Hey All,
Wanted to vent and get some feels for the issue.
WW and i got into relationship talk again last night. Subject ended back to Intimacy and SF.
WW pretty much states that she is scared doesn't know at this time if she will get those feelings back for me. Been almost 3mo. into recovery. I am getting some affection shown to me, ex. Hugging, kissing,sometimes hand holding(usually initiated on my part),some cuddling but not often. WW states that it is not easy for her to turn her feelings on and off for me. I told her that SF is one of my big EN, that i am sorry but that is a major need for me. I told her that i can wait until she more comfortable with this but sometimes i wonder if she will ever be. Told her didn't understand has known me for most of her life, would never hurt her, physically or mentally but yet she is still not a comfort level with me on this subject. Makes no sense to me. She knew OM, stranger she met on internet,and she was already in the sack with him in less than 6mo. Had sex with the OM as far as i can tell pretty frequently. Latest time 5 nights in a row. I told her this was something that i was longing for throughout all our marraige. I stated that i knew that i didn't show her a lot of affection outside the bedroom and see why this would be difficult for at the time, but i have changed and am trying to put a effort in showing her these things that she wanted, and i enjoy doing them. Just want to take it to the next level. She states she sees me trying,but she is just not there yet.
It bothers me when i read other posters who after DD there WW are all over them sexually. Not my wife, I told her if by Jan. we are still having issues with this then we really need to find out what the problems are. I Cannot live a asexual life it is one of the biggest ways i have to display my love for her. I shouldn't have to live that type of life. WW states she wants SF to happen she just not at that point yet.
Trying to patience but it gets frustrating at times. I am sure the subject will come up in counseling tonight. Any comments, suggestions?
Jets

--------------------
Dated 7
married 14yr.
2 son age 10 and 8
BH 39
WW 36
DD 7/11/04
plan A 06/01/04 and didn't realize this.
09/01/04 hopefully @ recovery.

jets,

Same sitch with me. W says she is so ashamed, guilty and feeling "dirty" that she is not ready to open herself up like that. Our dday was 05/31 (very memorial..hahaha) I did my own thread on this just last week.

My W also is on Lexpro (AD) which is a sex drive killer and there is alot of stress and sadness because her mother is dying of cancer, and maybe has two or three months left.

Patience, patience, patience!!

You might want to go find my thread..there was some good posts from others.

I will go bump it up for you.

k

I am with krusht on this one.

Everyone is different, and I would not jump to the conlusion that MOST WWs are one way or another. There are some one way, and some another. Would be an interesting poll topic.

Same frustration as you - she could with him, why not me?

I also understand the EN part of it.

Try not to LB her over it. It is HARD to resist when it feels like you give and give. Believe me, you will have moments of weakness. Just try not to.

You need to define your limit and attempt to stick with it. Was it a problem before the A? If not, you should go back to normal. When? Can't answer that for ya.

But it this is a forever kind of thing because of the A, you need to have in your head how long you are willing to go and put up with the forced celibacy. And be willing to face the consequences of your choices.

Understand that it appears to be harder for some women to "give" in this area than say, you buying her flowers.

I hear that "Men are from Mars/Women from Venus in the Bedroom" is good, but haven't read it myself.

Mainly just letting you know to watch the judgements - your WW may NOT be in the minority.

But also know she SHOULD be meeting your needs. She may have a reason, but there is no excuse. Just don't make it hard on her, got it? Here are your options:

1 - ASK her and get and be happy.
2 - ASK her and don't get and CHOOSE to be happy.
3 - Leave her.

No demanding. Hard to do, we all struggle.

NCW

Krusht and NCW,
Thanks for the reply and info.
Krusht i actually figure there was something wrong in our marrairge around Memorial Day, and had been trying to better myself since then. Didn't know about affair until 7/12.
NCW- I guess according to her it was a problem prior to affair at least the last 1-2 years. States that she would often have sex with me just to avoid me whining,or giving her the silent treatment. I admit that was wrong of me to do back then and know not to now and hopefully will not again in my life. She states sometimes it was enjoyable but the unenjoyable outwieghed the enjoyable. My sex drive has always been higher than hers, but it kills me that i feel like i am being treated as a total stranger in this area when it comes to this. Yet OM was a complete stranger that she knew far less time than me and she had no problems with SF with him.
I am trying to patience and i guess i should be happy to know that she wants this to happen,even though she is not ready yet.
Have been showing her affections in other ways buying her followers leaving her little notes of support, Sending her cards. She likes this all, but when it comes to the next level for me she states she not used to me being like this. Can't turn feelings off and on like this.
Again i did time line it. My date is 01/12/05. I figured by that time it would be officially 6mo. after DD. hopefully she will be at a comfort level with me. Not planning no LBing her during this time. Just cont. to meet her needs as much as i can.
If still in state of celebacy, i don't know what i will do. I love her and don't want to lose her or leave her, but i don't think i can live a life without SF.
Trying to be patience. At times yes it does seem very one sided.
Jets

krusht

Wanted to know if you knew anymore about Lexapro and its sex drive killer.

