I guess I have a update. My husband has been saying that he would be leaving at the end of the month. I have been preparing myself mentally for this happening. Yesterday I finally just had enough and thought if he goes he goes.

Well he came home and said we need to talk. I told him if he just wanted to talk about leaving and planning for it that I didn't really want to talk. He said it's not about that. It's about something you suggested many months ago. He said remember that time when you said give it atleast 3 or 4 months of trying without talking to OW. I said yes. He said do you still want to do that.

I really didn't know how to feel. At first I thought he realized it was getting down to the last few days and he really doesn't want to leave. Then a part of me says well maybe he is just doing this to say at the end of those months that he tried and lets end it. But a part of me is hoping he means it and will really try.

I have been really praying for direction as to what to do the last 2 weeks. And it seems like when I was about to give up he comes to me with this. I do know that today he called OW. His cell minutes are up again. When he came home I asked if and when he wants to try to do what he said. He said soon.

But then he told me something different. Said he was talking to his sister and she feels maybe he just needs a little time away for himself. That he could stay with her. He asked me do you think you can trust me enough to do that so I can get my head on straight. In a way I don't mind if he does go and has time to think about things and maybe even miss us. But not if he is going to go there and call the OW every single night. Plus our baby is due 11/25 and I was really hoping he would be there for me and help me.

Any advice??? I am afraid to get my hopes up. But I see a little hope in what has happened. This is the man last week that was determined to go no matter what and now he seems to be more determined to try and finally end contact. Also his sister called me today and said that he came up to her today and told her that he was going to stop calling OW. I really don't know what to think. Last night I thought this would be a good time to do my best plan A.

<small>[ September 29, 2004, 06:43 AM: Message edited by: SadMarylandLady ]</small>

Hi SML,

I am no expert but I would do my best Plan A now like you said. You don't want any regrets about the way you have acted if he should leave for awhile. I would take the chance to Plan A my butt off also if he decides to NC with OW for three or four months. Put your best foot forward now.

If God forbid you end up going into Plan B at some point you want to know you treated him well, and acted the best you possibly could first.

Hang in there SML, the baby will be here soon and then you won't have all this time to think about things.

Even if he does still go to his sisters for awhile, won't he still help you during the labor and birth? I can't imagine he would leave you alone during that time.

I'm sure others will jump in and offer you more than I have, but I wanted to say hi and wish you well.

Weaver

Weaver,
Thanks for responding. I think now is the time to do my plan A. A really good one. He says if he goes to his sisters that I can call him all I want. And he would still be there for me with the baby. I guess I was worried that he would be still living with his sister leaving me to raise all three kids by myself. I know I can do it but having a new baby is rough and I am sure having a new baby plus a toddler and a 9 year old is even more hard.

I just keep telling myself that maybe this is the answer I have been praying for. I know it's not what I wanted but I know God works in his way I just need to trust him. And if he does end up leaving for good then I will survive and I will know I did everything I could do to make it work.

Plus his sister has been a great support for me these last few months. I am sure she will continue to talk to him while he is with her.

SML, i too am not an expert and can only offer an opinion. you will continually find a common theme here that states that you are the one that will ultimately have to decide what you are willing to do and to not put up with. so with that being said.

it's a tough call, i would approach your H in a plan A/negotiatary mode. if he stays at home then you do have to talk about what your expectations are, not in an ultimatum tone but what it truly means for him to stay and not call OW. which means accountability. this is because of his past actions which speak louder then any words. you could say that you feel he is sincere and would like to give him the benefit of the doubt but because of the circumstances being what they are it would take a lot more for him to just agree to not call ow for you to really believe that he has had NC. but you are willing to help him through this and you have some suggestions about how he could maintain NC.

now if he still wants to move out and i'm not saying that's necessarily bad, it's just that there is no way to ensure he has had NC (in reality there's no 100% to ensure that even if he's at home but i think you get what i mean) so he cannot expect for you to trust him based on his past actions and the inability to know for sure he has had NC. because say he did try it and then returned home then he would still need to do what is necessary to gain your trust and maintain NC. it's not like he can come back and think everything is hunky dorey. does that make sense?

i think it's great that you have such a great support in your SIL but i hate to sound like a broken record. you cannot assume that she will always be hyper viligent in monitoring your H or that she will continue to support you the way she has. i don't want to unduly depress you about that but it's just a reality. it has been said here on the boards where IL's have acted like they are supportive, done many things to make the BS think they were when all the time they were just acting as information gatherers which they brought back to the WS. just continue to be cautious.

as far as your H's support in the delivery, etc. well i really cannot speak to that. but what i can say is your not the first (nor will be the last) to have gone through this. there are many single moms out there doing it every day and you can too if necessary. i think you have started to enter the expect the worse, hope for the best and i think that is wise. i still wish you could counsel w/SH because i feel that would be the most objective and professional feedback you could get specific to your situation. the forums are great but you will not find the total objectiveness in that most are either BS, WS, or the former of the 2.

good luck and continued prayers to you, RR

RR,
Thanks for your advice. I agree that if he stays that we have to work on ways to assure me there is NC. Right now he uses his cell. Which I have access online to his acct. Mainly for making payments and such but I can see the use and calls.

