How do you emotionaly detach yourself from all the fog talk and pain that may come your way in plan A?

Is this even the correct approach to take?

<small>[ October 02, 2004, 11:36 AM: Message edited by: Just a Husband ]</small>

I don't know what the secret is exactly. Some days I can talk to my WW and completely maintain my cool. Other days the babble just pushes my buttons and I get sucked right in to it. It is very hard, but emtionally detaching yourself from it I think is neccessary to maintain your sanity.

i agree but the trick is not to get scuked into the "babble vortex".

It is so hard. Sometimes the things they say are so hurtful that you feel like you just gotta defend yourself or get in an equally nasty dig. I'm to the point with my WW where our conversations consist of nothing but her talking about D and spewing hurtful babble. I do my damndest to let it roll off my back.

I got some great advice on one of my thread's last year.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=30;t=002122

The emotional detachment info starts about 10 posts down.

Emotional detachment is about having control over your emotions. It is not about NOT having feelings, it is about how you react with your feelings. The thing is that some feelings will lead us to very negative reactions. Reactions that don't serve us, but will only hurt us in the long run. Look at the baseball player that threw the chair into the stands. He needs to learn emotional detachment.

The thing you have to remember is that you have a 'job' right now. Your job is to do whatever you need to do to get the WS to re-engage in the M. This is not a lifelong assignment. It should not last more than 6 months, but I know it's very hard to do, so just tell yourself you will do it for 3 months.

I have to say, JustAHusband, you are at the spot I was last year. And the holidays really help support that 'family feeling'. I believe it's less likely that WS will make any drastic changes. And that's good news for you. Plan A works best when you are living together.

But you need to start working on yourself. Self-esteem plays a large part in a successful Plan A. Do you feel you have good self-esteem? Are you in IC?

Justa...

I really think you should call the Harleys...
I really think you need their expertise...

the loss of your child (I can barely type those words...it's just that awful..) I think plays a huge role in both your wifes actions and behaviors...

I also think that you your self are hurting so bad...it impedes your ability to plan A...without just retreating or squaring off...

plan A is doable best when planning plan B as well...as it gives you that attitude of you can do ANYTHING for a short period of time...knowing it will not be forever...

ALSO...though not typical marriage building advice...I think you deserve the opportunity to not confront the OM...but to atleast clearly state your stand on his intrusion in your marriage and HOME...

Also I am begining to think that you need to heads on balls out confront your wife..without ulitmatums...but make it clear that YOU will not tolerate her gross dirrespectful treatment of you forever....

and that as a child of God...and human being you deserve and will only allow basic respect and decency in to your life...and that you do have your limits...and that her actions will continue to define the type of person she is choosing to be...and that you will then shortly make your own decisions based on that behavior.....

I think you may want to seriously look at going to plan b with you AND the children leaving her to stew in her own chaos..

I think she doesn't get much from the OM...I think she is using him and he is using her to act out her pain....and that she is escaping from the past.....

call the harleys....
it's cheaper than divorce...
I don't think there is much joy in your home..and it may be that she may have to view the joy that can exist from the outside looking into to really appreciate exactly what her actions are doing...

will find orchids post on reverse babble as well..


ARK

IBC

yes im in IC. We both go the same C just not togteher. My confidence builds as days go on...but i fell like i get knocked off when incidents happen.....like last night she was talking about separating again....and in some ways i feel that separateing will put her into reality...but in other ways i feel that it will enable her to run further.

right now i truly feel that she is totally in love with OM and protects that R with all her heart and soul. She is re-writing our m history to her family and they cant see any hope for our M and steer her away.All of these things i have no control over....what i do have control over is me.

I have been working on me in a non-selfish manner. for example...i go to the gym at 5am when the kids are not up and im not intruding on anyones schedule....but when i do that it turns into that i can come and go as i please and do whatever i want regardless of anyone...this is not true.

I guess i need to reevaluate my expectations of the ww right now and reduce those expectations to 0.

i dont want to let those issues roll off my back in a way that it seems like i dont care.

