I haven't seen you post in some time and am a little worried about you. Hope everything is going well for you. If you are lurking maybe if you get a chance can post a quick message so we all know how your doing!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
LJB

LJB -

I'm around. I have just taken a break from MB. The date triggers were really overwhelming for me. Add the fact that my H left Friday for a minimum of 30 days with chance of contact and I have just been a mess.

I'm OK though really. I have missed you guys. I will post an update soon. Probably on both Recovery and GQII because Roughroad doesn't come to the recovery boards.

How have things been with you? We need to catch up. I want to know everything that's happened to you in the passed few weeks.

I need to find Atruheart too. I'm sure you all thought I forgot you but I didn't.

It's great to hear from you. Roughroad, Atruheart and I were pretty worried about you. I haven't been on much lately either.

Like you the triggers over this past few weeks have been awful then to poor salt on the wound I found her number in his wallet. Granted it was on a dental card from clear back in April (he never cleans out his wallet) but that set off all kinds of triggers. He swares up and down that it's been there since before April and he didn't realize it was there.

I am sorry you have been having such a hard time. I can't imagen having to deal with triggers and on top of it him being gone for a month. How is your husband handling it?

Hang in there and just take one day at a time. Yes, we do need to catch up there is a lot I'd like to tell you like our anniversary trip together, he trip to Montana, all sorts of stuff. But that can wait.

It's great to hear from you!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

2be US Again,
Thanks for flushing her out!

HW:

I hope that you and your H at least left things on a positive note? (one can hope right??)

Anyway, I understand all about "triggers". Glad I found a way to lessen their impact on me.
But sadly I believe they will always be there. All we CAN control is our response to them.

I also understand your "reluctance" to post since someone (sister) from your life is here as well. I'm sure you have mixed feelings about that.

On the one hand, you want her to be able to get and receive any and all help she can.

However, with her here its almost like you've LOST some of your ability to just be as open and as honest with how your thinking and feeling (or even with some of the past details), as you were in the past.
It almost puts some self imposed "restrictions" on what you can type.

So that can ONLY ADD to your BAG of Mixed up emotions:
You know: Happy she's here, yet somehow confused with HOW its going to work with you Both being here.

So how IS IT going to work?
Hmmmmm....
(begins opening draws and shuffing papers..everywhere)
Now where's that Rule Book?....Hold on...just a minute....Dang Nabbit, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ....must be here somewhere .....OOUUCH! (rubs back of head)
Darn it, Let me get back to you on that one! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

In addition, I can see you really "censoring" yourself if your worried about her H reading and knowing "your business".

In any case, "be welcome"...glad you are back (although I think I am soon taking a break myself). I've been slowly "weaning" myself off the site.

Just wish you were making MORE progress.
In the future, even if you don't feel like posting....just give us a sentence or 2 to tell us that (we'll understand <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> ).

But you might get hounded anyway <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

Ah, well ......so much to do.......guess I'd better get too it. See ya!

Top-Rope and 2B -

I am sorry I made you worry. If there is a next time I'll be sure to leave a message. The fact is I always said, "I'll go check tomorrow". Then tomorrow would come and I'd made another excuse. First there was a hurricane and things were wild with that...then there was another hurricane...and another. It was always something. When I gave the address and helped my sis get started on the site I didn't even think about not being as "masked" as I'd like to be. The more I think about it the more I know that she would not judge me for my feelings. She might be shocked at my weaknesses but she will love me just the same.

Still I believe I will be more guarded then I was before.

So here's the update. I"ll post it here instead of starting my own thread since I've put that off for a couple of days already.

H left Friday. The weeks leading up to his departure were fine. The week of departure was horrible. I had what I think would be called panic attacks. I think it was due to all the stress of the date triggers, pictures I had developed one year later (why or why), the fact that he was leaving, work, etc........

