Most of you know my story.....ww in A since July...very hurtful things happening around the home and kids....etc etc etc....

Its getting to a point for me that i cant even look at her. I am still trying plan A but it is very hard for me to do all those things for a stranger. The reality is that the woman in my home is not my wife. She is not the caring soul that i gave my heart to 11 years ago. She is now a total stranger to me.

My children are lost. They fear going to bed. They think one of us wont be there in the morning. They constantly look for us when they are home.

Maybe its me....maybe i need to step back from this and let it ride....im not going to leave but i think i need to detach while in the home...i know this is not part of plan A. I don think we can have a plan B because she wont leave and i am NOT leaving the children in her care. There have already been incidents in our home where the children have been comprimised.

i still love her but i cant stand her.

how do you know when to plan b? is there an alternative to plan b? Should i do the 180s while in the home? should i detach and still be a lighthouse..? is this even possible?

I'm not sure when it is time for plan B but it seems its purpose is to protect your love for WS after a good plan A. Do you feel you have done a good plan A?
I think you have to take some time out for yourself every now and then to refocus. Also you have to remember this is not really your W. Try to remember your goal of getting your true W back the one you knew and loved. She is there somewhere.
For now you have to be strong for the children. They are the ones who will suffer in this and are in a great deal of turmoil. Try to focus on being a great parent. This could also deposit in the love bank for W.
I noticed my W watching as I played and laughed with my 2 girls. I also noticed that she couldn't help but smile as she watched.
Be patient and good luck!!
CR

i ahve done plan A...but i dont think it was the most perfect plan A. There were Lbs that i caused and ones that were blmaed om me that i didnt cause...just more fuel for her A.

I am trying to be strong. i need to get away for a bit and take myself out of the action. I work from home so we are in teh same house 24 hours a day and its killing me that its right in my face. I spent most of the day yesterday out at clients and plan to do the same today.

My soul, my work, my kids, my home are all suffering and im the only sane mind in the house. I need to be strong, i want to be strong, I am trying to find strength within myself and cant seem to catch it right now.....

If inspiration is what i need then let me have it
if a smacking wackup call is what i need then let it rip
at this point any contact would be welcome even if its a slap in the face.

He JAH,

I hate giving advice cos my life is still such a mess but I thought this may help you.

Like you guys neither my H or I want to leave the kids. Although he keeps threatening to leave.

I have been incredibly angry and very sad on and off for the past year.

I read up about anger and learnt that I was trying to solve a problem with an emotion that only makes things worse. I agreed with that thought. Each time I LB I was hoping it would lead to my H understanding me and my feelings. It did nothing of the sort, it just drove him further away.

I changed tack.

I became calm and stopped engaging in any conversations about deep subjects. I still often have to talk my brain into not engaging cos that is what feels right. I have only done this for 5 days (and counting). I feel much better about myself. I feel proud of who I am and what I have achieved.
My H has been very confused and initially just as angry but I think even a few days have made him calmer too. He is not waiting for my next outburst or deep and meaningful conversation that seem to go no where.

I have no idea whether it will save our M but it has saved me.

Tell me what you think and if you think it can work for you?

S

Are you losing more and more love units for your WW faster every day?
Is divorce beginning to look like a very attractive alternative for you?
Are you almost at the breaking where you fear that you are going to lose control and are going to LB her without end?

If the answer is yes to these questions then it is time for Plan B.

Let me ask you, why do you feel like it would be best if you left the house instead of her leaving?

I am calm now...almost to the point of being numb....

TMCM
- i dont think that leaving the house would be an option for me. I want her to leave she is the one who wants this other life....not me.....she needs the space....then the door is open. She wont leave...she claims to have no where to go...total bs because her father has an empty apartment.

Before you decide to implement Plan B, I highly recommend that you consult an attorney and ask her/him if filing for separation you would be legally able to get her to leave the house.

JAH
Hi there. So sorry about your cr*pola. You're early in Plan A. I stuck it out for 6 months before I lost love *almost* completely. You will know when it's time. I don't know when that will be for you. Plan A sucks you dry.

Arty had some precious advice: Change your tack. No LB's PERIOD. NEVER hurt her no matter what, even though you want to smack her with a hammer. You will feel so much better when you are not arguing. She will look like the bad guy if you REFUSE to argue and change the subject EVERY time. Try it and see. It works! It flustered the heck out of my Fogman, who continued ad nauseum to pick fights (by himself!).

