Can someone expain the anger <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> that my ww is exhibiting?

I know that some say that its her guilt working on her....I have not done a thing and whatever i do or say gets twisted around into hell-raised anger....im not sure if she is trying to get me into a fight or what....

need some enlightment

please

My FWH went thru a phase where I could do no right, but OW walked on water. He was angry with me, and found fault with everything I did. If the BS is a monster, then it's ok to have the A.

JAH,

From my experience I think most of my wife's anger was due to me wanting to change after I found out about the affair. That I wanted the marriage to be better.

She was angry that I was taking her "one true love" away....her soulmate.

Plus add, in the guilt of doing something you know is wrong (no matter how nice it feels), that makes a pretty good anger potion.

If your wife were honest most of her anger probably isn't caused by you personally but how your reaction to her actions make her feel.

You getting pissed off justifies in her head why she is leaving....helps her decide what she is doing is "right" and squelches the guilt a bit. Trouble is you are not really biting on that so she has to be a little more active in her anger towards you...almost baiting....

That's my take...

God Bless

Doug

WS's will do everything in their power to justify their own immoral actions and will ay or do anything to support their words.

During my FWW's affair, she absolutely rewrote the history of our marriage to take herself completely off the hook. According to her, I found out that I was the most cruel and mentally abusive person around and that she put up with this horrible abuse for 20 straight years. Of course, she didn't realize how abusive I was until the OM entered her life.

As hard as it might be for you, somehow throw your pride away and don't listen to the words that she is saying as being real. She feels what she is saying is true, but it is because of the state of her being that she is even saying it at all.

It is simply called FOG TALK. WS's are mean and cruel and the BS's suffer greatly while they are in the fog.

At this point, you must want the marriage deeply because you are the only one that can save it today. Remain strong.

TooSoon

whatever i do or say gets twisted around into hell-raised anger....

Can you give some examples of things she has said to you?

Are you pretty fluent in reverse-babble?

Are you keeping your body language neutral? (This is damn hard to do.... but sooo worth doing)

Pep

<small>[ September 28, 2004, 05:21 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

TSTBC,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">somehow throw your pride away </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And therein lies the rub. How do you do this and keep your dignity?

If your eyes are on the long term goal, you are sacrificing now for the good in the end. Noble thought. How many of us can actually do this?

Damn hard. Especially when in the HERE AND NOW the greatest love of your life is seemingly maliciously doing things to hurt you. And I say seemingly.

But you stiffen your resolve. And the enemy slinks in and whispers in your ear "Oh yeah, what if you suffer all this and it STILL doesn't work?"

Talk about a gamble. These affairs are BIG stakes.

NCW

They all run from the same playbook, you know. My W rewrote the history of our M too. I was incredulous at how mean, awful and abusive I was for our entire M. I should have been locked up! Yet I couldn’t remember for the life of me any of these things she was dredging up. I know for a fact all I have ever done is love her, support her and be the best H I could be. And I couldn’t have been doing such a bad job either. Her A lasted 10 years and she still stuck around. OMM was very mean to her in actuality – he just new how to sweet-talk her into bed any time he felt like it.

I do remember old, old arguments she recalled and threw at me as to why the M was so bad she had to have an A. Yet these were all, almost without exception, arguments she started and escalated. She only remembered my reactions to her own meanness.

Funny thing is, our memories have switched positions. I now have trouble remembering when any EN of mine has ever been met in this M. The whole thing is tainted and I can’t believe I went through such agony for so little. W on the other hand keeps reminding me of all the joy and fun we used to have, even during her A. I am having trouble seeing it as a real M, even in part, though I still love her.

I have received advice on this forum that this is a typical BS stage of recovery. Also written about in Torn Asunder. So I suppose I need to keep the end goal of a better M in mind. But it is getting hard. The landscape is filling up with a fog of my own now.

T

justa..

what type of things is she saying and how do you respond??

Also be very wary that she is not baiting you in to some demonstrative state of anger...so as to slap a restraining order on you.....

It has been done before...

ARK

She is definitely re-writing to a point that her family is helping get out. ww is not realy an action oriented person so SIL is now pulling strings and pushing.

The little things are like

- What took you so long to get home or how did you get home so fast.
- slightly undercooking an egg.
- I was out the other day and i called and asked how the kids were and she started in on this whole unfit mother thing..???

she is just looking for any little thing to justify her own means.

i have been putting my pride aside but this leaves me feeling very lonely and unsure of what i am doing.

im a person too...i have feelings and hurt when pricked. that doesnt seem to matter to anyone. I can put my personal feelings aside for the sake of my childrena nd the big picture but i cant do it forever.

Ark

I am not demonstarting any type of anger....While is was at IC yesterday she took kids and had a talk with them. I guess she figured i was going to blow up on this...I dont think we should invlove the kids in this until we both know what we are doing. She chose to speak to them and told them that we are having porblems becaseu we cannot get over our other daughters death. I dont know if that was the right or wrong thing to do.

justa..
I know you aren't responding with any anger...I'm saying be careful that she doesn't keep pushing and digging at you until you do blow....and then she uses that against you...

you need to learn to answer back her stuff with babble...

She chose to speak to them and told them that we are having porblems becaseu we cannot get over our other daughters death.

well the issue is not telling the kids you are having problems...the issue is her lack of plans to address it...

you should think about enrolling both you and she in a grieving support group...check with the local childrens hospital....local hospice group...and sign BOTH of you up...
what will scare the children is the disclosing of problems...with no plan to work on it....

sign both of you up...tell the kids...mom and I are going to go to ____________
use her words as your guide....

also have you thought more about confronting the OM///telling him to back off from your family.,
also counseling with them here at MB...

ARK

you should probably read orchids post of reverse babble...and you should probably work on removing yourself even more emotionally from her line of fire...while still standing in front of her...
if you can quit trying to focus on what she is saying....and know that all of it is to just push her hurt away.....

if you can start to see the humor and even the insanity of your wife getting mad over undercooking an egg....instead of feeling hurt..it will strengthen your plan A...

Ark..

I have been controlling my anger very well. I calmly talk to her and try to end the conversation. I have to look into the reverse babble thing. I dont do it very well and will re-read the orchid posts.

Ark
I want to thank you again for grounding me through this whole thing. If it wasnt for you and the others here on MB i dont know where i would be today. Thanks

I am going to enroll if not just for myself. I will enroll her as well but i know she wont go.

I often sit back and laugh at the issues that come up but they are also now fueled by SIL.

This SIL is not the same one as before. This is the other SIL that is a recovering alcholic and has bascily ruined every relationship she has ever had in her life. She ruined the relationship with her parents, 2 ex husbands, countless boyfriends, jobs, she has no friends, her two sisters (one of which is my ww)...the list goes on. When my D died she said some very hurtful things becaseu we invited her X to come to the funeral. My wife and SIL did not talk for over 2 years not even at their mothers funeral.

Now they are best friends and this is who ww is listening to. SIL has been in trouble with law and has no custody of her own child. Her child has FAS and is on all sorts of medication.

Since the blow up over the smoke detectors in my house the other night which involved SIL things have been geeting worse. ww talked about separation again last night and is still bringing the incident up. SIL is very vindictive and they speak 10-15 times a day.

with the state of mind that ww is in and the controlling factors of SIL there is not telling what can happen.