This is something that I've been struggling with lately. I don't think there's an easy answer but one thing that has helped a lot is just knowing what to expect.

I know he will say hurtful things. I even know what is likely to come out of his mouth.

I know that he feels he doesn't love me, can't love me, is in pain without the OW, made a mistake by staying married, will never be happy married to me, and so on.

Everything else is basically a variation on these concepts.

I KNOW he's going to say it.

So, when these things start coming I imagine Charley Brown's teacher. I can hear that he's talking, but what the heck is he saying?

I mentally start saying, "fog, fog, fog, fog".

I brace myself for it. I expect it.

I go into that battle armed with KNOWLEDGE. It's the best weapon we have as a BS.

Then, I can listen to the sane parts, acknowledge the foggy parts (because he is truly feeling these things even if they are transient and built on fantasy), learn from what he's saying and use it to my own advantage later by utilizing the KNOWLEDGE I have from MB.

For me I realised that my FWWs behaviour was so aberrant she MUST be temporarily mentally impaired. I treated just so. Met requests, cared, ensured safety , policed boundaries but did not get involved emotionally. If a tourettes syndrom sufferer tells you to F'k off, they don;t mean it, they can;t help it. Same with ILYBINILWY and you're a terrible husband.

Really. Sounds patronising I know but it worked for me. to treat my FWW as if she had a temporary mental imbalance. Care but not too much notice while you carry on with improving your self for whatever life brings on next.

Until I came to this site, I took everything WH was saying to heart. I can see now that they ALL say the same things. "Dont love you romantically any more, I love her, we should have never got married, I dont want to hurt you, I dont want to hurt her...." Sometimes it is hard to hear. But it has helped hearing that others WS in A's say the same thing.. that rewriting of history. I have been married for 21 years....I dont think for a moment that he has not been happy at SOME point in our marriage.
But I, like you, have to find a way to not react to what they are saying and just keep loving them till the fog clears. I am told it does....I have seen a lift now and then...not too often. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> But it is difficult being 7000 miles apart to fulfill some of those EN's. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Just remember God's grace is sufficent.

Katie

Ark^^

I must have overlooked your post...sorry about that.
I will contact the harleys again.. i did before but didnt pull the trigger.

thanks for your comments again.

Are you saying that i should plan for plan b by taking the kids away from their home? I never actually thought of it that way...

Just a Husband

Try to think of it in this way.

You now have two wives. The first one, the one you love and cherish, has cloned herself, but something went dreadfully wrong. Instead of being just like her, the clone is her horrible alter-ego. Everything BAD that your real wife is GOOD.

The clone will say the most hurtful things. The clone will attempt to provoke you in any way with Angry Outbursts, Disrespectful Judgements and any other way to make you angry and agressive, to make you out to be the "bad husband" she has to have, in order to justify the affair. The clone will be "in love" with her "soulmate" and "loves you, but is not in love with you" anymore. The clone will forsake her marriage, her children, her friends, her relatives UNLESS they fully support her in her A.

So how do you react? You eliminate all LoveBusters from your life. Permanently. You treat both wives with loving kindness and respect. You "identify" the clone by her angry words and actions, and since you KNOW that's not the wife you love and cherish, you DISREGARD those things, because you KNOW IT'S NOT YOUR WIFE!

Is it hard? Yep, at first. But I simply made a game of it. And when WW sees that her FOG borne actions make no impact on you, THAT's when Plan A goes into HIGH GEAR. Practice it for a couple of days, utter a mantra, FOG BOUND WIFE, HAS NO KNIFE, HER FOGGY WORDS CAN CAUSE NO STRIFE, or some such goofiness that works for you. It will get easier with each passing day.

Avoid relationship talks. When she's in the fog, it will only provoke her. Be kind, gentle, thoughtful and loving at all times. Put your "taker" on the shelf, as "he" won't be getting any action for a while. Be consumed with being the "giver", because "he" will be working overtime for a while.