I have taken your advice regarding IL's. I realized like you said that he will always be their son or brother and I have to watch what I say. Lately I have not said much of anything to her. She has taken it upon herself to talk to him about things because he comes to her for advice a lot. She said she is worried about our kids and doesn't want him to do this to them because their father deserted them and they grew up without him in their lives. But I am carefully watching what I say to her.

If he does stay with her I know there is noway to know for sure if there is contact. I can only go by his word which is not much right now. I do believe he would use his cell though that is the only way I would know. Also in the past I knew from the way he treated me when he came home if there was contact or not.

I am at a point where I don't expect much. But I still have hope. Thanks for your prayers and support.

SML, please know that i only want the best for you and i truly want to see you in a fully recovered M. maybe i shouldn't even say this....i don't know........bottom line is we cannot control other people and no matter what we do, we still have to have SOME trust in dealing w/others who have prove themselves untrust worthy. none of us will ever truly know the 100% truth of everything. i would still take my H back tomorrow fully knowing that fact. but who's to say that your H wouldn't have another cell phone? it's been said many many times here of multiple cell phones, etc. used by the WS.

nothing is insurmountable. there are many fully recovered couples all over the world and surely your situation is far from over (long rough road remember). we all want to support you and encourage you, give you reality checks when needed, and pray for a recovery for you. i'll stop being an devils advocate for now. i'm glad to hear what you said about the IL's and you really must take care of yourself with november just around the corner. continue to pray to God for wisdom and direction, and his will in your life as well as your H's. because if we were all doing God's will we would not be in the situations we are in. continued prayers to you, RR

bump

I've read on one of the articles written by the Harley's that if a S says they need to live somewhere else for awhile it almost ALWAYS means they want to continue the A. No I would not trust him, and I would not trust his sister.

He is seriously fogbound and has taught her how to speak fog too. She is not helping the situation, she is in denial about how truly alien-like your H is.

Yes, Plan A your BUTT off, but when he moves out, I think it is an EXCELLENT opportunity to Plan B him. He doesn't want to lose you, he would feel too guilty.

What I think is happening is that he is getting to the end of his time limit and trying to figure out a way to keep you both...looks like he's maneuvered it...and almost has you convinced that he is moving out so he can "think". Whatever, it sounds like the OWstudent wants to come visit and sister wants to meet her... Dear sister will enable him to continue the A because of all the rotten things he's told her about you...

Sorry for the bitterness that is coming out in my post, but how could a man DO this to a pregnant lady???

SHMI,
What you said are the things that I think about sometimes. The last few days he has acted different. Yes I know that he still is in contact with her but not as much as he was. I think it is starting to get old to her and me. I am sure she is also tired of hearing that he is leaving and probably gets tired of waiting around. Which I have been praying about. I don't wish anything bad on her. I just pray she finds someone else or her eyes are opened and she moves on.

My husband decided today that he will be getting a 2nd full time job. He will be basically working at his current job. Going to his sisters and sleeping for about 5 hours then working 10pm till 6am. We have a lot of debt and I know this is one of the things that has caused some of the stress in our marriage. He feels he needs to do this right now so he can pay down some bills and save money. Plus he is very mad at himself because we just got his 2nd cellphone bill and it is 450.00. He said he realizes it has to stop. Plus he threw in the fact that maybe this will help him get him away from other stuff. I said what like OW. He said yes. He will see us on the weekends. So he will not be able to go see her. In a way maybe this is a good thing but I know it will be hard on me but I can do it. I have a great family and they will help if I ask.

I don't think his sister wants to meet OW. She actually wants to call her and ask her what she is doing breaking up a family. His entire family said she is not welcome around them. His sister loves our children very much and considers them like her own. She does not have any yet and she said she does not want them to be hurt by their father.

I am just going to take one day at a time. I don't know where this will go but I think now I do need to plan A and see what happens. He is acting differently and truly seems to be realizing some things. Only time will tell though.

Also I often wonder how he could do this to his pregnant wife. I just realize he is not himself. The man I married would never have done or thought about doing these things.

My prayer is for God to show me how to be a better wife and also to show me the path I am to take. So far he has not failed me and I know he will not this time also.

I went to my doc visit today. I finally told my doctor about everything. He seems concerned because he says I am high risk for postpartum depression. He would like me to continue going to IC and also have a lot of support from friends and family. He said he will be keeping up with me and after the baby is born I may have to go on medication. But I am hoping that is not the case.

