Please let us know how many military BS out here that are dealing with their spouse having met someone, who too was in the military and getting away with affairs? I dont understand how the military doesn't take this issue serious enough.
I would like to hear your story.

bs2002,.

There are a few of us here. My wife and I are both active duty Air Force.

She had two A's with coworkers the latter being about a year and a half. I think that nothing was done because I didn't pursue it to the extent that I could've. I always hoped for reconcilliation and didn't want her career to be in jeopardy.

But, depending on the branch and the people involved, people due tend to look the other way. It's not just the military, it is society in gerneral that does this. The long hours at work away from home and men and women in close proximity to each other is the perfect breeding (no pun intended) ground for an A.

Are you military or the spouse of a member?

God Bless

Doug

BS Military Spouse here.

My FWH had an A with an instructor in ANOC. She hired him and he moved my entire family to her neighborhood...away from our home of 10 years....so he could be with her. All of this just months after returning from the war.

Saying it out loud brings the hurt back. I didn't go to his or her chain of command. I didn't want to ruin his career. He did go to his SM about this but down graded the A to just a few inappropriate emails and not the full blown A. Nothing was done to either of them.

A year later we are moving to a new base a few hours away. My H will return to a Unit that will deploy to the war often and for long periods. All of this to get away from FOW.

I felt and still feel betrayed by the military. I know my H is the soldier but he could not be successful if he did not have a supportive wife at home taking care of herself, her family and the new wives back home. I'm serving my country just as much as he is. I am not getting shot at and no I'm not tracking down the enemy but what I do allows him to do that. I didn't deserve this and neither did my children.

I am a Navy wife. My H's A was with a civilian and they didn't push him because he ended it right away, and we had already started counseling (at least we had an appt.). His direct LT was an a$$ towards me, but his XO and CO gave him an underwraps what for about taking care of his family.

I don't think he will slip again...

oops

<small>[ September 28, 2004, 01:41 PM: Message edited by: trying to forgive ]</small>

Marine Corps wife here and BS... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

H was a pilot in a squadron where most of them had affairs when they went on dets. My H's affair was with an Air Force wife at the Air Force base that the Marines were flying out of. Her H was on a det. somewhere else.

The officers club was the place where the guys hung out and the lonely women came to look for "dates".

The squadron commander told the guys that "what goes on det, stays on det" and even had them all tested for STD's before they came home to us, taking care of their homes and children. DISGUSTING! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

The Commanders necks must be sore from looking the other way so often!

Coast Guard BS here. Now we have every branch represented, don't we??
Mine had an A with an fellow Coastie's wife (my friend).

The military doesn't do much because most BS don't pursue it because why would they want to screw up their children's chance of keeping free health insurance and getting decent child support. Most people are not willing to damage the others career, mostly out of self-protection.

Navy wife and former Army soldier. I've seen a pretty wide variety of responses to adultery. It does depend on so many variables. One thing I've noticed through observation is that generally, active duty women generally get a harsher punishment for adultery than the guys do.

Looks like my last post was a bit general. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I'm the wife of an army reservist who is in an A with an active duty woman whom he met while deployed. He's home now, but is considering moving to be with her.

My hubby is due to come home this Friday, I should be over joyed buy instead I'm dreading it. I know that I haven't had sex in the last year but has he? I am to the point where I just don't know what do to. I am also afraid that if he was faithful my distrust will drive him away. Any advice? Is asking him to take a lie detector test too much? Just kidding, I think.

I don't know if a civil service job like firefighting could be included, but it is a paramilitary organization. Long regular shifts away from home. Plenty of time for STBX to philander as a SAHM. There are high divorce rates in Fire and Police professions. <frown>

We've had several men in my own department who have had affairs with their husbands co-workers. <not mine thankfully, at least that I'm aware> It really breaks my heart. These men I work with are more than colleagues or friends, I consider them my brothers.

The men who do it become ostracisized and outcasts. Deservedly, but a shame too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

BS2002 -

Let us know your story.

And where's the love for the devoted faithful spouse in the military? We get pushed aside. I agree that most of us keep our mouths shut for the sake of our children.

