Anyone unfamiliar with my story it is simply a fading EA with continued contact. I have taken a position of excusing myself from a group of people that includes OM. OK, this weekend W takes me out for dinner for by B-Day. She had been sullen all weekend because she was not invited by the group to go to something here called "Irish Weekend". She missed OM and in subtle comments I got the picture. So driving home from the restaurant she continued about how I was judgemental and needed to more or less accept that OM and the group was her friends and therefore part of my life. Well by now I have had it. In the car I started cursing and saying this piece of sh$t will never be in my company again, let it go. Let me heal. $#%&*())$##@. You get the idea. It must have been 2 years of venom coming out. W began to both cry and laugh simultaneously. But she SAID "this is what I needed from you". In some sick way this shows her how much I love her I suppose. To get me to that point and see how I react. I don't know. But it felt good and I don't think she took it as a LB at all but rather as further clarification of my position. I can't get her to end contact but by me not participating in group activities for since 2003 it is starting to put lots of pressure on her. I believe that is why the OM didn't invite her to this weekend party. That was LB on his part but my tirade was perceived differently. Strange but I would have thought she would have screamed "I want a divorce or something". But she took my verbal assault and interpreted it as "he is man enough to love me" or something like that. It's been painfully slow but it seemed like some progress. TMCM told me how woman will try to hold onto some type of contact from an emotional standpoint and he is so right. This has been brutal getting her to let go of this guy even though he shows zero interest in her. Anyway I think this was progress. And finally there was no mention of this tirade the next day. Other things discussed at the dinner were mentioned but it was as if this never happened. She didn't conveniently forget but rather is probably scared to reopen this discussion.

interesting and curious development. i had no idea what exactly would entail in the title "i finally blew" and i'm glad it worked out in your favor. continued prayers to you, RR

Finally!

About time.

Indeed, here you Do stand up for yourself.....And see just like with chicken little...The Sky isn't even Falling.

Instead, you actually gained some measure of Respect. Imagine that?

You have to expect Respect, in order to get it.

(Now lets see if you can modify this plan where you get respect & stick to your boundaries...without the cursing, yelling, ect,.)

However, this is a good first step. Long, long overdue.
Now that 2 years worth is off your chest, DON'T retreat again and just let it ALL build up for another 2.
Use this as your spring board to getting where you want to be in your relationship.

I fear you only exploded out of pure frustration, and now that the "steam" has been let off.....you'll go back into "compliance" / silence mode.

Don't empty the closet of trash, just to start refilling it again.
Please don't go back to that existence!

Happy that you Finally Took a Stand. Good for you!

Hey, WOE!!!

Please accept this mano e mano handshake for standing up to the (F)WW. Now, for the ((((((((((MB)))))))) more appropriate Marriage Builder's hug!

You've made us proud. You stood up to her, and she noticed, and reacted in the way we hoped she would.

Now, as a part of Plan A extended (lifetime version), I'd recommend you apologize for the Angry Outburst; ie, not for the message you delivered, but for the manner it was delivered.

This will give you a calm, inoffensive way to bring up the NC in a positive and loving way.

It's still an elephant in your living room, but this give you both a chance to examine him, and to decide what to do with him!

Again, hearty congrats! You've done the right thing, and all of your efforts (albiet passive <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) are beginning to pay dividends.

I think in many ways your relationship has already begun recovery, from your own description of the time you spend together, etc, but you will enter a different realm of recovery if OM is truly going to be absent in your (F)WW's future. She may still withdraw, and have some depressing moments, but I know you know enough about MB to handle her with care, and be the loving cornerstone in her life.

That's fabulous news, man! Way to Go from all your MB friends.

SD

RR, thanks for your continuing encouragement and prayers. Same to you.

TopRope, I can't argue with anything you have said to me in the past. There is no substitute for simply standing up for what I believe in and let the chips fall where they may. I can't force her to do anything and she is now starting to see that she can't cajole me into doing something I don't want to. The other night was a glimpse into how strong the EA is and how I cannot get complacent.

I don't know how we get rid of this guy but I know he goes. And yes it felt good to blow regardless of W's reaction. Her reaction was actually a huge bonus and very validating. Quite simply she knows what's she doing is wrong and finds herself in quite a corner. My Chinese Water Torture approach has probably hurt me more than her but nonetheless it's working. I am rejuvinated and will not go back into the shadows again. I agree with you that it's long overdue and not just as a result of the A. My personality is conflict avoider and keep the peace. But with the help of MB's, IC, introspection and all the books I've read I know I am confident to have a very cerebral discussion whenever W is ready. Not emotionally driven but rather rationally discussed. I can do it now without crying, sulking or yelling. Thanks for your encouragement and support.

