Any thoughts on this?

Passive/Aggressive?

What would this be considered?

Just_Friends_NOT

Just - I don't understand your question.

Please ask it using a few more words?

Are you asking how to contact an OP's spouse if aggressive behavior is expected? Or what to do when this happens?

Sorry for not being clear.

Is BS contacting OPS (other person's spouse) considered agressive behavior?

If it is done in a non-threatening manner and only states the facts that the BS has uncovered.

Just_Friends_NOT

No way.
I would call it active/assertive

It is doing something and not letting the wayward spouse and OP dictate the unfolding of the events.

No way.
I would call it active/assertive

It is doing something and not letting the wayward spouse and OP dictate the unfolding of the events.

As in all other judgements, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.

No matter how a BS exposes an affair to an OP's spouse, the WS's will be livid, angry, pissed off, accusatory, defensive, and likely will deny everything. AND, they may accuse a BS of being vengeful, hurtful, invading their privacy, and even harming the children. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Have you not done this yet? What are you waiting for? Delays in any exposure - especially exposure to OP's spouses - lessen the likelihood of recovery.

WAT

<small>[ September 29, 2004, 11:39 AM: Message edited by: Just_Friends_NOT ]</small>

<small>[ September 29, 2004, 11:41 AM: Message edited by: Just_Friends_NOT ]</small>

No matter how a BS exposes an affair to an OP's spouse, the WS's will be livid, angry, pissed off, accusatory, defensive, and likely will deny everything. AND, they may accuse a BS of being vengeful, hurtful, invading their privacy, and even harming the children.

Bingo! You hit the nail on the head. How can you successfully convey the reasoning to WW/WH?

Have you not done this yet? What are you waiting for? Delays in any exposure - especially exposure to OP's spouses - lessen the likelihood of recovery.

I did and the above is exactly what happened. "You did it to make yourself feel good." is the comment I got from my W. OMW called OM right after she got the e-mail. I imagine it really shocked the OMW and I think she had no idea that this "friendship" (EA) existed. OM e-mailed me and even said the details in the e-mail I sent to his wife were not inaccurate.

Just_Friends_NOT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just_Friends_NOT:
<strong>How can you successfully convey the reasoning to WW/WH?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You cannot.

Why are you trying to reason with them?

WAT

WAT: No matter how a BS exposes an affair to an OP's spouse, the WS's will be livid, angry, pissed off, accusatory, defensive, and likely will deny everything. AND, they may accuse a BS of being vengeful, hurtful, invading their privacy, and even harming the children.

JFN:Bingo! You hit the nail on the head. How can you successfully convey the reasoning to WW/WH?

WAT: Have you not done this yet? What are you waiting for? Delays in any exposure - especially exposure to OP's spouses - lessen the likelihood of recovery.

JFN: I did and the above is exactly what happened. "You did it to make yourself feel good." is the comment I got from my W. OMW called OM right after she got the e-mail. I imagine it really shocked the OMW and I think she had no idea that this "friendship" (EA) existed. OM e-mailed me and even said the details in the e-mail I sent to his wife were not inaccurate.

JFN, Okay, I'm confused. You sent an email exposing the email relationship to the OMW's workplace and she then forwarded it to her H. The "OM" is an old college friend who is also a psychiatrist and lives out of state.

You and your wife have been having ongoing marital problems, further she had concerns based on your behavior that you are not being properly medicated. You have seen the emails and admit that there is NOTHING romantic in them. You called the emails intimate but that is because she was discussing your behavior and marital woes with the pysh. friend.

She has begun MC and is reading Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. MC agrees a reevaluation of your meds is in order. Wife has agreed to confine herself to the MC and cease emailing the psych friend with your marital issues. "OMW" did not respond to you but you did receive this email from the "OM":

------------------------------------------------
Hi BS -

We have not had a chance to visit - perhaps that in itself has contributed to our current situation. My wife called me this morning to mention that she received an email from you that concerned her. She forwarded it to me at home and I have had a chance to read it - it concerns me as well. I think maybe it is time to talk about a few things.

Please understand, I did not find your letter to be offensive, or really even inaccurate in the details. The conclusions are another matter, and maybe spending a few moments talking about things will put your mind at ease.

Please give me a call on the number you mentioned in your email, XXX-XXX-XXXX. I will be available until 2:30pm EST.
-----------------------------------------------

You initially didn't even want to open the email and showed hesitation to respond. A few posts later you told us that you would contact the man and discuss this with him. (by email, I believe) Have you done so? If so, what is the response?

What is confusing to me about your question is that you are posting as if you are a bonefide BS which it is not at all apparent given the FACTS. Has something else transpired to make you think otherwise ? You refer to an "EA" when in reality this may be (as I told you before) your wife using an old friendship to get some free MC. It may not have been the wisest thing to do but there are worse and face it, this has a perfectly reasonable explanation.

I am concerned that you are making much more of this than you should thereby causing even MORE problems in your marriage. I realise that it may have looked as if your wife's actions fell handily into the catagory of an EA but there were NO romantic undertones to them on EITHER end. You KNOW this.

The only thing that looked remotely *off* was that she emailed late at night but aside from scheduling issues, the OM does live out of state and is possibly (probably?) in a different time zone. She has agreed to changes, and has taken the neccesary steps to make them but your assumption has got to be upsetting to her. Her reaction would be completely understandable if you are reading too much into this. We deal heavily with infidelity on this site but hat does not mean it applies in ALL cases. Yours is extremely questionable to say the least. Be thankful!

