A little progress, today, at least for me.

He finally managed some real honesty today, even though he is the self-admitted world's biggest conflict avoider. In a phone convo today, he said:

He does not want a divorce.
He wants me to stay.
He wants us to "be happy" and "enjoy our lives again."

Okay -- but:

He *also* wants to be able to keep me entirely out of his social life at work and go out and lunch and party and celebrate with his co-workers *without me* whenever he sees fit-- exactly like he did for some 12-14 years when he was using those events as a cover to date his young, single, female co-workers.

Me: "So, you are saying you want your marriage, but you also want to be able to put it on the back burner whenever you've got something fun to do at work?"

Him: "Yeah, I guess I do."

I thanked him for his honesty. I really did. And hung up.

I finally dawned on me that all these years I've been dealing with an addict. I know the Harleys liken affairs to addiction, and that sure makes sense to me. But in my H's case, it's not so much just one female that is the problem (maybe that's why I didn't understand this for so long.) It's his bottomless need for female attention in virtually any form -- air-headed co-workers, strippers, porn, whatever he can find.

I honestly do not think this is from anything I did (or didn't do.) We had a great relationship -- when it was my turn. I was anything but a prude in the bedroom. I've spent countless hours looking back over this and I do not know what else I could have done to make him happy.

The problem with me is that I am only one person.

He's not an alcoholic. He's not a drug addict. But he is absolutely hard-core hooked on getting attention and admiration and strokes at work, *especially* from females. Too much is never enough.

Addicts don't care who they hurt in order to get their fix. He knows exactly what it does to me when he ditches me to go to some comedy club or restaurant or bar with these people -- but he does it anyway.

All he needs is an excuse -- and if he thinks he's got one, he will argue viciously about his right to do it.

He says he doesn't want to hurt me, but he *will* hurt me if it means getting his fix.

He says he wants his marriage, but he *will* act like the marriage doesn't exist in order to get his fix -- and then is very angry when he comes home and for some reason his marriage isn't there anymore.

Has anyone else had to deal with a similar situation? (Don't worry, I am getting all ducks in a row. I have a real job and some money now. I am just trying to exist hour by hour until I can get out and get a life. MB has been helpful to me, believe it or not.)

Good morning Mulan,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I finally dawned on me that all these years I've been dealing with an addict. I know the Harleys liken affairs to addiction, and that sure makes sense to me.

But in my H's case, it's not so much just one female that is the problem (maybe that's why I didn't understand this for so long.) It's his bottomless need for female attention in virtually any form -- air-headed co-workers, strippers, porn, whatever he can find.

I honestly do not think this is from anything I did (or didn't do.)

But he is absolutely hard-core hooked on getting attention and admiration and strokes at work, *especially* from females. Too much is never enough.

Addicts don't care who they hurt in order to get their fix. He knows exactly what it does to me when he ditches me to go to some comedy club or restaurant or bar with these people -- but he does it anyway.

He says he doesn't want to hurt me, but he *will* hurt me if it means getting his fix. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you are absolutely right. I think you will thrive in your new life, post-D. His problem is bigger than you, he's just not considerate enough not to drag you down with him. Please take care of yourself - Dru