I am new to this site. My sister introduced me about a month ago, this is my first post because I, unlike her suck with computers, and this site so big, its all just confussing to me. I have been married less than 2 months,(we lived together for 2 years before) I discovered my new husband had an A right before we got married due to a phone call from OW two days after coming home from eloping. A lasted about 4 to 5 months while we were having hard times and I know I wasn't meeting his need for sexual fullfillment (sleeping on the sofa). I insisted we start the book HNHN and LB. As part of our total honesty he gave me acess to his email and cell phone accounts,and agreed to stop all contact with OW. Which to my best acknowledge has kept his word. This morning I go on line to check his emil and in his mial i want to save is a link to a dating service. So i click it, and try to log in and his screen name pops up in the drop down folder with a link advertising women in our area. I was unable to log in because I dont know the password. So i installed a spyware program on the computer just this morning. I want so badly to call him at work and confront him, but I also need to know if he is trying to meet women!! If so I want an anullement or divorce dont know the laws in my state. About a year ago I caught him emailing some woman but, I caught it berofe anything happened. (spyware) He swore he would never do it again and hasn't till this morning. I feel like such a fool!! I thought things were getting better since starting Dr Harleys books I could really see a difference in his behavior, as far as meeting my EN. I really want my m to work, but it just seems so hopeless!! This is my first marriage his second. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

are you heroswife sister?

regardless, i'm glad you were able to tackle the computer and come here and post. whether you want to gather evidence before you confront, proceed w/a divorce or annulment, or rebuild your marriage, you have a great starting point here. unfotunately, these WS even though they say and act certain ways still have to earn trust and it's apparent that your H after a long length of time is contuning to act in a way that isn't conducive to M.

my suggestions for right now are not to do anything hastily and to start and end each day w/prayer. you may also want to consider counseling w/a professional. this is going to be a "rough road" for you no matter what the outcome and it's one that is long as well. but stay the course, take care of yourself, prayers to you, RR

p.s. if you are heroswife's sister tell her roughroad said hi and hope she is doing well. she has been a great encouragement to me.

Big SIS,

(Gotta run, so I'll make this quick)
First, Be Welcome!
Your little sis had mentioned that You had been lurking here.
Don't feel intimidated, I lurked for an entire year BEFORE registering and posting.

Next, Let me say that I really FEEL for you, that your M is starting OFF on such a Bad Footing.
Nobody deserves to be disrespected this way!

Oh, as far as your sis, since she has dropped out of site...........ask her to at least come back on and tell us all that she can't stand us and we can all kiss her butt. (Just kidding there, but tell her WE would like a check in to make sure she's doing OK). THANKS for passing that on.

As far as you........NO, do not confront Him... Yet.
Since you JUST installed your spywear, you might as well let it do its job and FIND out as much as you can BEFORE you confront.
IMO you should at least attempt to find out as much as you can, before alerting him to your actions.
Because ONCE he knows how you are checking on him......He will go underground really quick.

In addition, Might as well get it all out on the table with the FIRST Confrontation (Confrontations are bad enough why do any more then you Have too??)

Indeed, Give yourself a time limit, your choice as to what you can stand (1 week, 2 weeks, a month) and continue to be a "detective".
Here's the hard part though.

YOU must be nice (not LB) and keep your emotions in check. (Yes, very difficult when YOU KNOW something is wrong).
However, it is necessary.

If YOU start acting different, this in itself may tip him off and make him be even MORE careful.
NO, No, no!

At this point (as you ARE gathering evidence) you WANT him to be as relaxed and Off guard as possible. The more he thinks things are OK and he's got it under control.....the more lax he will be and the easier it will be for you to find things out (should there be anything else to find).

Don't make YOUR own job more difficult, by being your own worse enemy and giving him clues or any reason to suspect that YOU SUSPECT him.

I know its not easy to keep these emotions "under wraps"
The 3 weeks I spent "investigating" my WW were the hardest I went through.
EVEN harder than the actual confrontations. AT least then I could let it all OUT.

But while I knew "something" was wrong (but didn't know what) .....I thought I was literally going to go insane (and may have).
That's how out of control I felt.
Yet, here I was having to play nice, be polite and NOT let her notice anything was amiss. I am NOT a good liar or "faker" so this was a tall order for me.

Anyway to make it short, after scouring the Internet, I found a way to get "solid" proof on her, and then it all came out.

But you do need as much proof as you can get.
WS are experts at lies and deceit.
They can come up with a believable story about just about "anything".

Problem is that we DO Love them, and they use that love against us.
Heck, we WANT to NOT believe they could do this to us......so we are ripe to believe anything that makes the slightest sense.

Get your proof, or he will just lie his way right out of it all.
YOU deserve a healthy and happy M.
Once he is caught it will be up to HIM whether or NOT the 2 of you make it.

Wishing you success!