My WH is taking Lexapro and his sex drive seems somewhat killed and well during SF it just isn't happening very well--to put it bluntly it takes forever on his part and never use too even when we were still having sex and he was in affair.

Just wanted everyone's thought's on this in regards to Lexapro.

Albany..and jets,

Albany, all the posts I saw from my thread agreed that lexepro dampened the sex drive.

My problem has been "the quick on the trigger" syndrom. Maybe I should take the lexepro.

jets, just bumped my thread. There are very good posts from some vets on there. Check it out.

k

Krusht,
How do i bump your thread???
jets

Dude,
I just bumped it for ya.

It's on the same page "WS can't have SEX w/me she feels so bad.

When you bump a thread you just type in bump as a reply and the thread is then moved to the top of the list.

Mine is starting to creep down the page.
k

I have nothing helpful to add to this thread, just lurking here, but I did want to say.

K - LMAO!!!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My problem has been "the quick on the trigger" syndrom. Maybe I should take the lexepro.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

jets: Have you both done the questionaires? Your number one is SF. What is hers? I'm going to guess conversation is right up near the top.

In my W & my case, we are similar to yours. OM was a very smooth talker. He could talk to anyone about anything. I'm not the worlds greatest conversationalist, but I'm betting that is one thing that is holding your W back. Even though you may be talking to her more than you have for years, now it's about quality as well as quantity. Don't give up. Try to help yourself as well. I've gone back and starting reading books to try and better myself, to help understand things. I think it's helped, but I'm still no Clinton or Kennedy.

Good luck,
RH

<small>[ September 28, 2004, 01:08 PM: Message edited by: Recovering H ]</small>

I remember sitting in the counselors office expressing those same fears. She said to me "those feelings are the first thing to go and the last thing to come back".

We focused more on being friends again. We worked on improving our communication. We looked for things to do together and ways to enjoy spending time together. (We also spent 2 good years in IC and MC. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

And no, it was not easy. For a while it was sex just for the sake of having sex. Many times I cried. Yes, there were triggers. But, we never gave up and called it quits.

Three years into recovery, the sex is better than it has been in 28 years of marriage. I think this is because of the connection and intimacy we have formed as a couple.

Don't let this issue sidetrack you. It can and will get better. I promise!

Susan <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Well, I hate to throw this out, but is the A really over? How do you know?

I was in the same boat as you earlier this year...supposedly it was over, they weren't talking, etc. I never trusted her since she still was hiding things from me, but gave the benefit of doubt...and we were making L (I wanted more)..and travelling together...and I was also communicating very well, she noticed the changes, etc....and I tried to be patient as far as SF but I was a basketcase and always had desire for her to hold hands, kiss, make dinner, etc. Then, I found out later it wasn't over....and made the decision to end it...thank GOD!

I hope this is not the case with you. You better have access to EVERYTHING...cell phone, email, credit cards, etc. I mean, how can you see a cheat?

Thanks for replys,
Krusht thanks i know what bump is now.
Nature, yes affair is over, can say that @100% condidence now. 2mo ago no. All the weird habits that she used to do are no longer being done. She is no longer on computer minimizing screens when i walk in the room or spending hours locked up in a room talking on cell. No longer frequently going out at primetime hours and gone for hours at a time. Pluse she is hugging me and kissing me and telling me she loves me. Things she would never do when affair was in progress. Bottom line she had opportunity to go back after DD and she chose to stay and try to make this marriage work. When issues of Affair came up last night she stated why are we even talking about it, it is pretty much history as far as i am concern.
Susan- I will agree with you 100% with your assessment. I know counselor has stressed to try and become best friends again do fun things together. Keep working at it, SF will eventually come. I again asked WW tonight if in her heart does she see or feel us being intimate again, sexaully,and she said yes but not right now. Somewhere down the road but not right now. I again asked what can i do to make u feel more comfortable around u. She really can't give me a answer. The topic will come up in counseling tonight so will find out what is said.
I think communication was at the top of her list along with displaying more affection. I guess OM must have been a good talker and listener,because his looks where definitely not his high points IMHO. She admitted soon after DD that OM had a way of making her feel good and taking interest in what she was doing. It was the little things that he did that made her so wrapped in him.
Will be patience but it is hard and Susan i hope your right that it will come. Will let all know if anything else is suggested in counseling tonight.
Jets

In reguards to Lexapro. WH has been on it for about 3 yrs. It is a "cleaner" AD than some. H has the same issue with "quick on the trigger"and Lexapro helps with that. Prozac I thought did better with him, but he didnt want to have to take the Viagra. lol I, personally, could not take Lexapro, so I am Zoloft. Same issues for me...takes longer. If I find an AD withOUT these side effects....I'm there!
But it may not matter anyway, if WH doesnt get his head out of his *** oh, sorry....out of the FOG. LOL

KatieG,

I have heard Wellbutin (sp?)is an AD that is used to actually heighten the female libido. A doctor friend says if the lexapro cuts into the sex drive too much she adds Wellbutin to the mix.

k

jets,

I bet she feels very guilty, ashamed, and "dirty".