I just lost it. My H had taken off 3 weeks of work to prepare for his current deployment. So he was here with me for most of the time (I work from home). The morning he left was awful. I took him to the airport and dropped him off. Not before I went to see my Doc and got some medicine. I told her what was happening to me with the panic attacks and what not. She agreed that I was in need of some help and gave some something to help me calm down. After I dropped him off I came home and had a melt down. It was terrible.

I'm thankful I had to work because I was forced to pull myself together (somewhat) and take care of business. That night I drove down to be with my parents and sister and so I could go to church. I took the medicine that night before I laid down because I knew that would be hard. It acutally made me hallucinate...I do not do well on any kind of medication...I'd be a terrible crackhead!

None the less I was not crying or having a panic attack. I was just imagining I was having an adult conversation with my 2 year old. I know it's crazy but it happened.

Fast forward to present day, I take half a pill before bedtime and I wait until I feel it has really kicked in before I go to bed.

I'm holding up pretty well. As long as I don't actually think about what could happen or the instability of our future. By instability I just mean his career not our relationship. He's trying out to be in an elite front line unit. If he makes it we will relocate quickly and he'll be in Iraq in a couple of months. If he does not make it we do not know what will happen.

So that's the update. I think I've covered it all.

Please do not hold my vacation from MB against me. I'm sorry I made you all worry.

I'd like to hear from Roughroad. Anyone heard from her lately?

2B give me some good news on your situation.

Top-Rope - I've read some of your recent posts. I have missed reading your words. I really think you should write a book. The topic could be random and I'd read it over and over and over! Give me some stats on your sitch.

2B -

Please share your updates. I'd like to hear details of your trip and how things have been with you lately. I hope they are better.

I can't believe you found a card this far out from d-day!!! I searched my H's wallet immediately and found nothing. I still look in there from time to time just to make sure. Sad, huh?

So what did you do with the card? Did you chew it up and spit it in the potty? Please tell me your set it on fire!!!! I've been thinking of burning their emails and phone records hoping for some closure. What do you think?

yes, i'm here, trying to wean too. as far as my update well, H has not filed anything as of last week. i just went to the travel office on base today to arrange for pickup of my house hold goods down in florida. haven't told h that i'm coming yet, why should i? i'm sure i will in the next couple of weeks. even though our house is not on the market we do have an offer and will probably take it and close on the house on 11/1/04. if h was still living there i would have done what i could to slow the house sale down and get the household items but once he told me he was moving out it kind of forced my hand. i didn't want the house to run in the ground and if he wasn't going to take advantage of using the house and the stuff then why should i go without and continue to sleep on the floor and only having a few dishes to use.

i'm doing okay, still expect the worse, hope for the best. i've gained about 5lbs in the last few weeks because i've gotten so much out of a routine w/my move, etc. h called me at work early monday morning, the first time in 6 weeks and after he said he couldn't talk to me. i didn't know it was him or i probably wouldn't have answered the phone. he was calling because basically he and our realtor went behind my back and showed our house to some people and i had not signed the paperwork that authorized that. i had some emails from my H and the realtor when i came to work monday morning and told me we had an offer, which of course i was quite surprised at because it wasn't supposed to be shown! but realtor was trying to "help us out" knew this guys was only going to be in town for the weekend, etc. "took a shot" by asking H if it was okay, etc. well i emailed them both and said i didn't like the way it was handled, etc. and so H called to say that he thought it would be okay but not to be at the realtor be mad at him because he was the dumba$$.anyway, i just said this has been taking longer because i had to run things by my lawyer and he has not wanted to talk to me, he then says again how it was ripping us both apart, etc. i sais that he was the one that brought up the R/M and that i could remain matter of fact and businesslike, of course then he said yeah, you can do that better than me.