The kids will be happier too. Bad enough things are tense, thus will make it easier and show them that conflicts/problems are not solved by more conflicts, especially between M people.

Detaching in this way will make it easier to hang in there a little longer. If you set your goal for 6 months of Plan A, then Plan B, you'll be following the recommended process for ending/waiting out this stupid A.

About the kids getting panicky and looking for you...this is exactly what my kids do, but it has gotten better, but then again, Fogman doesn't live with us. It was WAY too painful for him to be in the A when he was home. That sucked so much, I feel for you!

I got to the point where even him being home on the weekends was too painful. He was horrendous to the kids and I. I finally went to Plan B 2 days ago, so I'm new at this, but I'm looking forward to the break for now. I don't think you're at that point yet, but only you will know for sure.

I would seriously keep Plan B in the back of your mind and start planning how you would live in this mode.

thanks

i will try and stay strong in plan A. I will try to step away from the pain of the situation and focus on kids when i am home.

I will open myself to dicsussion on the R. but i will not argue.

I sometimes feel guilty that i am focusing on me and my pain and not see ing the big picture. It just hurst so much when you see you ws encomposing so much of the A and caring only for that.

I think she feels that there has been so much pain here that its easier for her to go the other way. I dont think she sees hope in our m and her family is re-inforcing this to her. This puts what i do at an extreme disadvantage.

I understand about not LB in plan a but im almost afraid to talk in fear that i will loose it. i have to think before speaking.


TMC
- in my state (ny). I cant force her to leave even in separation.

bottom line is that i cant force her to leave for plan b so im stuck in plan A. I guess the alternative is plan D.....i just dont know.....

sticking to plan A......

If she doesn't want to go, then she is not sure of this A. She wants to have a reason to stay home. Give her the reason! Plan A. I know it's excruciatingly difficult, but this is not for wimps. Plan A is about doing things differently without expecting *anything* in return. Very, very hard when our needs have not been met for a long time. BUT Plan A works. It worked in my case.

You need find the calm in the storm. It could be a small corner in your heart. It could be your children. It could be your faith. Find something, because you need to take care of yourself when the WS won't.

I know this is very hard, but start looking at yourself. Are there things you've always wanted to do? Re-evaluate your life. Because when WS comes back to the M, you will need to tell her exactly what you want. Find a quiet moment in the day. Write in a journal. Get all the negative feelings out in there. Post here. Find an IC. Do whatever you need so that you don't LB WS.

Be that calm, strong center of the storm. This is what she is looking for, because she doesn't know which way is up. Show her your confidence. Show her the fun person you used to be. She will crave the calm. She will crave her family. Give her something to think about. That is Plan A.

You might do well to step back and take care of your kids. They need to be reassured that no matter what happens you will always love them. They could also give you another focus. It is terribly depressing to live with your partner while they are having an A. I think back to last year and I really do not know how I did it. (Yes, I do. I posted here.)

You are actually on the right path when you talk about detaching. You need to detach from her chaos. It does not serve you.

Justa,

This is becomming a little bit of a touchy subject here, but even the Harley's advocate A/D's when trying to deal with an affair.

Are you on A/D's? If you must continue to live in the same house with the children there, one of you has got to be on an even keel. A/D's will help keep the anxiety, fear, anger, hurt you are experiencing within levels you can control.

I was suffering from severe anxiety which brought on angry outburst from the frustration, inability to rationally think, problem solve, etc. Not to mention lack of good sleep and being able to eat. The Lexapro helped tremendously, in fact I think I would have lost my job, or had to go on a leave of absence without it. Everything bothered me, I could not detach from what he was doing, it was horrible.

If you haven't already, please talk to a doctor regarding this.

JAH
Let me remind you what is working for me.

Do not discuss emotional or R stuff. It will never end the way you want it to and will lead to LBing. If she starts any conversation, calmly tell her you are committed to the M and know it is the best alternative for all of you. Then walk out of the room if you need that to end the conversation. She will try to bait you cos that is what she is used to doing. She may even resent your calmness. Do not let yourself get in those circular discussions. Nothing is achieved by them.

Try your best to be happy even if it feels like an act. I find eventually it feels more natural. Negativity breeds more negativity and visa versa. Let yourself be in charge of your happiness not her.
This attitude took me a year to get to and has changed our R in a matter of days. Try it- it may work for you too.

S