At one point, and I'm ashamed to say this, I thought...why did he come home from the war to shame us? If he hadn't come home his name would never have been dishonored and my children would never have a reason to doubt his love for them. Instead my friends burried thier H's while my H came home...only to destroy my life.

Working on recovery now and I shouldn't say such things. It's sad to see so many of us on this site.

Oh, there are tons more. Faithinme, Apache, RIF, Deep Pain, Aussie, Crazed Love, and others.

I am the BS and I was in the military. My WWs A began while I was deployed and continued after I returned.

I was faithful on the deployment, but I can tell you the opportunities were plenty. The command climate was "don't do it." Sex was not allowed. Guess what, where there is a will, there is a way.

Also, pornography was abound (also not allowed). Many people had spouses back home and would not have done what they did if their spouses knew. It was pretty sad.

But while over there, I also saw several young men's lives shattered when they received the Dear John and found their bank accounts wiped out as they had left their trustworthy spouses a power of attorney.

It is a two way street. It is a choice. In my mind, the OM for my wife is not fit to drink my toilet water. Who puts the moves on a deployed soldier's wife? The b@stard should be deported.

I think maybe the separation gives both parties a breather, a taste of freedom. The next question is - do they remember their vows or don't they? To cheat under those circumstances, by any party, is pretty pathetic. The FS doesn't even have a chance to fight. They are ignorant of it.

Sorry. Usually I try to be more thoughtful when I post. Tonight I am just bitter. The conduct of some of the Officers and Senior NCOs was a discredit to the many who served well. Seeing that and coming home to what I did soured me on the whole thing.

Just a little melancholy,

NCWalker

NCWalker -

I agree with you. As a BS and a military spouse I can see both sides of the situation. My M prior to the A was not perfect. My H put his job and his hobbies before his family. If wasn't deployed (which was rare) he spent all of his free time running, working out, competing in various things around our area. I was ingnored. Sometimes we went weeks without SF and we would go even longer without kissing or spending any time together.

So yes I was very lonely. Lonely and feeling unwanted and unneeded. I had ample opportunities with many man. It's called self control. I didn't do anything. I just don't get it. I realize the soldiers are put under great stress but what right does that give those soldiers to do this to the people who love and support them.

I also saw many wives run around on their H's while they were deployed. One of my very close friends did it. She sent her H one of those Dear John letters. She divorced him when he came home. She broke his heart. And my H saw all of this. He was with this guy when he was going through all of that and he saw all of his pain. It makes it so hard for me to understand why he did the same thing to me? Why?

The betrayal is almost too much for me to handle. Like I said before I feel betrayed by the military. The FOW in my situation is in the Army and knows very well what we have been through with the war and the loss of friends. She knew my H was married and she continued to pursue him. Her chain of command did nothing. People saw what was going on. It wasn't like they were discreet with the flirting. He was a student and she was an instructor. I've heard many stories since I found out about her relationships with other students and other soldiers in her unit. It's not a secret that she is a fluzy...yet she's allowed to continue this behavior.

As if the stress of the war is not enough on these families...lets just destroy them from the inside out.

I am also married to a coastie and I am the BS. His affair was with a fellow officer while they were both at a school. I never involved the command and will not involve the command unless my husband files earlier than he said he would (if we can't work it out).

Military spouses (the BS) are in a rather unique position. If they are adamant in pursuing punishment of the affair through the chain of command they can truly RUIN and completely destroy a member's career. My husband did some horrible things, but I am not willing to do this to him. A military person faces great financial loss and loss of career in the face of an affair. Why do they do it then? Because all of this is still abstract.

The military has some great consequences for affairs. Unfortunately..it's like jail and the death penalty. The punishment is harsh, but there is not enough prevention. And the punishment is just that..punitive, rather than rehabilitative.

I wish they would require chaplains to go through something like MB courses and/or some type of pro-marriage seminar. I wish they would make it mandatory for members and spouses to attend marriage building seminars. I wish they would make it so that if a member is caught straying, they could be offered alternatives...like if they wish to work on their marriage, the affair may go in their file, but no other punitive action taken. But if they wish to divorce or whatever...then ucmj guidelines will be filed.