so i'm not sure what to think, i don't know if he thinks that because i have a lawyer that i'm going to file (boy is he sadly mistaken). but now i'm kind of thinking if he said i could contact him via email what's wrong w/sending "good" stuff to him versus just remaining business like. i guess i kind of feel like i've missed out on some opportunities and that maybe he doesn't really think i want him back, don't know and hard to say. so i've emailed a friend to resend a email to me that i think H would like and i will send it to him kind of like a joke amongst all the house stuff.i'm also kind of thinking i will do a plan B letter so that he knows that i do still care for him and love him and want to be rebuild our marriage but....you know the rest. he started the no contact w/me restriction, not me. i don't know, i'll just have to think and pray on that. kind of almost feel like i've been given some more time though if he hasn't filed but what i'm supposed to do w/this time i don't know.

so continue to keep me in your prayers, of course i do the same for you, glad to hear you're going to church and getting some physical support (from sis). keep us posted, doesn't have to be long just to let us know your okay. remember how worried you've been about me in the past? well after one time when you were wondering about me i wrote my sister and told her that if anything every happened to me that she needed to come here and tell everyone about roughroad and she said she would.

i gotta go, take care and God Bless, RR

HW….girl you are so strong you amaze me. I don’t think I’d be able to handle my H being gone for a month then the possibility of him leaving to Iraq. I can’t imagine the stress you have been under. But you did recognize it and went to your doctor that in itself is a HUGE plus. What on earth did the doctor put you on? I know when I was having panic attacks my doctor put me on Ativan and that worked pretty well. It’s a mild tranquilizer and helped take the edge off.

How is your husband handling all of this and does he know how you are feeling? Is he helping make this easier some how while he is gone?

Update on me huh…well lets see. We went on our anniversary trip. It was really really nice with it just being the two us. We didn’t talk about anything to do with the affair or anything remotely close and it was great to be away from all the daily triggers and the every day routine of our lives.

We started seeing a new marriage counselor. The other one just wasn’t supportive of bringing my H back into the mix of our sessions, so I thought screw this and found someone else. H has been supportive; we have another visit next week. So we’ll see how it goes. She opened up the dialog and it helped me ask some questions that I have been festering on for sometime. I was nice to finally get answers those.

For the most part things have been going pretty well. I am still dealing with triggers but to my surprise they haven’t been that bad this month (well until I found the phone number) especially since I was dreading this month because this is the month he crossed that dreaded line. Of course next month well there are several very nasty trigger dates with Halloween being on of them and I am really not looking forward to how this is going to play out.

The phone number, oh the thought just burns me. I have looked through his wallet a few times since d-day (as much as I hate to admit it) and I guess I just never saw it. I was leaving a little note in his wallet to see how long it would take him to find it and it would be a nice surprise for him. Well as I was finding a place to put it I found the dental card for an appt. he had in April. Well on the bottom of it had her freaking phone number. I was totally dumbfounded. My first reaction, I was completely pissed and upset all those feelings came rushing back from d-day. So I tore up the card and threw it in the garbage, H was sleeping by the way. Well a few minutes later I decided screw this I am going to confront him and see what the he has to say. So I dug every piece back out of the garbage and taped it all back together. A very daunting task because it was ripped up pretty good. Then I tried to regain my composure, took a shower and everything to try and calm myself down before I woke up my H, nothing worked. So I woke up my H and he knew something was wrong and it was obvious I had been crying. He asked what was wrong and at first I was scared to say anything, but finally I told him what I was doing and handed him the card and point blank asked him what the hell was that doing in his wallet. He swore to me up and down that the card had been there since before April ( he had several dental appointments from Feb-April) and he didn’t realize that it was still there and he hasn’t used the number nor has she called him and if she did he would tell me.

H asked me what I wanted him to do with the card and I said well throw it away of course. He swore up and down that this was the last thing and there was nothing else. Do you know how many times I have heard that from him?

Anyway, I am pretty sure he is telling me the truth, but you know you always have that doubt now and I hate it. But over all we are doing pretty well. Ever since then though I have been having some really messed up dreams.

We have the new puppy now and that is taking up a lot of my time, kind of nice. I think that is what has helped me keep not focus so much on the events that took place this month last year.

