My husband had a 4+ yr. "telephone" EA that he swears never led to sex.. Woman was 21 yrs. younger. Most of his phone calls averaged 3 or 4 minutes. There were usually 10 or 12 a day, maybe more, this was just on his cell phone, sometimes from 4:15 in the morning to late at night. Although she lives in the same town, he says they were never alone together.

Mostly I am just wondering how common this is for such a long term., and what would be the reasoning for it. They didn't talk long enough to really ever get into a deep conversation. The longest call was 31 min, and just one that long in a 4-yr. period

The first couple of yrs. she seemed to be the one obsessed. It was mostly her doing all the calling. The third yr. it was both. The last yr. it was mostly him doing the calling. Odd. Just can't figure it out. Would love some input. Is there a reason I haven't thought of? He won't talk about it except to deny any reason I suggest. It was NC from day 1.

I don't think she ever told her husband and d-day was nearly 5 yrs ago. This still bothers me every day since I never knew "why" or if I knew the whole truth.

Every personal question I asked him about her, he acts like he doesn't know enough her to answer. Did she have an outgoing personality?? Not really
Did ya'll talk and laugh a lot and tell jokes??No Did you ever know her parents? "They are deceased"
Well, she's awfully young to have lost both parents (I was wondering if she was looking for a "father" figure).......How did they die? "I have know idea." How old is she? "I don't know....I never asked her." When is her birthday? "Never asked her that either." When she goes to visit her husband (he works "off"...construction work and she works here....she goes to him a couple of times a yr.) does she fly or does she drive??? "I never asked her that?" Then he tells me "See, you know more about her than I do".

Would love to have anybody's input or opinion......But are there any WS's out there that this has happened to and maybe they had a hard time getting their spouse to believe them?

SHMILY,

I must say that those telephone calls are the strangest thing!! What could they possibly be talking about for 3 or 4 minutes?

Could they be text messages? I am not sure if these even show up on a phone bill....or pictures sent from a picture phone??

When my W spoke to the OM it was for 20, 40 or more minutes, which makes sense I guess.

Very curious.

k

My H's EA was mostly 1 and 2 minute calls!
There is a lot you can say in a short amount of time if you make a few of these calls.

Try talking for one minute out loud and time yourself!

krust.....He had no way of sending pictures or text messages. How long was your wife's EA? And how many times a day did they talk?

Picklesaresour

How long was your husbands EA and was it "just"
emotional? How many calls? Did he ever give you a reason for it or what did he get out of it that was so important that he would risk loosing his family?

WH has always (especially since we own our own business) called me 3, 4, or sometimes 5 times a day, even when he was calling her.

SHMILY,

My W's A started on the internet 2 1/2 years ago, advanced to a phone EA then went full PA around Jan of 03.

The OM lives in Pheonix and we are in SoCal. He would fly in for their sex holidays while I was at work. Dday was 05/31 when I discovered sickening emails.

Thanks for asking!!!! (hahaha..

EDITED: Oops, sorry Shmily,(boy, am I ever) but this EA did go PA after a while.

k

<small>[ September 28, 2004, 03:08 PM: Message edited by: krusht ]</small>

I don't know how "common" this is, but my H had a 2 year EA that didn't lead to sex. In fact, it seemed to be a point of "honor" with him. Why they were "just friends." The fact that he was having ED might have been the biggest reason it never went PA. The fear of not being able to perform would have terrified him. So, they justified the calls, lies, lunches, etc. because they weren't having sex. It was not obvious to them that is was an affair because of the no sex.

Betrayal is betrayal. Sex is only one part of the betrayal. If it is kept a secret for the spouse, it's an affair.

SHMLY,
A couple of thoughts:

The shorter calls may have been voice mails. If one party is leaving a one sided message alot can be said in 2-4 minutes. A quick update of recent activities. Lots of I miss yous and I love yous.
My W and OM communicated quite a bit in this way.I actually overheard on of his v-mails to her.

She was sick one morning. I was getting the kids out the door to school. Her cell phone was charging so I unplugged it and turned it on to see of it was fully charged. To my surprise there was a voice mail from very early in the morning. I called the mail box and guessed at her password. Bingo. I heard him giving an update on his life, he said he missed her. So much so that he just had to see her soon. He never said I love you but I heard it in his voice. That was the first time that I knew it was an EA for sure.

