I am dreading tomorrow. My WW wants to get together to talk. All she has been talking with me about lately is DV. She says she has all the paperwork filled out and ready but she has been to busy to file. It is so hard trying to talk to someone who wants the complete opposite of what you want. Everytime we talk about dissolving our M the LB's start flying. I tell her I am not interested in getting a DV then she freaks out and tells me I need to deal with reality. She says that since it going to happen I should put my emotions aside, stop fighting it and just deal with it. Of course that pisses me off because she makes me feel like crap for wanting to keep the M together. I am debating whether to even meet with her tomorrow. She is always "forgetting" to call or blowing me off, or rescheduling when I need to talk to her about something. I am thinking about doing the same tomorrow, but then I would just be stooping to her level. I am going to try my hardest to remain emotionally detached and calm when talking with her, but it's going to be freakin' hard.

Any advice on how to deal with a WS who only wants to talk about DV or dissolution? I have been dragging my feet and it is just pissing her off.

Hey Parkem...wish I could give you words of advice but I think my fate could be the same <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> . My WH has not used the words "divorce" but after sending him that lengthy letter about our marriage, he said I have to move on, let myself see other men in a different light...ugh. Somehow I think our WS's won't like it when they find out we are with someone else and moving on with our lives without them if it does come down to that. HOpe things go ok.....I would probably ditch the meeting myself. Tell her that you have something else going on...especially if you are not ready to sign.

I'll be thinking of ya ( :

-K

parkem...sorry to hear about this...not sure if it'll be after your little meeting or not, but, something just hit me to sum it up (which I'm sure it's been said before, and if I'm right or wrong, hopefully some of the more experienced MB'ers can jump n here.)

One of the reasons why Plan A seems to work, is it is "reaction" in a positive way, regardless of the topic.

Sounds like your WW is just feeding off your reeactions to the talk of D, and "justifying" in her own mind that this is the "right" thing to do. And further "justifying" her own A actions.

Warped, but one reads so much, this is the "way of the fog."

Hope all goes well for you!

Hey, parkem. I saw you respond to someone else's thread and got to wondering what was up with you and how you were doing. sigh..sucks, doesn't it?

Suppose she does want to file...do you two have a lot of logistics to work out? Like a house, investments, etc? Ick, i know for my divorce, we will not even need lawyers...no kids together, no house, no savings to speak of, etc.

I guess I'm just curious as to what she needs to talk to you about, even if the talk is about divorce. I mean, why does she not just file if that's what she wants? Is she trying to get your blessings to file? Ha, don't give them to her! If the divorce is what she wants, she wants you to make no waves, wants you to make things easier for her. response: "I believe we can rebuild our marriage and I do not want a divorce. I cannot control your actions by words or obstacles. However, since I made a promise to you in front of family and friends, a promise I believe in and fully intend to fulfill, neither will I facilitate an easy divorce. Divorce is easy. Standing by this marriage is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do and I intend to keep my promise." I don't know..something like this I think highlights what the marriage commitment is (for better or worse)...tells your spouse that you're not making things purposefully difficult, but neither are you enabling them running away.

parkem, let us know what you end up doing about this meeting and if you go, what happens. *hugs*

kjb - Yeah I get that from my W all the time, "you need to move on" as if doing that is a simple process that just happens overnight. I will see how my mental state is after work today and decide then whether to meet her or not.

Liny - That is my problem. I have a hard time controlling my reaction regardless of the topic. Everytime the subject of DV comes up I have a hard time getting out of those conversations without doing or saying something stupid.

maddyk - How are things going for you? Still the same?
We do have some stuff to figure out, mostly liabilities not assets. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> My W is willing to take on most of our debt (out of guilt??) but getting her to pay things consistantly on timely basis is another thing. I just got a 30 day late on my credit report because she didn't make her car payment. Claims she never got the statement which I find funny since she lives in the house and all of our mail goes there!?!

As far as why she wants to keep talking, I do think she wants my blessings. I keep telling her to file if she wants the DV so bad and she keeps coming up with reasons why she hasn't. I do keep telling her that I don't want a DV and that I believe we can rebuild our M and that is when she flies of the handle on one of her tirades about how I have lost touch with reality.

So I will just play it by ear later. Our relationship has been so dysfunctional in the last couple of weeks that it is bordering on toxcicity. My ability to emotionally detach has been slipping as things move more and more towards DV. I will definatley not meet her today unless I am feeling strong enough to not be affected by her crap.

Well, I am a little over an hour away from meeting my W. Time to start practicing my smiling and pretending like nothing is wrong.

*affirms to self*

My life is great!
I am happy and positive!
I don't have a care in the world!
I am emotionally detached!

Yeah, parkem..things are about the same. Though I did get a b-day present from him today (have not opened it yet)...but I don't think it means anything.

If you can come back later or tomorrow morning and let us know what happened.

You can do this, parkem. Play it cool.

Good luck....

