I read another post about WH not getting D papers.

What is it? If they are with someone else, why are they sooooooooo scared to get D papers?

Typically, how long does it take for BS to get 'served'?

I don't know what the deal is. I have been wondering myself. My WW has supposedly wanted a D for 4 months now. We have talked about it. She has filled out paperwork. She has threatened to file. But still nothing. My WW said at one point she was scared to file because of my irrational behavior after I found out about the A. But that was almost 3 months ago. So I don't have an answer and I am just as puzzled as you.

It's practically impossible to know what goes inside another person's mind especially a foggy WS's.

Maybe a reason why a WS does not like to pursue D [or have D papers served] is because it brings them out of their fantasy world and makes them face the consequences of their actions. For as much as they justify to their BS [and others] that their affair has nothing to do with their desire to separate, the fact is that deep down they KNOW that it does have everything to do with it. A part inside of them the KNOWS that their affair is wrong. Moreso if there are children in the marriage.

TMCM---good point....Just last night ww spoke again of separation papers that she still intends to get...first heard of separation in July....and still nothing.

I dont know what she thinks her attorney is going to draw up that is so great....what ever, and who ever draws up the papers are not final until it is reviewed and agreed upon by both sides.

just wanted to chip in and say my 2 cents. i'm pretty much convinced that my H wants me to be the one that files because somehow that would be relieving some kind of guilt. but i truly don't know. i cannot say what my H is thinking (or not rather) because i never thought he would cheat on me and now look. I would ditto TMCM's assessment. OTOH, i have a lot of people praying for me and H and just maybe God is intervening here and that's why H hasn't filed yet.

don't know but i'm not afraid of a D anymore and i think that's saying a lot.

Why should a ws get a divorce if there is no real reason to?

After all, they are having "fun" with the op.
They have little to do with the bs.
What would a divorce do for them apart from legally" end the marriage?

You're right Chris.

My WS tells me that we're not married, only by a piece of paper downtown...

Why do anything to disrupt the love affair?

It's an interesting question. I agree with RR, it would leave them with less guilt. As if BS gives up and files...

My WW says the same thing about us not being M except for a piece of paper. You gotta love that comment. I agree that she really has no reason to file. I feel almost like she is pushing me to file. It would definately help their guilt if we give up, file and move on.

I'm not really born, except for a birth certificate...

wow, that was a little too deep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

My take on it as a BS who finally filed on WH:

Partly a guilt thing--they know they're wrong having the A. But if the BS is the one who files, they can say "Hey, I wasn't the one who broke up the M. You did. You filed."

Partly the hassle--why would they file and go through all that legal garbage and risk the financial cost when they're doing just fine being married and seeing the OP? The M didn't stop them from starting the A. It won't stop them from continuing it.

Partly a safety net--they want to keep the BS there in case the OP doesn't work out.

And in my WH's case--partly the cost. Why should he spring for the attorney if I would instead?

Unless the WS is so in love with the OP that they just know they want to get M right now (which is what my FIL and step-MIL did), there's no reason for them to rush things. They can just have their fun and wait it out.

LL

I don't know why, but my WW and I went through all the trouble to get the dissolution. (An easy DV in Alaska where both parties agree on everything.) Afterwards WW said we made a mistake and asked me to withdraw the paperwork. I did and she came back for a few days, but the addiction of the affair pulled her right back again. Now we are in the same position as before. I refiled but didn't have all the paperwork and it kicked back, but now I'm not in any rush to get the DV. I'm kinda back in a plan B. My youngest D keeps telling me that WW is constantly trying to find some good reason to get rid of OM. Still, the addiction of the affair seems to keep her at status quo. I have everything I need, so now I'm in no rush to file. I have my kids, my house, a good job, and everything else I had before except a room mate... I wonder about the mind of a wayward spouse.....

thatsall...

The "easy" answer?

CAKE EATERS!

I think it may have been my thread a few days back that thatsall is talking about, but I'm a BH, thank you very much.....

Anyway, I think that there are any number of reasons that are "valid." (And I use that term QUITE loosely.)

Financial - Perhaps, romancing someone as hard as you can is expensive. I can't tell you how much $$$ I've spent on my WW to give her whatever she wanted. Why use your money for that pesky divorce?

Guilt (or the relief thereof) - I don't think this is as big of an issue as BS's would like to think it is. I don't think the guilt sets in for a while. I'm sure it's there, but I don't think it pushes to the front of the WS's mind. Covered up by the "good feelings" of the A.

TMCM touched on it here, and Chris mentioned it on my thread. I think the biggest reason is that a divorce is a consequence of THIER actions. Ya know what that is? Reality! Isn't that the big draw of the A? The fantasy of it all. Scary real-life things like death, divorce, losing jobs, etc. don't happen in fantasy land. If the WS files for divorce, it pushes them directly into the real world. Probably more frightening is that it is a reality that they themselves created. Particularly for the BS's here who have worked to recover thier Ms, the WS has to file knowing that this is almost entirely of thier doing. I'm not sure I'd be real comfortable there, either. So I think that may be a large part of it. Perhaps if they ignore it, it'll just go away.....

For me, it's been 10 months since WW moved out. Although she never has specifically said the words "I want a divorce" (I think the closest she's gotten was "I don't want to be married anymore"), it has been implied a few times. She could have filed July 1 and we would have been divorced 2 months ago. But instead....nothing.

And I must admit that it was one part of this journey that I was not prepared for......

Ethan