Before I give my question maybe I should give an abbreviated recap of my situation for those that aren't too familiar.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Found out WW was having internet affair in May. WW says she thinks she wants divorce.

WW met OM and started PA in early June. I confronted her with my knowledge, WW became hostile, cruel, and nasty.

WW explores buying house with OM and living out west.

Filed for divorce in July.

Continued hard Plan A from May through end of August.

Ordered to vacate home by Oct 15th by Judge.

WW refuses to allow me to take any furnishings with me other than old couch.

I break plan A. Tell STBX what I think of what she has done and is continuing to do.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now then the question. My two kids 12 & 13 know quite a bit about the entire situation, and have been acting out to a degree. I understand thier anxiety. They snap at me and are moody and angry sometimes. More often they are moody and angry at my STBX.

I think I get more sympathy from them because I am being thrown out of the house and STBX has treated me very cruelly. MY STBX's behaivor has been very callous. My children have observed this. However, even before any of this, the children always obeyed me better.

My wife blames me for the way the children act towards her. She blames me when they are angry with her. They sometimes confront her about the crappy behaivor she has exhibited. STBX punishes them for thier feelings.

Now the question. (finally you are all saying <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) Am I making the kids do this? I have believed they are old enough to see what is happening. They see STBX's behaivor.

I have told them to listen to thier mother and not be disrespectful. I have told them thier mother loves them more than anything.

Is any of this making sense? Or am I just incoherently rambling?

TJ,
You are making perfect sense. Your situation with your kids is almost exactly like mine. WxW blames me for their hostility toward her when she is the one that told them about OM. She tries to minimize her involvement with him in the stories she tells them and claims her relationship with him had nothing to do with our Dv. She tells them he was a gift from God. They just want away from her, she says it is because I have turned them against her. I used to defend her when they would ask questions. No more. I will leave it up to her to repair the damage she has done to her relationship with the children. I'm just going to work on being the best dad I can be.

Tom -

You are doing exactly the right thing. I talk with OW's husband several times a week. He is such a good man and dad. His wife has completely abandoned their 12 year old daughter.

She started acting out toward both her mom and dad. Dad got it under control pretty quickly, and has kept her involved with lots of activities. But she is still very disrespectful to her mom.

But her dad stands with the mom on this, and tells her not to tolerate disrespect. He also tells daughter that her mom does love her, which is hard for daughter to believe, since mom is never around.

At one point he was considering not letting OW come home at all since she is living with my WH. However I convinced him that a 12 year old girl needs her mom, no matter how poorly mom is acting.

TJ...Don't start bringing out those 2x4's for yourself! (Save them for *HER*! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> )

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Am I making the kids do this? I have believed they are old enough to see what is happening. They see STBX's behaivor.

I have told them to listen to thier mother and not be disrespectful. I have told them thier mother loves them more than anything.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't speak for how children behave and react to parents of a soon-to-be-D. But, in a similar sit, know that you are right on the $$. Dead-center. Continue to give your unconditional love to them. Show them this. It shows that you already do this now. And--as tough as it can get--make sure they know not to "disrespect their mother." (That is IMHO the best and only way of putting it.)

You're a great guy, TJ. Your kids and all of us see it. Wish your W could see that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My wife blames me for the way the children act towards her. She blames me when they are angry with her. They sometimes confront her about the crappy behavior she has exhibited. STBX punishes them for their feelings.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you been bashing your W in front of your children?? Are you telling them to be angry with her? That is the only way I see that you could be to blame here.

What an insult from your W to your children. Does she not think they are capable to form their own opinions?? Does she not think they are comprehending her bad behavior? Yes, she is their mother, but she is making bad choices that will directly effect them. They should be angry, and they have the right to be, so what if they are kids. They can be angry.

Your W needs to be held accountable for her actions. Seems your children are doing that, and she is not liking it. Does she want them to rejoice in her A??? That is crazy, and insults their intelligence and any moral beliefs you might have instilled upon them.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think I get more sympathy from them because I am being thrown out of the house and STBX has treated me very cruelly </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You get more sympathy from them because they still respect you. Hard to respect an individual that is so obviously making a mistake, even if that somebody is their mother. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Yes, your children still need to behave, and be nice, but they can be angry, and they should be allowed to express this. They can feel, they can decide for themselves what to feel, even if your W does not like it.

How dare her try to manipulate their feelings towards her, like they are not capable of forming their own opinions.

She needs to respect their feelings, she has done wrong. Your children are not the ones with the irrational thinking, she is.

TJ, validate their feelings, this will show them respect, let them express what they are feeling. Just because they are kids, does not mean they can not be mad at you both. Listen to them, understand them, but also, show them how to be angry, and still be respectful.

Your STBXW, is very um, unique.

My prayers are with you and your children
KY

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Tom Joad:
<strong> I think I get more sympathy from them because I am being thrown out of the house and STBX has treated me very cruelly. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why are you being thrown out? Do not leave the house, this is the biggest mistake I think BS's make. If she wants to live apart from you, she can leave. But do not leave your house!! If you don't believe me, talk to a lawyer and you will get the same answer.
Eric

TJ I am so sorry to hear how your WW's behavior has hurt your kids but I'm not surprised they are behaving this way towards her.

The most important thing you must convey to your kids is that while it is ok to feel hurt for what their mother has done, that it is not good for them to feed their resentment towards her. Let them know that they are hurting themselves more than they are hurting their mother when they lash out at her or misbehave in any other way. And above all, NEVER, EVER SPEAK BADLY OF THEIR MOTHER (even if she richly deserves it). And lastly, have them repeat to themselves everyday 'No matter what happens with my parents marriage, I WILL MAKE it'.

You may also want to consider seeking custody of the kids considering that they are old enough to have an influence on the court's decision. They could tell a court appointed representative that their mom's affair and plans to move the OM into their home is creating an emotionally abusive environment for them. Think about it.