I do think you should burn everything. I too am thinking about burning all the old cell phone bills. Because I swear I find myself looking over them again and again and it doesn’t do any good. If anything causes more problems because then I think of more questions. So I think we both should burn what we have. What do you think?

Well that is enough for now…..I am so glad you are posting again. But I do understand about needing a break. I hope this month goes by fast for you. You are so strong and have overcome so much, remember that.

Talk to you soon!
Hugs,
LJB

Roughroad -

I'm glad to hear from you. I'm shocked that you haven't received papers yet. When I left I thought surely you would be getting them soon. I think that's a good sign. So you're selling your house and moving all of your stuff out! Good for you. I see this as a positive thing as well. Having dishes is not something to be taken lightly. We moved in December and I never unpacked....we only have a few dishes out. It's a nightmare washing dishes every single night!

So did your lawyer help you figure out the outstanding debt? I hope so. I know you didn't get that on your own. He is responsible for half at least. I'd say more than half if I were the lawyer. There should be some reprecussion for destroying a marriage. I'm being mean, I need to stop.

I think it would be a good idea to send him a nice casual email that you think he might like...one of those funny stories that are always going around the internet. Nice way to break the ice and let him know you are still thinking of him.

You didn't give up an update on the puppies. How are your dogs?


LJB -

It's good to hear you had a nice trip. Where'd you go? Did you do anything wild? Not that if it wasn't wild it would be anything less than perfect. From reading your posts I can tell you are a lot like me. You can be wild at times I'm sure. That's how I imagine you anyway. So the new counselor is good. I'm glad to hear that. I'm also glad to hear your H is going with you. I think that is AWESOME! With the move coming I know there's no way we'll get back into counseling anytime soon. That makes me sad because I know I need it.

I have to get over this bitterness! It's terrible. I can look back and see my stages so clearly now. Right now I feel bitter and resentful and that always leads to anger. It's a cycle!

The doc put me on Zanex. I can't explain in words what it does to me. I have never been good on pain medicine. I had my wisdom teeth cracked and pulled with only novacaine because I can't stand pain medicine. After both c-sections I only took motrin after surgery. I did take some meds after I had breast augmentation but the pain was so bad I didn't feel the medication. Medication really does funny things to me. The Zanex made me insane. I literally had a conversation with my 2 year old as if she were one of my co-workers. Get this...she was asleep. She was never even talking to me. So that's bad. I think I'll ask for something different when I go back. For now I'll have wine to help me sleep at night.

So you are dealing with these stupid triggers too. I wonder when they go away. I wonder when it stops hurting.

I'm glad you confronted him about the phone number. Good for you. I think it's hilarious that you tore it up and taped it together. That is sooooo something I would do. I'm glad to hear you got your puppy. Maybe I need to do that too. A puppy would take my mind off of these triggers.

I agree with you, we should burn everything. I think I'll burn his old cell phone too. Do you think it would do great harm to our environment if I did that!?!?!?!

As for how my husband is acting. He is fighting his own deamons. He feels guilty and it's easy to see. If I have an outburst...like hit a trigger and say something nasty (did that in home depot) he goes straight to bed. He will just crawl in bed and pull the covers over his head. Sometimes he cries. He just feels so bad. Other then that he's pretty much fine. He tries to support me as best as he can but he knows the extent of the betrayal is pretty deep. He has told me that he expects me to walk out the door any minute. He said that was a terrible feeling to have. Knowing your wife will leave you and take your children.

I know that's sad but he needs to realize how bad it hurt to hear him say he didn't want to be a part of our family anymore. I was destroyed from the inside out. I try to reassure him. He knows i love him. I make sure of that.

Ok, I've ranted and raved for a long long time. I'll end this and get in the bed. My girls are calling me.

I've missed you both so much!