Something...anything....

For that matter, why not require it in the schools. Relationship courses I mean. Say junior and senior year in high school.

Not to bash history courses, but more bang for the buck in the general health of the nation would be spent teaching the kids about relationships.

NCW

b_sp 2002:
Please indulge me as I as a question (thanks):

maddyk ,

Former USMC (well, inactive but never really gone) with a question for you, (if you'd be so kind).

Since you Don't want a D and You DO have this "power" over your H....why are you NOT using that as a means to say Heck "NO" to a D.
Its like you HAVE The hammer, yet are staying your hand....Why??

I'm not saying you would ever actually go through with the "threat", but HE doesn't have to know that.

Just curious (as you HAVE a "tool" that many others wish they did), Yet you are choosing Not to use it.

I understand you want him to be there because HE Wants to be.
But almost ALL WS don't want to be there at first.
The WHOLE ILYBNILWY speech, the rewriting of the marriage history, ect,.....yet Many once back in the M....change their tune.

So why are you not, for lack of a nicer term "forcing" him to be with you (thereby giving you the opportunity to Plan A and Prove to him you CAN and have Changed).

Please don't take as a criticism or an attack (not intended that way at all).
I realize you have to DO what makes you comfortable.

However, still wonder why you wouldn't make him come back (just to see if you can change his mind).
Later, YOU could always let him go and give him the D, if it doesn't work out. Then at least you'd "know" and have much less regrets.

If you choose to respond.....thanks.

top rope, that is actually a REALLY good question, especially for me.

You see, we don't have kids together and have not been married long enough for support post-divorce. I know that fhl has kids and others who do, they really DO have a very good reason not to pursue this avenue. Me...I don't have to worry about all that so I really have no legitimate reason not to. Let me just summarize a little bit on my story and maybe it will show why at THIS point, I think exposing to his command would be pure vindictiveness. Also, I'll give my lovey-dovey and probably not very rational reasons.

I found out about his affair as listed in my signature line. The affair was over before I found out. lol..the main reason? Ironically...she cheated on him while they were having this affair (affair probably lasted about six weeks or so). While I know there was some email and phone contact over the next year, I'm fairly postivie that the affair didn't start up again, even in terms of an EA. Not to say that the contact wasn't still harmful to our marriage because I believe it was...but I think all in all he knows and acts as if she would not be a good partner.

I did not find MB until we had already separated, about a year and a half after the affair. Had I seen MB at the time, it's possible I would've pursued the exposure avenue more thoroughly, but I can't say that for sure. At any rate, I think exposure of that affair now is just kind of pointless except as a vindictive or manipulative measure. And I understand that almost every BS says this...but where my husband and I are at now--I am almost 100% positive that exposure would completely ruin any chance of us reconciling. We're already separated..he's already detaching. He's got about one piece of fraying thread still tied to our marriage and I don't think it would take much to break it. Purely hypothetical guessing on my part, but it goes along with his current actions. My husband is on the fence, but BARELY on the fence...let's just say that his tiptoes are already touching divorce's grass.

And at this point..his dating. Well...he goes out and such, but I don't think anything he is doing could be construed as dating. He was pursuing one girl who worked at the base club...so the command MUST have known about this because he was not being sneaky or discreet about it. And from what I've seen in my snooping, his pursuing of this girl has gone nowhere so there's nothing to expose. So again, to expose either his past affair or his current wish to date doesn't really do anything.

Okay..now for my lovey-dovey reasons. My husband adds a lot of value to my life. If we get a divorce, he is someone that I wish to keep a friendship with after some time has passed (I know it can't happen right away). I do not wish to jeapordize this. Also..I think it will take a divorce for him to say, "Oh crap, what did I do!!!". I fully expect us to divorce, though I can't say that with 100% conviction. Maybe 75% conviction.

Now this can be confusing to me because I value him as a husband more than a friend. I want marriage over friendship. Not exposing could mean that I only end up with the friendship.

But in the end, it all comes down to this...the reason to expose the affair is to bring the affair into the light of day and to END the affair. There's no affair going on...so why expose?