Smile your entire drive over, even if it's through tears.

Vow to yourself that you will be respectable. Do not yell, do not beg, do not plead.

Smile and say "thank you" Show her the side of you that she loves, not the side that you have shown every time she brings up the word. Prove to her that you are strong. Prove to her that you will be o-kay.

Hey, it may not change the course of events, but it will make YOU feel better about how your handled it. Yelling, screaming anf fighting only momentarelly satisfies adrenilen. But calming patience will give you long-term satisfaction.

My prayers are with you parkem.

You will be ok.

maddyk - Happy birthday! At least he did something for you. My B-day is this Saturday and I doubt she will do anything to acknowledge it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I will come back later and let you know how it went.

thatsall - thanks for the prayers and the words of encouragement. I appreciate it. I am going to be cool as a cucumber.

Hey...I know...

on your way...stop and get some of those...dr scholl "gellin'" things...put them in your shoes..

everytime you feel yourself getting too emotional when talking to your w...think to yourself, "Are you Gellin'?" "Like Magellan", "Hey, you must be Gellin'".

It might just be corny enough to get you through it.

lol.hopefully you know what the heck i'm talking about!

Is this a bad omen as to how things may go? I just recieved this e-mail from my W.

I have finally found a use for your @#$%! cat.


-----Original Message-----
How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way



Instructions on how to clean your toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add
1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while
you carry him towards the bathroom.


3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in
the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the
lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make
ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet,
the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.
This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of
your home. Be sure that there are no people between the
bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you
can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet,
streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will
dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be
sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

lol, sounds to me like an attempt at levity on her part.

Parkem1,

I don't have any good advice for you or even a good story. My STBX did the same thing. It was brutal, torturous even.

For almost a month she told me she had done all the paperwork.
She asked me where i wanted to be served.
She told me she filed. I waited and waited.

Daily she did this to me.

I went to a lawyer, he told me she hadn't filed yet. I asked STBX whether she filed and she said yes!!

I waited some more. Almost hoping it would come. Finally I filed. I didn't tell her, and told my attny to hold out on serving her, but she knew the very next day. Her attny finally got around to trying to file against me.

She went to the neighbors and cried, told them that I was divorcing her. Then came home, smirked and got back to tormenting me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Believe none of what she says and only half of what she does. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

maddyk - Yes I know exactly what you are talking about with the dr scholl "gellin'" things. lol

Actually I wound up not needing anything. As per her usual MO she canceled on me at the last minute. Crisis at work. Same excuse as last time. But she didn't get off the phone without firing off a shot. She ended the call by saying "I will call you when I have time to get a DV." Gee thanks. I appreciate that. Really I do. Actually I let it roll off and didn't respond. Just said I would talk to her later.

I wish the e-mail she sent me really was an attempt at levity but she really does hate my @#$%! cat.

TJ - I don't think my W is tormenting me, I think she just has a lot on her plate and doesn't have much to gain by starting the DV process. Right now she is in 'only do whatever serves her' mode.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She ended the call by saying "I will call you when I have time to get a DV." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">roflmao..I'm sorry, parkem, but don't you just HAVE to laugh? I mean, that's got to be one of the funniest things I've read all day!!!

No offense, I'm sure it wasn't nice to hear...but I'll bet it stunned you and left your mouth gaping.

laugh it off, buddy...laugh it off.

too bad you didn't live in FL so you could come to our get-together tomorrow night.

Hey park...I'm no plan b expert, but, maybe its time *you* started plan b.

I guess it all depends on how long youve been in plan a--if you have.

I say plan b, as, she's already cancelled on you a few times; you seem not to want to lose your love for her, but may be beginning to; and wouldn't it be a wake up call to her if after all of these idle threats, *YOU* turn around and file? Hmmmm.....

Any thoughts from the experts?!?!?

Edit: Er....OK...5 months...

<small>[ September 30, 2004, 10:23 PM: Message edited by: LINY ]</small>

No offense taken maddyk, it is kinda funny if you really think about it. No it wasn't nice to hear at the time. It's amazing some of the things that can come out of their mouths.

I would love to be able to come to your get together tomorrow night. Florida is about as far as you can get from Seattle though. It would be great to meet in person you have been a big source of encouragement and advice for me.

Ew, park.

My husband's original affair partner is from Washington...stationed in I think Oregon at the time..or somewhere in washington..not sure. Ew.

Hmm...LINY has a thought..though I'm not sure if plan b would be very effective for you. What are your thoughts, parkem?

I promise that I wasn't your husbands original A partner. Sorry to open a wound there.

I'm not sure how effective plan 'B' would be for me since she doesn't really want to talk to me anyway. I will have to ponder that idea.

LINY - I do have friends who are trying to talk me in to filing and I have thought about it, but I just have a problem with starting the process since it is not what I want.

nah, you didn't open a wound. I'm in a good mood tonight <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

need to get something to eat, though....