When I was walking out he said he was sorry and if there was anything he could do to let him know. He made one last comment that stuck with me. He said sometimes we lose our way and have to find our way back. He said maybe that is the case with your husband.

Ok, fine, yoiu are getting "working on the M" vibes, that is good, he is getting a dose of reality with the bill and the nagging and LBing by OWchild.

Now is NOT the time for him to move out.

Now is the time for you to lay out a path back to the M. Time for SML to be strong. Family and frineds may disagree, but it is time for you to ask for what you know is right...

NC with the OW, ever, no matter what...show cell phone bills and long distance bills every month to prove this. No more visits to where she lives. No keeping track of her. Out of your lives.

Send a NC letter to OW.

Continue MC

Read SAA and His Needs Her Needs.

And what else? a promise that you both will fill top EN's? (What are those?)

And live in the same house.


If he balks at NC or living in the same house, it means he has a plan to keep in contact, sit on the fence, and be a cakeman.


Sorry to be blunt, you seem like you have been very sweet about this whole situation. Time to stand up to this foolishness and say "Enough is Enough!!"

Sad,

Now, you have to follow the advice that you think makes sense to you because this is your life. Don't do anything that you're uncomfortable with.

I too was pregnant with a todler during my H's A and it was exhausting. I wish I would've let go of the situation and just took care of myself. Obsessing is such a drag and never helped my quality of life. Here is what I wish I would've done:

1. I wish I would've stoped pressuring, criticizing, and complaining (it took too much energy and can easily seem like whining).
2. I wish I acted happy more often around my H. MY sad mood influnced his sad mood and the spiral went down and down compounding our anxiety around each other. This also seemed to foster my H's doubts about our M.
3. I wish I got a life earlier. I go out with friends, am not always available to H, plan fun activities with and without him. H is very intriguied and it is such a relief to think and plan FUN things. My toddler is really benefiting from this as well. I put my life on hold until my marriage got better. Well, my M was only getting worse the more pressure I put on it. Now that I've gotten a life and am working to make myself happy, my H is also more relaxed and our time together is becoming more enjoyable.
4. Stop pressuring my H. For me this has meant not guilting my H, stopped starting any relationshipp conversations, monitoring my H, and not sharing my insecurities. I can't control his actions and don't know why I let myself try to get H to do what I wanted when he resisted all of my requests.

I guess I would Plan A. Be supportive of your H. If he needs time alone - fine. You respect his wishes. Put a positive spin on his request and support him. If he chooses to continue in A that's his responsibility. Frankly, you are a busy woman. You'd prefer it if he was at home, but realize he needs space to figure things out.

This is just my opinion. I tried so hard to help my H heal or recover, but with a 3 month old and almost 2 year old daughter - stop trying to help/control my H has been the most freeing thing ever. My H has responded more to my trust that he is capable of taking care of himself than anything else.

Loy,
Your post really made sense. The last 9 months I have totally focused on my husband and I have been doing all the things you wish you wouldn't have done.

I am trying to respect him and his wish for time to clear his head. Yes for me it will be hard but if he comes back more willing to work on the marriage I think it will be worth it. If he does choose to continue the A then that is his choice and then I will go to plan B.

I have been focusing on myself more each day. Yes it's hard at times especially when it was getting to the point where he was calling her and checking up on her right in our own house when I was there. But I do notice changes in him and his thinking.

Pretty soon I will be very busy and I won't have a lot of time to focus on the whole situation. Which I am looking forward to. Also maybe him staying with his sister will do us both good. And also maybe it will give him a chance to miss us and realize what he was about to give up. Who knows... Anything is possible I guess. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi SML

As you know, my sitch is VERY similar to yours. My D is now almost 5 months old. It has been so hard to take care of 3 (mine are almost the same age, too!) but you really do get used to it. We just did baths and PJ's and the kids are happy, well-fed and very much loved by their mommy. YOU need to be the stable one for them at all times. He is a foghead who cannot be trusted under any circumstances.

I had no choice, though, since Fogman doesn't live here. It was so much worse having him around and going out every single night until 3-4 AM. OMG, I cringe just remembering it.

Contrary to my own experience though, I would take advantage of his offer of NC, but see if he will stay with you if possible. The others are right when they say he is wanting to leave to freely explore this A. I know this is so hard to hear and accept, but you MUST. He is not going to clear his head at his sister's house, believe me. If he gives you a really hard time about staying, then there is your answer. He is addicted and will say just about anything so he can cake-eat and fence-sit at your family's expense. He is trying to have you both.

This is a good time to state your boundaries, SML.

I would be rich if I had a dollar for every time Fogman said he was working on it!! Filthy rich!! It is pure fogtalk unless he writes a NC letter with you and stays at home to work on your M. Anything less is not acceptable.

I don't wanna be the bearer of the 2x4, but no action means nothing has changed...yet.