Have you made the appointment to get the meds reevaluated yet? This is important for you to keep a clear head. If she did have an EA then you want to be in good mental condition to deal with it but it doesn't look like you have THAT issue based on what you have posted. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> How much reading have you done of the basic concepts on this site? Do you feel that there are changes the two of you can make in the marriage based on what you have read? KB

JFN, Okay, I'm confused. You sent an email exposing the email relationship to the OMW's workplace and she then forwarded it to her H. The "OM" is an old college friend who is also a psychiatrist and lives out of state.

This is correct.

You and your wife have been having ongoing marital problems, further she had concerns based on your behavior that you are not being properly medicated.

Medication was prescribed after I found out about the EA. I was not aware of marital problems, until I found out about EA. Lost 30 lbs after I found out about EA too.


You have seen the emails and admit that there is NOTHING romantic in them. You called the emails intimate but that is because she was discussing your behavior and marital woes with the pysh. friend.

I feel EA's do not have to be explicitly "romantic". They are roughly defined by Secrecy and Intimacy. Before I found out about EA, W was really withdrawn from me. She was communicating with OM with Yahoo e-mail account (not our shared e-mail account), she would have angry outburst towards me and our sons over the littlest things, she would get out of bed in the middle of the night to Instant Message with OM and they would IM multiple times throughout the day, she started sending pictures, and even started asking OM to call her on her cell phone and deleting the call history after he called. If this wasn't a full blown EA, it was headed down the "Slippery Slope". Even after I expressed how uncomfortable I was with the friendship. They still continued to e-mail and she would delete the Internet Explorer "History files" on our computer. She siad she had to "check up" on OM to see how he was doing. She also lied about why she cleared out the "history". If this was a form of therapy, it was not helping our marriage. This friendship was born out of secrecy. I think anyone would have a hard time accepting the continuation of this type of relationship by their spouse.

You initially didn't even want to open the email and showed hesitation to respond. A few posts later you told us that you would contact the man and discuss this with him. (by email, I believe) Have you done so? If so, what is the response?

I e-mailed OM and I have not received a response.

You refer to an "EA" when in reality this may be (as I told you before) your wife using an old friendship to get some free MC.

I was able to read some of the e-mails between W and OM. She was expressing her anger towards me to OM and he was responding with negative comments about me reinforcing these comments. She was telling me one thing and then telling him the opposite. She was mocking us going to MC to the OM and telling me she wanted to go to MC and was comfortable with the MC. OM also made comments like "Things should disappear from the computer once you logoff."

Have you made the appointment to get the meds reevaluated yet?

I saw my PCP, who prescribed the meds, and he said the medication looks to be giving the desired results.

I agree this is not as bad as other stories told, but her actions were not her normal self. I asked her what if it was you on the other side? She said, "You're right.", but she still needed to continue this relationship.

Just_Friends_NOT

<small>[ September 29, 2004, 04:44 PM: Message edited by: Just_Friends_NOT ]</small>

Quote from JFN:

Medication was prescribed after I found out about the EA. I was not aware of marital problems, until I found out about EA. Lost 30 lbs after I found out about EA too.

I can understand you not being aware of marital problems JFN, but you wife certainly was. You posted back in June that your wife "was and is afraid" of you. You also posted a list of the characteristics of an Abuser which you said fit you to a "T".

Please understand that I tend to respond to and remember abuse threads so yours did stand out mostly because of your brave admission and obvious willingness to change. Good for you! I'd like to encourage you to continue to work on this issue for the sake of your marriage and not focus so much on the supposed EA.

Your wife tried to get help in a way that was not beneficial to your relationship but that has changed. You are both in MC now and she has agreed to stop turning to the psychiatrist friend. Your challenge now is to keep the focus where it should be, not on where you think it might have been.

Yes, *perhaps* in time it could have bloomed into a true EA but right now you both have a golden opportunity to change things for the better. You want to be a safe person for your wife to turn to. You do not want her (or the children) to be afraid of you any longer. She would not exhibit protective behaviors if she felt safe around you.

The problem with placing too much focus on her "Slippery Slope" relationship is that it's not going to put you in the frame of mind necessary to do your own healing or that of the marriage. I'm hoping to get you to understand that it is not in your best interest to be so quick or willing to step into a BSs shoes if it is not irrefutably (sp?) clear that you are.

This site lends itself to infidelity suspicions obviously but if the shoe doesn't fit, WHY wear it? Like I said, be thankful it was what it was and so easily explainable to boot. It's out in the open and now you can deal with it in a reasonable manner. Look ahead to the future, keep your eyes and ears open not only to HER behavior but to YOUR OWN as well. You've got a major shot at recovering a healthy marriage JFN, you sound like a thoughful and self aware man.

I hope I haven't offended you entirely, you probably think I'm on your case. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Actually, I'd like nothing better than to see you and your wife work this out without any more unnecessary omplications. You both have enough on your plate already doncha think? Best, KB

No, I don't think you can reason with a WS about why you exposed, but I do think the reasons that you do give are important.

The question is, what are good reasons?
I think that depends totally on the type of
person the WS is.

For some people, a simple,
"I just wanted to be sure everyone was on the same level regarding the truth."
may be all that's needed.
or
"Because I am fighting for you and our marriage."
may work. Just a couple of examples.... There are plenty of other good ways and reasons to diffuse the anger to a degree.

I can understand you not being aware of marital problems JFN, but you wife certainly was. You posted back in June that your wife "was and is afraid" of you. You also posted a list of the characteristics of an Abuser which you said fit you to a "T".

She was afraid of me because of the way I was acting when I found out about the "friendship".

I agree, I need to move forward and I am. As it has been stated before, healing can not start until the threat is removed from the marriage. Now that my W has agreed to not e-mail or contact OM, I feel more secure. My W and I have a better understanding now and we are working together.

Just_Friends_NOT