SD, you're never far. Thanks for your support. You make a great point and that is not to let this die without a further discussion. I think I am ready for it and more importantly I think W is ready. I have walked on eggshells for way too long. But hindsight is 20/20. I, like you, didn't know what it was I was battling. It is much tougher than either of us would have thought. And sadly I feel my W still has the whats the big deal and get over it attitude. Before my tirade and back at the restaurant I asked her one by one if she thought that specific couples would be at our home again. These were people that we've had falling outs with over the years. She responded in each case "no". So I told her that she understood the concept of never and she needs to apply it to me and OM. And I added if she has any respect for me she'll make sure he doesn't attend my funeral. Oh yeah, I got it all out. She didn't have the strength to rationalize away my arguments which she will normally try. But you did read correctly that my M is a lot better than my messages here convey. We spend an inordinate amount of time together and it's cool. A trip to the supermarket or home depot or just about anywhere is normally a joint trip. So we absolutely have a ton of fun together and as I get my legs back under me I realize how strong our relationship is. I know you're over there struggling sometimes but I encourage you to keep your lifetime plan A going. Hopefully it won't take that long to reap the rewards of your efforts. I've learned an awful lot here and I fully understand and have always understood that this could have just as easily been reversed in my M. And if it was me that had the A, I'm afraid W wouldn't have had the resources that I have had. So God works in mysterious ways and maybe just maybe this is a way for me to show W just how much I love her. Take care good friend.


WOE

SD, thanks for the direction to WOE's post.

WOE, well I've got a great, big smile on my face. With all do respect to your W, I have been waiting for this day. Once again, please don't let her read any of my posts or you'll never be able to talk to me again. Kidding!

WOE, SD told me once that for some reason some of my nuclear LBfests seemed to bring my H slightly more out of the fog. Truthfully they did. I think your tirade might have served the same purpose for your W. I'm proud of you! I wish I could have been a little fly in the car observing this. Gosh, it would have provided me with at least several days of very happy thoughts.

Keep the momentum going. CV

CV, I'm glad you're pleased and hopefully a little less frustrated with me. I think even my W was proud of me. I sometimes think she wants me to be the heavy and demand she quit pool. Then she can save face and blame husband for having to leave the group. But SD made a great point that I should not let it stop here but rather use this for a basis for a calm discussion about how this hurts me.

Back later.

WOE

This thread has me thinking...

Juke blew up at his WW once and now she wants to come back.

WOE blew up at his WW and she kinda liked it.

What if, in your M, AOs are not part of the problem that helped justify the A?

I've had a couple in the last few weeks, my first in I don't even know how long, and I have to say, I don't believe they did any harm. Not that they'll help (I honestly think my M is done for), but I don't think they were LBs.

I think the heightened emotional climate they created was not entirely a bad thing in my case.

OTOH, a M that has suffered because of the AO is probably not going to be helped by them.

GC

GrayCloud, I trust AO is emotional outburst. If I'm wrong please correct me. But in my case it definitely served a purpose and a positive one at that. The reason is that I have built up the love bank in the last few years. So this is the only item that ever gets me to lose it. So W has to connect the two things. I have always been the most low key person. When I tell people I never get mad W will say she saw me mad once. That is a reference to when I kicked the bedroom door open about a week after D-Day. So mine are blasts are spaced out and are always about the same thing; OM. So it definitely serves to remove the fog if only for a short time. I don't think it was a mistake. It hasn't helped keeping all the pain inside and maybe just maybe this will push W in the right direction. I am certain it won't hurt my M. I mean how can your W criticize you for something she knows she wouldn't accept? If the blast is taken in the right context they have to understand that it is motivated out of love. If you didn't love her you wouldn't get too excited no matter what she was doing. And please don't give up. I understand it's not necessarily within your control to save your marriage but I would say it's in your best interest to keep trying. You don't want to find yourself in this situation again. And I think if you go through all the healing with sparrow you are less likely to face this again than if you start over. Good luck.

Thanks, WOE. I'm much obliged.

I'm not giving up, just trying to get a life and deal with the likelihood that it's over. I still have hope, and I'm going to keep trying. This is the part that my friends don't get.

I wish your W could get on board with the idea that she's going to have to lose some friends over this. That part of the BS job is tough, I'm sure - insisting on certain ways you need things to be for recovery. Typical, I guess, for the WS to think they're doing you a big favor by coming back and don't need to get with your program necessarily. "I'm here, aren't I?" is supposed to cut it.

Amazing. I'm four months into this, and even though I want it to happen, I don't see it as a real big favor to the BS if the WS does come back.

At least not today.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes...

GC

Like GC said... , I flipped out on my WW after holding months of anger inside. I called her every name in the book and pounded on her windows in public etc. It's totally out of my character to act like that unless I am pushed too far. But like GC she seemed to like it and respected me much more after so I don't think it was a love bust. More like a reality check as to what was going on. It showed that I was deeply disturbed by what she was doing. Looking back I am glad I did that because I really needed to get it out of my system. I may have killed someone otherwise.