Heroswife

I too am happy you are back Heroeswife!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I am very sorry that your sis is here too....gosh what's up with men? lol

Anyways.........my story is going to be short and to the point. (as usual) LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Coming up on DD anniversary...October 31...yes! Halloween. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Actually looking forward to the fact of knowing we made it. At least to the first yr. mark. We will be on a short 4 day cruise with our teenagers and another couple and there teenage son. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I don't "plan" on letting any negative thoughts ruin our trip....the opposite is my prayer! I am hoping that I still am feeling so positive about us and our M as I am right now.

But........you all know how that goes. Up one minute/day/week/month...then pow! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
Im praying hard that I don't let my mind get me into any depression or resentment while we are on vacation.

This last trigger week!(yes an ENTIRE week of doubt) was the absolute worst, yet for some reason it was it seems a good thing? I feel truly that I am letting it go! Im looking at H for his actions TODAY. Im not re-playing the A in my mind. It is astonishing that I have been trigger free now since my "episode" about a month ago.

Time.........Time...........Time! it is TRUE~!
Time heals all wounds ladies.

Im not saying Im over triggers, just that as time goes on........I am able to "forget" on a daily basis more.

My H has been nothing less than WONDERFUL!! He is so extremely attentive and loving. He calls me every day from wherever he is working. He tells me every night he's "happy to be home"... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I am getting "thank you's" for the smallest of tasks I do for him. I am getting "I appreciate you doing this or that"....it's FANTASTIC. Fights or arguements are practiclly non existant now....WE TALK! can you imagine that???? talking out problems and not getting angry??? It is so amazing to me what has happened thru this all.

I am not saying I am happy my H did this (A) to our M. I am not proud of him for making such a poor choice in my life for me. I am saying though that there is a silver lining to this......

I am getting a H and a M that fullfills me both spirtually and emotionally....I am such a better and relaxed person myself. I am a woman driving by the right reasons now. God-Marriage-Family-Work then on the bottom....self.

I truly feel God is blessings us for walking with him. We now have that chord of "three"....which is so much stronger!!!

Heroeswife....

You hang in there doll. Your H is coming home. You may not know "exactly when" but you know his heart IS there!!! and he does LOVE you.
Try not to dwell on negative. Try to think positive and fill your thoughts with the good that is going on your life. Like baby!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
and you know what??? Go to IC!! it will help you to strengthen your strengths while H is deployed!
I love IC! it's a chance to work on "me" and better myself so I can be a better W and mom!

Blessings,
Atruheart

Atruheart -

I'm so glad you posted to me. Your words have lifted my spirits. I'm very happy to see you doing so well. I think Halloween will be the biggest trigger of all for me. It wasn't d-day but it is a trigger non the less. I won't go into the details it's too painful.

I too believe that time heals all wounds. I am not the same person I was when I first started to post on this board. I look back at that time and I know that I was very close to suicide. I wanted to end it all. It just hurt so bad.

Having my H gone during this tough time might just be a blessing. Having to deal with this alone might be better. I don't know. If he were here I'd probably be LB'n all over the place. That just depresses him and makes it all worse. Yesterday was pretty good for me. Last night I got a little upset. Kids were asleep, debate was on, my mind was just all over the place. For a moment I thought - I'll leave. I'll leave while he's gone. He'll call when he's coming home and I'll tell him to get a ride home from the airport and where the key is so he can get in the house. I'll take my things...or what the kids and I need to live on and I'll just leave. I won't say a word, I won't leave a note. I'll just give him what he ask for 12 months ago...a chance to live outside of this family because we make him miserable and he's never really been happy in the past 10 years.

Ok, now I know that was partly the medication I'm taking to sleep and partly my saddness. I wouldn't really do that. We are doing better and he is very sorry, but for a moment I just thought - I'm in control here, I decide to stay or I decide to leave.

3 more weeks and he'll be home.

I'm thinking I should combine Atruheart's cruise and 2B's new puppy into a big "get over this hump" project for Heroswife!!!!!

So Atru are you ever going to tell us your life changing event? You don't have to if you don't want to? It sounds very nerve wrecking and I'll completely understand if you do not want to share that.

