Just a quick recap on my situation. H had a four year A with woman old enough to be his daughter. I found out in December 2004, so I am approximately 9 months since D-day.

Yesterday he asked what sort of a day I had, I told him that I had a very "down" day. . .to which he replied, "I can't understand why you are still have days like that".

My H refuses point blank to discuss the A and reacts with anger to any referral to the A. I would like as many MB members to tell my H why I still have bad days and I am going to print them out for him to read. Maybe is he sees what others have gone through he will understand my pain a little.

enid-he doesn't get it because he cannot understand the amount of pain a BS goes thru. It is very, very painful, but he cannot understand because he really didn't have that much feeling invested in his OW so he thinks you should be over it. What he doesn't understand is that the marriage YOU had is over. It is now a new marriage. A marriage that has survived infidelity. His marriage hasn't changed because you didn't cheat on him. (Don't-but if you had he might understand-don't do it though-best advice my mother ever gave me). You are greving the loss of the marriage you once had-it is gone and NEVER will be the same. THe WS doesn't get that. Can it be a great marriage-yes. Can you forgive-yes. Can you forget-never-not humanly possible. It is part of your history, and you had no choice. Your WS made the choice for you. Now you both have to live with this.

Enid-you need to vent this all out, but I have some advice for you. If he is commited to recovery, then maybe you could think of a way he could make it up to you-I know there is no way-but think of something nice he can do. Coffee in bed? Trip alone? Bumper sticker that says I love my wife...whatever. Then at some point you need to let this go. He does not deserve a life sentence for having an affair. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

9 months is really a short time. I am 4 years out. I still think about the affair everyday. I just don't tell him that anymore. He's sorry-I know. There is enough love there to let it go. You'll get there. Come here and vent like I do. It really helps-better yet, help another who is just going thru it. That is my therapy. I never say why me. I always say-why not me-what makes me so special. Hope this helps. Your feelings are justified, but at some point it doesn't help and becomes destructive to you. Hang in there- sorry for the typos...ina hurry

bump

(Whack)
That was my 2x4 for your H, enid!

I only have one thing to add: validation of feelings.

One thing I had to learn the hard way (and still learning. It's all part of the whole communication, thingy, ya know?

He needs to understand that he was wrong, and yes, it may come up from time to time. And whether or not you're "over it", it was HIM that caused it. So tell him to "get over it" and start dealing with you as a whole, including your feelings.

That's my story, and I'm stickin' to it!

(Sorry so forward. It's like an ex-smoker, I suppose--they are the "worst" anti-smokers! They've BTDT, and even just the insinuation of "just get over it" really p!sses me off (for you!)

Best wishes to you!

^

I'm sorry I had my little rant before...
Is he open to counseling? If not, maybe validating your feelings to a professional will help. No, it's not your H, but if your H doesn't want to work on his M, then you can at least work on you.

<small>[ September 30, 2004, 02:03 AM: Message edited by: LINY ]</small>

I found this on a wayward husband site-it really sums it up

http://207.234.141.192/members/ubbcgi/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=4;t=000277