My W says as she comes out of the fog that she can't believe she actually did the A and it totally depresses her and makes her feel so
sh!**y when she thinks of it or the OM.

Which is a good thing,.. but is a killer on the SF front for now.

k

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think communication was at the top of her list along with displaying more affection. I guess OM must have been a good talker and listener, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What makes an affair attractive to the WS is the way the OP makes us feel about ourselves.

Pay attention to this statement jets. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

How can you foster these same things into your relationship with your wife?

How was your communication with your wife? Did you listen to her? Did you show a real interest when she talked to you? Is that a skill that needs polishing? One of the hardest things for my husband to learn was to just listen to me without trying to fix anything for me. What I really wanted more than anything was for him to just hold me and understand. This takes care of the affection too!

Susan <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ September 28, 2004, 05:38 PM: Message edited by: Susan ]</small>

Thanks, Susan and Krusht,
Krusht i don't know about the guilt part... maybe, i know she feels somewhat ashamed and hurt in the fact that nobody see's the problems that led into the affair and only see the affair. she is sorry that she hurt me and the rest of this family and pretty much admits that this is something she will live with for the rest of her life, but sometimes feels she sometimes tries to justify it in her mind, d/t the way i was not responding to her needs and all my LB'ing over last year or more. She basically stated that i never really made her feel appreciated. That i was always complaining this wasn't right, or house was never clean or how i had to do it all.
She works full time as a RN so her work is demanding and can see why it would be hard for her meet everything to everyone. It is not that i didn't help her out, but i did complain a lot and would dump and yell according to her. Makinig her feel worthless. I Have since tried to change my ways, Thank God, and she does see this. No more LBing on my part as much as i can help it.
Susan, Our communication has been a lot better since DD there where times in MC that she would say this is the best we have communicated in a long time. Now biggest problem is the constant talking of our relationship and problems. The conversation last few hours a night sometimes and never really seem to get anywhere. I sometimes expect to much reassurance from her to the point where it is starting to get annoying to her. She tells me and she will tell me again but i guess enough is enough. I tend to overanalyze a lot of things now, side effect of BS i guess, but i am trying to get better on this . MC asked ww what attracted you to me before all this that intimacy was not a problem. WW said she felt we had some type of connection. Couldn't describe it but felt that it was missing for a while. She afraid that she will get in a habit of having SEx just to not here me complain or whine and does not want to go with that again. She just doesn't want it to be about the mechanics of sex but more. I Stated i do too, i want to mean something other than mechanics. Counselor suggested no more relationship talk except when in his ofc. and for WW to try and find or brainstorm a way that she feels i can meet her connection that she is looking for. Feels we have to be patience and give it time but feels that we will make it.
So don't have much of a choice but to sit back wait,pray and hope that one day she will feel connected with me again and we can get intimate with each other again. So depressing sometimes.
jets

jets you said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> i know she feels somewhat ashamed and hurt in the fact that nobody see's the problems that led into the affair and only see the affair. she is sorry that she hurt me and the rest of this family and pretty much admits that this is something she will live with for the rest of her life, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have hit on something very crucial to the recovery of your marriage with this statement. The fact that you are both in counseling is good and probably the proper place to delve into what led to her affair. Keep up the good work!

RH

jets

Okay, now I have something to add. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">but i did complain a lot and would dump and yell according to her. Makinig her feel worthless. I Have since tried to change my ways, Thank God, and she does see this. No more LBing on my part as much as i can help it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you sincerely apologized for your pre-A behavior? Have you held yourself accountable for the state of your M, so she doesn't have to? Meaning, if you step up and acknowledge all of what you did to contribute to the state of your M, which led to the A, then she can hold herself accountable for having the A.

A bit twisted, but I am a FWW, and my H generously, and nobly stepped up and claimed responsibility almost immediately for the state of our M. This then took some of the guilt off my shoulders, which then allowed me to focus on my responsibility of the state of our M.

My H has done a complete 180 and is a different man. Our M is totally different, we are fixing the state of our M, so this never happens again.

I'm sorry for what you are going through Jets. SF has been hard for me as well, but for other reasons in our M that has effected that area.

I hope you get lucky soon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

KY