I will try to keep this brief, here is a short summary...probably nothing to say but just thought I would see what you might think.

We filed a little over 3 months ago...after a helluva Plan A on my part which seemed to make no difference at all...I just could not take any more lies and finally realized it takes 2 people to work at a M/relationship. I never could regain trust as she was never able to open up to me...lo and behold, NC was never established (her A was with an out of state married co-worker)....she told me mid-Feb they were no longer talking and I purchased the mid-March - mid-April cell phone listing in early May-she called him 50X....and when I confronted her she said he is pursuing her and she has a plan to end it...so it never was over, that was the last straw to break my back. I then exposed the A to the OM wife.

So, mid-June she left the D paperwork for me, I completed my portion and she did hers and took the paperwork and called me and asked "Well, I'm on my way to the courthouse with the paperwork, is there anything you want to say to me?" My response---just get me a copy!

At this time I told her I do not need to hear what is going on with your life or your day and if we talk it's about the business at hand and I am no longer your friend.

The next few weeks she would call and typically ask at the end of each call: "Is there anything you want to say to me or Is there anything else we need to talk about"....my response, no.

She then asked late July (after earlier threatening me with a restraining order): "Hey, it's me, I thought I might have cut you off before and maybe you wanted to talk some more?" Me: no, just send the checks like we talked about.

She took an out of state job and moved out in August....since then no personal discussion about anything except selling our home..until 2 weeks ago....our house is for sale and documents required signature and she was back in town for 2 days and said "What are you avoiding me?" after I told her I had made plans for that evening.

So, I never call...and last I heard from her was on 9/11...she calls yesterday, talk briefly about the home and such and she asks "Is there anything else we need to talk about?" No.."How is your day going?"...okay...."You have a good rest of the day, okay?"...sure....

Maybe she thinks I am still waiting around for her and cannot believe the 180 I have done?

Thanks for your thoughts as always.

Did you ever give her a Plan B letter?

Believer-no, I went straight to D.

My story above is just a nutshell of what transpired...but pretty much I did a complete 180...literally went from buying 2 dozen roses for her, date night dinner, champagne, etc. to one-week later ending it after catching her in the lies..okay, it took 4 more weeks to file but I never looked back.

I guess my simple question is more complicated.

Hmmm. Well you skipped a step, the Plan B letter. It sounds to me that she would like to get back with you, but does not know how.

Hd you sent her a clear Plan B letter, she would realize that no contact with OM was a prerequisite for working on your relationship.

Nature - I think an important question here is, what do you want? Do you want to try and reconcile with her or are you done and ready to finalize the divorce? Either way, I think you guys need to talk and close the loop.

Believer: I really do not believe she wants this...based upon information from mutual friends awhile back. She apparently is involved with another guy (not the married co-worker)...but met another guy...and told our mutual friend she is planning on staying with the first guy through the holidays and then getting rid of him to stay with the new guy....what a scumbag...

kloe72: I know I do not want this, too many character flaws in her that I believe would eventually lead to another A..she never did believe in MC and rarely showed any remorse for what she did.

So, I was just curious about this pattern of calls, that's all. I rarely contact her and if so it is about the home or previously the financial affidavit paperwork for the D and I stick to the biz at hand. I do not act personally, no questions, etc. as we are D...no time left for personal chit chat.

I guess she is just trying to be friendly.

Nature,

Let me see if I can summarize (for myself, and for those following along):

Your WW had an A with an out-of-state MM.

Their contact was primarily phone or email, not in person meetings.

You immediately went into full-fledged Plan A with romance, flowers, conversation, attention, time, etc. Basically, you tried to win her back.

This did not even make a dent in her A, so at a certain point (after several months) you decided that your LB was empty and she was not changing.

She left D papers with you, and you did not resist...you just filled them out and basically went into Plan D with no contact. Thus, within a very short time you went from trying to win her back to NO CONTACT.

Now, she rarely if ever contacts you, but when she does, she asks, "Is there anything else you want to say to me?" or something close to that.

AND...

Your basic question is "Why in the heck does she keep asking me that?"

Is that it in a nutshell???

Here's my educated guess. She had an A--this is an established fact. She did not end it--this is also a fact. You tried to woo her, and she had TWO men kind of paying attention and treating her romantically. ALL-OF-A-SUDDEN you just drop off the face of the earth and don't even talk to her! It's a MYSTERY to her.

My suggestion to you, Nature, would be two things. First, I would suggest that you write her a formal Plan B letter, and here's why. You may understand that you are doing Plan B-style no contact, but she doesn't. She does not understand why you just suddenly (in her mind) disappeared off the face of the earth. So, by writing a Plan B letter, you can explain to her why you did what you did. And correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds to me as if you have no desire whatsoever to save your love for her and restore the marriage---you have lost too much respect for her. However, as you write your Plan B letter, you can use it to explain why you don't talk to her anymore, why you are NC in order to save what respect for her is left, and why you need NC in order to protect your own heart. See what I mean?

Second, I would suggest that you ask HER that question right on back! Ask HER if she has anything she wants to say to you! My guess is that she wants you to take the first step and say, "Yes, I miss you and wish this didn't happen" but if you ask her, maybe she actually does have something she wants to say! You won't know until you ask. And I don't mean this mean, but maybe you don't care--I get that. Maybe you don't give one hoot if she wants to say something to you, but I think it might be why she is asking you...so you will ask her.