Where's Top-Rope and Roughroad?

Hey, we're just giving you a *small* taste of your own medicine.
Geeeeeesh, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> you disappear for weeks and its only the next morning since you've returned....give us a chance here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

(oh yea,... I forgot your Hubby's not there.....SO NOOOOW YOU NEED US...Oh, OK, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> got it).
(ha, ha...kidding of course).
Its sarcasm.. Relax.. Don't leave.

Don't forget about ks2001.
(Man, do you think you have enough friends on here or what??) I'm jealous! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Now to this:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">From a true heart: Time.........Time...........Time! it is TRUE~!
Time heals all wounds ladies.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have to dissent true heart/ HW, but IMO its not Time.....but what is done during that Time that makes the difference.
Time itself does Little.

I know many Many people that are holding onto resentments/ grudges / perceived hurts & as a result are bitter & miserable years and even Decades Later.

Why? cause Everyone just "pretends" the Issue doesn't exist. (At least to each other....although they probably complain to Others).

Be careful to NOT fall into the Trap of "just letting time go by" will Some how make it All better.
IF you Do, you will regret it later.

YOU can be just as bad off a year, or 2 or 10 from now if the root "causes" of the A are NOT
Identified, Discussed and Dealt with.

Do Not mistake "calm" for recovery!

(Unfortunately, too many do).

<small>[ October 01, 2004, 10:24 AM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>

Mr Top-Rope -

Maybe you're right. I am here because my H left. Maybe you are also right in that my recovery is not a recovery but a period of calmness. Maybe that's the gist of recovery. Calmness and time between the act itself. You do not forget. The pain will lessen but never go away completely. Regardless of how recovered you are there will always be periods of gloom and dispair but hopefully those periods will go years apart.

Where's the rainbow on this Friday? Anyone have any skittles?

(Totally edited)

HW,
All right, YOU got me!

Good one!

That's what I get for my concern.
Oh well, I'm too old and ornery to change now.

Better look into getting the batteries in my Crystal Ball Changed here soon.
started Kind of letting me down... you know all that "snow" and such in the picture.
Probably would work better, if it had Sound too. (Definitely have to look into one of the upgraded models)

Say, your into all the new comm. Technology stuff aren't you?? What model would you recommend?

At any rate: Have a great weekend.

<small>[ October 01, 2004, 12:43 PM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>

So what is it with Halloween? I am really really not looking forward to it this year, not to mention the upcoming weeks. I know what he was doing that night and it kills me to even think about it. Halloween was always one of my favorite holidays, now I just want to skip this month entirely, if we could just fast forward till next year would be great with me. We all need to figure out something that is going to help us get through it, I just wish I knew what. Oh I know lots and lots and lots of alcohol. LOL

We just decided to go up to the cabin for the week. We took up my parents 4 wheelers and played on them, went to the lake and walked around and looked at everything. It was really nice. We didn’t do anything to awfully wild this time. But yes, I can be mighty wild at times and boy can it be fun!

Your right about the bitterness, it does turn to anger. Ever since I found that damn card in his wallet the bitterness has been building and building. And with the stress of some upcoming dates, it’s not going to pretty I don’t think.

My H never shows any kind of emotion. I mean nothing. I think that is one thing that is so hard for me. I know he feels guilty, he’s told me but only when I’ve brought it up. And when I have one of my breakdowns, he usually says nothing (which is good) he just listens and says he sorry. Sometimes I wish he would bring it up but I know better.

I am trying to be the “perfect” wife but man it’s exhausting. I am so afraid that if I do something wrong, say something wrong, don’t have the house cleaned up, whatever he’s just going to throw up his arms and say you know forget this, I didn’t have to deal with any of this with her.

I look at Atruheart and wonder if I will make it to our year anniversary of d-day. It amazes me how you are handling it. I have hope with you storythat things will get easier; the triggers will be less and less. And boy am I jealous you get to go on a cruise!

