Waking up-

Wow... I think you will understand this (as will most WS who were emotionally involved).

When I came to the OW and told her that I wanted to "do the right thing" and go back to my W and try to repair my M" it was something that caught her completely offguard. One day everything in the A was fine and the next day I told her it was over. She wasn't a happy camper. I had emotionally been dealing with this for several months but she thought everything was fine. Yikes... that's when things got crazy.

At first there was obvious disbelief then flood of emotions (from the OW) from depression and threats of sucide to anger and threats of exposure (to work, family, W). Then the guilt. "If you loved me you wouldn't have done this to me". "You must have just used me". My problem was that I wanted (like most of us) to leave the relationship feeling good about the past and not hurting this OW who I had cared for.

In my mind I wanted to sit down and have a nice conversation where we would express the fun times shared, hug, wish each other the best in our future and walk away feeling all good about life.

It just doesn't work that way. The calls started. She would call my cell phone (I had a special cell phone for her) so I disconnected it. She started calling my work cell phone and I would ignore the calls. She would leave messages on that phone...everything from "I miss you" to "You're a jerk and I hate you (edited)). She would call and then I would finally answer. The trick that got me were the comments like "I loved you and you must not have ever cared about me or you wouldn't have just dropped me not caring about how I am even doing". I'm a nice guy and didn't want to be thought of as an insensitive, uncaring jerk. So I would talk to her.

By now I had given my wife all passwords and access to my cell logs. My W could see I was occasionally talking to OW. NOT GOOD. But I was guilt ridden and wanted to walk away from the A feeling good. YUCK. I would do good for a few days and then answer. I would get mad at myself and go a few more days...even a week and then answer. I begged her to quit calling but she would say that she just had to know I was alright. After two years she deserved that courtesy (SO SHE SAID). This strung out the final goodbye for almost two months.

Lessons learned... You can't walk away feeling good. You just have to bite the bullet and walk away. You will feel bad about what you've done but the OP is an adult and is responsible for their own feelings. They will hurt... they will get over it... they will move on. BUT... IT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM ANYMORE!

So... Don't fall into the same trap (and it is a trap). It's hard... It hurts... BUT you have to walk away.

Does that explain anything? I think FL went through much of the same.

2scared

2scared,

i was reading your post and thinking to myself, thank God i didn't have to go thru that!!! then i read your last line... mine was much different. we were NOT in love with each other, nor did we ever pretend we were. yes, it took a long time to finally end it, not because of feelings, not because of wanting to not hurt each other and walk away feeling good but because we were BOTH just addicted.

we didn't want to let go of what it was that we got out of the relationship, for him i am sure it was 100% sex (although i guess i should not speak for him, nor do i care) for me, honestly, i think i'm still trying to figure it out. it was certainly not love, but it was not really just the sex, i think the reason changed from wanting to feel desired to wanting to beat myself up. for a long time at the end, i would hate myself even before i would get there and say things to myself saying, "SEE YOU ARE A TERRIBLE PERSON!!! there is no hope" but even while beating myself up there was still some part of me that did like the feeling of still being desired. i don't know, it's all still so confusing!!! this is where IC is helping me so much!!

bottomline, it was a very destructive relationship for both of us, it was a terrible betrayal of my marriage and it deeply wounded my husband.

2scared-

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

That is exactally how I feel, or would like it to end anyways.

He told me the other day that he and his brother were talking and his bro asked him what he would do if I didn't leave. OM said he would have to go on with his life, he can't make me leave. He would remember the love we shared, it was real and he would carry it with him forever. He would always think of me when he was with someone else because they would be his 2nd choice. (cringe)

I hear in my head another scenario: OM saying, how could you do this to us?? Our love is stronger than anything, we can get through this. I also hear him mocking my faith, I should have though of God before I stepped into OM's life. I believe hipocrit is the word..

I have broke it off before because of my faith, wanting to do what's right by God and my family. This time I am 100% committed, I just feel like a loser and very sorry to have participated in the A. Sorry for the lies and deceit.

The ending is coming, I pray constantly for strenght and courage and know that when it is done a tremendous burdon will be lifted.