Welcome, HBS...
Sorry to hear about this so soon in your marriage. I've been married only 15 months...and very very rocky 15 months. I had A almost 2 mos. ago...a one time deal with an exBF. My H --almost-- wants D. He is so angry, sad, etc...but only shows anger. He just found out 3 wks. this Sat..

My advice is to give it time. Don't make rash decisions right now while your emotions high. You say that you want a D or an anullment right away. My H is feeling the same way...give yourself time to make a decision you won't regret...not saying that you would, but it's possible. Sometimes the easiest thing for a BS to do is to run away from teh pain...via D. Counseling would also be good, I think. I hope this helps. I don't know your whole story, so keep in mind that when you digest what I write. Keep us posted. God Bless.

Maybe you could give me some advice as well--is there anything he could do to make you change your mind? I've already cut off completely from OM and want so desperately to work things out. My H wants NO contact with me. Ugh.

RAE

BigSis -

(Please know that the term big sisis not meant to be taken seriously...yes she is older than me but she is no where near bigger than me and she also looks a lot younger)

First Top-Rope and Roughroad I do appreciate your comments. No I do not hate you all and no I do not want you to kiss my behind. I love you all dearly. I know I have left the boards for a while. I guess I got freaked out after I introduced my sis to this site. Before I posted freely about my feelings and what not...suddenly the thought of someone I know and love reading my deepest inner thoughts freaked me out a little.

HerosBigSis is my sis but she holds me to a higher standard than anyone else. We support each other and I've always had to be the strong one. How can I support and help her if she sees that I'm really just weak and spineless as most of my post portray?!?! I don't want her to see my pain because it will only hurt her.

Now maybe I realize I'm a fruitloop and allowing her to see what I'm going through will hopefully help her.

So here's my advice and others on this board might flame me or they might actually agree. Who knows?!?!?


I say, leave the spyware there. Let it collect all the proof you need and proof he can't deny. I know you H all to well. While I'm not his biggest fan I do know that you love him. I know that unless you have solid proof you will listen to his lies and you will let him explain away anything less.

I know you've heard that song "It wasn't me." That will be the stance he takes unless you have something in your hands that you can't deny. I'm not sure what that proof will be. Maybe your spyware will collect a date and time they will meet and you and I can go there and take pictures. Maybe we get a voice recorder and capture a phone conversation....I don't know.

How about you call the local phone company and request a detailed local calling bill as well. I know you can do that because I've done it. If you are the only one who ever sees this bill he'll never know. Seeing simple phone calls on a bill will not be proof enough but it'll help build the case.

I love you girl and you know that you and my girls are the only people in this world I will ever trust with my heart. I could lose everything else in this world but you three and I would survive.

You helped me through my situation. You got up at 3 in the morning and drank Dr. Pepper and/or beer when I couldn't sleep. You called all the time, you took care of my girls as I fell apart, you held my head up when I couldn't hold it up myself.

In you I have my childhood playmate, my biggest fan, my sister and my best friend. I love you more than I love Books on Tape.

I'll post an update on Heroswife shortly. Not to worry I am fine. I think I'll title it "Date Triggers, Drugs and Loneliness" How's that? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I miss you all.

Yes I am Heroswifes big sis, as you can see she posted on this thread. My situation seems so minor compared to hers I feel ashamed. She has been so much stronger than I can ever imagine. She always has been throughout our lives. I have admired her strength, confidence, children, and marriage for as long as I can remember.(been kinda jealous to be truthful) I thought she was so lucky to have him as a H. I felt like he was the perfect H. So it was a huge shock when I found out aboud her H A. We never saw it coming. It was a real wake up call for me. She is as solid as a rock to this day, in my eyes. Thank you all for taking time to read my post. Although I may have jumped the gun on the whole internet thing, he was home alone for lunch and not one hit on the site. And he was on the computer. I know I am a bit paranoid and very quick to jump to conclusions so we will just see. To: rae03 I must say that he is trying to work things out since I found about A. We started reading HNHN together. He allowed me access to email accounts and cell phone accounts. He wasnt to happy about that but it was something he had to do for me to start building trust again. He still refuse to talk about A. Which is something I need for him to do in order for me to let it go. Because for now I still have dreams relating to OW. I am still trying to figure out everything as far as dates when, where, and why.

Sis - do you have any children with this guy?

Hey WAT I have heard good things of you. Thankfully we do not have children together, although he has one from previous wife.

Sis - my knee jerk reaction to what I know of your sitch - just what you have written on this thread - is for you to seriously consider cutting your losses and moving on.

Dump this creep.

You're young, no kids, short marriage, not a long history together, serious character flaws in your H (assuming your facts are correct) - all add up to a marriage that maybe should not be saved.

You have plenty of time to find a good man. Sorry - I'm taken and too old for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Please don't act on my assessment alone - based on precious little info. But your sis is a terrific resource and she is in the best position to advise you - other than getting professional counseling.

WAT

Sis -

I know you know that I agree with WAT 100%. I also know that you will not listen to me. You will follow your heart like you always do and you will be hurt.