CJ

FNCJ---let me clarify, she was involved in a 9 month PA...I found on my own about one year ago and it devastated me...I went to C on my own an tried to show her my best Plan A which had begun prior to finding out about the A..what I did not initially do was expose the A....but later in November it apparently was over for a little while, not by her choice from what I gather...anyway, she sort of came back and things seemed to be getting better...but all the while I could not trust her, she never opened up, I never had access to cell bills, etc..and I was so dreadfully insecure and desired her physically like you wouldn't believe....and mid-May caught her in the lies which is when I exposed it to the OMW...I should also mention she began talking with this "new guy" last year, platonic as far as I know...but took up with him physically after I told her I wanted out.

I fought so long for this...and now ?? I just don't care and realize how do you see a cheating liar??? This is what she has turned into...fed by her career success...she makes 6 figures and turned into the jewelry nut..literally watching the channel daily for a hour or so...

I do understand your Plan B letter...I will have to think about this...I really don't care anymore so what's the use?

And you are correct, I am guessing she wants me to maybe crack just a little...and I believe she wants this to feed her HUGE EGOTISTICAL HEAD, that is all..and I am not willing to do that...I probably would if I thought this was worth saving but I did everything I could and will not be held out to dry once again...especially knowing how she currently is using people left and right.

I now realize most women would LOVE a guy like me and am much stronger. I must say I am a rare gem from what I have been told.

I really want her to get a taste of her own medicine, if you know what I mean.

Thanks for the thoughts, I need to dwell on this, at least just a little.

Hi Nature,

I agree that your WW is looking to talk with you again,for some unknown reason right now,but she is still resistent to taking any action to put forth a positive turn around to the situation.

I also agree that at this point,what have you got to lose in asking her if there is anything SHE wants to say to YOU like was mentioned.It's almost like she is waiting for her apology. :rolleyes:The wording that she speaks of is very self serving.It sounds like a trap but who knows for sure.Be careful whatever you do.Keep us posted.

O

If you don't really care anymore,don't play into her game.Just keep to your plan and protect yourself.

OG, thanks for your input as always.

If I was in her shoes...and wanted me, the M, the relationship, knowing it is slipping away and almost gone...and I will potentially be paying some alimony, the D is apparently going through...well, I would work pretty darn hard at letting the other person know where my head is at, write a letter maybe, something to let them know I still care and they still mean something to me, apologize, etc.

But, remember who we are dealing with here:
1. very immature, center of attention type of person, classic "cake eater"
2. rarely admitted to being wrong throughout our M, let alone her A...ok, she admitted wrongdoing and showed some remorse for the A, but very little
3. blamed this whole mess on me...classic lines of "it was never about him but the issues between us", "you drove me away", etc. Always deflecting the blame to me.
4. her career/job is the most important thing to her..along with money....and I do not make as much as her...how shallow and materialistic and downright just not a good person...

This is why I am just a little curious about these calls....my guess is the current dude she is with is not cutting the mustard for her....and she always knew I was there, the proverbial "steady eddy" fallback guy.

So, maybe we are reading more into this, who knows...and really, who cares?

So, assuming she even asks again, I will ask her....but that may not happen as my attorney just put forth the proposal to them...and my guess is she will be PO'd knowing I am going for every dime I can....and I cannot see to writing a Plan B letter....there really is nothing left to say.

Nature

Well.....

Some thoughts falling out of my grey matter....

Why, if you are "done", are you posting this on a MB; ie, marriage saving site?

Why, if you are "done", do you wonder why she keeps asking if you have anything to say?

Are you sure you are ready to sign off on the M, and move on, without knowing everything has been done to make the marriage work?

Are you sure the information about the #2 guy, and the failing of the R with the #1 guy is factual, and verifible?

Are you afraid of your own reactions if she wants to come back and try to make things work?

Are you afraid if you allow her to come back, you'll be right back in this mess in the future with #3 or #4 OM's, based on her last known opinion of MC and reconciliation? (I would be too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> )

Are you still in love with her, in spite of all that's transpired?

I don't mean this to be sarcastic or cynical, but I read some mixed emotions in your post. I'm throwing these questions out to you in rhetorical fashion, however, if you answer them here, you may get more helpful input.

I read it that you still love her, but are reluctant to get back in the fray, and perhaps too tired to enter the very hard work of recovery. Or, you are afraid your efforts might fail.

Just MHO.

Best wishes
SD

<small>[ September 29, 2004, 03:29 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

SD, I appreciate your input.

I was just curious about this issue and that is why I posted the question.

I was ready and willing to work at this awhile ago....but she never was...and I have confirmation she is using the current BF and sleeping with this new guy...with the plan to dump the BF at some point..apparently she needs the BF for some handy man work in her new apartment..talk about a taker!

I really cannot say what else I could do..and ultimately realize this same crap would be happening to me...I mean, once a cheater, always a cheater...until the cheater realizes what they have done and wants to make amends for it....this never happened and thank God I am done!!!

Maybe I still have some sort of feeling, but I would not call it love.

Two days from now is the 10th wedding anniversary...I bet my cards she will call, playing up the day to toy with me....watch out b+++#++#, you don't want to fool with Nature!!!