Have you heard of Kenneth Copeland? I received his monthly magazine, there was an article in there that talked about bringing out the big guns when fighting the enemy. The big gun is thanksgiving...I am thanking God contiually that He is in control and will never leave me or forsake me and will take care of me, my family and yes, even OM. OM needs God just like we all do.

I have been reading your story through other threads. My heart goes out to you and I know that God will honor your walk with him and trying to do the right thing. Forgiveness is the key as we both know. Just keep praying that God will soften your wife's heart, remove from her her heart of stone and give her a heart of love. EZ. 11:19.

You are in my prayers. Thank you for your support and honest answers.

WU

WU & JL-

I would like to add a few comments so that I'm not misunderstood. When the fog is thick, the feelings of acceptance and desire appear to be love. I guess in a rough sense of the word the feelings are a type of love, but not the love you think it is. The longer you get away from the relationship and the fog, the more you realize the deception that gripped your heart. Looking back... the feelings were addictive but the love I shared with my W were deep and built on maturity.

FL- My relationship with the OW was not built on sex either... I was so starved for the feeling of desire and affection that my walls caved (I am ashamed to admit). I am determined that whatever happens, those walls will be rebuilt and reinforced so that my future will be A proof. I was so captivated by the feeling of being wanted and desired.

WU- Don't let those guilt triggers manipulate your response. You WILL regret it if you do.

2scared

WU-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Have you heard of Kenneth Copeland? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I have. My faith and relationship with God is what has sustained me through this mess. He has carried me when my strength was gone.

Interestingly enough... I led the OW to the Lord while in the A. I guess that's kinda sick but at least some positive came out of it. Also, through my encouragment (I wasn't the one who directly led him to the Lord) her son also came to Jesus.

My OW knew how deeply my faith was part of me and didnt use the hypecrete card. She did say I should have listened to the voice of God a long time before I did. She thought I should have decided at the begining before it went so long... She was right.

2scared

2scared,

not sure if you took what i said the wrong way. i actually feel worse about the fact that, in my case, there was no, even fantasy, love talk. i mean, on one hand i am very glad, that would of been so much harder to deal with, as it was it was very hard for me to pull out of it all, but on the other hand i think, what kind of person am i? keep in mind, the OM was a person that i met in a chat room and that i agreed to meet in person 3 days later (during the initial chat) and ended up going to his apt within a weeks time.

that just seems so much more ugly than the "normal" scenerio. i.e. the WS and OP know each other some already, start to talk more, ENs start to be met and then PA starts.

WU-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Have you heard of Kenneth Copeland? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I have. My faith and relationship with God is what has sustained me through this mess. He has carried me when my strength was gone.

Interestingly enough... I led the OW to the Lord while in the A. I guess that's kinda sick but at least some positive came out of it. Also, through my encouragment (I wasn't the one who directly led him to the Lord) her son also came to Jesus.

My OW knew how deeply my faith was part of me and didnt use the hypecrete card. She did say I should have listened to the voice of God a long time before I did. She thought I should have decided at the begining before it went so long... She was right.

2scared

2scared, your post was duplicated and i'm not sure you saw my post or not. not that you have to respond. just wanted to make sure you saw it.

i'm taking of for the day.

FL-

Thanks for pointing that out. I hadn't noticed your post. I didn't take offense to your post and you as a person...well, we are all sinners. You're not any worse than any one of us. We have all done things that we're ashamed of.

The point is now we are on track, learning, and working to keep it from happening again. It's hard.

Hang in there! We are all here for each other. We've already proven we can stumble and fall... now we try to prove we can walk out and regain our integrity.

2scared

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> now we try to prove we can walk out and regain our integrity. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">agree <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

2scared

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Interestingly enough... I led the OW to the Lord while in the A. I guess that's kinda sick but at least some positive came out of it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hear you. OM received the Lord when he was a small boy, but other than that, he did not have a relationship. During our A, I talked alot about God, how I wanted things right with God, wanted OM to pursue a relationship with God. OM did pray more than ever during our A, he prayed that we would be together....well, you know God isn't going to answer that prayer. I can only hope after the final breaking off, he will turned to God with his whole heart and get right with him.