You guys are great and I’m so glad I can share my story and feelings with you and not feel judged!

THANK YOU!
LJB

well i'm here but have a lot of things on my mind. read my new thread. my doggies are fine and getting a lot more attention w/me, not to mention treats.

prayers to all, RR

Top-Rope -

I was being extremely sarcastic in my last post. I didn't mean it at all. I'm not in a down mood today. I'm looking forward to the weekend. I just noticed the thread was heading down a doom and gloom path and wanted to head it off. Hence my "Mr. Top-Rope" and my skittles comment.

Ok so my attempts did not get the expected result. I'm sorry if I brought you down. I want to bring you guys up because you bring me up.

I think that if anyone of us sat down and thought about what we were going through we could depress ourselves on a daily basis. That's the weak way to go about it and I've been down that path more times then I'd like to admit.

Ok so Top-Rope forgive me and write me one of your usual posts. One that starts one way and goes in a completely different direction, including funny comments and crazy antic, then gets back on track and concludes with something wise. I need some optimism to take me into this weekend.

2B I'm glad to hear about your trip. 4 wheelers!!! That's awesome. My H and I would love that. Of course our trip would end with one or both of us in the hospital it would still be wonderful.

I'm proud of you for holding up as well as you are. Being the 'perfect' wife is very hard. I used to try to be that.....somewhere I think I lost myself. OK, now I still try to do those things...like house keeping and cooking (I like to cook...but I'm not really good at it.) I know I can't be perfect and when I'm not I too have those insecurities.

Here's a funny story from a few weeks ago: My H and I were sitting at my 9 year old's softball practice. There were lots of other mothers around. Most of them ignore me completely. I could be defensive and say that it is because I'm about 8-10 years younger then all of them (not to mention to boob job..but I don't wear skimpy clothes.) It hurts my feelings. I don't know why I let them bother me. They ignore me and whisper when I'm walking up. OK that's the defensive me making an excuse for the more probable reason they hate me...I'm aggressive and probably intimidating. I create the distance not them. All of that to get to this: My H is sitting there and he realizes all the other wives and some H's are hang'n out and talking....he leans over to me and says I'm glad you are my wife. I'm like what? He goes Look at them. I don't want you to be one of them. He made comments about their mannerisms, way of dress, treatment of their children, and yes (I hate to say this) flakey feet and elbows!!!

OK, that grosses me out just saying it but he said it I didn't. Now part of me wonders if he just said those things because he knew I felt excluded and he'd be leaving soon and I'd have to do this alone. Or maybe he really felt that way.

But here's the point. I want to be the 'perfect wife' but I don't want to lose myself. Those women are completely wrapped up in their children. They live for softball tournaments and car pools. And I do all that stuff as well, but I also work out and take care of my over all appearance. If I have the option of going to the gym or doing dishes I'm going to the gym! Those dishes will be there when I get back. And doing dishes won't make me feel better during swim suit season.


I too am jealous of Atruheart's cruise. Atru, would you mind if we came along with you?

Alright, I'm ranting again. I'm sure you all have stopped reading by now.

Roughroad -

I'll go read that now. Glad to hear puppies are well. I'm sure they are a great comfort to you.

Ok all -

Signing off for the weekend. I'm driving down to be with my sis and go to church this weekend. She is throwing a party for one of her friends. I might actually have some fun. Then again I might draw into my shell and chicken out of going. You never know with me.

See you guys soon.

HW,
SO..........How was the party??

What kind of "crowd" are we talking about here?
Did you fit in and feel comfortable?
(Hey, at least YOU get invited to one)! Lucky *%#@*/*!

Also how (other then ignoring him) are you dealing with your sisters H? No secret you didn't like him before, and well NOW...........

Oh yea, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (HI Heroes Big SIS)!!!
Hope YOU enjoyed the party TOO!
(ya never know when you are the one HOSTING the party)....one always hopes, BUT............ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />