exposure meant to affect the affair..exposure to her husband is simply giving him information that he needs to have in order to make some hard decisions about his life and marriage that need to be made. You do not spare him by not telling.

Next up..remorse.
Your husband now has the opportunity to demonstrate that his remorse is genuine. That he is remorseful about what he has done and who has been harmed by his actions...rather than sad and sorry because he feels bad [mostly for himself]. There is a difference between the two. Genuine remorse is an important ingredient in recovery. It will allow him to check his pride at the door and do whatever needs to be done to make reparations for the crime that he and OW commited. It will allow him to willingly and eagerly put boundaries in place to protect himself, and you, and your marriage from anything like this ever occurring in the future. Without genuine remorse he will buck and fight every bit of ground lost...despite the fact that he was the one to throw it away.

So you want to know how to tell her husband? My opinion is that you shouldn't have to. He should do it, and you should be witness to this. He should confess, ask for fogiveness [which will likely not be given], and do whatever her husband asks him to do even if it will cost him greatly [example..if they worked together and her husband asked him to quit..the correct answer is "yes, immediately"..not "why me..she should quit" ..this shows the wrong attitude...].

If your husband is not willing to humble himself in this way..and not willing to suffer any loss at her husband's request..I would truly question his assertion that he is "sorry for what he has done"...that would suggest rather that he is "sorry he is hurting" instead. Discomfort can be a gift of great value..do not spare him from something that would ultimately serve him very well. Allow him to feel the sting..every bit of what he has done and to whom.

I think you should be a witness to this both to verify that it was done..and to support him and stand at his side as his wife. This is..in my opinion of course..the best possible beginning step the two of you could take on your recovery journey. I wouldn't settle for anything less if I were you. Do not allow fear to rule your decisions at this time. If you settle now..you will regret later.

--Noodle

question-
what do I do if my husband claims that they only kissed one night, but continues to talk to her via IM, email, phone and text message. He has lied to me about he was one night, when he finally admitted he said he was helping her with her 401k. Funny... I called her house that night and her husband thought she was "at a work function". I want so badly to tell him, however they have a child and wouldn't want to affect him. And my husband told me this week, that if I tell him, that he will file papers. What do I do?

Personally, I think if your H has severered all contact with OW, is showing his remorse, and his willingness to get your marriage back in shape, I wouldn't contact the OM's H.

Your first priority right now is to your marriage. NOT theirs!!!!!! If you feel that it would jeopardize your marraige, or even reverse some of the hard work you and your H have done to better your marriage, I'd let that sleeping dog lie.

I got the OWH cell phone number from his secretary and phoned him while he was out of state on a hunting trip. He cut his trip short and went home immediately. Unfortunately, he believed his W was hopelessly in love with my H and they filed for D. I was hoping he would try to restore their marriage. They D'd; we recovered.

I believe the OPS has a right to know who they are married to. They can do what they want with the information. Maybe they can rebuild their own marriage and make it better too.

It's almost a complicity or cruel not to inform them. You probably would have wanted to have been informed. Many people just want to mind their own business or not get involved, but you have been affected by their A and he has been too. He may be blindsided or it may all make sense because of that all too common gut feeling that things aren't quite right with them when he finds out.

Badgergirl

Start a new thread with that question. Cut and paste it.

Affairs are like the icebergs. You only see 10%.

They all say they will be angry/divorce etc. Don't tell your husband, just do it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Originally posted by BadgerGirl:
And my husband told me this week, that if I tell him, that he will file papers. What do I do?

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I told my H that if he did not confess to the OW's H himself, then he was out of my life. I could not respect a man with so much cowardace that he would not face the consequences of his choices.

It sounds like you are negotiating from a position of fear and weakness.... Are you?

Are you afraid your H will file?

He is the adulteror.... he should not be issuing threats toward you... and if he does threaten you.... what does that say about his character? What's up with this threat? Is he normally a bully like this?

I think that if you do not expose the affair, it has a VERY HIGH chance of going deeper underground but not ending. The affair will likely continue, and it may be harder to catch them unless OW's husband is aware there is an affair.

Be brave... your husband is bluffing. Don't discuss it with him... call OW's H and say:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know this call is going to upset you, but you need to be told the truth.

Your W has been having an affair with my H for (amount of time).

My H says the affair is over, and he wants to recommit to our marriage. I agree to recommit to our marriage.

I want you to call me if you think the affair begins again. Here is a way for you to safely contact me (email or phone number at work).

I am so sorry. I know this must hurt you as it has hurt me. Here is a book you may want to read, "Surviving an Affair" by Harley.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pep

My W's OM's W found out about the A soon after it became a PA in April of 03.

She called my W and went off on her, screaming, crying, etc. Threatened to tell me. My W totally apologized, said she would not see OM again and said the A was over. OM and my WW convinced OM's W not to call and tell me.

They soon started up the PA again AND IT WENT ON FOR ANOTHER F***KING YEAR!!!. Until I discovered emails she forgot to delete.

SOooooo...I am so sad and angry that she did not call back then.

You have got to tell the poor guy.

Who here would not want to know??

k

1. Expose or support the affair. Its that stark a choice.
2. Gather some 'proof' - my OMs partner didn;t want to believe. Make sure what you report is as undeniable as possibly by the infidels.
3. be brave. You will NOT lose your WS because of exposing, if you DO lose them, it is because of the A not because of exposing. Exposing is the single most potent tool in your armoury to help stop the Affair.
DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT!

I exposed JUST IN TIME to help kill the A and for plan A to effect.

<small>[ September 28, 2004, 06:01 PM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>