I've said this many times before so I'll repeat it. I believe in the old maxxum. "A woman doesn't have sex with a man until she falls in love with him and a man doesn't really love a woman until he's had sex with her." Sorry but it's true. I know I'll be accused of having an animalistic theory for humans who are more noble than that. Yeah right!

Anyway I heard the emotion in his voice. It told me he loved her so despite my W's denials I "knew."

The longer conversations occurred with him calling her from work so that it wouldn't show up on our phone bill. Solved that by a voice recorder.

Somewhere I read ("Not Just Friends" maybe) that there are such things as "don't touch affairs" (meaning nonsexual) but they are rare (10% at most) unless the affair partners are seperated by large distances or in the case of ED or some other disorder.

In my W's case the sex only happened on a few rare occassions but it still happened and it made the EA all the more difficult to unwind.

I think you said your H's OW is in relatively close proximity so take it as you will...

Mac

cwmac

Husband did have ED problems that started about 3 yrs. before the affair. He always said he couldn't have sex with a woman unless he loved her, but that is usually not true. OW was the type of woman that was not feminine.....she had rather "hang out" with a group of her husbands friends than to have her own.

SF was never one of his top EN. It was about 3rd or 4th after affection, admiration, conversation, and this was before his ED problem.

bump

Shay

Sorry I did not reply to your post. Sounds like your husband and mine were close to same age when affair started and had the same problem, ED. What ended the affair and what made you feel comfortable with his answer that it was not sexual?

You have helped me to feel a little better about it. Thanks.

bump

SHMILY;

I had an EA that lasted 5 months, so I dont know if you would call it long term. It never led to a PA, there wasnt the desire for that. She was a coworker and due to some problems my wife was having with her job I couldnt turn to my wife when I had a bad day.

Here is the story. In December of last year my wifes supervisor who was also her best friend took a different position to get away from her supervisor. My wife ended up filling her old supervisors duties without being given the position, and had to deal with the next level of supervisors. She then fully understood why Tina left. Her mood at home went downhill fast. SHe was always having a "bad day" I had a couple of good friends at work, one of which I have been good friends with for 7 years. ( Paul )
The other I had been friends with for about a year. ( Denise ) Most of my shifts were with Paul, but I had 1 a week with Denise. Just to help you understand how close we work togeather, we are paramedics. I had deal with my wifes moods fairly well until Feb. of this year. A man who had been like a father to me died. He lived in Kentucky and we live in Michigan. It wasnt a suprise when he died, we had been planning to take an emergency trip down. Well, my wife couldnt get the time off, but she was ok with me going. The 4 day break did us some good, took my mind off Dawns attitude, and she was a little better when I got back. THat only lasted a few days. My first shift back ot work was a shift with Denise, we ran on 2 very bad accidents. I wont get into details but they caused nightmares, and Ive been doing this job for a long time. I tried to talk to my wife a couple days after the calls and her reply was " Ive had a bad day too, I dont want to hear it. That same day Denise called me having some problems with the calls. Paul still remained my main sounding board, but I became Denises. She was still fairly new to this line of work so she was questioning alot. It ened up growing into a very deep friendship. Got to the point we were talking a few times a day. SOmetimes for up to an hour about anything and everything.

I never saw her outside of work, even though she only lived 10 miles away. So I didnt see it as an affair. But my wife did, and thats what counted. I found this site after my wife and I moved into different houses. I filled out EN questions, one thinking about my wife, the other Denise. I showed them to my wife. She didnt realize she had gotten that bad.

SO yes I think, and proved that an EA can happen without it leading to a PA. I dont suffer ED, so it wasnt that I couldnt. Its just that wasnt what I was looking for.

John3479

Thanks for you reply. It was helpful for me. I guess in my husband's case, 4+ yrs. was such a long time. And his phone calls were so obsessive, meaning so many and so often. He would even call her at her mother in law's and her husband's other family and hang up. I asked him why he did this and he said she told him to and that she would call him back. I checked the phone records and not one single time did she call him back when he signaled her. Why would he tell me this?

Just so many odd things that he won't explain.