Question: Do you think it is proper to continue to pray for OM? I have mixed feelings. I think because I know OM I can pray more specifically, but also, because I know OM so well, my praying for him may keep him "alive" in my heart which probably wouldn't be a good thing..Thoughts?

Also, I understand your statement about love and being in the fog. If I take Gods definition of love: To do what is good, right and proper for the person you love, then definately, I did not love OM or anyone else for that matter. I was being very selfish. Now, by ending the A, I am truly loving OM, H and kids. Make sense?

Waking Up....

I've been watching your thread daily, wishing my WH would read it.

The situation of 2scared is so very close to that of WH.

I have taken the liberty of printing out 2scared's post from 10-21-2004 @ 8:46 a.m.

Tonight, I will ask WH to read it. He has supposedly broken up with OW. Gave her special adultery cell phones back to her. I have no proof of any of this.

He has moved home from his apartment. But my gut feeling is that he is still in contact with OW. He's too possessive of his work and personal cell phones. He knows I've looked at the call logs on them in the past (still am, actually).

They work in the same building.

2scared---do you have any advice for me regarding my situation? I want to talk to WH about all of this, but CANNOT find the right words.

Any help would be greatly appreciated ---- sorry WU for threadjacking. I have gotten so much insight from your posts. Keep up the good work.

I'm praying for you.

K

K,

I don't mind the thread jack. 2scared has been very helpful. I also read other threads to gain more understanding of myself and what my H is going through and how we can recover.

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers..

WU

K-

The way I understand it, your WH had a special cell phone that OW provided to him?

But, he also has a personal and work cell phone of his own? Wow, he has a lot of phones. I had a hard time keeping up with two. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Okay... let me see if I can help. Your H wants to restore the M...right? If so, then the most important gift he can give to you right now is the gift of accountability. He needs to give you the access to these phones. You can pick either of them up and scan the numbers at any time and view the detail log asking questions about any of the numbers. If he really wants to restore then this accountability will be a gift to you. He won't like it... but he will do it. If he has nothing to hide then the accountability will not be too painful. If he freaks out and adamently refuses then you should question if he really has cut off contact.

Let me know...

2scared

2scared....

He also has voice mail at work. I have (unknown to WH) the passwords to his cell phones.

Right now, he is keeping his cell phones locked up in his car most of the time. The thing that seems strange to me, is that for a person who is always on his cell, he never seems to have any recent calls on the log.

He knows that I have looked at them in the past. That's how I found out that he still had contact with OW before Plan B.

So, he could be deleting numbers he has called.

Yes, accountability would be the greatest gift he could give me. Along with radical honesty.

K

Sorry, again, WU, for threadjacking.

You are still in my prayers and thoughts. Keep up the good work.

K

K-

Can you log on the internet and see phone history?

2scared

Waking up-

How is it going for you? The rollercoaster is wild! One day up...the next down. Hang in there. How you are doing today with the guilt from the OM? I know your heart breaks when he reminds you of the promises you two made to each other. Been there...done that. How are you today?

2scared

2scared.....

I only have access to the personal cell. The work cell is government.

I want to know how WU is doing, also. I know it is very hard for you, but lots of people here are praying for you.

K

Hi 2scared,

It was a tough weekend for me emotionally. Knowing the end is coming, dreading it, but also looking forward to it.

I realized the reason less than 5% of adulterous second marriages make it is because the wages of sin is death...no matter how much we fool ourselves and want to think otherwise, God cannot bless sin.

I've also begun reading The Purpose Driven Life.
You may know the first chapter begins with: It's not about me. Duh...we want what we want when we want it. It doesn't matter what I think, want or feel. It matters what God wants for me, what His purpose is for me. If I am doing His will, than I am doing exactally what I"m suppose to be doing.

OM said this weekend his "friends" have lost respect for him and even called him pathetic. It is sad, but I don't think they were really his friends. Friends don't turn on you like that. OTOH, the word says in Pr. 7:32-33:
A man who commits adultery lacks judgement; whoever does so destroys himself. Blows and disgrace are his lot and his shame will never be wiped away.

I feel stronger today than I have in a long time. I know God is going before me to prepare the way and the words.

Thank you for your prayers and support.

Waking Up.....