I'm real new here and new to posting,too.

Just 2 weeks ago, I discoved my H's affair. On the 2nd evening after during the questions and confessions rages and tears, I confessed that I had done the same in the past. I truly wasn't trying to hurt him, I was trying to share the burden and the responsibility.

We both seem to go through alternating, impossible emotional swings. Sometimes the same ones at the same time, sometimes on opposite ends of the emotional spectrum.

Right now I'm in a terrible panic. it hurts so much. He has assured me he will do the right thing.

It seems we both want the same thing - to have it over and behind us. To forgive and have there be no more pain. Although we know, rationally, it will take time, we both hunger for a quick fix - a magical moment where it just mends.

Even knowing what we need to do, we seem to avoid it, avoiding further pain, further dicomfort, change.

My heart panics most of the time. I both hope and dread when he calls or doesn't call. I keep obsessively focusing on my vision of our wonderful future together - one of the strong marriages - one of the one's who made it and made it better.

It's hard though. I'm an emotional train wreck. Having been optimistic (almost foolishly so) in any and all situations, I wonder if I am foolish here. No, I know it is not only possible, but likely, that we'll make it. But I've never had my thoughts plagued by doubts like this.

That "what if" devil.

Peace will come with time and effort - of this I am sure. I'm asking for help in coping with this seesaw I'm on, that he's on, too.

Please advise me on how to handle his need to act as if everything's normal and my need to rush to fix it?

I am a control freak - of myself and of everyone around me, and have prefered, in the past, to describe myself as a 'benign dictator'. He's a good natured, non-confrantational type.

I'm learning to let go of 'control' without begging off the responsibility. He's learning to just go ahead and say things (still with diplomacy, which is really good.)

The Anguish is paralizing - the hope is vitalizing. How do you make it around family and freinds and work?

Relax
Read
Re-read
Rely on MB to get you through

Read the posts and articles....get the book and dont rush it....

Hi and WELCOME!!
Just a few comments for you.
Patience, patience and more patience.
Believe me I know. It has been about 6 months since Dday and my W has still not even recommitted to our marriage.
Try to look at the positive side of things-your H wants to work on the marriage.
He is probably feeling very guilty and ashamed at the moment and needs some time.
Just be supportive and don't try to push him. He will open up to you in time.
Again-Patience, patience and more patience.
Good luck!
CR

Thanks so much guys.

it seems no amount logic can actually guide me. Everything I ever thought I'd do, everything I ever thought I'd feel, everything I ever thought I'd think - was completely wrong. There is no preparing for this!

The reading part is easy - it's the way I'm made. I'm so torn up over his refusal to completely sever the ties with her. He insists to me that she needs him more than I do, but he will just be there to help her.

She is indeed a very, very troubled person. I see so clearly how she is using him, and he even admits it himself in moments of clarity. But his conviction that everything he has done to help her out of her ravaged situation would be for nothing (aka all the deception and hiding and money and lowering himself to this level of character -my assumptions , not his words)would all be for nothing if he completely shut her off for us. This is a concept I cannot compete with using any rationallity - with him or with myself!
I just keep waiting.

I love him so much, always have, but have not been good showing it at all. Always very 'matter of fact,' and not very gushy and wifey.

I recognize my own faults and intend to work on them - even if he won't work with me. By this I mean MC or individual therapy. I have my own bad habits to break and need to become a better person no matter what.

What's so weird is that I really do know he's in pain, and where I want to ease his pain, a part of me resents his on his own pain and not on all the damage laying around. (Especially besides poor, pitiful me)

I want to ease his pain, but don't want him to think this is a pass, either. I feel like a real hipocrite, no matter what I feel, though.

I'm so eager for us to be past it and better. Controlling the urge to 'fix' everything RIGHT AWAY is so hard!

Thanks again for the encouragement.

<small>[ September 30, 2004, 11:23 AM: Message edited by: restarting ]</small>