Unlike WAT I have info the others on this board will not ever know. You will not tell them the things he does to you or has done. I know what he is capable of. I also know that if I refuse to have a toleration relationship with him I will push you out of my life and I do not want that to happen.

I didn't want you to marry him to begin with. I do know that you love him. I know far too well, what it's like to be told to dump someone when you love them with ever fiber of your being. That's what many of my friends told me about my H when I told them about his A and the surrounding circumstances.

I think the fact that you found the dating service link and he had obviously logged into it before shows that he might be trying to do the right things but he is addicted to the chase. I would bet my last good kidney that someday soon he will log into that site again. He may not start emailing someone or he may not run out and meet someone from the site...he's just looking. He needs his fix. Once you guys are on the rocks he'll jump on and find someone.

He'll create reasons to make things rough to give himself an excuse to go out and look.

He's a creep. And you deserve better. He might love you in some sick and distorted way but he does not know how to have a commited relationship. He's selfish and doesn't care if he meets your needs.

I want to see you happy and I want you to be married to someone who will never hurt you. Your husband should protect you. Your husband should give you a soft place to fall. This guy will never protect you. You have to protect yourself from him. I don't just mean physically I mean mentally and emotionally as well. I hate the way he treats you and I hate the way he talks to you. You guys just got married and it's like you are some sort of slave or some piece of property he owns and controls.

What kind of life is that? I will always be here for you. I will always support your choices.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by HerosBigSis:
<strong>Thankfully we do not have children together, although he has one from previous wife. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Previous wife?

Do you know her? Do you have knowledge of their marriage? Are the reasons it failed the same ones you've already observed in your own marriage?

And perhaps he behaved the same way in his prior marriage despite having the responsibility of a child?

Please stand back and look at this.

Also, please note that I have not communicated with your sister about this. I am arriving at my assessment completely independently and objectively.

I offered advice to your sis to save her marriage because there was much to be saved, a lot to be lost and her H did not display the type of preexisting behavior you've described in your H.

Locate posts by "infaith" on this GQII forum to read about another good woman who has a really sick husband. The difference with you is that she has been married to him MUCH longer and only recently discovered his double life. It will make your skin crawl.

WAT

WAT he married exwife because she got pregnant, they were seperated when the child was 6 mths old. She left when he was gone on a deployment. He came home to an empty house. And to both Heoswife and WAT: I cant leave him!!! I love him. I think I did jump the gun on the whole internet thing, this morning there were three emils from dating services in his trash that had not been read. And no hits on any of the sites on the spyware. Like I said we were doing really good since we started HNHN. for the first time in 2 years I can really see the differance. I think he is really trying. HE had my initials tattooed on his wrist which is something I have asked him to do since christmas last year. He is more attentive to my needs, way more affectionate. And knowing i have all of his login info why would he put something like that there for me to see knowing, I would lose my mind. It could have been a mistake, because right under it is the e-card his son and I sent the same day. I cant just give up on him that esay. What I am trying to say is, if it wasnt a mistake, and there is ever a hit on any of those sites, or strange phone numbers show up on his cell I WILL LEAVE!!!! The thing with the OW did happen before we were married and nothing from her since. And the thing with HerosWife.................................................SHE IS THE HERO not her husband!!!!!!

OK Sis, you stated some more positive facts.

When the time is right, direct your H to this site so he can see all it has to offer.

Please keep reading and posting here. It will help you in trying to be objective. We refer to a WS's lack of objectivity as fog. BSs can be quilty of this as well.

I know your sis is a hero. All BSs have to be heros for their families. She did - is doing - a particularly good job.

WAT

Sis -

I'm behind you. I know you love him. I know you do. Maybe I can say this to help you understand my feelings about your H. In my mind no one would ever be good enough for you. That's the truth. You have a heart of gold and you get hurt so easy. I don't trust any man with your heart. That doesn't mean you can't or won't trust a man with your heart. I don't want you to hurt the way I hurt when this happened to me.

Think about this....how big of a shock was it to you when this happened to me? It was HUGE wasn't it? You doubted it. You really doubted that it happened. You were the first person I told and I remember you looking at me like...oh no, it's a mistake, it didn't really happen, there must be some way to explain this. But it did happen. My own mother thought I was making this up. I was the more likely candidate to have an A.

Now ask yourself would you be surprised if you found out...or better yet...were you surprised when you found out he had an A just weeks before you were married? The question isn't were you hurt. I know you were hurt. I don't doubt that for a minute but were you floored? I wasn't when you told me. I saw his behavior and saw how you treated him. I had heard the stories.

Surf this board a little and speak to some of the other BSs out here. You'll see that many of them were hurt but were not shocked when it happened. Dr. Harley speaks about it in the books as well.

Stay on this board and read as much as you can. If you do bring him here please do not tell him my screen name. The last thing I want is that man knowing my business.