Once you learn to do this emotional detachment, and become relaxed in your interaction with your WS, you will begin to make headway. Although it may not seem that anything you do is making an impact or impression on her, do not be fooled. She WILL notice, and those continuous deposits in her LB$ will begin to add up, and she then will be more introspective about her A. She will begin to question her actions, and wonder if she is still willing to give up what she "has and knows" for the great unknown of the OM.

Read Plan A until it is a part of you. It has worked for many. It worked for me. It can work for you, as well.

Best wishes
SD

<small>[ September 29, 2004, 05:38 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

SD

I often have been thinking of the two wife thing...The woman in my home is not my wife. I think i really need to detach my emotions from the sitch..its like im an outsider looking in...and i am finding the life that she is trying to lead quit funny. ... how much energy it must take to live 2 lives. .. all the phone play and hiding of the 2nd cell. etc etc etc...

my detachment is going to concentrate on me and my grief for my daughter as well as my children. I am goingo to contiue to plan A and be the best loving father and husband that i can be.

Now my problem (fear) is that i think that ww has re-written history to her family so much that they are supporting her in ending the M. They are active in processing the end of the M. All she does is bad mouth me to everyone in her family to justify the A and now i think she feels that she has to go along with what her father and family are doing for her.

^

are supporting her in ending the M. They are active in processing the end of the M.

what does this mean is she planning on leaving...
what does she say she is going to do??

Do you think deep down that she would go through with a divorce..

do you think that this is what she wants

Are you saying that i should plan for plan b by taking the kids away from their home? I never actually thought of it that way...

justa part of me is saying that...
a small part...

lets say that her plan is to make life at home so much of a hell that she pushes you right out the door....

do you think that is her plan???

either she has to go...
or you go...but the children must be protected from her and from the OP...

but the children must be protected from chaos as well...

ugghhhh....

so the only way you take the children is by

1. having a safe really steady environment for them to hang out at....family members...in which little disruption happens in their lives...

and making sure that wife has tons and tons of access to the children...but none of with children and OM....

I don't know justa...

call the harleys please..

what is her plan..
what is her goal
ARK

Ark^^

I can sense you feel my frustration as well...

I dont know what her plan is. She mentioned to me several weeks ago that she is having an attorney draw up some papers that says "that in the event that she leaves the hosue that i cant keep or take kids from her". I dont know what this means. She cant possibly think on leaving with the kids....thats just not happening.

I think her plan right now is to make my life a living hell so that i leave. .... not happening either...

She mentioned these papers again the other day after the other big explosion. The first time she mentioned the papers was after the first big explosion.

I dont know what she wants and i dont know what her plans are. I suspect that she is going to an attorney this weekend as she has mentioned plans to be with her father on sat. not sure....

It seems that she is at her most approachable and friendly "normal" self in the early morning. Then after spending the day ont eh phone with her sisters and om she is pumped and ready for action (fighting)....

She doesnt deny talking to om but then on the other hand she hides it. When i leave home/office i see the phone activity increase. She is hiding the second cell phone. its almost comical....she had it hidden in the garage yesterday becaseu every time i walked into the garage she came running in and made small talk.....This happened once....then i forgot something in the garage and went back in and she came bolting in.....then i noticed and started thinking. So i waited a bit and went back into the garage and sure enough she came charging in.

I just laughed. and detached from it......

The problem is that i think my daughter knows about the 2nd cell phone and ww has asked her to keep it from me....that is wrong....and should not be tolerated...I dont kow this for sure and dont want to approach my D on it.

I am finding that detachment seems to be working for me. It at least helps me remove myself from the chaos and makes me feel a little better about what i am doing.

JAH,

I agree on the detachment thing. My wife's A isn't active anymore, but she isn't "back" yet either. It hurts.

There are bad days when I am weak and can't control it. But I always feel better about myself when I do.

NCW

You said that her family is actively helping her in dumping you, how do you know this? Have you talked to them?

TMCM

Both sisters are enabling A. she has re-written so much that i overhear bits and pieces of conversations that point to this. Her father has provided her with a cell that she continues to hide. but i guess all of this is expected.