Here is a little recap of my story. H and I both had affairs over 3 and a half years ago. We both confessed just under month ago. Mine voluntarily and his not.(I basically backed him into a corner until he confessed) I confessed after him. He has openned up a little about his affair when I have asked him questions, but it only lasts maybe 5 mins. max. I understand it takes time. My H is a prideful and very respectiable man who doesn't want to show anyone he has faults. That is with anything in life. He wants to show that he has everything in control. He has not asked me to many questions regarding my affair, so I don't just offer. My affair was unfortunately with his best friend of 19yrs. who is also married. I don't want all the gory details, but I do have some general questions to eventually ask him.

The main problem is that back in June he told me that he felt that there was something missing in our relationship. I asked him what it was and he could not give me an answer. He said he could not put his finger on it, but when he did he would let me know so we could work on it. (That is when I became suspicious and that is how the affairs were revealed.) So over the next few months I started to give him more attention and realized that we really don't spend a lot of time working on us. We have a 2yrs old and I am due basically anytime now to have our second. So back to the problem, he does not open up about anything anymore. To me or anyone. I feel like there is this wall that he has put up and I can't get through it. I know what it is like because I used to be that way myself. My H taught me how to open up and let love in and not be afraid of it. I tell him everything. The only thing I ever kept from him was the affair. Now he seems to have done what I used to do. Burry everything and not talk. He was not this way before that I noticed. He still can't tell me what is missing. I am not sure if I believe that. I am wondering if he is just so upset with what he had done (he says affair was a one night thing and never happened again) and is hiding in a sense. I do know that he said he new that one day I would find out about the affair, because I would back him into the corner and get it out of him. He also said that he new that I would leave him when I found out, because I always said I would and I can't stand people lying to me. All of which is true. BUT easier said than done especially when you never think it will happen. Plus, I had my own affair to confess. He also said that he new he would screw something up and I would leave him. I asked him if that meant that he knew one day he would have an affair and he said no just do something to make me mad and leave him.

So, why has he closed up? I know men and woman think about things differenty and react differently.

How do I get him to open up?

His A involved sex, mine did not actually get to sex, but very close. BUT it was with his best friend that we spent most of our time with him and his wife. They were also our next door neighbors. What impact does that have on men?

I feel like I am trying and I want to talk. The only time he wants to talk is at the counselors office. Why?

Please any help would be greatly appriciated. Or ask me any questions.

Ann

<small>[ September 29, 2004, 05:40 AM: Message edited by: Ann40 ]</small>

Hi Ann...Iknow you're on #11 already, but, welcome to MB. Hate why you're here; love that you are.

Anyway, my W and I tried MC. (We have a very similar problem, maybe or maybe not for the same reason(s). The C--well, we both had a few good laughs over him (so maybe he was better than what we thought! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Anyway, he said about men and women:

"You drink lots of coffee, right? Men are perculators; women are automatic drip."

For me? Definitely a "stuffer." I have an addictive personality by "nature." Am compulsive. So it's just "easier" for me to stuff and avoid. Bad idea!

Can't really answer why, though. Really, only your H can.

You did say twice in your post about backing him in a corner. Let an IC do that; he doesn't need that from his W. (Just my opinion! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

I do think there's more to it. Have you suggested any type of C?

I am sorry I do not understand the last line of your post. I am not to good yet with single letters.

I feel that my aggressive questioning in the past has made him affraid of telling me things. (I have always tended to be a interigator) He has also said that he feels like I will constantly let the affair of his always hang over our heads and I will bring it up when we have an arguement in the future. Really he is not wrong, but I am trying to change that part of me. I have had many revelations of the type of person I've been at times in our 9yrs together. I don't want to make the same mistakes again. I am trying to reassure him of that and try to get him to be a little more positive of what the outcome could be.

Maybe he is afraid to put a 100% effort into rebuilding because of the things I used to do in the past. I just get impatient and want him to be as positive as me. I have a hard time keeping my spirits up, when I feel the future is so unknown.

Ann

Sorry. I thought it might be good--especially the way you described your sit--that your H could use counseling ("C".)

Is he open to that?

We are currently in MC together. I hinted the first time we went that maybe we should go once or twice on our own to the C thinking that maybe it would help him. She felt like we should come together since we were working on our marriage. I guess when we go this week I am going to suggest that we each have atleast one individual session with her. I feel like he has always had some pain inside. He was going through depression when his A occurred. It did not cause it, he was on meds before it happened. Yeah, back then he should have talked about the issues instead of just going on meds. I believe the meds help, but I am a bigger believer in talking and dealing with the issues. My husband is a good man and a very special person, but there seems to be this empty place inside of him. I guess I have always sensed it. Ann